Oh, gosh, I made the Morris North Star!

Fortune and glory surely await me. Although I suspect they only include me because a mention on my blog gives them far more attention than their cheesy alternative campus newspaper would otherwise.

That’s what passes for intelligent discourse on the right. Sadly, all they have to offer is slurs and hate speech. Well, that and highlighting how adorable I can be.


  1. Ogvorbis wants to know: WTF!?!?!?! says

    I suspect that this is what passes for humour for the writers.

    How sad.

  2. James Chappell says

    Maybe the Morris North Star folks should transfer to Liberty “University” – I’m sure they’d be happier there…

  3. tedw says

    Although it is a relatively minor shortcoming, apparently rightwing trolls don’t grasp the concept of meter

  4. Big Boppa says

    I don’t get #8. That guy looks downright grandfatherly. I hope he saved that cute plushie for his new granddude.

  5. Ed Seedhouse says

    Congratulations on becoming the Great Satan, P.Z.
    Bur I’m having trouble reconciling that with the pleasant happy talker in the Youtube videos. Even when you are calling someone an utter idiot complete with foul invective it somehow sounds pleasant. You sure you aren’t from Canada, eh?

  6. says

    Everyone and their tone death fathers can write a parody of twelve days of Christmas. You don’t need to rhyme. You just need to know the order of numbers and count syllables. And just trying to sing it see if the words fit. They couldn’t do that…. Ten lords a leaping Ten foot wall. They’re missing a couple of beats. Also 9 sex harassment. Are they harassing sex? Just try to sing the song with their words. It just doesn’t flow. This is the easiest song in the world to parody. And they couldn’t do it.

  7. says

    That plushie is MINE. It’s still mine. It’s actually right next to me in my home office, and sometimes the cat sleeps on top of it.

  8. woozy says


    And anyone can create a “geez, our opponents are identifiable” name calling list by just listing grievances. …. And they couldn’t do that. So the list of lying professors (do they really think professors lie– why are they *in* school if the believe that?), Femnazi’s, PZ blogging, etc are all supposed to be the liberal weinies. So then: 3 saying Tranny, 2 real genders? That’s *their* view point and they are mixing everything up.

    Not sure how a 10 foot wall, and dumpster fires fit in, but I’m not a UMM student…

  9. emergence says

    There’s a lot to unpack here.

    First, there’s how shallow all of the shit they’re spewing is. It’s nothing but buzzwords and mindless bigotry.

    Second, I can’t believe how shittily put together this paper looks. Apparently none of the staff are majoring in graphic design.

    Third is how selective they’re being about stuff like sexual harrassment and violence. Apparently right-wingers running people over and attacking people with machetes isn’t nearly as worth mentioning as liberal protestors getting into fights. And of course they only mentioned Al Franken and not the deluge of shitheads from Fox News that got fired for doing even worse shit, or assholes like Trump who brag about sexual assault.

    Finally, there’s the sheer hostility towards the college they’re inflicting their rag on. Between mouthing off about “lying” professors and how they “triggered” the campus, I’m with James Chapell in wondering why they even bother attending. It’s like they enrolled at UMM just to fling their shit around.

  10. Bruce Fuentes says

    The social, intellectual and humour development of the vast majority of conservatives seems to stop at 13. To call this sophomoric and juvenile is an insult to sophomores and most juveniles.

  11. anbheal says

    @8 Holytape — my first thoughts exactly. The complete lack of consistency in meter, syntax, and just what the Hell they’re talking about would get a 5th grader downgraded to B- and a 9th grader in English Composition class a failing grade. And they could have saved so much time by just printing a banner headline: We don’t like women, minorities, poor people, or liberals, so you can all fuck off at Christmas.

  12. Vivec says

    Man, this really does just come off as like, edgy 13 year-old “U MAD BRO” “I just discovered internet anonymity and I can say the bad words mommy won’t let me say” invective, which makes it really sad with the knowledge that this was written by college students.

  13. Callinectes says

    How hard is it to rewrite a song so that it rhymes, scans, and makes sense? Experience tells me that it’s easy. Fucking hell.

  14. Moggie says

    Owning the libs by butchering a carol. 3edgy5me, guys.

    University conservatives never seem to change, either side of the Atlantic. This kind of juvenile look-at-me shit was common at my place nearly forty years ago.

  15. jerthebarbarian says

    This is worse than “not rhyming” – this entire thing doesn’t make any goddamn sense. Are these things that the staff writers WANT to have or are these things that they HATE?

