Someone found an ancient post just to call me slut:
I’m gonna have to side with the hater–using the term “sex positive” doesn’t make you come across as a well-rounded human being. It depresses me to think of how young you probably were when you lost it. And since then you haven’t slowed down your tampin’ around, clearly
I’m all about liberalism, but a slut is a slut, even if you do have good politics. Sex has ruined a lot of people. Be an infidel if you want, but God does exist–I’m sure of it, honey. And if you’re not with God, well, you’re with…
I assume their answer is Satan, but we can come up with something more entertaining than that. Dear readers, can you please enlighten me who I’ve been hanging out with instead of God that’s turned me into such a slutty-slut?
110 comments
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Improbable Joe
June 7, 2012 at 4:13 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
… Paris Hilton?
Fiona
June 7, 2012 at 4:13 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
me!
And teh interwebz
Spencer
June 7, 2012 at 4:13 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Ricky Martin.
Three Ninjas
June 7, 2012 at 4:14 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
John Dupras and his marble ass.
Jen
June 7, 2012 at 4:17 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Like.
Gordon
June 7, 2012 at 4:21 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Isnt Jesus the real “slut”, trying to have a relationship with everyone?
kevinlyda
June 7, 2012 at 4:24 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Hm. Maybe a list…
* Bristol Palin
* Catholic priests
* Newt Gingrich
* Bonobo monkeys
* Gengis Kahn
* The Duggars
William Brinkman
June 7, 2012 at 4:24 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
You’re with the reformed spirit of Hitchens! Hey, who is to say he didn’t change his ways after his death. ;)
LS
June 7, 2012 at 4:27 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Someone who exists, probably.
This reminds me of a series of comments I got from a fellow called “Eternal Cartesian” on my short lived philosophy blog. Dude commented frequently about how “many philosophers have viewed drugs and sex as harmful to the intellect” and how I should remain “pure in my search for truth.”
Fun times.
lazyHuman
June 7, 2012 at 4:31 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
…if you’re not with God, well, you’re with child. Because only god can prevent pregnancy.
Alteredstory
June 7, 2012 at 4:42 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Well, FSM, DOES have all those tentacle-like noodly appendages…
Alteredstory
June 7, 2012 at 4:44 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Well, FSM DOES have all those tentacle-like noodly appendages…
Azkyroth, Former Growing Toaster Oven
June 7, 2012 at 4:45 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
With the occasional exception.
LS
June 7, 2012 at 4:45 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Damn, that’s good.
Azkyroth, Former Growing Toaster Oven
June 7, 2012 at 4:45 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
The band?
The road crew?
All of the above?
Alteredstory
June 7, 2012 at 4:46 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Oh no! Double post! Kill it with fire!
*hangs head in shame* I blame the sketchy internet where I’m at. Thought it didn’t go through.
Azkyroth, Former Growing Toaster Oven
June 7, 2012 at 4:47 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Translation:
I sympathize. *pouts* ;/
Fiona
June 7, 2012 at 4:48 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
LIKE
Akheloios
June 7, 2012 at 4:49 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Leonard Nimoy.
Not for any political, philosphical or religious reasons, I just think it would be far cooler to hang round with him than any god.
Kels
June 7, 2012 at 4:51 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
…PZ Myers.
Well, not WITH with, ifyouknowwhatImean. You’s jes’ good buds.
Kels
June 7, 2012 at 4:52 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
So does Cthulhu….
Wait, has anyone ever seen the both of them at the same time?
Marie the Bookwyrm
June 7, 2012 at 5:00 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
um….Aphrodite?
No, wait! Cybele! She’s the one who’s priests castrated themselves, right?
Arancaytar
June 7, 2012 at 5:01 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
… with a straight face?
Arancaytar
June 7, 2012 at 5:03 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
(That was questioning him saying it with a straight face, not completing the sentence, which doesn’t really make sense anyway.)
Maria Ann
June 7, 2012 at 5:15 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
I’m going to go with Harrison Ford, because the man is nearly SEVENTY but I would still totally hit that.
