Bill O’Reilly Does The Same Damn Thing He Always Does…

Seriously, I had to check the calendar. Billo had American Atheists president David Silverman on, and… Oh, go see for yourself. Or, frankly, don’t. You already know the dance. The steps are the same, the music is the same, the dancers are the same… only the date has changed.

Dammit, if Billo can do it, so can I. (consults random number generator…)

‘Twas the night before Christmas; the Christians all hunkered
In basements of buildings they’d armored and bunkered.
They huddled in silence; they huddled in fear,
With thoughts that the atheists soon would draw near

The War Against Christmas had started on Fox—
Just a couple of fools on the idiot-box
Who were looking for noise to give ratings a boost—
But lately, those chickens have come home to roost:

Believers are frightened; they’re panicked; they’re scared,
And not one among them will go unprepared;
They’ve heard that the atheists roam, Christmas night,
So Christians stay hidden, and safe out of sight.

It’s serious business, the whole Christmas season,
When people of faith fend off people of reason—
At least, that’s the story you hear on TV,
So the basement’s the place meant for children to be

There’ll be no “Silent Night”, or “Away in the Manger”
The godless might hear it! Consider the danger!
And then, they’d attack—Why, they’ve done it for years,
With that vile “Season’s Greetings!” invading the ears!

“Happy Holidays!” may seem inclusive and nice,
But it just isn’t Christmas, unless it’s got Christ;
Those words are no less than a form of assault!
So it’s war (and it’s clearly the atheists’ fault!)

(Plus, it’s unpatriotic, and now it’s high time
We made non-Christian greetings a federal crime!
The clear, true intent of our great founding fathers—
Which someone should check, although nobody bothers)

The elders remember an earlier time,
When a bottle of Coke only cost you a dime,
Each Christmas the snowfall was brilliant and white
And there wasn’t an atheist heathen in sight!

Folks visited neighbors; they caroled with friends;
They hand-crafted gifts out of old odds and ends;
They knew that the joys of the season would last…
But now, such delights are a thing of the past.

There are rifles to oil; there is ammo to check;
There’s a radio, straining to tune in Glen Beck;
No time to sing carols, or even say prayers,
With the danger that some may be caught unawares!

A war—manufactured, but war nonetheless—
Could kill hundreds, or thousands, it’s anyone’s guess;
They’re under attack, and that is the reason
They’re locked and they’re loaded, the whole Christmas season!

***

The atheists, meanwhile, are feasting and singing;
Our stockings are hung and our sleigh-bells are ringing—
Though Jesus had nothing to do with a sleigh,
We’re all unbelievers, and so it’s ok!

With holly, and eggnog, and mistletoe kisses,
We’ll watch “It’s a wonderful life” (just like this is)
With family and friends—with the people who love us—
With no one beneath us, nor no one above us

We’ll celebrate all the things Christmas is for,
Like giving, and loving, not hatred or war
And we’ll say to the world (cos we’ve got every right):
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

(yes, I linked to this in my very most recent post. Complain to Billo–if he can put himself on autopilot, so can I)

More On The War On Christmas

The latest silliness from Pat Robertson and from Bill O’Reilly has been making the rounds–Lawrence O’Donnell offers a simple counter-example (video at link) to the claim of the bitter, hateful atheist who wants everybody to be miserable at Christmas the end of December. That counter-example?

Ricky Gervais.

In a 2010 article in the Wall Street Journal, Gervais answers questions about atheism; the last question asked is “How do you plan on celebrating Christmas?”

Eating and drinking too much with friends and family. Celebrating life and remembering those that did, but can no longer.

They are not looking down on me but they live in my mind and heart more than they ever did probably. Some, I was lucky enough to bump into on this planet of six billion people. Others shared much of my genetic material. One selflessly did her best for me all my life. That’s what mums do though. They do it for no other reason than love. Not for reward. Not for recognition. They create you. From nothing. Miracle? They do those every day. No big deal. They are not worshiped. They would give their life without the promise of heaven. They teach you everything they know yet they are not declared prophets. And you only have one.

I am crying as I write this.

His full answer is beautiful. Go read it.

Related posts:

The Night Before (The War On) Christmas. A scary story, but with a happy ending.

(The War On) The War On The War On The War On Christmas You know, in case you feel like denying that there is such a war.

The War Against Christmas Comes Early One of my favorites, contrasting the solemn observation of Christmas in early America with the modern celebration.

An Atheist’s Christmas Answers the question “why would an atheist want to celebrate Christmas?” Another favorite.

An Atheist Christmas Card Just a wee bit snarky. Mostly sweet. Historically accurate.

