I am resting at home, weak and weary, my knees knackered, because I have been on a quest that sent me staggering all over town. A quest that has ended in failure.
Where it began was the weather, freezing cold, bitter and blustery, conjoined with the fact that my wife labors every night until almost the midnight hour, when she comes home, tired and cold, to fall into bed seeking warmth and rest. I, on the other hand, am already in bed at that hour, and I am well insulated and tending to run hot; I’ve nestled down in snug pocket of sheets, blanket, and quilt, a cozy burrow of comfortable warmth, sleeping contentedly. My wife naturally reaches over to my side of the bed with feet like blocks of ice and fingers like icicles. This is a shocking trauma every night.
I decided to implement an easy, inexpensive solution: a pair of hot water bottles, low-tech and simple. The idea being that they would warm her side of the bed before she got in, she would clutch one to her chilly breast, and rest her frosty toes on the other, sparing me the frosty nightly surprise. Surely, this would be an easy quest!
First I visited the pharmacy on the far side of town. They were pleasant and helpful, and not so helpfully pointed out the shelf where these items were normally available. It is the onset of winter in Minnesota, unsurprisingly, the shelf was empty.
I crossed the street to Dollar Tree, it’s aisles cluttered with boxes and its staff hard at work taking down the Halloween supplies and putting up Christmas decorations. “Already?” I thought, but asked a clerk anyway. They had no idea if they ever had such things.
Disappointed, I trudged up the street to Homestead, a Walmart wanna-be run by a local fundamentalist church. I was reluctant, because I have been in this store before, and it hurts my brain…but at least they weren’t taking down the Halloween displays, because they never put them up in the first place, and their Christmas displays were just the Jesus merchandise they always have on show. They have a housewares section and a pharmacy, so maybe they would serve my needs, even as the constant tinkly worship music battered at my ears, frustrated at my lack of soul. I wandered about, before asking clerk if they had water bottles. “NO!” she exclaimed with outraged confidence, as if she feared I had sinful plans with such a diabolical device.
My last hope was the Ace Hardware store in town, which has an eclectic collection of miscellaneous household gear, but alas, no hot water bottles.
So I have come home, a frustrated failure, and turned to Amazon to order from the wicked Bezos.
They will not arrive until Friday.
I dread tonight, when in the darkness I hear the door open at midnight, and I will lie trembling in bed for the ice queen to slip between the sheets and reach over with Arctic claws to rip down my spine.
Do you have any of those blue gel cold packs? They work in reverse too. Soak them in a pan of hot water to warm them up and then use them as you need.
‘A quest that has ended in failure.’
You always get XP, nonetheless.
(May you level up!)
I tend to use wheat bags – microwave for a minute and don’t have to worry about scalding water.
“Friends call me Snow Miser,
Whatever I touch,
Turns to snow in my clutch.
I’m too much!”
Cheer up…at least your wife comes home to be in bed with you. I’d take any amount of icy hands and feet to have mine near me…
Ah, but did you check for bed warmers to put your coal into? It’s 2025, electric blankets exist! Start it going on her side before you sleep so it’s warmed up when the frigid hands and toes arrive.
Listen to your wise child. They’re not the electric blankets of our youth, an uncontrolled heat source just waiting for poor use or insulation to start a fire.
They’re thermostatically controlled, with a timer, and safety cutoffs. They have dual controls, so that your side doesn’t get warmed while your wife’s side does. Search for heated mattress pad – they go on just like a fitted undersheet, under your usual undersheet.
I’ve had one for five years – they’re great.
You do know that other online retailers still exist, yeah?
We use dinosaur shaped wheat bags. Had to cut them open to replace the wheat and have done it twice more. We used contrasting wool to sew them so can see where to pick them apart for future use. Also washed them when empty.
In a pinch I have used some two-litre soda bottles filled with hot water and wrapped in a teatowel.
I’m in Estonia, so it gets pretty cold here in winters too (being about 10 degrees north of Morris) albeit I guess not USA Midwest cold, thanks to AMOC :)
Mollies should be revived purely to honour Skatje. Always the most fun comments. X-D
Oh ye wretched heretic who spurns the benevolence of Bast – the cat is nature’s hot water bottle!
Perhaps you should consider a sleeping bag until the hot water bottles arrive. Add an electric blanket to your Amazon order. Hot water bottles don’t stay hot for very long.
If you buy anything electric, make sure it doesn’t depend on Bezos’ computers: https://www.theverge.com/news/804289/eight-sleep-smart-bed-aws-outage-overheating-offline
My wife makes rice bags, which are much better than hot water bottles. I’ll explain. The bag is a pillow about 9” x 12”. Sewn on 3 sides, Into which she fills about 3/4 full with uncooked rice, the cheapest available. Then the open end is then sewn shut. To use, the bag it’s heated in the microwave for 3 1/2 to 4 1/2 minutes to the desired temperature. In bed, under the covers a warm rice bag retains heat for several hours. We use them all through winter for that purpose. They’re also good for soothing sore backs or achy knees. I know from experience. A well made rice bag will last for several years after which you toss the old rice and replace it with new.
One thing I forgot. Her rice bags have removable covers so they can be washed when needed. The inner bag filled with rice is just an inexpensive muslin. The cover she makes from fleece. They are quite cozy.
I used to go camping in cold weather. To preheat my sleeping bag I used rocks heated by the campfire.
To hold the rock, I used bags about 12 inches by 12 inches that I had previously sewn out of moving blankets. Moving blankets have a layer of felted wool in the center. You can put a hot rock in the bag and it won’t burn your sleeping bag. Rocks hold their heat for a long time. I used velcro to close the tops of the bags.
Downside, PZ would have to create a campfire in his bag yard.
Pop bottles full of hot water. Socks filled with rice and microwaved. Lots of ways of heating.
We have one of those heated mattress pads that others have suggested.
About an hour before bedtime, my husband turns my side on, but he almost never turns his side on.
He likes to “sleep cool”.
When I slide into bed, my side is warm and cozy. I turn the heating element off then, since our body heat takes over and keeps the bed warm until morning.
Try it!
As a geologist I suggest against heating unknown rocks, unless they’re already there as part of the fire ring. Some rocks will crack and spit. Wear safety goggles if you do.
Down comforters and down mattress pads/featherbeds exist and are incredibly warm within seconds. More useful than electric blankets because they still work when winter storms knock out the power lines. Add a cat and they are warmer still.
I bought both a featherbed and a down comforter for the Better Half’s parents, whose bedroom is always cold in the winter (it was the reason they kept the entire house hot enough to bake bread, no over required). They loved both and it solved the problem of not being warm enough at night.
My cats adored mine and immediately took it over. I don’t know why I thought I was buying it for myself.
All these helpful hints miss the point.
Cold hands.
Freezing cold hands, when one is toasty.
(Takes time for those extremities to warm up, erectric blankie or not)