It’s a homo’s Devil Machine!

Oh, wait. We like that stuff. Never mind, carry on.

(via Mark Allen)

There can be too much of a good thing. If you actually eat Turbaconucken, you’ve got a bacon addiction. Seek help.

And if you ever drink Jones Dungeons & Dragons Spellcasting Soda during your weekly D&D game, you are suffering from hypernerdosis. In fact, you are probably even too nerdy for this blog.

I don’t even want to imagine someone who serves turbaconucken and spellcasting soda as a snack during their regular FRP sessions.

I had no idea that our regular commenter SC had become a “d00d”, but there is a fury of discussion about it going on. I think it’s an unfortunate exercise in chromosomal elitism to be sneering at our transgendered brothers and sisters, or at people who we think are transgendered, or even at homogametic individuals who are peculiarly accused of male privilege.

OK, the last one is kind of funny.

(I know, this post is rather oblique…you’ll have to go digging to trace back the web drama. Or not, if that doesn’t interest you.)

An eccentric Norwegian musician named Varg Vikernes has been updating (a polite word for “making up”) a Norse origins story. It’s nuts, but no crazier than the stuff Ken Ham and Ray Comfort want you to believe (and they, too, have been “updating” a very short metaphor from the Bible to make for a very elaborate story). Here’s Vikernes’ version of the creation:

Our world was created in co-operation between these three proto-forces. Between Múspellheimr (the stars) and Niflheimr (the frozen matter in space) there was Gínungagap (the void). The universe was resting. It was inactive. It was in a state of complete balance.

The universe woke after this rest of Freyr. Óðinn’s force threw the mass out in all directions again. The stars began to melt the frozen matter in space when they met each other, out there in Gínungagap; in the void.

In Múspellheimr, there was the divine bosom, the explosion which gives new life to the universe. In Niflheimr, there was the resting divine thought, frozen. The ice melted and it became active again.

In Ragnarök, the opposite forces cancel each other out until only one force is left standing. Since the gravitational pull is constant, while the explosion only works over a limited time, gravity will always win. It will always, after a period of time, force the mass of universe together again.

The mark of this is the gods’ preparation for Ragnarök. Óðinn has endeavoured to win the battle, even though he knows he will always lose in the end. He will always die, no matter how much force he puts into his explosion – because gravity is constant, while his own power, after some time, will cease to function. That, which is then to come, is the Jotun’s destruction of our world. It is destroyed at that time when the planets and the stars are forced together into one point again. The sky falls down.

But the humans will return yet again. For Líf (the force of life) and Lífþrasi (the will of life) hides in Hoddmímis grove. There, they feed on the dew of the morning. When the universe again explodes, the ice will melt and the force of life will become active once again. No Ragnarök can destroy this treasure of the memory.

The universe is the lung of Tuisto, which rhythmically breathes, in and out. His brain is the thought that becomes frozen at the collapse of the universe. This thought becomes active again, when Tuisto breathes out, and lets Óðinn’s explosion heat it up. Tuisto’s thought then forms and creates a new and living universe.

Tuisto’s thought directs his two round palms. The force of the explosion is in one of them, gravity in the other. One of them is the white hole of the universe, the other the black hole of the universe. With these, Tuisto can move around the celestial bodies, irradiate and increase or decrease them.

At each black hole, there exist so-called naked singularities. Besides these, there exist invisible holes in the universe, which we call wormholes. Here, objects may enter in order to exit at a completely different place in the universe; independent of both time and space. The exits of these holes are what we call white holes. The mass that was dragged towards the black hole (by gravity) hit a wormhole instead; where it bursts out the egress of the white hole with an enormous force.

Black holes will only get more massive, and will only gravitate more and more matter in the universe, until a hole becomes so big that it is capable of absorbing all other mass in the universe. This is where Irminsûl’s role enters, because it is actually Tuisto, the god-pillar in the centre – the high-seat, that is supposed to balance the two other proto-forces. Tuisto’s brain, the thought, can place wormholes inside the black holes, so that they empty in mass faster than they are filled up. Thus the one hand negates the other hand’s actions, which results in balance.

That’s truly absurd and silly, but if ever the creationists get their wish and ‘teach the controversy’ gets enshrined in law somewhere, I think we need to have this story taught to all the children, on equal footing with the Christian myth.

And then I want to see a debate between Comfort and a lunatic in chainmail. Both can use axes, to make it fair.

Uh-oh. This morning, Sydney may have gotten a sign of the Apocalypse: the skies turned red as blood. I don’t know what else it could be, other than the wrath of heaven.

Well, and airborne dust particles.

Which is the more likely, rational, reasonable explanation is left as an exercise for the reader.

It’s hardly news, though: people have been using pages for this purpose since I was a young’un, at least.

Uh, gang? It’s the wee hours of the morning of 22 September in Jerusalem. That means, if you are reading this, you are not one of the elect who was raptured. Oops.

I checked the site that predicted the rapture to see if it had been updated with excuses…and it hadn’t. Obviously, this means the author was raptured! Well, cool!

This does have a down side. We’re about to enter seven years of tribulation. Stock up on firearms, cocaine, and explosives while you can, you’ll be needing them.

There is an up side, though. Have any Christian friends or neighbors? Go knock on their door. If no one answers, they’re in paradise — help yourself to their house, their car, their jewelry, that nice TV in their living room. Traffic on your commute should be a little lighter in the morning. The Republican party has evaporated, and the entire staff of Fox News are gone, and the network will have to shut down.

If you were partying yesterday, keep going!

Everyone: start partying. You don’t have much time left. THE WORLD ENDS TOMORROW.

You might be tempted to go read the evidence on that page, but trust me, there is no time to waste — you really need to get frolicking now, because so little time is left. Besides, if you look at the colors and funny fonts and ugly layout of that page, your eyes will start bleeding and you might experience cerebral hemorrhaging…and do you really want to spend the last day of your life in the emergency room?

OK, you’re all skeptics. You need data. Here it is: proof positive that the Rapture will occur on 21 September 2009.

I tell you, how can you deny that? Math doesn’t lie!

Go! You don’t have much time left.

Oh, no. I just realized — the liquor store in Morris is closed on Sunday! And there’s no porn for sale anywhere in town! And I don’t smoke, and don’t have a clue where to get drugs!

By the way, we really need to check that web page again on 22 September. Remind me.