How to pick up women, according to the Bible

Are you an atheist who’s had dating problems? No wonder! Didn’t you know all the dating advice you need is in the Bible? Why, here are some obvious suggestions for finding a woman that you probably never thought of because of your blaspheming ways:

2) “Lay hold on” a virgin who is not betrothed to another man, and have sex with her, but afterwards pay her father a sum of money. Then she’s yours. (Deut. 22:28-29)

4) Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.–Moses (Ex. 2:16-21)

5) Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.–Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

6) Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.–Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

You can read the rest of these woman-finding tips here. As for finding a man… sorry, the Bible doesn’t give many more tips other than “sit and wait until a man buys/rapes you.” Don’t we have it easy, ladies?!

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  1. says

    Back when I was dating, I thought that the secret was to be a nice guy. That didn’t really work. Now I see how foolish I was!But I was already an atheist and didn’t use the Bible for advice. That was the problem.

  2. says

    And yet people argue that Judeo-Christianity isn’t inherently misogynist. Even in the NT, women are still treated like chattel (if they’re even mentioned at all!) Though if I were sold with a goat (my current pet obsession) then that might be okay. Especially if it were a fainting goat.

  3. says

    Yeah… ummm… no. For all the trouble involved, it is fundamentally worthwhile to develop yourself as a person worth dating, and then looking for a woman you are compatible with and then spending enough time together that you are both convinced that marriage is the logical next step. Filling a sock full of quarters and knocking a woman unconscious (or girl I guess, the Bible isn’t too picky on age from what I understand, so long as she’s a virgin…), and then having my way with her just doesn’t seem to be that appealing. Although in that specific instance I guess you just give the sock of quarters to her dad and you’re good? I suppose? No thanks, I’m happy with the way I found my wife. Call me a romantic…

  4. says

    I’m so far out of the loop that I don’t know the difference. I was the kind of nice guy that girls either didn’t notice or treated as a friend. Just a friend. Wow! I was Xander Harris!

  5. Nirven says

    I remember at least one, well, “advice”, for women: Lure him to a cave, get him drunk and rape him.But that was about two sisters raping their dad, so I’m not sure if this counts as dating advice…

  6. Erp says

    Well Abigail did manage to get her man admittedly she had to give her first husband a heart attack (1 Samuel 25)

  7. Hipopotamo says

    I’ve been failing miserably on the dating scene, but then I thought consent was required. Well, the Bible just showed the wrong on my ways!

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