One of my favorite events of the year is next weekend – the Penny Arcade Expo. It’s a blast every year, but it’s pretty much impossible for a nerd like me to not love it. I love being able to demo upcoming games, especially the indie games that I’ve never heard of but end up loving. My favorite part is all the rooms where you can basically rent and play any video game or board game you can think of, including old and obscure ones. Not to mention the room full of free arcade and pinball games. And the cosplaying. And the tournaments. And and and
Okay, I’m kind of excited.
This year PAX is 4 days instead of 3, so I may actually attend more than one panel thanks to the extra time. I see that there’s an interesting looking one on Videogames in Medicine run by a UW professor, so I may have to check that out. There are a TON of panels on gender, sexuality, diversity, not being an asshole on the internet…but honestly I’m pretty burnt out on those topics, so I doubt I’ll go. But I’m glad they still exist for anyone else who is interested. Even though the people who need to hear it the most probably aren’t the ones who go…
And of course I’m excited about the tournaments too, which are really just an excuse to play more games with random people. But the competitive aspect makes it extra fun. I may try the 7 Wonders board game tournament, but expect to get my ass kicked. I’ll definitely try the Mario Kart Wii tournament, which is one of the few games I actually feel confident in.
I would say I’m excited to be able to rent my favorite old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game…but an arcade right by my house just got the arcade version! So much for stockpiling all of those extra quarters for laundry.
Is anyone else going to PAX? What are you looking forward to most?
Went in 09 and 10, but missed the past few. Was going to give it another go this year, but Gabe’s bullshit a couple months back made me hesitate. Probably won’t be able to get any tickets.
Link, if anyone is interested.
Even if I could afford to go, I would not. Penny Arcade has shown their true colors in regards to rape culture and trans* women.
http://debacle.tumblr.com/post/3041940865/the-pratfall-of-penny-arcade-a-timeline
http://makemeasammich.org/2013/06/07/penny-arcades-gabe-is-willfully-ignorant-again/
Now I will say that they finally apologized. But at the end of the day I really think it’s about apologizing because they felt the impact of their horribleness.
There was also something terrible from one of their editors I think, but I can’t seem to find his name or what exactly happened.
Anyway, just a heads up on what, exactly, the problems were/are with PA.
Yes, Gabe pulled some bullshit.
Unlike most people who find themselves in that position he displayed a willingness to learn. And apologized in a big way. Don’t forget that PA is a multi million dollar company with many employees, not just Gabe and Tycho any more.
And do yourself a favor and check out the schedule of events. There are A LOT of gender issue panels with diverse panelists. It looks like it could be a really productive and interesting PAX Prime. So while Gabe expressed some ignorant and stubborn opinions on trans issues, he owned up, paid up, apologized, and PA as a whole is clearly interested in helping.
PA is pretty heterosexist, for sure. Tycho wrote a little while back on how consistently sexualizing women in games isn’t a problem. They’re better than most, and seem to learn as they go, so maybe they deserve some support.
If you find some great indie games, I encourage you to blog about it.
I found the apologies hella lacking. I live in Seattle so PAX is typically convenient to go to, but gamer culture in general is something I have no attachment to or interest in. Dude being dude just confirms my prior inclination.
I want to say that PAX is bigger than dude and anyone who feels like it’s a good space for them to do the things that make them feel good in life should feel free to go there. I’m not gonna call boycott. But I think anyone who does continue to feel aggrieved and put off has legitimate feelings they should be allowed to express as well.
That apology was some hella “wash your mouth out with soap young man” insincere bullshit, as proven by his immediate backslide, then fumbled recovery. It looks like someone is just toeing a line for PR and biting back contemptuous, stubborn beliefs more in line with Rush Limbaugh than with anyone I care about. I’d rather not willingly enter a building with the dude.
Ugh, I didn’t know about any of this because I don’t really follow gamer news/culture. I just wanted to play some video games T_T
Sorry Jen. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I just thought I’d lay that out there. Oddly enough Gabe said the same thing when called out about screwing up. “I don’t really about about this shit, I just want to play some video games.”
I’m going Saturday and Sunday this year. My husband and a friend are dressing as Dr. Venture and Sgt. Hatred, so I’m pulling together a gender-bend Dean Venture. Unfortunately, we won’t have a Hank with us to round out the set. /sadpanda
Yes, there was a round of stupid with Gabe, and at first he kept defending his mistake. Once he took the time to step back, think about it, and talk about *out* of the public eye, he acknowledged he was wrong and took responsibility for what he had said in ignorance and defensiveness.
