The Middlesex-London Health Unit in Ontario decided it needed a new way to reach high schoolers when it comes to sex education. And what do teenagers like more than video games? The result is quite possibly the most bizarre game ever, Adventures in Sex City.

Sounds awesome, right?! The game is just a True or False quiz about various sex facts. That part of the game is actually pretty good; it covers a lot of common misconceptions people have. But that’s not the strange part. Let’s meet the characters you get so select from the Sex Squad:

• Wonder Vag “is a virgin, believes in true love and promotes abstinence until marriage.” She’s also a stereotypical blonde white girl.
• Willy the Kid “was bullied as a child because he never grew taller tjem 4 feet, and is now sensitive to others who are different. He joined Sex Squad to prove size doesn’t matter.” Except that he’s drawn with a giant bulging package, and is black. Totally not stereotypical. Oh, and apparently his special power is “massive rock hard strength.” What?
• Power Pap “is sexually active and is a strong believer in getting tested regularly. After a close encounter with a horrible STI, she was treated and now dedicates her life to testing and pap tests.” She also looks Latino to me, but I’m going to assume I’m looking way too into this and it’s not some message about race and sexual activity.
• Captain Condom “was a scientist who constantly worked in his lab to create the perfect condom. Due to a freak accident, he is now half condom half man.” Oh scientists. What’s his special power, he likes people ejaculating inside of him?

But cheesy superheroes isn’t the bad part. “In the dark of the night, Sex City is in panic because of the terrible Sperminator whose sole mission is to infect all citizens with various sexually transmitted infections.” Gem over at Startled Disbelief has to best summary of this super villain:

The Sperminator is “a flying burly white guy in a Speedo and Mexican wrestling mask, with two giant penises for arms.”…The Sperminator spews STI-infected sperm onto your character, causing your character to utter phrases such as “Eww, that’s sticky!” or “Aagh, right in the face!”

While I still feel a bit confused after playing the game, I think Gem has a good point:

“That said, this isn’t really a game. It’s a true-or-false sex-ed exam with a really bizarre hook. I’m sure that’s the point: the designers want it to be so over-the-top ridiculous that people are clamouring to play it even though it’s a terrible game—and in playing it, these people might actually learn something. As terrible as the game is, I’m convinced that it will likely accomplish its goal.”

The only thing the worries me is the way they portray the Sperminator. I know it’s a silly game, but should we really be labeling people with STI’s as evil, horrible people who are purposefully going around trying to infect others? People with incurable STIs are still able to have loving relationships.

Anyway, appropriate advice for Valentine’s Day: don’t be a fool, wrap your tool. And go play that silly game.

We can stop worrying about Harry Potter, Catcher in the Rye, and The Perks of Being a Wallflower when it comes to banning books. Folks, we have bigger fish to fry: Merriam Webster’s Dictionary.

After a parent complained about an elementary school student stumbling across “oral sex” in a classroom dictionary, Menifee Union School District officials decided to pull Merriam Webster’s 10th edition from all school shelves earlier this week.

School officials will review the dictionary to decide if it should be permanently banned because of the “sexually graphic” entry, said district spokeswoman Betti Cadmus. The dictionaries were initially purchased a few years ago for fourth- and fifth-grade classrooms districtwide, according to a memo to the superintendent.

“It’s just not age appropriate,” said Cadmus, adding that this is the first time a book has been removed from classrooms throughout the district.

…Really? The dictionary is now corrupting our youth? Give me a break. First of all, how many kids sit down with the goal of reading the entire dictionary and will accidentally stumble upon a naughty word? Or more importantly, who fucking cares if they do? Heaven forbid if parents have to explain things to their children. Are we going to require gender specific dictionaries now, so little girls can’t accidentally find the word “penis”?

There are already plenty of fifth graders who know stuff about sex. The dictionary seems like a fairly benign source of information when you consider where else they’re hearing things from – or not hearing things from, which is often the most dangerous scenario. I was in 5th grade during the Monica Lewinsky scandal, so I quickly learned what oral sex was. Did I immediately run out and start sucking dick? Of course not.

Thankfully some of the parents in that town are rational human beings, so hopefully the dictionary won’t remain banned:

“Censorship in the schools, really? Pretty soon the only dictionary in the school library will be the Bert and Ernie dictionary,” said Emanuel Chavez, the parent of second- and sixth-grade students. “If the kids are exposed to it, it’s up to the parents to explain it to them at their level.”

I dunno. Bert and Ernie are two dudes living together. That may be a bit to homoerotic for small children to handle.