I get more weird emails

Though these formspring.me questions are much more important, so I’ll actually answer them:

How do you stop a bear ( grizzly) from eating a baby? Need an answer asap.

Obviously this bear is an atheist. Your only hope is to offer it something it wants even more, like definitive proof that God does not exist. Good luck.

I suspect my coworker is a bear. As someone who studies biology, how can I tell for sure? She is always playfully caressing me and leaving large gashes. She invited me over for fish and a movie. My parents would never approve of a bear daughter-in-law.

My friend Spelios offers his expert bear advice: “Paint your front lawn like an endzone. If they can’t enter it, they are likely a Bear.”

How do you get a bear to quit calling you after you sleep with it to stop it from eating a baby? I’m afraid simply ignoring her calls could lead to a mauling. Follow up biology type question, can a human and bear have a child together?

My friend Mark offers his expert bear insights: “Apologize and tell the bear that you prefer twinks.”

As for having a child together, I’m afraid it’s true. How else do you think we get talking bears like Yogi, Fozzi, and Ditka?

This is post 31 of 49 of Blogathon. Pledge a donation to the Secular Student Alliance here.


  1. LS says

    I don’t think she gets to claim sleep deprivation after a mere 12 hours. But she’s gotta be suffering from bleeding fingers from all the typing at this point.

  2. says

    The second one a little, and the third a ton, totally make me think: “Bear fucker – do you need assistance?” Ah, Supertroopers. What a wonderfully hilariously absurdly ridiculous wonderful movie. Hey Jen, do the schnozberries taste like schnozberries?

  3. Azkyroth says

    Also Blueberry, my daughter’s teddy bear “baby.” Blueberry’s daddy went back to the forest, and she visits him occasionally. Her grandma (on his side) died though :(

  4. Raiki says

    Bears and humans can, in fact, procreate. Any reader of George RR Martin’s amazing fantasy series “A Song of Ice and Fire” could tell you that. One of the characters meets a wild man (who’s name, alas, escapes me) who sired two sons upon a bear wench with a healthy sexual appetite. From what he told, she was quite the lover. (Really…read ASoIaF. It’s the best book series ever.)~R~

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