Jasen777
June 7, 2012 at 5:30 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Big list here: http://www.lowchensaustralia.com/names/godslove.htm
I guess I’ll go with Xtabay, goddess of seduction.
gabrielwrites
June 7, 2012 at 5:30 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Ted Haggard
Steppenwolf
June 7, 2012 at 5:33 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Charlie Sheen.
Screamer77
June 7, 2012 at 5:39 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Spaghetti Monster! :)
CycleNinja
June 7, 2012 at 5:41 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
…the cool kids.
dexitroboper
June 7, 2012 at 5:42 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Sister Sweden of course.
Ted Powell
June 7, 2012 at 5:43 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Dionysus, son of Zeus and Semele, God of Wine, Theatre, and Ecstasy. (Check out the picture at the link.)
Ophelia Benson
June 7, 2012 at 5:47 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
The one what brung ya?
Ophelia Benson
June 7, 2012 at 5:48 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
God’s rebellious sister.
Ophelia Benson
June 7, 2012 at 5:49 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Loki.
Caliguy7281
June 7, 2012 at 5:49 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
You’re with Coco?
Ophelia Benson
June 7, 2012 at 5:49 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
…people who are a lot more fun.
SteveInMI
June 7, 2012 at 5:50 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Wow… concerned troll IS concerned!
ednaz
June 7, 2012 at 5:57 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Maria Ann says:
I’m going to go with Harrison Ford, because the man is nearly SEVENTY but I would still totally hit that.
LIKE!
carlie
June 7, 2012 at 6:00 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
…out a care in the world?
TerranRich
June 7, 2012 at 6:15 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
…out a doubt correct.
'Tis Himself
June 7, 2012 at 6:20 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
…the godless.
WithinThisMind
June 7, 2012 at 6:36 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
dignity!
jeremyyoder
June 7, 2012 at 6:37 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Duh? Dan Savage. He’s had that effect on a lot of people.
Brian
June 7, 2012 at 6:38 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
There’s only one possible answer, isn’t there?
MEN.
C’mon, folks. That’s a gimme.
Stacy
June 7, 2012 at 6:43 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
…demons. Slutty demons. Sexy, slutty demons who look like James Dean and Elvis and Johnny Depp all rolled into one. They hold your gaze with their hooded eyes and when you blush they boldly look you up and down and then their eyes return to yours and they give a little grin, just a half-grin, as if to say they know what they like and they like what they see, and then….
…I’m sorry, what were we talking about?
Salmo
June 7, 2012 at 6:48 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Tampin’?
BT Murtagh
June 7, 2012 at 6:54 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
The Virgin Mary… no, wait, I meant Gilbert Gottfried.
I always mix those two up.
Sandy
June 7, 2012 at 6:55 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
…the grown-ups?
iknklast
June 7, 2012 at 7:23 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Tim Minchin.
Kris
June 7, 2012 at 7:31 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Zeus had a lot of sex. Maybe you’re with him.
Marcelo
June 7, 2012 at 7:32 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
By that list there are chinese gods of sodomy, face cream(?!), a marriage arranger, one for brothels/lasciviousness/prostitution/sex and of course fertility.
Chinese gods parties must be awesome.
BonnieBeth
June 7, 2012 at 7:38 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
…so does this poor bunny.
Eric RoM
June 7, 2012 at 7:47 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Cthulu.
Paddy
June 7, 2012 at 7:54 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Well since you’re a “slutty” slut…
The Oakland Raiders, all 53 of ‘em.
eNeMeE
June 7, 2012 at 8:10 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Reality!
C Rowan
June 7, 2012 at 8:29 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
You’re with everybody except Ian… and Ian hates that.
C Rowan
June 7, 2012 at 8:30 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
“Ian” being the person who made the comment.
abeille
June 7, 2012 at 8:32 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
I think we were talking about Johnny Depp.
Mmmmm Johnny Depp. <3
abeille
June 7, 2012 at 8:36 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Oh!
Ray Comfort!
You know he’ll bring the bananas. ;)
Jaws
June 7, 2012 at 9:02 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Well, if she’s going to be a slut, it can’t be with just one man.