    “Angry Leftists” – could go either way. They like making people angry, but they hate leftists.
    “Lying Professors” – I assume that that’s HATE since this is a college paper (if it was an Exxon white paper, maybe not so much)
    “Ft Wall” – I don’t get the reference at all. That must be a local thing?
    “Sex Harassments” – could go either way, actually, but since there’s a pic of Franken there I’ll assume HATE
    “PZ’s blogging” – we’ll go with HATE
    “Antifa protests” – HATE
    “Feminazis” – HATE
    “Hurt Feelings” – they like making people cry. This has to be WANT
    “Dumpsters Burning” – could go either way? I guess?
    “Saying Tranny” – This has to be WANT too.
    “Real Genders” – Also WANT
    “Triggered UMM Campus” – Clearly, WANT.

    So 4 wants, 5 hates, and 3 that could go either way. Are these presents that they want to give to the world or things that they want to go away? There’s no message to this other than “here’s a list of things that we obsess about so much they define our identity” – which is pretty damn sad.

  16. Vivec says

    The “ten foot wall” is presumably attempting to allude to Drumpf’s “The wall just got ten feet higher” sort of invective, without realizing that a ten foot wall is…not really that big at all.

  17. says

    Someone needs to write a serious-looking evo-psych paper about how certain subcultures appear to be selecting for vestigial senses of humor. Hey, the research practically writes itself!

  18. jerthebarbarian says


    Oh Grod – I didn’t even realize it was a “10 Ft. Wall”. And yeah, that makes sense. It’s Trump’s Wall that they’re talking about there.

    So that’s another WANT. 5 wants, 5 hates and 2 that I have no idea. What a mess.

  19. Owlmirror says

    University conservatives never seem to change, either side of the Atlantic. This kind of juvenile look-at-me shit was common at my place nearly forty years ago.

    I was going to mention Neil Gorsuch’s “Fascism Forever Club”, but I just read the Snopes page on the topic, which states that the phrase exists only in the yearbook as a joke, rather than an actual existing club that he founded. So… maybe there’s another example out there, but I don’t know what.

  20. woozy says

    Didn’t realize that was Al Franken. If they are belittling sexual harrassment accusations in the same sense they are belittling lying professors then they shouldn’t choose their Schadenfruede poster-boy (of whom they are *glad* he has accusations).

    The 10 foot wall made no sense at all. I thought it could be trumps wall but even allowing that I thought this was stupid I still couldn’t allow myself to comprehend what a (to them) positive image of national policy would be doing in a comdenation of liberal college culture. And 10 feet isn’t high. So I thought the 10 foot wall might have been a local issue (such as the dumpster fire???) But of course I’m giving too much credit.

  21. woozy says


    I’d say 3 1/2 to 7 1/2. It’s not what the want but what they ridicule. “Aw…. you’re triggered… boo hoo” But 3 (3 what exactly?) saying Tranny, and 2 real genders or of course *them* pushing onto what they ridicule. Trump’s wall, having nothing to do with campus life is just absurd. Sexual harassment is a 1/2 1/2 as they are mocking sexual harrassment claims but then mocking Frankin for having a claim against him.

    Don’t know what a dumpster fire is…

  22. says

    What I don’t get is the mention of PZ. As inconsistent as the rest of them are I can at least see the remnaints of a thought process there, ‘professors lie’ ‘i say this offensive thing tee-hee’ but 8 is just… PZ blogging. Are they… are they offended by the fact you blog? Were they afraid of offending you?

  23. blf says

    On the 10 Ft. Wall — well, they couldn’t say “10 metre wall” very easily, since it uses surrender monkey commie lying perfressor forrin blah blah blah measurements.

  24. Azkyroth, B*Cos[F(u)]==Y says

    Although it is a relatively minor shortcoming, apparently rightwing trolls don’t grasp the concept of meter

    Of course they don’t – meters is furrin!

  25. nomadiq says

    No one is more hurt and triggered than a conservative hearing the ‘shocking’ statement that gender isn’t binary.

  26. rietpluim says

    Why does Morris have its own North Star? Our North Star isn’t good enough for you?

    nomadiq Ah yes, but real gender…

  27. birgerjohansson says

    When GROTUS (groper of the US) wins the war on Christmas there will be many more days.

  28. lumipuna says

    10 feet is actually the length of a wall that can be built with currently secured funding, which consists of one “Put Another Brick In The Wall” crowdfunding campaign. Building that segment will be a completely useless waste of money, and therefore all the more objectionable to the liberals.

  29. birgerjohansson says

    Blf, they could have said ” ten cubith wall”, but they neglected to include a fundie -fluent in Biblical terns- among their number. This is the only occasion I can recall when a fundamentalist actually would have brought up the intellectual level a notch.

  30. birgerjohansson says

    To show how easy it is to get the syllables right I will substitute a few verses.
    And substitute anti-semitism for transphobia (as both are vile but one more easily fits the song)
    12 angry traitors
    11 lying libruls
    A 10 cubith wall
    7 angry darkies (I hope they would not use the *other* word)
    5 upset feelings
    3 Jews a-plotting*
    2 correct genders
    And a triggered UMM crowd
    – – – – –
    ( *Not all extreme-right kooks hate jews, but there are so many anti-semites I feel confident some of them are present at UMM)
    It would have been even easier If I had used even cruder words but I don’ t want to inspire them.