I’m also noticing that PAX doesn’t have a super clear harassment policy
http://prime.paxsite.com/faq#do-you-have-any-rules-or-guidelines-for-pax
I’m going to PAX, along with my partner and my daughter. It’s her first time, and she’s pretty excited. I’m bummed that Jonathan Coulton won’t be there, but MC Frontalot is really great live (I was skeptical of ‘nerdcore’ and still don’t like most of it, but he’s a brilliant performer.)
I can finish TMNT2 the Arcade Version, for the original NES, without any cheat codes, with extra lives than when I started…. I can go through it, all the way to Krang, without dying a single time in fact.
:+)
@Timid Atheist Oh, no no, I do care. I’m glad you brought it up. I was just lamenting how it seems there’s nothing left in life that isn’t tinged with something problematic.
@MaoistAnchoress I’m bringing you with me next time I play that game. I usually need to buy a continue somewhere in the second level, and then my deaths exponential increase from that point forward!
Jen,
I am glad to see you back blogging again! Not just because I selfishly enjoy reading all your posts, but also because it’s a joy to know you want to blog again. Thank you!
That sounds like it would be a lot of fun, I’m up for that if you ever want to, but I am very poor: I would have no way to get to such a convention. It’s a nice idea though, I think that would be lots of fun =)
I love TMNT games, arcade, NES, what have you. I played TMNT1 for the NES and it was super hard. I played all three: TMNT1, 2, and 3. I got stuck somewhere on 1, and with 3 iirc it was just a rental, so I didn’t have enough time to finish it.
I would love to game with you sometime, somehow! That sounds like lots of fun =)
I have a blog, I recently changed the name again due to attacks by transphobes elsewhere on the internet and getting linked to it in a transphobic place, but here’s the current, new name:
http://sweetlovingvampryss.blogspot.com/2013/06/cave-of-shadow-erotic-poetry.html
If you want to message me there and we can game sometime that would be great. If you are in Boston area I would love to game sometime, mhmm
Also, I love Mario Kart ^.^
It’s been years since I played TMNT, but it was funny because an acquaintance of mine like in 2007, they had an old NES and I wondered “I wonder if I can still bang it all the way to Krang without dying”. Sure enough, I got all the way to Krang without dying once, and then lost all of my lives, lol. The 2nd try through I got to Krang, had enough lives left for Shredder, and then died at Shredder. This was the 1st and 2nd play throughs, respectively of TMNT2, at that point in time, in like 12 years…
I’ll be going this year; after the really, really problematic “why so serious?” panel at PAXAus, it feels good to see all of those good panels on issues that don’t directly relate to straight white men.
Hopefully it’s as good last year, but I’m sure it’s going to give me the “goddamn I wish I lived here instead of the scorching desert” feeling for weeks. >_>
I’ve never been to a convention of any sort, or even a concert of modern music of any sort; I went to like two nutcracker symphonies and like three regular symphonies, but that’s not like rock concert….Conventions sound like lots of people and lights and just…scary. I imagine I could ‘make it’ with the right people around me, just sticking close to them, but it would probably give me several anxiety attacks given to how my brain has adjusted to the isolation I live in, coupled with the overstimulation brought on by my Autism and DESNOS coupled together with my ADHD. I’m not sure like, I think I could make it if I stuck close to friends and never left them, sort of make it.
Conventions sound really intimidating, also, lol@gamer culture. Gamer culture is this huge oppressive msyog/sexist joke of a culture, utter garbage with little redeeming value. Usually just a bunch of straight, white privileged idiots, bragging about they’re better than the next person using all kinds of bigoted and prejudiced idiotic macho language, like they’re jocks or something. It’s hilariously awful on so many levels, lol. Like hilariously awful in a Ima-get-drunk-go-and-watch-twilight-while-drunk-and-stoned-and-laugh-my-ass-off-for-hours-replaying-greatest-scenes-over-and-over sort of hilariously awful.
Conventions just…I’d definitely have to go with a friend, I’d be way too scared otherwise. Plus I’m too poor to go really, so it’s kind of a moot point. An interesting thought though, for sure. I think it would be fun if I stuck with friends and focused on people, and tried to ignore the lights and blinking lights, fluorescent lighting, and all the noise. It’s very intense and difficult for me to deal with.
Penny Arcade’s behavior (as noted earlier) is why I have been seriously suspicious of PAX and have avoided going, even though I have friends who love the conference. Also, “video game” culture seems to have gotten extra rotten compared to a number of other fandoms. And my era of computer games were text adventures.
