We need a paleotheology department to research this

I hate to admit it, but this theory actually makes a kind of sense to me.

Challenging long-held views on the origins of divinity, biologists at the University of California, Berkeley, presented findings Thursday that confirm God, the Almighty Creator of the Universe, evolved from an ancient chimpanzee deity.

The recently discovered sacred ancestor, a divine chimp species scientists have named Pan sanctorum, reportedly gave rise over millions of years to the Lord Our God, Maker of Heaven and Earth.

“Although perhaps not obvious at first glance, there are actually overwhelming similarities between the Supreme Being of today and this early primate deity who preceded Him,” said Dr. Richard Kamen, a leading biologist who also heads Berkeley’s paleotheology department. “The holy chimp moved around on all fours, but its descendants eventually began walking upright to expend less energy while foraging across the infinite reaches of the universe. This of course led to the bipedalism of modern-day God.”


  1. says

    That’s rather odd, to say the least, as human are not descended from chimps, and they are made in God’s image. So no, I don’t find it plausible.

  2. Akira MacKenzie says

    Okay, Mister Smartpants Scientist? If God came from a monkey god, then why are there still monkey gods?

    Checkmate atheists!

  3. consciousness razor says

    The great-ape god was, however, considerably smaller in stature, having not yet developed the capacity to occupy all space and time simultaneously.

    But riddle me this, evilutionists: how could it ever come about, except by some miracle of the meta-god, that one occupies all of space and time simultaneously, hmm? (And what would it mean to occupy different times “simultaneously”?) If omnipresent human-gods came from monkey-gods, why are there still monkey-gods?

  4. consciousness razor says

    I just want to point out that, seen from the right perspective, my comment was earlier than Akira’s.

  5. What a Maroon, living up to the 'nym says


    The development of the concept of gods was closely related to the development of language. Specifically it arose when the first toddler passed through the first “Why?” phase. After the 27th consecutive why, our proto-theologian blurted out “Because god!”, and religion was born.

  6. robro says

    Nemo @ #5 — Of course, theists would laugh at your question. Humans didn’t conceive of god, it was the other way around. No one has answered the when question as far as I know, though it’s surprising how quickly paleontologists and archeologists can jump to the conclusion that an ancient artifact with anything remotely symbolic on it is an expression of ritual and indicative of religious sentiment.

    What a Maroon @ #6 — Having gone through the many “Why? phases and after many more than 27 consecutive why questions, the answer wasn’t “Because god!” but “Because I said so.” I guess that makes me god…

  7. blf says

    Chimps are known for throwing poo. So that’s probably the tithes that are to be paid to the great chimp-shaped sky faerie — a continuous rain of shite.

    Visitors to the temple are encouraged to carry a spare umbrella.

  8. whheydt says

    Re: robro @ #7….
    Just hark back to the classics…go read “Digging the Weans” by Robert Nathan.

  9. davidnangle says

    More likely, the chimp-god intends to improve himself, and he’s running simulations to improve evolution, so he can re-form himself in our vastly-improved image.

    Certainly we’re not the final simulation. The dead end simulations all end up being ruled by some sort of trump. (Pardon my French.)

  10. busterggi says

    blf, that’s why the universe is expanding – it needs to accomodate all that divinely flung poo.

  11. unclefrogy says

    well I be I thought that chimps were Taoists just like cats and dogs.
    uncle frogy

  12. Matrim says

    Then who made the original primordial god, huh? The only logical solution is that an eternal Super-God exists that created all subsequent gods.

  13. blf says

    the universe is expanding […] to accomodate all that divinely flung poo

    Shouldn’t it be contracting? More poo is more mass which is stronger gravity which causes the Universe to go crunch. Or perhaps more likely, squish — yuck!

  14. allanbishop says

    God did not evolve from a chimpanzee god! Everyone knows they both evolved from a common ancestor god…

  15. says

    “… bipedalism of modern-day God….”
    I thought that she was apedal?
    Otherwise why would she have needed to evolve omnipresent ubiquity?