  31. Azkyroth, B*Cos[F(u)]==Y says

    nomadiq Ah yes, but real gender…

    Well, Repigfuckers can’t really deal with anything complex

  32. birgerjohansson says

    Nordsterne forgot to shoehorn some muslims and arabs into the song, nor did they reference anti-war activists. FAIL.

  33. woozy says

    I was wondering how a gerund like “P.Z.’s blogging” could be quantified as 8. But then I realized that they meant there were eight P.Z.es that were each blogging. So now I wonder how P.Z. replicated himself at least seven times.

    I still wonder 3 what saying “Tranny”. (I’m not sure why the accompanying image of a word balloon simply saying “Tranny” amuses me as much as it does; but it does.)

  34. blf says

    birgerjohansson@35, “…fluent in Biblical terns…”.
    It would be even more amusing if they had mentioned babbical terns; e.g., a 10 tern wall. (How many coconuts…?)

    Whilst checking that terns aren’t mentioned as such in teh holely dribblings, I did find a site / video (which I won’t link to) which seems to be claiming that because the Arctic tern does an annual roundtrip migration of up to 90,000km, that somehow proves all of those dribblings are correct. (Or something like that, it made about as much sense as the “song” in the OP.)

    Amusingly, if the wall was built to a height of ten terns arranged vertically (that is, beak-down & tail-up (or visa-versa)), I estimate the wall would be roughly 3 metres high, or about the 10 Ft.

  35. woozy says

    Oh, I get it! They aren’t actually quantifying anything. Then are just making an enumerated list! There aren’t 12 Angry Lefties. Angry Lefties (of an unspecified quantity) is number 12 on the list, and P.Z.’s blogging (once again a gerund) is at number 8, and the act of saying things is number 3. …

    But then “foot wall” is actually a quantification. So they are not being consistent.

    Sometime I wonder what it must be like not to be obsessive compulsive and to be able to see a list that is inconsistent and not have it drive you nuts all day. Then again I suppose I might as well wonder what it is like to be unfathomably stupid or to have no compassion to other humans. I’m not, they are and inconsistant list drive me nuts. I guess that’s just how it is.

  36. EnlightenmentLiberal says

    Anyone figure out what “dumpsters burning” refers to? I’m deathly curious.

  37. woozy says


    Apparently “Dumpster Fire” is a phrase that every one who uses assumes every one else knows what it means. (So far as I can tell it seems to mean someone or something that was incompetent.)



  38. Vivec says

    The “three saying tranny” is a reference to the recent hubbub over the North Star’s abortive student radio station, where the three hosts were kicked out of the radio station for saying the word “tranny” on-air.

  39. EnlightenmentLiberal says

    To woozy
    Thanks, but I know the meaning of the generic term “dumpster fire”. As you said, it is used as a pejorative to describe an significant accident or mistake, or to describe someone who is grossly incompetent. I’m wondering if anyone knows why it’s on this particular list, and if there’s any further meaning.

  40. woozy says

    I thought there might be have been a dumpster set on fire in a student protest. But I couldn’t find anything.

    @45. So … they couldn’t think of a noun for Three *what* saying “Tranny”? And now we are back to why are there 8 P.Z.es blogging. Or is it 8 of P.Z.’s posts? Or … what.

    And they honestly can’t tell the difference between a list of grievences the triggered campus represent (12,11, 9/2, 8,7,6,5,1) and a list of actions *causing* the trigger (10,9/2,3,2)?

    Dang, they are just not that smart.

  41. kagy says

    Had a recent conversation with someone about internet presence, privacy, etc and how Gen Z has no idea how horrifying it is to, 10 years of growth later, see a picture/post/whatever on the internet of “dumb younger you”. Whether you were ashamedly drunk, absurdly vitriolic or arrogant, or even doing something inappropriate in jest that can be taken waaaaay out of context (think Jackass). You’d think if you were going to aspire to be a Right Winger and complain about all these politicians’ history being dragged up, you wouldn’t put your name on something so… um, this. Especially this poorly done. But maybe that’s his (her?Tayler?) “out”, that their “heart just wasn’t in it” or it would’ve been better…

    Good luck TAYLER JAMES LEHMANN. Congratulations, you are now googleable. And likely forever doomed in normal politics, normal professions, and probably loving relationships if you weren’t already.

    Thank jebus I was quiet in college.

  42. efogoto says

    “Does it bother them that their work is causing international derisive laughter?”

    Probably not. Even if they understood what “derisive” means, it wouldn’t detract from the warm glow gained by merely being noticed.