I’ve been to a few of the old-school (non-computer) gamer cons, which have their own culture. (At least two actually: boardgames and role-playing games.) And a lot of SF cons, most of which I’ve liked, but you can really tell when the organizers don’t know how to handle their convention, which has ruined a couple.
(One thing is that you need different and more difficult management techniques for larger conventions; the stuff you can do for a small con does not work for a big one, which needs much more rigid formal management on a lot of different issues. In a big con, room assignment and microphone provision becomes a full-time job, and you have to know enough and be aggressive enough to cancel certain panels if you have the wrong group of panelists or the wrong moderator. In a small con you can get away with a much looser management.)
If you go to the Expo Hall or some of the bigger panels, that’s more or less the case.
In most cases, and especially for more popular or extremely niche games, yeah. There’s a not unsubstantial number of gamers trying to work on that (myself included), and I think we’re making progress; but it’s slow work. I can’t say I blame any woman for not wanting to be a part of it at this point. We’re probably three or four steps behind the current atheist movement (I’m not sure about this now though, in light of recent developments that shall not be named).
I think I’d have to stick close to friends in order to limit the number of anxiety attacks to like 3 or 4, versus wandering around by myself and spending a few of hours in the corner having a massive anxiety attack off and on, every single day.
That’s kind of were I am at this point: it’s very difficult to deal with the gamer culture. I would go into these super elite games (unreal tournament, quake, nexuiz) and just literally kick these guys’ asses all over the place, in any environment; pub, semi-competitive, etc, anywhere and everywhere, and once they found out I was transgender, the transphobia was just through the roof. It’s addictive and maladaptive what I was doing, and I do it on purpose: I like taking their manhood away from them, and constantly reminded them, over the last two years since I transitioned, that they should tone down their transphobia, and maybe they shouldn’t get their manhood from a vidya game. I’ve been death threated so many times by transphobes in online elite level space arena FPS I’ve lost count. Harassed, abused, stalked, death threated, called all kinds of obscene things, gang stalked, gang abuse for hours on end days in a row even, sometimes half the server all at the same time (like eight people). The only reason I ever really got into those elite games like 14 years ago, was due to the fact that they were REALLY good at helping me cope with my DESNOS/C-PTSD: they distract my mind VERY well, to the point that it significantly numbs the extreme trauma I get battered with day in and day out, as well as other symptoms of the PTSD from past trauma.
Games themselves are awesome: I love PC Gaming. The community however, is just so atrocious, that like, four years ago, before I had even started partial transition, I wouldn’t go anywhere near some of the more competitive communities. There are just the most atrocious, self entitled, cismale nerd, privileged shitstains imaginable. I basically had to stay away from that, even pre-transition. I was pretty much just limited to pubs, and I played under like 10k names over the years, sometimes changing my name 2 or 3 times midgame even…So yes, I guess what I am trying to say is, I will definitely leave the Social Reform of Gaming Communities to Ciswomen and Stealth Transwomen, because the way I am, if people start messing with me, even groups of them, I butt heads with them into they get a cop into the game or call the cops on me; a few have actually, one of them wound up being involuntarily placed on a mental ward because he called the police on me, because I wouldn’t just sit there and take his transphobia that went on and on for hours, for days, weeks, and months. Some of these assholes are in mortal fear for their life from me, which is as it should be, it’s just, I don’t go into those communities anymore (officially), so I just stay on the outside looking in. I never played those games for the community in any real way over the last 12 years: it was always just to relieve the trauma in my head, because those fast paced space arena FPS are VERY good at helping t5o relieve the trauma.
Sorry, were where we? Oh yes, gaming conventions. I like the idea if I stick around friends and I can then limit the amount of anxiety attacks I will get, and the severity of them as well. I inhabit pretty extreme isolation so… Also, I play Chess. I am around Expert strength in Correspondence Chess, and around Class A strength in OTB chess (though it’s been like seven years since I played OTB).
I do like gaming, a lot, as it’s helped me to inhabit virtual worlds were I am not judged, or, if I am judged, I can quickly realias. Even so, in the multiplayer games, I’ve faced all sorts of bigotry, for years on end, and pre-transition I got called the f-word constantly, and the n-word constantly, as well as crazy, so I knew what it was like to be harassed and abused pre-transition too.
