As usual, I’ve been running the projector for the local theater

Last night was the dull horror of Verity, a movie based on a potboiler by Colleen Hoover. It’s had a low level of attendance for the past week, but it does tap into an unusual audience: women’s book clubs. It’s fair that that audience should be served, and Hoover is apparently an extremely successful author, but it’s unfortunate that they are so poorly represented. The movie has a dark and twisty plot that bored me far too quickly, but it’s greatest flaw that its star is…Dakota Johnson. The woman cannot act. She spends the entire movie looking vaguely stunned, just as she does in every movie I’ve ever seen featuring her. Anne Hathaway is also in it, but she spends the first half imitating Johnson by playing a brain-damaged paralyzed accident victim.

We had two ticket-paying attendees last night.

The other movie playing last night was Heart of the Beast. It’s a dog movie. It also features Brad Pitt and an unbelievable plot. Brad is flying a private plane over the Alaskan wilderness with his loyal and brave military dog, when he has a massive heart attack and crashes his plane into a lake, 60 miles from civilization.

He has to dive deep into the frigid lake to salvage his camping supplies. He and the dog then have to hike through rugged terrain, fighting of the occasional grizzly bear and wolf pack, falling into a whitewater stream, breaking his arm, getting gnawed on by wolves, and, like Dakota Johnson, never changing his expression. Did I mention that the inciting incident was a massive heart attack? Rather than going into intensive care, he instead must stoically battle against a savage wilderness with his dog pal. It was a long slog for both Brad Pitt and the audience.

Attendance: 0.

I blame the movie studios. These are dull, formulaic movies that are also poorly marketed. I knew nothing about either before pushing the button to put them on the screen: Verity was dependent on the popularity of a book in a niche market, and Heart of the Beast was a movie about a dog, and that’s all you need to know (not that there was much deeper in it than that).

I think the one bright spot this time of year is the free Saturday matinees, when we show old, familiar spooky movies and make all our profit on popcorn and candy sales — and we also get an audience of appreciative families. Digging up old hits is a more productive use of the theater than showing the poor fare the studios are dumping on us.

And look! Today you can get firetruck rides!