The local theater has been running a nominally SF movie for going on two weeks, and I have been tempted. I do love a glossy, shiny science fiction action movie with spaceships and derring-do and all that, but I have resisted, for two reasons.
It’s a Roland Emmerich movie. He’s a hack whose every movie has been an insult to the viewer’s intelligence, and while I can enjoy mindless entertainment, I cannot stomach anything as stupid as the trash he churns out.
It’s called Moonfall. I saw the trailer, and I swear to god, the premise is that the Moon…falls…into the Earth. I’m a mere biologist, but I am educated enough in basic physics to know that the idea is absurd. The whole idea of the movie smacked me hard in the brain, erasing all desire to actually see it.
But then, a third reason to avoid it popped up in my browsing. The Moon falling into the Earth? Ha ha. Do you think that was idiotic enough for Emmerich? No it was not. Here’s more.
When the moon’s orbit is found to be getting closer to Earth, it sets off tidal waves, upsets gravity, and interferes with the atmosphere. The moon is discovered to be an artificial megastructure, rather than an organic body, that is hollow inside, with the Apollo 11 mission having discovered its abnormalities and kept it secret. It transpires that a hostile artificially intelligent nano swarm has been drawing energy from the megastructure’s energy source – a captured white dwarf at its centre – which is the cause of the moon’s destabilization.
A small team including John Bradley’s conspiracy theorist, Halle Berry’s NASA executive, and Patrick Wilson’s disgraced former astronaut, heads inside the moon with the intention of destroying the nano swarm using an EMP device. While there, they discover that the megastructure was built by humanity’s technologically advanced ancestors as a way of conserving life and repopulating after their AI became sentient and intent on destroying them. The trio learns that the moon – and other megastructures like it – was constructed and seeded with their ancestors’ genetic code as a kind of ark designed to seek out new hospitable parts of the universe in which to rebuild life. The nano swarm, we are told, is programmed to seek out organic matter in electronic environments, its primary purpose to seek out humanity and destroy it.
Did I just spoil the movie for you? Too bad. Tough. I’ve done you a favor. You don’t really want to see it anyway, do you? Unfortunately, someone read that script and decided to plop down millions of dollars to actually make it. The only question I have is whether it will out-stupid The Core.
Further spoilers: I haven’t seen it, and haven’t read any other plot summaries, but I predict that at the end our intrepid heroes will stumble across a techno-gimmick that abruptly and completely ends the threat, and everyone lives happily ever after. I don’t need to see it to know that. It’s a Roland Emmerich pile of shit.