Gaming communities to me, are full of the worst sort of privileged filth imaginable to me: lots of rich white asshole cismales who think they’re the greatest thing ever. I enjoyed so badly deliberately telling them I was trans, and then taking them down four or five notches in online gaming, and just sitting back and laughing as they hurled transphobic abuse at me, their manhood taken away. These people are bad jokes, seriously, wtf. I learned the hard way, over years that, some people really do get their manhood from video games, lol. It was just a vicious cycle that was maladaptive, were I fell into this pattern of defining my femininity by how much of their transphobic abuse I could take, and how badly I could hand their asses to them; maladaptive because it wound up in me taking TONS of abuse, for DECADE and a half now, pre and post transition. I seriously hate some of these privileged idiots in these online games.
Now I stick to chess and singleplayer, and the nature of online chess is almost everyone says nothing to their opponents, so it works for me.
I still think I could stomach a convention if I stuck close to people. I’d still get anxiety attacks, even maybe severe ones, but they wouldn’t be massive and there would be fewer than them. Of course an anxiety attack by definition is massive anxiety: so the mild ones are massive anxiety, just clarifying that for context.
So something about gaming that is positive, hmm. Conventions…They have a PAX convention over here, but I’ve never had the money to attend, and never had any friends to go with. The last offline friend I had was in set 2008, there were several people (trans and ciswomen) over the last year who were acquaintances that I thought were going to be friends at different points in time, but I only wound up seeing them like 2-4 times, very sporadically, and they weren’t associating with me for friendship… Anyway.
I need to share something positive, seriously. I can’t just type this horribly depressing garbage. I must always find a way to smile, inside, and outside, and give my sunshine to everyone. Here’s a song for that:
Also@shockna
Just to clarify something here, because I think it causes a ton of confusion in respect to me: I am an assigned male at birth transwoman (I go for trad GRS bottom surgery someday), I am NOT an assigned female at birth transman. I think people tend to get confused with my behavior online, forgetting that, like everything online, it’s just online: I don’t go into rugby leagues and insist on playing rugby with the boys, and then put the fear of god in them when they start saying transphobic stuff non stop for weeks on end, or ‘knock horns’ together, etc; it’s a vidya game; an online environment. Video games are fun, but they;re just video games. So I prefer female pronouns always, of course, but I just had to clarify this. In offline/meatspace, I ‘pass’ (in trans terms) so very well that I’ve had other transwomen tell me if I they saw me on the street and I never told them I was transgender, they would never know. More than one told me that, and I am pretty femme stuff offline, etc. Online, even behind webcam, it can be quite different…I don’t go into ‘non-nerd guy spaces’ irl and play sports, only online do I ever interact with transphobes in this manner, and I inhabit exxtreme isolation and prefer to change my name to a new alias, and or make smily faces, almost always, rather than scare the pants off some of these assholes (which I’ve done before as well).
I just needed to clarify that, because I think, you know, people can get really confused by me, or some of my behavior online. Now, whether they think transwomen should or shouldn’t stand up to bigots, and in what way or frequency is not my concern; they can deal with their own internalized sexism if I don’t fit girly stereotypes well enough for them. I just had to clarify that here, because I rarely visit this site, so some people here might be like ‘hunh?’. I don’t like the labels MTF or FTM so I use AMAB and AFAB. I videogamed as a kid, I also wove on my woving loom for years, played violin, but then I also played basketball, etc. I would say that, as upbringings go, even though I got abused very badly by my father due to being transgendered from around age three (i won’t get into that here), my upbringing was pretty agendered stuff as far as gender expression goes. My life is still pretty agendered with a femme edge when it comes to interests, hobbies, etc, my gender expression in mannerisms, speech and social relations, tends to be pretty femme most of the time, there are exceptions, but they tend to be pretty rare stuff.
I hope I cleared that up, because people can get really confused by me, really easily, really quickly.
Also re Conventions, they’re typically held in hotel rooms right, or concert halls for the biggest ones? That IS pretty scary stuff :( SO many people, so many sides, the lighting. I’d have to be intensely focused on ‘friends’ or ‘acquaintances’ to be able to survive a convention; following them around, doing what they do, getting lost in the group, trying not to pay too much attention to the surroundings, etc. It sounds really overwhelming, I feel really overwhelmed just talking about it. Anyway.
Also, re the rugby comment, before I get some comments thrown my way, if butch transwomen or butch ciswomen play rugby with guys in real life, they’re actually no less women in my view for it, I was just using that as an example to contrast the online sphere with offline. Also, I knew this one person who wanted me to goto Quakecon onetime. They were all transphobes…I was like “Ok, so how stupid do I look to you?” LOL. This guy was a real piece of work, him and his asshole friends. If I went to Quakecon I doubt I would be alive by the end of it due to transphobia, as well, again, the guy that offered to take me to Quakecon, he and his friends were huge transphobes (gay and bi men mostly).
