Minnesota Man?


Wait, wait, wait — we all know what to expect in a headline beginning “Florida Man”. It’s going to be a story about someone doing something incredibly, unbelievably stupid. It’s a trope.

So what do expect from Minnesota Man?

Apparently it’s grisly murder. Bonus points for stories combining Minnesota man and woodchipper. It’s not fair — the wood chipper murderer was in Connecticut.

OK, this one has no woodchipper, but it does have dismemberment and attempts to hide the body in Lake Superior. Good plan, after all, since

The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down
Of the big lake they called Gitche Gumee
The lake, it is said, never gives up her dead
When the skies of November turn gloomy

Unfortunately, Minnesota Man miscalculated and dumped the body in June, rather than November, and Gitch Gumee gladly up-chucked evidence of the crime.

On July 15, the fisherman met with agents from the Minnesota Bureau of Criminal Apprehension and helped them find the area where he saw West drop the buckets. Authorities found one of the buckets and a tote, according to the complaint.

In the tote, agents discovered a male human torso that appeared to have suffered a bullet wound. Also in the bag was a pair of pants and a casino player’s card belonging to Balsimo.

I just want you to know that Minnesota Man stories are not typical of the residents of this fine state, most of whom have not committed multiple murders with mutilation of the bodies.

Florida Man stories, though, are totally representative.

Comments

  1. Reginald Selkirk says

    He did this on someone else’s boat, insuring that their would be a witness?

  2. davidc1 says

    “The wood chipper murderer was in Connecticut.”
    I thought it was in Fargo .
    Chortle ,chortle . Had a paddle in Lake Superior in August 2005 ,I can die happy now.

  3. birgerjohansson says

    I am just grateful there was no cannibalism and/or necrophilia involved. Using Anton Cigurh as a unit, this killer was a 0,25 Anton.
    A proper chaotic killer would have put the body parts inside a giant wicker man and set fire to it.

  4. billseymour says

    I’m trying to figure out what Gordon Lightfoot’s The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald has to do with dumping the remains of the already dead in the lake.  Is it just that both involved dead people and Lake Superior?

  5. Bruce Fuentes says

    #8
    “The lake, it is said, never gives up her dead”

    But in this case, it did.

  6. Matt G says

    Officer, I honestly don’t know how a human torso got into the duffel bag I dumped into the lake.

  7. Akira MacKenzie says

    Amateur! Always weigh down your body! Always poke holes in the abdomen to prevent bloating. AND NEVER CAST OFF FROM A PUBLIC DOCK!

    What? No! I’ve never killed anyone. However, I’ve played a lot of Delta Green, a RPG where disposing of inconvenient corpses literally have their own rules mechanics.

  8. jrkrideau says

    @ 4 JoeBuddha
    So, no more than one murder, and leave the body intact. Got it.

    Well, don’t try cremation. India may have it down pat but it is surprising hard to cremate a body.

    @ 7 birgerjohansson
    See above.

    For the record I was trying to cremate a racoon that died on my front lawn, scaring me half to death.

  9. Pierce R. Butler says

    Florida Man stories, though, are totally representative.

    And Florida Man Darwin Award stories are utterly archetypal.

  10. rrhain says

    To be fair, part of the reason that you see so many “Florida Person” stories is because of their Sunshine Laws. A reporter who needs a quick story of a sensational crime (be it infamous or ridiculous) can always go to the public records of Florida. Other states have more restrictions on accessing the crime logs.

  11. JimB says

    Anybody else watch Cold Pursuit? With Liam Neeson.

    Nels Coxman: I’m gonna kill him, Brock.
    Brock: Sure you are. What makes you think you can kill a man?
    Nels Coxman: I’ve killed three of his guys.
    Brock: What did you do with the bodies?
    Nels Coxman: Wrapped them in chicken wire, threw them on the gorge.
    Brock: Chicken wire?
    Nels Coxman: Yeah, to let the fish get at them. They’ll eat the flesh off the bones. So the bodies don’t fill with gas and rise. They stay at the bottom.
    Brock: Where did you learn that?
    Nels Coxman: I read it in a crime novel.

  12. Larry says

    Here’s a tip provided by Breaking Bad. Hydrofluoric acid will dissolve a body but use a plastic tub. Never, and I cannot stress this enough, never use a ceramic and metal bath tub!

  13. John Morales says

    “Florida man”, “Minnesota man”.

    One of the few instances where the male pronoun represents the population at large.

  14. Michael Minnig says

    “I’m trying to figure out what Gordon Lightfoot’s The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald has to do with dumping the remains of the already dead in the lake. Is it just that both involved dead people and Lake Superior?”

    If only we could read his mind!

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