It must be with many men.
Many white, religious men who know how to put a a woman in her place.
All at once.
Porn optional.
</sarcasm>
tim rowledge, Ersatz Haderach
June 7, 2012 at 9:29 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Well, obviously it’s actually missing some important words there. Let’s see what my AdvancedQuantumDoohickey can make of the rest of that packet. Ah –
“if you’re not with God, well, you’re **Withheld for National Security Reasons**”
That makes so much more sense than the original.
Ted Powell
June 7, 2012 at 10:14 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Tampin’ is what Phineas Gage was doing at the time of the accident.
mouthyb
June 7, 2012 at 11:30 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
…with a better group of people than Ian (the fella who typed that comment)?
Gilgamesh
June 8, 2012 at 12:28 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
This is going to sound like a stupid question, but is there some sort of cumulative points system or something for losing your virginity? Does your vagina charge up with a power attack like a Dragon Ball Z character, and the longer you wait the more devastating the fireball or something? If you make it to 23 you get superpowers, but if the hymen is ruptured you’re out of luck? Do you get a larger cake the more years you go without having had sex?
That’s the only reason I can fathom that Ian gets depressed thinking about how young Jen was when she “lost it” (“it”, I assume, being her ability to call unicorns, or translate Linear B, or… what’s special about virginity again? I’ve lost track.)
neleabels
June 8, 2012 at 12:58 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
God and homeopathy…
mouthyb
June 8, 2012 at 1:56 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Gilgamesh: I don’t know about anyone else, but I can shoot rainbows and unicorns from my cunt. Comes in handy when I want to distract geeks.
Ray Moscow
June 8, 2012 at 2:46 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Science! Which ulitimately is of the devil.
http://i48.tinypic.com/2llhfs1.jpg
Rumtopf
June 8, 2012 at 3:16 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Aah, those dastardly incubi.
carpenterman
June 8, 2012 at 3:37 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Who turned you into such a slutty slut? Who cares? Once you’ve reached the promised land, does it matter which camel you rode on (so to speak)?
Being able to have sex anytime we want is arguably the best thing about being a primate. Never, ever trust anyone who tells you you should be having less sex.
Johnny Vector
June 8, 2012 at 4:40 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
The boys in the crew are just waiting for you!
Sorry, that has nothing to do with the post, it’s just an automatic reaction in my brain. But since the original comment has nothing to do with reality, I think we’re square.
Noadi
June 8, 2012 at 5:32 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Don’t forget Sean Connery, he’s over 80 and still sexy.
Kilian Hekhuis
June 8, 2012 at 5:47 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Damn, beat me to it!
Pierce R. Butler
June 8, 2012 at 5:52 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
… Poseidon, bringer of ‘quakes!
…-out a care!
…your own hot self!
Stacy
June 8, 2012 at 6:46 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Mary’s version of The Aristocrats is funnier.
sqlrob
June 8, 2012 at 6:58 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Anybody but the commenter, obviously.
littlejohn
June 8, 2012 at 7:46 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Rick Santorum. Just google his name!
James
June 8, 2012 at 7:48 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Love the Zappa quote.
Corvus illustris
June 8, 2012 at 8:09 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
More likely one of them there ithyphallic satyrs mentioned in the link.
d cwilson
June 8, 2012 at 8:21 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Thor. Nobody knows how to swing a “hammer” better.
(walks away)
(walks back)
The hammer is his penis.
CyberLizard
June 8, 2012 at 8:34 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Ron Jeremy
daenyx
June 8, 2012 at 8:41 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Damn you! Beat me to it. ^_^
John Horstman
June 8, 2012 at 8:42 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
I’m still wondering about the bit where sex somehow “ruined a lot of people.” Someone touches one’s genitals and suddenly one can’t hold down a job? One can’t engage in lively conversation? One becomes a humorless troll? One becomes permanently catatonic? I’ve never seen that happen. In what way can sex possibly “ruin” someone?
(Note: rape or sexual assault can obviously be very traumatic for someone, though I would still not consider a victim/survivor of either “ruined”, nor would I consider either to be “sex” on the part of the victim/survivor.)
daenyx
June 8, 2012 at 8:42 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Sanguine, clearly!
