A good friend and Loyal Reader™ linked me to this Twitter feed, with the comment “I swear you’re behind this.” It’s generated by a bot (named Joel Dongsteen) that replaces the word “God” with “your dick” in the tweets of the insufferable pastor Joel Osteen. Much hilarity ensues.
When you’re secure in who you are, you’ll be comfortable where your dick has you whether your role is big or small.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) April 29, 2016
If you only look to people, you’ll be disappointed. Your dick is showing you that you shouldn't rely on people but rely on Him.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) April 27, 2016
If you’ll have the right attitude, your setbacks will be a setup for your dick to do something great in your life.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) April 24, 2016
Your dick is looking for people who cannot only handle the blessing but who can handle the burden.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) April 19, 2016
The situation may look impossible, but your dick has a way even when we don’t see a way.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) April 10, 2016
Nothing can stand against your dick. The bigger you make your dick, the smaller your problems become.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) March 1, 2016
While I am deeply flattered by my friend’s complimentary* comparison to the fine work of Mr. Dongsteen, I never in a million years would have done this. I would have replaced “God” with “your vagina.”
*A psychologist once taught me to take anything as a compliment if it can be reasonably construed that way. Depression-prone veterans of cognitive therapy will recognize this tactic as an antidote to taking everything—literally everything—as a validation of our worst and most irrational convictions about ourselves. But then I thought, why stop there? Instead of simply negating those persistent negative thoughts with reality-based assessments, why not take everything as a compliment that can possibly be construed that way, even unreasonably? I mean, if unreasonable interpretations of everyday messages and events are a core part of the depressive psyche, why can’t they be a really fun part of the cure? In any case, it’s very satisfying to deliberately react with ostentatious gratitude to intentional insults lobbed in your direction; you feel great, and it confuses the hell out of your enemies.