God’s Been Making Plans

God’s been making plans again
To show us he’s our master
And time has shown, when god makes plans
It always spells disaster

God’s notion of a good idea
Is not the same as man’s—
So bar the windows! Bolt the doors!
Cos God’s been making plans.

As you all know, it was God’s Plan for George Zimmerman to shoot Trayvon Martin.

Of course, you can always recognize God’s handiwork, because no human being would ever make plans like these. A kid likes to play baseball? God gives him cancer that results in his losing an arm. “It was God’s plan all along”, says his mum.

Of God might plan for someone to shoot up an Amish schoolhouse. “We think it was God’s plan….The children are better off than their survivors.”

God also planned for Herman Cain to run for president. And Michele Bachman. And Rick Perry. And for Sarah Palin to do whatever it is that she continues to do. Oh, yeah, and Reagan

Oh, and for various athletes to win various games and titles. And sometimes, to lose.

Basically, if it’s a plan no sentient human being would ever want to take credit for, it must be God’s plan. Cos He works in mysterious ways, and shit.


  1. carpenterman says

    There was a great John Stewart bit a while back, when a commercial airline was damaged by a lightning strike, but the plane still managed to land safely. Every news commentator called it “a miracle”.
    Stewart pointed out that the only part that could be described as “miraculous” was the lightning strike itself. He explained that clearly, God wanted everyone on that plane to die, “and only the blasphamous efforts of the flight crew thwarted His divine will.”
    If I’m ever diagnosed with a terrible illness, I hope my doctors won’t simply accept that it’s God’s will that I die. Thwart, guys… thwart!

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