I’m back home again. It was not a happy trip, but I did learn a few things.
- Viewings are horrible, but my family insists on having them. Ever since I was a child, I’ve been dragged off to unpleasant funerals where the corpse of a loved one is put on display, and they never look like they did when they were alive, so what’s the point? The mortuary did the best they could, but my mother looked like a melting wax mannequin with a spray tan, heavily made up in a way she would never have done in life.
- Being executor of the estate is a lot of work, even when my mother had done all the work of creating a legal will. I still have to bring in hired help to sell off the house, and there’s a stack of papers documenting savings and investments I have to shuffle through. I’m going to have to travel to Seattle again a little later this fall, after the lawyer has sorted through his responsibilities, to do things like close out old bank accounts and move money around.
- At least her heirs seem to be obliging, so far. It helps that it was a small estate, so no one is squabbling over her fortune. There is a little money, though, and I just wish she’d spent it all on herself.
The memorial service was nice, at least. We just gathered old friends and family together and told stories. For instance, I learned that she was always quiet and soft-spoken in school, but one time she and a friend decided to go wild and get high…by buying cokes and adding aspirin. It didn’t work. But I think that’s as crazy as Mom got.- Anyone want to buy a nice little 4-bedroom, 2-bath house on the road to Lake Tapps in Auburn?
PZ, I am sorry for your loss. I’ve been through it myself with both parents and the executor thing IS a pain in the rear. This won’t be helpful to you (unless you set up a trust for yourself and you should!) but it may be helpful for your followers.
Everyone should buy some software and make a revocable living trust and put titles and deeds into it. You should also go to your bank and talk with them about a payable on death clause (I’m sorry I don’t remember the exact words but basically, you sign a card saying who you want the money to go to when you die). I think you can set it up to pay to you revocable living trust.
What’s nice about this is nothing then goes through probate and you don’t have to pay lawyers or courts or anything!
Will are a list of your wishes but don’t have any real legal standing. It can be used for things that don’t have titles or deeds. If you have a will but not a trust, the house and cars, and anything with a deed or title can’t be sold until a judge says you can. Same with the bank accounts.
A trust is like a corporation. It’s a legal entity that can own things but is not a person. For example, your city buys trucks and cars and owns buildings but the mayor doesn’t own them, the city does. The city is a legal entity, but not a person, that can own things.
When someone dies, the person named in the trust as the executor has full control of the things with deeds and titles but doesn’t own them either. But because he/she controls the trust, he/she can sell property or vehicles, etc. without going through the courts (probate).
PZ, please accept my condolences. This losing parents is really, really difficult. My mother died at the end of 2002 and my dad died midsummer of 2006. I’m an only child, so I was the person on tap to help my dad through dealing with the loss of the love of his life, and then I went through double hell dealing with the loss of my very, very beloved dad.
The day my mom died, she’d been in a coma in the hospital for three weeks, with a blood oxygen level of ~70% for most of that time despite a respirator, so she was effectively gone. The doctors said that she either needed more surgical intervention for longer-term life support, or to let her body shut down. Dad chose the latter (which would have been my choice, but I intended to solidly support whatever choice he made). So they took away the life support things, settled her in a room outside the ICU, and we sat with her for a while. But he was very tired, 90 years old, and said we should go home for the night. Dad lived about half an hour away from the hospital. We walked into the house to hear the phone ringing, I answered it, and it was the hospital telling me that Mom had died.
The day my dad died, he was in the hospital and slipping away. That morning the hospitalist called me around 6 AM and said to get to the hospital NOW. I threw on clothes and broke speed laws getting to the hospital, which at the time had VERY inadequate parking and a parking garage under construction. I might have spent 10, maybe 15 minutes trying to park. Dad died while I was parking. Eighteen years later, and I still tear up.
I understand the complexities of dealing with a parent’s death, especially if they’re the last parent and have lots of financial odds and ends that need tying up. May it all go as smoothly as possible.
Thank you for sharing photos of your mom with us, the last few days. That’s been wonderful.
Thank you, Scottmange@1
This is the best explanation of what a trust is that I’ve seen.
Since my husband is retiring this year, we’re currently getting all of our papers and affairs in order.
One of our daughters, who is an executive in the finance and insurance world, keeps babbling about us needing to set up a trust, but she’s not that great at explaining why. It reminds me of her father, a computer science PHD, who has a difficult time explaining computer basics to me. I’ll show your post to him.
I empathise PZ – had to go through the process you describe nearly 20 years ago. Thinking of you.
I am now working on a family history book, a prequel to my recent memoir, and my mother figures largely in that. you might be tempted some time in the future – so make sure you keep documents and photos, even if they just seem like clutter. It all adds to the richness of a portrait.
My condolences, PZ. We’ve been through it with both of our mothers.
It was easier for me, since I was an only child, and it was basically just doing the paperwork to finish out the life of my abuser.
When my mother-in-law died, it rocked our entire family. To me, she had been the Mom that I had always wished for.
Our children loved her dearly, and my husband had been very close to her all of his life. He was her executor, and had quite a difficult time dealing with his three brothers. (The two who are still living are Trump worshipers.)
He has a great attitude. His comment about all of it – “We’ve been in the middle of the sandwich generation, but now we’re the upper crust.”
I agree, viewings seem rather ghoulish anymore. I think they are becoming less common. I know from experience that executing a will is much more complicated that it seems that it should be, but you won’t have trouble selling the house, even in Auburn. Still a seller’s market out here with very little inventory for sale.
“There is a little money, though, and I just wish she’d spent it all on herself.”
P.Z., that comment is just so absolutely right.