Illuminata, Genie in the Beer Bottle
June 8, 2012 at 10:14 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Seconded eleven billionty times.
The Rose
June 8, 2012 at 10:41 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
You’re with … As in Queen’s “Death On Two Legs (dedicated to …)”. According to Freddie Mercury, it’s about a … we call, Death On Two Legs!
The Rose
June 8, 2012 at 10:46 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
And, of course, when you look at … under the microscope, you see that it’s really @§@
— FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER! —
Nick
June 8, 2012 at 11:59 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
The Lesbian Infidel Mafia.
Marcus
June 8, 2012 at 1:27 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Virginity makes coffee taste better. From what I remember at least.
FORMER Fetus
June 8, 2012 at 1:36 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
AS A CATHOLIC, I have a hard time understanding why Evangelicals get so vexed by the ‘sinning’ of atheists. A new outlook is certainly needed.
It’s about understanding limitations.
Most Evangelicals I know would not be triggered by any ‘wrongdoing’ committed by the mentally retarded, or the mentally handicapped, yet they expect atheists should act like Christians!
Atheists remain hostile to God, they don’t have God’s gift of grace and they likely never will—sure there will be exceptions, but by and large…let your expectations go. Bring to mind what Jesus said regarding pearls and swine. And pre-destination. Atheists mock Christianity because they lack an analytical mind. And grace. They do acknowledge scientific truth, but fail to see other forms of truth.
So, as Christians, we should live out our lives, champion and guard the Faith at all times, at all costs…while working to minimize the inherent damage to any society that an atheistic influence will naturally bring.
Legalized abortion was brought into our society entirely by atheists (Planned Parenthood) and thousands of precious, innocent, babies are denied their lives and murdered, in cold blood, in the most grisly ways…every day, as the direct result of the success of this atheistic dogma. Only an atheist can look you in the eye with utter detachment (from their humanity) and justify infanticide.
Don’t chastise atheists.
Just deconstruct everything they do.
Johnny Vector
June 8, 2012 at 2:04 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
What? What??? Are you telling me…. Really? I had no idea… Are you sure?
CATHOLIC is an acronym?
What does it stand for?
Crazy Aged Theologians Hurling Out Lotsa Incoherent Crap?
Completely Addicted To Honoring Ovum Like Itsa Child?
(the rule of threes says there should be another. I got nothin’)
Azkyroth, Former Growing Toaster Oven
June 8, 2012 at 10:04 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
No, I suppose coffee someone had had sex with wouldn’t be all that appealing.
sambarge
June 9, 2012 at 3:39 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
FMR Fetus,
I appreciate that facts and evidence aren’t a big part of your congnitive processes, but abortion was available and legal before Planned Parenthood. Abortion, as a means of birth control, has a long history.
I won’t even touch on the rest of your post because I don’t care if Catholics don’t like Evangelicals. You’re both wrong and it hardly matters who is “more wrong.” This isn’t the Irrational Olympics. You don’t get the gold.
FORMER Fetus
June 10, 2012 at 7:50 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Actually sambarge…you’re shy of the facts.
Planned Parenthood was around long before abortion was legalized at the national level in the USA.
Some states allowed for abortion in cases of rape, incest or threat to a woman’s health. Planned Parenthood didn’t invent abortion, they just worked through court challenges, leafletting, and talks etc. behind the scenes, to help effect change in then current laws, first challenging contraceptive restrictions, then on to unrestricted national access to abortion, which PP wrongly sees as another form of contraception.
But, Roe is under pressure these days!
Hippy-dippy court justice decisions of the 70s, 80s and 90s are being seen now as polarized and inadequate. Idiots that pronounced judgments based solely on the rights of women in the past, have been replaced by more mature, thoughtful justices who are also acknowledging the rights of the fetus, and (oh, no) even the father of the child!
See, non-Christian Americans may just make it out of that basement yet, and finally join Christians as equal partners in humanity.
Yes, we may have to drag atheists and female-rights cultists kicking and screaming into the 21st Century, but we will. Count on it.
