So I was forwarded a resume last night. The recession must be worse than I thought. Jesus Christ is looking for a job. After the jump, because the formatting is a bit wonky-but, hey, it’s a resume, so I didn’t want to reformat it:
I’ve only had one employer, (See Luke 2:49 ).
I’ve never been tardy, absent, disobedient, slothful or disrespectful.
My employer has nothing but rave reviews for me, (See Matthew 3:15 -17)
Skills Work Experiences
Some of my skills and work experiences include: empowering the poor to be poor no more, healing the brokenhearted, setting the captives free, healing the sick, restoring sight to the blind and setting at liberty them that are bruised, (See Luke 4:18).
I am a Wonderful Counselor, (See Isaiah 9:6). People who listen to me shall dwell safely and shall not fear evil, (See Proverbs 1:33 ).
Most importantly, I have the authority, ability and power to cleanse you of your sins, (See I John 1:7-9)
I encompass the entire breadth and length of knowledge, wisdom and understanding, (See Proverbs 2:6).
In me are hid all of the treasures of wisdom and knowledge, (See Colossians 2:3).
My Word is so powerful; it has been described as being a lamp unto your feet and a light unto your path, (See Psalms 119:105).
I can even tell you all of the secrets of your heart, (See Psalms 44:21).
I was an active participant in the greatest Summit Meeting of all times, (See Genesis 1:26 ).
I laid down my life so that you may live, (See II Corinthians 5:15 ).
I defeated the arch enemy of God and mankind and made a show of them openly, (See Colossians 2:15 ).
I’ve miraculously fed the poor, healed the sick and raised the dead!
There are many more major accomplishments, too many to mention here. You can read them on my website, which is located at: www dot – the BIBLE. You don’t need an Internet connection or computer to access my website.
Believers and followers worldwide will testify to my divine healing, salvation, deliverance, miracles, restoration and supernatural guidance.
Now that you’ve read my resume, I’m confident that I’m the only candidate uniquely qualified to fill this vital position in your heart. In summation, I will properly direct your paths, (See Proverbs 3:5-6), and lead you into everlasting life, (See John 6:47 ). When can I start? Time is of the essence, (See Hebrews 3:15 ).
So, as prospective employers, how would you evaluate this applicant? I mean, looking through his letters of recommendation, I see that he has a bit of a temper problem (Mark 11:12-14), even stooping to physical violence (John 2:13-16)…
(Via twitter, @cassandradvrn suggests that his employment situation might be because he presents as a “long haired hippy”.)