Another Atheist Christmas Card Weapons-grade glurge, but I’ve already had some people tell me this one is their favorite.

‘Tis The Season Last year’s earlier offering. It’s actually a song, if only I were a singer.

The War On Christmas, Explained Blunt, for those who are unclear on the concept. Not terribly poetic, though.

It’s Tough To Be Christian (When Christmastime Comes) A lament. It’s always nice to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.

This Means War! (on Christmas) A brief explanation of the War.

In Which I Agree With The Pope… A Little

Away in a manger, no crib for his bed
The pope says believers are being misled
The stars in the sky look down where he lay
The pope says it didn’t quite happen this way

The cattle are lowing; the poor baby wakes
The pope says the story is full of mistakes
I love thee Lord Jesus, look down from the sky
But even the pope knows the story’s a lie

Be near me Lord Jesus, I ask you to stay
The stories are bogus; what more can one say?
Bless all the dear children in Thy tender care
Their number is zero… you really aren’t there

Yeah, the pope has a new book out-volume three of his biography of Jesus. This one, “Jesus of Nazareth–The Infancy Narratives” (conveniently out in time for Christmas sales) would appear to be yet another salvo fired in the war against Christmas. That’s right, against. All those nativity scenes in Santa Monica and elsewhere? Yeah, not so much.

According to the pope’s research, there is also no evidence in the Gospels that the cattle and other animals traditionally pictured gathered around the manger were actually present.

He also debunks the claim that angels sang at the birth, a staple theme of Christmas carols.

I can’t wait until Bill O’Reilly attacks him for being a grinch.

Santa (Monica) Won’t Let Jesus Come To Town

“The atheists know
how the game’s s’posed to go;
That’s the only reason they won it”
You see, all good fools
know that reading the rules
Is the best way to solve a whodunit
Now this ruling means
our nativity scenes
Are in violation of laws!
But I’m filled with doubt—
could you point the law out?
(First Amendment; establishment clause.)

Earlier this year, I wrote about the decision to remove all the displays–nativity scenes, menorah displays, pastafarian dishes, you name it–from the Santa Monica oceanside park where nativity scenes had been displayed for decades.

A coalition of churches asked a judge to allow displays to continue this year, while the case was still making its way through the courts… and the judge said no.

William Becker, the attorney for the Christian group, said he expects the case will be dismissed at a hearing on Dec. 3 based on Monday’s proceedings and plans to appeal.

“The atheists won and they will always win unless we get courts to understand how the game is played and this is a game that was played very successfully and they knew it,” Becker said, comparing the city to Pontius Pilate, the Roman official who authorized Jesus’ crucifixion.

A good move, when your case depends on not being explicitly religious in nature.

There are plenty of other places in town where nativity scenes will be displayed. There is a limited amount of space where a public park can show an unobstructed view of the sun setting over the Pacific.

Good move, judge.

Atheists Are Going To Hell

(to the tune of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”)

You’d better watch Fox
You’d better watch now
You’d better watch Bill
He’s telling us how
Atheists are going to Hell.

He’s throwing a fit
He’s taping a show
He’s telling us all
He wants us to know
Atheists are going to Hell

He hopes we all are watching
There’s stuff he wants to say
He doesn’t have the slightest clue
But he’s talking anyway

So

It’s time to watch out
It’s time to beware
It’s time to know Bill
Has bullshit to air
“Atheists are going to Hell”

Oh… Bill. The gift that keeps on… talking.

The War on Christmas must be a real money-maker for Bill.

An Atheist’s Christmas…

It must be mid-November; I’m starting to get lots of hits for “Atheist Christmas” and related terms. So I thought I’d make it a little easier, and bring this one back to the top of the stack for a bit. I’m working on one (which, by the way, is very strange for me, but I have been very busy) which I quite like, but for now this will have to do.

An Atheist’s Christmas

We’ll all open presents, and cook a big dinner,
And share in traditions we learned long ago
But Christmas is different for this humble sinner,
No “birth of the saviour”, just people we know.

It has nothing to do with a babe in a manger
Or kings being led by a star up above,
But rather in family, friend, and in stranger,
In kindnesses done for the people we love.

A spirit of hope, and a season of giving,
A promise of peace in a troubling day,
A chance to examine the way we are living–
The courage to say what we’ve wanted to say.

You don’t need to think there’s a god up above you
To want to be good to your fellows on Earth.
To give to your friends, and to tell them “I love you”
Has nothing to do with some son of god’s birth.

For love, and for giving, we say “tis the season”
For caring, for kindness, for sharing good cheer
But why limit ourselves? I mean, what is the reason?
Why can’t we be giving the rest of the year?