Now if Jen actually wanted me to goto a convention with her I would go I think, if I somehow had a way to afford to go (gl with that), I’m not sure if she was half serious or what, but it’s certainly a nice thought. Conventions though…they still sound like pretty overwhelming stuff. I heard Pax conventions were the place were developers (Bioshock) like show off their upcoming games and stuff. I’ve never been to Conventions or Rock Concerts before. Now rock concert I absolutely couldn’t goto no matter what. I’d have a constant massive anxiety attack due to the Autism/DESNOS/ADHD ‘stack’.
Quite alright. I try to write about issues like this without making too many assumptions about the person I’m responding to if I don’t know them, so I’m sorry if any of what I said came off as presumptuous.
As I recall from last Prime, there were about three giant spaces where it gets super thick in crowding (expo hall, main theatre, and one of the other halls I don’t remember the name of). Other than that, it can get pretty crowded on the walkways between places, but a lot of the rest was organized into small-ish panel rooms (how crowded they are ranges from tiny to sardines, depending on how popular the subject of the panel is).
If you ever do go to any convention though, I’d definitely recommend friends. A very close friend is DESNOS/ADHD and she’s had problems going to places alone because of it (I have autism as well, but a seemingly high tolerance for overstimulation and neither of the other two, so I can’t say I’m personally familiar with the feeling).
Here are some super quick pictures I took of me and my PC game collection, while wearing my new glasses and my pink femme facemask :+)
Two of my favorite games ever, Warcraft II, and Diablo 1, are pictured ^.^
Images:
http://imgur.com/a/3Bq0z#0
Oh no, you didn’t come across that way, I just, you know, kind of made the explanation ‘just in case’, since people assuming huge swaths of things tends to happen with me pretty frequently.
It’s good to know this about these sorts of conventions, as I’d never make it without a close friend.
Basically my health issues in total are something like this: Major Depression, petite mal/absence seizures (struggling to get to EEG again, will get one soon), Complex PTSD/Disorder of Extreme Stress Not Otherwise Specified, Chronic PTSD (I usually DON’T list this one, because people get it confused with DESNSO), ADHD, and my Autism is around what used to be called Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS) which covers a very broad range. So basically the Chronic PTSD is a huge issue I didn’t even mention, but it works in conjunction with the Complex PTSD/DESNOS and the ADHD, and my Autism, to produce some pretty serious disincentive for attending conventions. And by pretty serious, well, I described how if I went to one of these conventions I would be getting at least 3 to 4 anxiety attacks even under optimal conditions, so….I would still go, for sure, you know, I just think if I went, people would have to be understanding if I had to go sit in a corner and lay on my back, or lock myself in a broom closet to calm down for half an hour or so.
Anyway, I hope that better explains things. Also, I love my cute pink mask in those pictures, it’s like my favorite thing ^.^
To quote myself if I may, of course, and yes, just so people get to see ‘normal’ pictures of me, without the facemask on, here are the older ones:
From: http://pastebin.com/ZpBkCCXf
(Newer)
http://imgur.com/a/80tMs#0
http://imgur.com/a/7Xign#0
http://imgur.com/a/bZlB8/#0
Older:
http://imgur.com/a/1d2Ox#0
http://imgur.com/a/63vnT#0
evil poppet and needles:
http://imgur.com/a/ZntKw#8
http://imgur.com/EuKQ9UJ
END QUOTE
Anyway, I’d LOVE to goto a convention if I could spend a lot of time with my head on someone’s shoulder snuggling them. Maybe some friends/acquaintances, could take turns with “shoulder duty” with me and let me put my head on their shoulder (snuggle) and hug their arm softly while I am at said hypothetical convention. I think that would be very grounding for me. I would love to goto the PAX convention thingy over here in Boston at some point with some of you, that would be great I think mhmm, =)
Another question solved: I am not the last remaining WCII fan. I bought another copy from Ebay last week (lost my last copy in a move), and have been replaying the single player since (I was always terrible at Multiplayer >_>).
If you’re ever interested and have the money (tickets to the Boston one usually sell in October-ish, and the show is March/April-ish; they’re ~$65 IIRC), I normally go to that one with a few friends from Norwood.
Some kind of a Blaghag meetup at either one would be pretty awesome (I don’t usually post in comment threads, but I’ve been lurking on and off since boobquake).
I usually lurk too, hehe, sometimes I post, but not often.
