After a long confinement in a cramped metal tube, the guards stewardesses have finally released me in Melbourne. I’m going to have to figure out what I’m doing next — I think the University of Melbourne Secular Society is going to wrangle me out to a wildlife sanctuary, but I haven’t connected up with them just yet. I’m just sort of savoring the sense of freedom right now, and making fiendish plans.

But the important news is that I’ve survived, mostly. You might want to stay upwind of me, but otherwise I’m feeling pretty good right now.

I just got back from another two hours in The Chair. I had 3 30-40 year old fillings replaced — I have outlived my childhood dental work, which is the sniny way to look at it — and had a wisdom tooth removed.

Never mind me, I’ll just be curled up in the corner, whimpering.

This hasn’t been a good week for me. I was flattened by a cold this weekend, and now I’ve been diagnosed with incipient periodontal gum disease, and just got back from a long, long session with the dental hygienist. I was trapped in a chair for two hours for a painfully thorough cleaning: scraping, plating, grinding, needley poking, an evil machine that produced a high-pitched screaming noise and sharp agony in my gums, more whirring gadgets, strange substances, and the constant taste of blood as the oozing filled my mouth. It was the longest stretch of sustained sadism I’ve experienced in, oh, weeks. I got up from the chair at last, shaking, and wobbled out the door. I’ve been warned that I’m going to feel even worse later today.

Don’t worry, though, I didn’t reveal the secret location of the diamonds, nor did I give away the launch codes.

I’ve got another appointment for Thursday. I might break then.

Next month, I’m going to be attending the Global Atheist Convention in Melbourne, and originally, I had planned to make this a grand tour and was even thinking about a side trip to New Zealand. Plans have changed — one of the consequences of my long journey to California and Ireland, lovely as it was, is that too much travel at once, with all the confinement and awkwardness, is that I’ve wracked up my back rather severely — I’m trying to get some mobility and quiet the shrieking agony right now so I can cope again, but I’m just afraid that another string of non-stop pinioning to airplane seats will end with me in even worse shape.

So I had to squelch the New Zealand detour. Sorry, gang, I’ll try again some other time, and give you my full attention.

Anyway, so here’s the current, greatly reduced and I hope survivable plan. I’ll be in Melbourne from 11-14th of March (or maybe a day or two longer). I’m going to be in Canberra 19-20th of March, where I’ll be getting together with some notorious luminaries of the Australian anti-creationism movement, John Wilkins, Chris Nedin, Jim Foley, and Ian Musgrave. I’ve got some flexibility in my schedule, obviously, but I’m going to moderate my travel…which means I’m going to stay around the southeast part of the country (sorry, Perth and Darwin and Alice Springs). If anyone wants to draft me to give a talk somewhere in that week in that general neighborhood, get in touch with me. I can easily give a bit of talk with amusing anecdotes about those crazy American creationists, like Ken Ham and Ray Comfort.

But be gentle. I’ve got knives in my spine right now, and so I’m not going to go too wild with long distance excursions once I get there.

There’s a serious problem with my post-talk sessions at local bars with attendees: I loosen up and start spilling secrets, and you never know when some sneaky blogger listening in might post them to the Intertubalwebs.

NO, people, I will not show you my butt-crack.

It looks just like Minnesota, with less snow. Anyway, I made it to Cedar Falls, and I’ll remind the locals that I’m babbling tonight at 7 on the UNI campus. See you there!

I left Morris on the 19th of January, and finally, here it is the 8th of February and I finally made it back. Now leave me alone. I get a moment to rest, don’t I? That bottle of Irish whiskey I was given in Galway will help.

OK, moment over. Next up: I get to go the the University of Northern Iowa on Wednesday! Don’t say it, I know I’m insane. Anyway, it’ll be an evo-devo talk in the Maucker Union, Hemisphere Lounge, at 7pm. There won’t be much creationist bashing, but I’ll probably spend a few minutes bashing Jerry Fodor and Massimo Piattelli-Palmarini and Mary Midgley, because they’re morons who are abusing evo-devo in the name of making misguided criticisms of evolution. Everyone expects me to growl and gnash the fangs a bit about something, and I wouldn’t want to disappoint.

Then I get to come home again.

Oh, and one last totally random thing in recollection of my wonderful trip to Ireland. Here’s me receiving an award from the University College Dublin Secular Humanist Society…from Captain Jack Sparrow. How awesome is that?

Actually, that’s David, but if ever he wants to become a pirate, I’ll join his crew.