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Horses And Bayonets (The Ballad Of Romney’s Run)

For weeks and weeks, for months and months
We battled toward the right
Outflanking arch-conservatives
We had to win the fight
We dropped opponents one by one
Who couldn’t keep the pace
Now we’re miles from the center
But at least we won that race

And it’s saddle up your horses, lads,
And fix your bayonets
We’re looking for some voters
So we’ll lie without regrets
We’ll ride hell-bent for leather
And we’ll cut our way with steel
We’ll tell the voters what they want
And act as if it’s real

When Perry fell, and Bachmann fell,
And Gingrich, too, and Cain,
We passed them—on the right, of course,
Their losses were our gain
We said the things we had to say
To pander to our base
Now we’re hell and gone from “moderate”
But at least we won that race.

And it’s saddle up your horses, lads,
And fix your bayonets
We’re looking for some voters
So we’ll lie without regrets
We’ll ride hell-bent for leather
And we’ll cut our way with steel
We’ll tell the voters what they want
And act as if it’s real

When we met at the convention
We were serving up raw meat
With partisans surrounding us,
No need to be discreet;
We’d hide our views if needed,
But it never was the case—
No leftist thoughts contaminate
Our winning of the race

And it’s saddle up your horses, lads,
And fix your bayonets
We’re looking for some voters
So we’ll lie without regrets
We’ll ride hell-bent for leather
And we’ll cut our way with steel
We’ll tell the voters what they want
And act as if it’s real

Now we need to reach the center
And it’s quite a dreadful hike
Are there undecided voters?
Then let’s tell them what they like
Once we know the stuff they like to hear
We’ll say it to their face
Sure, it seems a bit dishonest
But we have to win this race

And it’s saddle up your horses, lads,
And fix your bayonets
We’re looking for some voters
So we’ll lie without regrets
We’ll ride hell-bent for leather
And we’ll cut our way with steel
We’ll tell the voters what they want
And act as if it’s real

Now we’re sprinting to the finish
It’s a battle; it’s a war
And we need to reach the people
Who weren’t listening before
So we boldly bear false witness—
It’s forgiven, by God’s grace—
If we told the truth, unvarnished,
Then we wouldn’t win the race!

And it’s saddle up your horses, lads,
And fix your bayonets
We’re looking for some voters
So we’ll lie without regrets
We’ll ride hell-bent for leather
And we’ll cut our way with steel
We’ll tell the voters what they want
And act as if it’s real

Comments

  1. says

    Actually I thought (with all that “And it’s saddle up your horses, lads, / And fix your bayonets” you were channeling dear old Rudyard’s Barrack-Room Ballads.

  2. says

    Cuttlefish, you have outdone yourself. This is brilliant.

    As for which melody, it seems to have been written in a standard ballad metre (not well enough versed in poetry to say which one.) So there are probably a number of different tunes that would work. My first thought was “The Battle of New Orleans” too.

  3. hexidecima says

    “So we boldly bear false witness—
    It’s forgiven, by God’s grace—
    If we told the truth, unvarnished,
    Then we wouldn’t win the race!”

    my favorite lines :)

  4. Dentalmike says

    Reminds me of Mel Brooks- the 2013 year-old man. Carl Reiner: What of Paul Revere? 2013man: “An Anti-Semite Bastard. He had Fear they was moving in! A meshuggennah riding in the midddle of the night yelling “They’re Coming! They’re Coming! The YIDDUSH- They’re Coming! Reiner: He said the BRITISH are coming! 2013 man: Oy my Gaaad! And I didn’t even go to his funeral! Oy, Oy Oy!

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