I LOVE WCII as well, and I um, I don’t lay singleplayer either. As far as Diablo, me and an online friend of my LAN it through Tunggle, from time to time.
I am currently on the Beyond the Dark Portal expansion pack, and I finished the Tides of Darkness singleplayer like a week ago. I loved it!! I didn’t get to play WC2 when it came out, and I’ve wanted to ever since :+)
I hope I have the money to get a ticket, I will write a note to try and remember. If you want to keep in touch, just leave a comment on my blog here, and it won’t be made public/visible: http://sweetlovingvampryss.blogspot.com/2013/06/cave-of-shadow-erotic-poetry.html
I’m looking anyway I can to get out of the USA and get to Scandinavia or East Canada, but that’s proving to be a struggle so far, I wonder if I will be here in Boston that time next year, or where I will be or even if I will be alive..I haven’t had a friend in real world since Sept 2008. If you want to keep distance I understand yes, but if you want another friend, I would love that, as this isolation is really traumatic stuff. Or if you know of someone else who could use a friend too that lives around like Chelsea/Malden/Everett/Revere/Somerville area, that would be great ^.^ I expect nothing though, and no response to this.
I am so looking forward to this game, successor to Neverhood:
http://armikrog.com/
I LOVED the original Neverhood, and in fact I want to get my hands on a copy of it online for cheap and play through it again all of these years later (I played through it in 1998 iirc) because I got stuck halfway. I loved Myst and Riven too, and I beat Myst but I got stuck like 1/3 way through Riven =/
Er, at WCII, I meant to say I don’t play multiplayer: just singleplayer missions. My favorite unit so far are the cute little Sapper Goblins ^.^
Hmm, regarding WCII, I meant to say I don’t play multiplayer: just singleplayer missions. My favorite unit so far are the cute little Sapper Goblins ^.^
I suck @ forum posting, I am so n00b. Also, I played through um, CreaVures recently and it’s sooo adorable seriously. I loved it :+)
If I actually lived in the area, I’d definitely be up for real world meetups. I live about 2600 miles from Boston in Arizona (though with the way people are around here, Boston can sometimes sound like paradise, though I know it isn’t). I visit Boston/Eastern Massachusetts every spring for aforementioned friends though.
I didn’t really know how to talk to other people until I was in high school though (and I still really suck at it without keeping a focus on something), so I can sympathize somewhat with trauma induced by extended isolation.
I lost my family/extended family years ago (seven), so I’ve spent the last like five years (since I got out of the halfway house) in isolation ranging from severe to extreme. The world, existence, reality, it changes a lot when you don’t have family….I lived in severe isolation before I got out of the cult me and my family were in, and while in the cult, most everyone in the cult lived pretty severely isolated lives, mine was way more so than most because even the group hated me. My parents found out were I lived years later after I got out of the cult, from the halfway house, contacted me, dad came up and visited me for one day (just him), and disowned me for being transgender effectively. Before he visited I didn’t have their phone numbers or emails, and I only got two emails from my mom after that, and then…nothing. They basically disowned me so I’ve moved on in life as much as anyone can when they lose their immediate AND extended family (I lost both due to the cult and bigotry).
Videogames/computer games are my way to retreat into a safe world given this isolation. I spent the first 25 years of my life growing up in the South (Louisiana, Georgia, Arkansas, South Carolina, but primarily Louisiana), so I know what you mean when you say Boston sounds like paradise. For transgender people, it’s far from paradise, but I imagine for most GLB (non-transgender) it could be, hypothetically. The thing is, tolerating someone isn’t accepting them, and even people who’ved shunned me otherwise and even mostly avoided me at get togethers, have tolerated my presence in their spaces at get togethers. Boston is not what it seems when it comes to transfolk, it’s more subtle than that. People up here have a really hard time accepting transgender people, gays and lesbians…not so much. Anyway, it’s good to hear that you come up here to ‘get away’ once a year for the convention. For me, personally, I am looking to get to Canada or Scandinavia, places were transgender people are accepted more often and tolerated better to boot, maybe not by huge margins, but significant enough in some limited ways. Sure, no place is perfect, but my experience here in Boston being transgender, disabled, autistic, lower class, PoC, is that, largely, it was like I didn’t exist at get togethers; sure people would engage me in conversation, everyone does that with other people almost no matter who it is just to be polite you know, but people avoided me otherwise; pre transition and post transition, and, to be honest, post transition, it was definitely worse, for sure to the point that people COMPLETELY acted as if I didn’t exist in and outside of get togethers, but pre-transition it was still plenty bad enough, as in really bad.