This Christmas, my wish for each sister and brother,
To you, and to everyone you may hold dear;
Remember, this Christmas, to love one another—
Not only this season, but all through the year!

Related posts: An Atheist Christmas Card
Tis the Season
The War Against Christmas Comes Early

And yes, feel free to use this in any personal projects. If you use it in some money-making scheme, talk to me first. If you use it in a money-making scheme without talking to me first, you are agreeing to pay me 150% of the gross. Merry Christmas.

Wait, What… Christmas Already?

So yeah, PZ has a Christmas post up already? I know the malls already have spray snow, holly and mistletoe, and other signs of war Christmas; I’ve heard the music, seen the decorations, smelled the mulled cider… but PZ? This must mean it’s getting late.

I’m hopeful (but hey, the real world imposes itself sometimes) that I’ll have some cool cephalopodmas swag for you soon, but for now…

In mega-malls and coffee shops
In giant chains and mom-and-pops
The mistletoe and holly have been decked
The garland—silver, red, and green
Has been in place since Halloween
In store displays we’ve all come to expect
Employees dressed as helpful elves
Are stringing lights and stocking shelves
And spraying trees with artificial snow
And everywhere, the carols play
There’s no place you can get away
Cos Christmas is endangered, don’t you know?

I’m gearing up for this year’s war on Christmas
It’s gonna be a knock-down, drag-out fight!
I’m pissed off and I’m ranty, cos
It’s two full months of santy claus
And all I really want’s a silent night

We see displays in family yards
And messages in greeting cards
Which use an anti-Christian sort of phrase
Though everywhere across the earth
They’re celebrating Jesus’ birth
They use the PC “Happy Holidays”
I’ve seen examples by the scores
In catalogs and online stores
As well as at some places here in town
As everybody celebrates,
Their choice of phrases demonstrates
Their real agenda’s tearing Christmas down!

I’m gearing up for this year’s war on Christmas
It’s gonna be the worst you’ve ever seen
A little bad behavior’s worth
The selling of our savior’s birth
And doing so since not quite Halloween

We’re gathering with friends, to go
Despite the cold, despite the snow,
Sing carols for the old folks down the street
Surrounded by the happy greetings,
Hugs and kisses, merry meetings,
Smiles on all the faces that we meet.
We’re celebrating life and love
And not some savior from above
Our Christmas is a secular affair
Cos Christmas is for everyone—
Believe, or not, it’s still just fun
And if that thought offends you, I don’t care

I’m gearing up for this year’s war on Christmas
The birthday of our savior Jesus Christ
And what the hell, if this myth fails
There’s always after-Christmas sales
Where underwear and liquor are half priced

I really want to be able to actually sing this for you. It’s really pretty cool. Or not; I’m not a musician. Yes, it is an oldie. I’m grading. It’s this or the test pattern….

The Year That Santa Drowned

Twas the night before Christmas
The kids looked around
Their eyes welled with tears,
Though they made not a sound
A sleigh would need snow;
There was none to be found
Just the puddles where raindrops had pelted

They hoped in their hearts
That Saint Nick would come ‘round
With presents and toys
To amuse and astound
Then the word started spreading
That Santa had drowned
When the ice at the North Pole had melted

It’s the year every good son and daughter
Will be sighing and shedding a tear
Cos they found Santa’s corpse under water
And there won’t be a Christmas this year

No Santa appeared
To the kids who were spying
Though they’d really been good
Or at least, they’d been trying
No jingle of bells
And no reindeer a-flying
Or magically pulling a sled

If we’d only done something
Instead of denying;
Complied with Kyoto
Instead of defying
Now everywhere, everywhere,
Children are crying
Cos Santa—sweet Santa!—is dead.

It’s the year every good son and daughter
Will be sighing and shedding a tear
Cos they found Santa’s corpse under water
And there won’t be a Christmas this year

The hearth is ablaze
With a crackling roar,
And the stockings are scattered
About on the floor.
And the children don’t know
Who the cookies are for,
If Saint Nicholas won’t be around.

For the reindeer are missing,
The elves are all gone.
No more jolly ho-ho,
No red sleigh on the lawn,
No more squeals of delight
In the light of the dawn;
It’s the year that Santa Claus drowned.

It’s the year every good son and daughter
Will be sighing and shedding a tear
Cos they found Santa’s corpse under water
And there won’t be a Christmas this year

This one is by request, for commenter Johnny Vector (who is also responsible for the last verse! Yay!), who points to this article on Skeptical Science, and specifically to the comments thereof.

Feel free to try out some additional verses (crowdsourcing!), or put it to music, or whatever.