If alien invaders wanted to take over Earth, the most efficient strategy wouldn’t be to bomb things, or zap them with lasers; it would be to sow the planet with custom viruses that wipe out those pesky humans. To be really effective, they might want to indoctrinate the people psychologically to avoid basic prophylactic measures (this has already become a conspiracy theory). SMBC plays out this notion to its logical conclusion, and postulates that the triumphant survivors of this alien assault would be kindergarten teachers.

I support this conclusion. I think we ought to give all kindergarten and preschool teachers a massive raise, or at least issue biohazard gear to them.

Elon Musk has been keeping a lower profile lately, as the bad news is catching up to all of his businesses. Exploiters gotta exploit, though, so he has been able to open a new business in a domain he knows nothing about: fast food. His Hollywood restaurant is called the Tesla Diner.

It opened on Monday at 4:20pm, and you can tell that that was Elon’s idea. It features a bank of Tesla chargers, and if you order your food from your Tesla, you get priority on your service. I guess you better buy a Tesla so you can get slightly faster delivery of an overpriced burger. I don’t think this will rescue Tesla.

As for the food…

Jake Hook, who runs a Los Angeles-focused “Diner Theory” social media account, had described the Tesla Diner menu to me as “all over the place”, with a combination of “very fast food shlocky” items combined with sandwiches made with “bread from Tartine”, the luxury California bakery. The diner also offers a mix of “own the libs” and “we are the libs” options: on the one hand, “Epic Bacon”, four strips of bacon are served with sauces as a meatfluencer alternative to french fries, and on the other, avocado toast and matcha lattes. There was a kale salad served in a cardboard Cybertruck: welcome to southern California.

I’ll pass. The quick summary is this:

But the billionaire CEO tends to make big promises and not quite fulfill them. That appeared to be true even for a tiny burger joint.

It’s what he does.

I don’t feel like commenting on his death, so I’ll let Andre the Giant speak for me.

Enough said.

I just got invited to join a site for “influencers”, and I’m so enthused. I never imagined that an OnlyFans-like site would send me a personal invitation to participate.

Hi PZ,

I’m reaching out on behalf of Top4Fans, a subscription-based platform that’s a strong alternative to OnlyFans. Our goal is to help you boost your earnings, save time, and benefit from personalized support tailored to your needs.

We’d love to offer you a custom collaboration, with the possibility of a paid partnership, depending on your profile and level of engagement.

I took a look at some examples from their site.

Should I join? Would you pay to subscribe to pictures of my feet or my tushie? I have some doubts.

When I was a kid, I would park myself in my grandmother’s vegetable garden and snarfle my way down the rows, eating the carrots and peas like some gigantic verminous pest. My wife planted peas in our garden just for me, and the first pods were ready for eating.

Mmmmm. Peas. A glorious vegetable.

I think the nearest Little Caesars to me is in St Cloud, about a 2 hour drive away. I think the company must hire people like Hiro Protagonist from Snow Crash to make their pizzas.

OK, that settles it. If I can’t get my relatively minor health problems fixed soon, my backup plan is a lots of alcohol and all kinds of drugs. It worked for Ozzy!

I’m drawing the line at the bat head diet, though. I hope that wasn’t the secret ingredient for longevity.

I’m going mad here. I’ve got limited mobility — I’m supposed to take it easy, but I can limp around, and I’m able to drive, but I have limited access to a car (my wife needs it to go to work), and I’m only good for short walks. That means I’m more or less confined to my house. I get out twice a week to go to the lab because I need to take care of the animals, but otherwise I’m bouncing off the walls.

This weekend that got translated into sitting in my home office and reorganizing. My computers have benefitted, with all the cables getting tidied and accumulated gadgets getting purged and stored away. I am much more efficient at sitting quietly and staying out of mischief, which I am finding frustrating. So I’m fantasizing about escape.

Before getting laid up, I was planning a day trip to Granite Falls, about an hour drive away from me. The route would follow the Minnesota River, and there are parks and wildlife management areas all along the way, that are probably full of spiders. At the end of the drive there’s something called the Fagen Fighters WWII Museum, which looks interesting. The plan was to make frequent stops and hike around, maybe a picnic, that sort of thing…which is off limits right now. I’ve lived here for 25 years and never even knew about this museum! But table that for now.

Another thing I was looking into was our regional creationist group, the Twin Cities Creation Science Association, a dreary, tedious group of Christian weirdos who have found a home in Minnesota. I should probably spend some time dismantling the local nonsense. I did see that the Christian twit, Brian Lauer, is doing a YouTube debate next week — I can spectate that! And maybe add some commentary. Unfortunately, it’s organized by the odious Donny Budinsky, so it’s not going to be particularly informative.

More interestingly, they’re planning a creationist trip to Como Zoo. I love Como Zoo! I could see joining their little group, documenting (not disrupting) their absurdities, and spending a lovely afternoon strolling through a very pretty park. That’s on 19 August, about a month away, so I can hope to be a little more mobile by then. I’m meeting with my orthopedist on Tuesday, so we’ll see what she says about expanding my activities a bit more.

I have high hopes for my doctor’s appointment this week. If she tells me I have to stay off my feet longer, well…my office is going to be incredibly tidy and shiny.