People are what they are, but my life is extreme isolation, which is why I game: to inhabit worlds were people care about me on some level, and which I can feel like I matter to in some way. My community is the world in singleplayer games, with the NPC’s that inhabit them, and they care about me in some way. Maybe that’s sad or whatever, but I can only take what life allows me to have in the way of community, and if that’s a virtual world, that’s a virtual world, singleplayer or multiplayer, if that’s a book, that’s a book. The universe were I am accepted for who I am, and not shunned and marginalized has usually been a book or a PC game, going back to the day I was born. It just got more intense (I am 31) since I was 17 years old, and then more way more intense again when I was 26 years old, and way more intense yet again over the last three years during partial transition and post transition. For me games are a way to deal with a world that really just doesn’t care, and specializes in bullshitting human beings into believing it does, when it really, truly, does not.
At the moment I’ve been going through this game: http://store.steampowered.com/app/211260/
They Bleed Pixels is the name of it, and it’s right up my alley thematically: Gothic, bloody, dark,
And I will continue to go through Warcraft II Beyond the Dark Portal, but I took a break because it’s way more difficult than Tides of Darkness. I’ve got to regroup to beat the level I’m on, regroup, that is, psychologically.
Also, I didn’t goto highschool: I was self educated past the 7th grade; my parents bought me books and I studied the books, did the ‘homework’ and administered the tests, and even graded the tests…I got a GED though, eventually. Well, I say I didn’t goto highschool, I went for like 3 and a half months to an actual highschool in like 10th grade and I left because I couldn’t fit. So I basically just self schooled past the 7th grade…yeh…my parents pulled us into the first cult when I was 15…the 2nd cult when I was 16…so my life has been very strange, far removed from normal socialization.
Ok, so I have to remember to try to get a ticket for PAX East then, in October of this year, for 65 bucks, hunh?
Also, as far as people wanting to keep up with me offline, it’s always the people that live thousands of miles away…conveniently…There are plenty of people on this board here, right now, that live right around my geographical area, but they want nothing to do with me in real life/offline because they’re transphobic even though they would absolutely never admit to it and swear they weren’t…So it’s a nice sentiment, for sure, you know, I just think it’s good to point out that’s all it is: a sentiment.
Gaming, PC Gaming: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4mO88cEA7Q&hd=1
Final torture [Quake3 DeFRaG movie]
Oh yes, that defrag movie certainly wasn’t made by me…that’s just some random amazing video I liked to share, since the topic is gaming.
On the subject of conventions, I’ve seen many of these so called cosplayer pictures on reddit. I must admit my feelings on this are pretty ambivalent and all over the place. On the one hand they look sexy and it’s great to get out there and show your stuff and have tons of fun, on the other hand it reenforces sexism in a way; skimpy clothing/armor designed for the male gaze, women in video games as little more than sex objects with no character, etc. Even Lara Croft..who has come a long way might I add in the recent game, she started out as little more than T&A for straight white dudes, seriously, ugh. I just have mixed feelings about cosplayers cosplaying gaming heroines…it’s just..it’s never as simple as having fun and looking sexy; that part is great, for sure, and I feel happy to see it, but it just reenforces this ugly skimpy clothing/armor culture tailored for privileged white male dipshits.
Anyway, I’m looking forward to finishing Warcraft II Beyond the Dark Portal, and They Bleed Pixels (now that I’ve started it). Generally speaking I suck at RTS games, and am spooky scary good at Space Arena FPS, while being elite at Diablo.
I hope it’s cool if I just delurk here to say that I also struggle with poverty and social phobia and find great relief in gaming. I rarely play with other people but I’m open to new steam friends (same handle as here), and would very much like to have people like MaoistAnchoress to play with. (I didn’t make it past the first level of TBP but the combat mechanics seemed quite elegant and I’ve been meaning to give it another go).
I added you on steam dysomniak, it will be good to have another online friend; I can always feel better in some sense with another online friend. =)
Also, if you want I can add you too shockna, it’s up to you.
Thanks so much for reaching out to me and add me dysomniak ^.^
More gaming stuff, a mostly nice instructional chess video where he goes through some of Paul Morphy’s games:
Well, I didn’t comment here because people had already pointed out Penny Arcade’s stupidity and doubling down on rape but sadly this weekend they managed to take all the goodwill and willingness to forgive that the community has given them and try to throw it all away when Mike Krahulik said the one thing he regrets is having pulled the “Dickwolves” merchandise:
http://www.newstatesman.com/alex-hern/2013/09/penny-arcade-reopens-dickwolves-controversy
How deaf is this idiot? He really seems to think that the only bad bullying is targeted at him and he’s incapable of bullying because it’s not his intent.
