It was a real stem-winder. Finally, a liberal democrat uncloaked himself and spoke the truth.

Slamming his fists on the lectern until his hands began to bleed, Obama proceeded to lay out a “three-point plan of sin and lechery” for his second term. If reelected, the president said, he would begin by banning organized religion entirely—starting with Christianity—and burning all churches to the ground, preferably “with their wretched, Jesus-loving congregants still huddled inside like rats.”

As members of the audience violently tugged at their genitals and howled like sex-starved, atheist wolves, Obama stated that his administration would then seek to make free, taxpayer-funded abortions legal at any stage of pregnancy, even up to one full year after birth, in order to supply his newly created “federal stem-cell harvesting plants” with raw materials.

Oh. Wait. Sorry. Wrong text. That was the secret speech he gave at the Godless Cabal. Here’s the one he gave at the DNC. It was a bit more conciliatory, but it wasn’t bad.

Heh. Nature has published an amusing bit of fiction. If only it were true…I have a long list of creationists from whom all their science ought to be taken.

I’m glad I’m an Apple purist, because all these marvelous iProducts just keep pouring out.

(Advance warning: before you PC/Unix/Whatever fanatics start expressing your outrage in the comments, watch the video. OK?)

You can’t have missed all the new Republican ‘science’ about secretions and juices and fluids that women produce when they are legitimately raped.

Unless you’ve been in a soundproof booth for the past three days (lucky you), you’ve probably heard a lot about this mysterious chemical that women can produce on demand to prevent them from becoming pregnant. For centuries, women have, according to anti-choicers, been able to ward off becoming impregnated by their rapists by emitting this substance during their rape. Despite being a miracle of science and biology, we’ve never known its name.

But now we do: it’s called magic vagina death venom, and you ladies can now buy a bottle to collect it.

I’ve long wondered why I often got dizzy and light-headed and confused around women, but now I understand — it’s because you’re all oozing poisons. I think it’s an excellent first step to be collecting these toxins from your bodies to minimize accidental exposure, but I’ve got to wonder…what are you all planning to do with those little bottles of concentrated vaginal evil?

It’s Apple, it’s cool, my wallet is already half out of my pocket.

IMPORTANT: Hey, how about watching the video before commenting? It’s not what you think. Damn kneejerk Apple haters.