New Yorkers never go to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade (at least not more than once – and even then, only if they have VIP access). My own tradition on the anniversary of the kickoff of a genocidal land grab against Native Americans is to sleep
off a hangover late, sip some breakfast wine coffee and listen with half-interest to the parade on TV whilst screwing around on my laptop in my pajamas. Once in a while I’ll glance up when something of interest drops from the mouths of the chucklefuck hosts. “Patti LaBelle,” for instance. Or “SpongeBob.” And anything, really, that just seems too hilarious or bizarre to miss. (<-While I was typing that sentence, I glanced up to see – I shit you not – some d00d in a cowboy hat crooning a country song from atop an enormous bucket of KFC fried chicken. WTF?)
But what really got my attention this morning was one word.
“Blah blah blah SQUIRREL blah blah blah…”
Well. Naturally, here at Death to Squirrels Central we immediately shot to DEFCON 1. I could only imagine the hordes upon hordes of disgusting rodents descending on the parade and deflating all the giant balloons with their sharp, filthy claws – or worse, brutally attacking Santa’s face on live TV with an audience numbering in the tens of millions. FOR FUCK’S SAKE WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN. Also: how long would it take the little monsters to rampage and plunder their way down to the West Village from 34th Street?!
The only upside, of course, would be people finally – FINALLY! – coming to terms with the sheer enormity of the threat posed by the evil Sciuridae to human civilization as we know it. The cost, unfortunately, would be the bloody remains of countless tourists and high school marching bands strewn along the two-and-a-half mile parade route. SAD!
All of this flashed through my mind in an instant as I spun my head around to glare at the TV, eyes wide and pulse skyrocketing. What I witnessed was even worse than I imagined. Much worse: a giant balloon in the form of a rabid, deranged squirrel, with people clapping and celebrating as it passed by!
I mean just look at this fucking thing!
The squirrels are clever little fuckers, I’ll give them that. Clearly the enemy rodent menace is testing the effectiveness of their insidious “cuteness” propaganda campaign. If they can get away with performing this hideous balloon stunt to cheering crowds of gullible squirrel fans (yes I’m looking at YOU Tony), they now know with utter certainty that they can get away with absolutely anything. Money obviously presents no obstacle, either.
However you spend your National Day of Mourning, stay alert, people. The Squirrelpocalypse will surely be upon us all very, very soon.