I had no idea this ‘dickwolves’ stuff even existed, as I tend to be pretty disconnected from bourgeouis culture in this society (that includes things like PAX), and as I tend to despise all gamer culture as disgusting and irredeemable sexist garbage I typically interact very marginally with online communities, under my 10k aliases over 15 years (the number is still growing, it’s 10k+, somewhere abouts).
Now that I know about this, I don’t think I will be going to this convention ever (and I’d never been to it before) as I cannot see myself giving even the slightest amount of money to such a venue given the culture it is allowing to be promoted like this. I’m a multiple rape survivor, so I’ll stay away from this convention now…
Thanks for letting me know this was the case, as the thought these people would have procured my money is horrifying. I know people could object ‘but your shoes are made by sweatshops in India’ or some such, the point remains: I will not goto this convention. Everyone draws their moral principles in some fashion or another given their ability or inability to do so, and this is how I will draw mine. I will not attend a convention that blatantly shoves this culture in my face in this way. This is beyond disgusting.
Hell yes. Krahulik has long since jumped the shark into BULLY territory. He always trots out “I was bullied” as an excuse for his bullying, but doesn’t cop to his own shit. What I’d say to him (posted initially at A+):
Look at yourself. I know you hate bullies. Guess what you have become? Just fucking look at yourself, dumbass. You are a bully. Someone exposed a weakness in their defenses – told you a way to hurt them, in the hopes you would be compassionate. Instead, you decided to hurt them further – plus anyone that might have the same vulnerability.
Here’s you on stage, bullying some people from a position of authority. You know what happens when a popular bully mocks someone’s pain? The crowd laughs at the victim. You were greeted with applause by all your rape culture gamer douchebros. Just look in the mirror. You are a bully. The fucking end. Enjoy your bully life.
@Great American Satan +1,000
So true. Also, douchebros is definitely an apt phrase to describe these particular bullies. I have lots of experience being around them, but, thankfully, due to my 10K+ aliases online I’ve used over the last 15 years online (off and on, many stretches with years not spent online) I was able to limit the otherwise constant bullying I was subjected to.
Dymsomniac, I’m on Steam also. Under this name (which is what I use everywhere)
I’m not a great person to play multiplayer with, though – because I turned off voice chat a couple of years ago after getting tired of hearing constant racism, sexism, and homophobia. As a result of that I also can’t hear team instructions.
So now I’m one of those annoying people in multiplayer who just does what seems best at that particular moment, which might not be what has been “planned.”
(And as far as PAX, you couldn’t pay me to go. Last I heard of PA on the whole controversy is what was mentioned above, which I take as them taking back any apologies or attempts at understanding and deciding they should have stuck with the “rape is funny” position they started out with.)
TMNT 2 The Arcade Game (NES) – Technodrome music
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NHC36aOcH0
My favorite NES game of all time.
Metroid Music-Title
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lyw8GFkZhxQ
Also one of my favorites.
Another one of the best:
http://www.wired.com/underwire/2013/09/penny-arcade-expo-dickwolves/
From article:
I agree, and it’s funny I’m so disconnected from gamer culture-this despite the ridiculous amount of rape threats, death threats, bigotry, sexual harassment, and other stuff I’ve been subjected to pre and post transition so much that I lost count ten years ago- that I barely even knew what PAX was, let alone that there was this controversy. I am so glad I won’t be going, there is no way I can support rape culture in the slightest or go to a convention cofounded by a jerk like this one who does support rape culture.
That article and the ones it links to are great. Fudge these motherfudgers all the way back to Fudgistan. Words fail me.
Often when major poop is going down in the world, I will see it in a certain way, simple, diluted, pure and obvious, and I will not hear anyone in a public position say what I was thinking. For example, when The Artist Formerly Known as P Diddy said he didn’t want the “P” to come between him and his fans, I thought of R Kelly. No one seemed to say anything about that.
Anyhow, I’m standing by the refrigerator a few days ago and I thought “This guy is a bully, and he hates bullies! People should call him that, as a meaningful insult and accurate descriptor!” I was prepared for it to not happen – for no one to notice. But then it happened.
Everyone is calling him a bully! It’s fucking beautiful.
@GreatAmericanSatan
It really is beautiful isn’t it? Unfortunately it’s not enough to change things, but at least it’s happening and liberating for countless victims of rape (that includes myself) to be able to say this person is a bully.