Who said Catholics don’t like Evangelicals? I didn’t. They mean well, but like you, they’re just wrong.
Atheists and Evangelicals have the same shortcomings. Evangelicals are biblical literalists. Atheists are biblical stumblers. Both can’t take passages of the Bible in context. Both also fail at successful integration of seemingly contradictory passages of the Bible.
When atheists or Evangelicals come at me with a passage, I usually ask them one question that is somewhat miraculous in its effect.
“Do you realize there is more than one passage in the Bible?
They never do~
JohnM
June 10, 2012 at 7:50 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Still waiting for context.
JohnM
June 10, 2012 at 7:52 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
And not just any kind of relationship. No, he wants a personal, intimate relationship with everyone.
Subtract Hominem
June 10, 2012 at 9:32 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
…stupid→
Johnny Vector
June 10, 2012 at 9:49 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
So when people point out that the bible is self-contradictory, your response is to point out that it has contradictions?
BRILLIANT!
KG
June 10, 2012 at 12:34 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Ah. Another moron who can’t tell the difference between reality and fairy tales, or a fetus and an infant.
KG
June 10, 2012 at 12:36 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Ah. Another misogynist who thinks women do not merit bodily autonomy. How boring. Of course, if one’s aim were really to minimise abortions, one would favour unlimited access to contraception.
Azkyroth, Former Growing Toaster Oven
June 11, 2012 at 8:54 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
No one has the right to commander someone else’s body, whether to keep themselves alive…
…or for the purpose of reproduction.
If you cannot force someone to donate a kidney, you cannot force someone to donate a uterus.
End. Of. Fucking. Discussion.
Celeste
June 12, 2012 at 3:13 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
I know I’m late to the party, but this…totally this.
Now I want to go read more Kim Harrison.
skeptifem
June 13, 2012 at 9:57 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Saw a lot of this sentiment in Right Wing Women by dworkin (from the right wing women, not andrea obviously).
Illuminata, Genie in the Beer Bottle
June 13, 2012 at 10:28 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
I need a new lung. So, you have to give me one of yours.
Raging Bee
June 13, 2012 at 11:26 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
He’s “all about liberalism,” but he HAS to side with the haters? What a jucking foke.
Rory
June 14, 2012 at 9:18 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Best thing Nathan Fillion’s ever said, or best thing Nathan Fillion will ever say?
EDH
June 15, 2012 at 10:49 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Three things on that: 1) Are you saying that atheists lack the analytical mind that comes from relying on one book for all your answers and listening to a priest? 2) Atheists mock Christianity (the members of) because they (said Christians) lack an analytical mind. 3) Analytical – I do not think that word means what you think it means.
Lets talk about a little bit of truth. Humans created Zeus and his cohorts (not to mention their predecessors) because they needed to explain things they didn’t understand and as a way to keep people in line. More humans altered those gods to create Jupiter and his cohorts because they weren’t Greek and they needed a way to explain things they didn’t understand and keep people in line.
Humans created Odin (Wodin), Freya, Thor, etc. because they needed to explain things they didn’t understand and to keep people in line (nothing like promising an awesome afterlife to heroes of battle to keep your people fighting). Humans created Amun-Ra and his cohorts because they needed a way to explain things they didn’t understand and keep people in line.
The list goes on and on throughout all of Earth’s history of humans creating (and later discarding) their gods. Humans created the one god (in their image no less! It would be weird to have a satyr or some other strange-looking creature as their creator!) to explain things they didn’t understand (How did we get here? Why do we look different? Why do we look the way we do?) and as a way to keep people in line (“These are the rules; follow them or I shall smite you.”) So…what makes your god any different than all the other gods humans have created?
EDH
June 15, 2012 at 10:52 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Captain Jack Harkness – he’ll do anything!
MrPopularSentiment
June 22, 2012 at 5:03 PM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
Why is it uncomfortable having sex with Jesus?
A: Because he’s always trying to come into your heart.
Megan Monroe
August 20, 2012 at 1:00 AM (UTC -7) Link to this comment
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