Only one problem?

I want to know what is whistling about in a certain orange tyrant’s head. He doesn’t seem to have a good grasp of history at all.

Napoleon finished a little bit bad, the president began. His one problem is he didn’t go to Russia that night because he had extracurricular activities, and they froze to death.

“that night”…what night? Napoleon’s Russian campaign was a 6 month slog with multiple battles, concluding with the loss of about half a million men.

What “night”? What “extracurricular activities”? Inquiring minds want to know.


  1. says

    Napoleon used to like to have Russian girls pee on him. He set fire to Moscow because of an electrical short at the hotel where he was staying. Napoleon flew in on “Empire One” from Mar a Lago, of course. The men had to walk but #MFGAG!

  2. says

    I’ll shut up now, but: Napoleon liked to keep his hand in the front of his tunic because he didn’t want to make everyone cry when they saw how big his hands were.

  3. What a Maroon, living up to the 'nym says

    Napoleon was trying to repeal and replace the Russian Empire, but he was defeated by ABBA.

  4. woozy says

    I took it to mean starving to death was the extra-curricular activity. He prefers people who don’t choose to starve to death just like he prefers soldiers who don’t get captured.

  5. ospalh says

    Napoleon finished bad(ly)? The Hundred Days weren’t the Russian campaign.
    Dying aged 51, probably from cancer, wasn’t that uncommon in the early 19th century. And looking at what Trump and the Republicans have planned may become more common again in the USA some time soon.

  6. blf says

    Hair furor is babbling about Our Leader, Comrade Napoleon, Father of All Animals, Terror of Mankind, Protector of the Sheep-fold, Ducklings’ Friend (Animal Farm), and Mr Frederick’s swindal / betrayal and invasion; but, if course, confusing who did what when…

    Alternatively, he’s babbling about what Macron and Putin recently told him; but, if course, confusing who did what when…

    Alternatively, both of the above; e.g., Comrade Napoleon wanted to invade tsar Frederick’s farm but was never got around to doing so in order to visit backstage at Adolf’s aryan beauty pageant. Meanwhile, the waiting frogs not scooped up and served at the pageant’s banquet froze to death.

  7. consciousness razor says

    It was that one night when the covfefe was rigged by the emails. That’s the real problem the fake news won’t talk about.

  8. Saganite, a haunter of demons says

    Silly PZ, expecting anything more than vague bullshitting out of Trump…

  9. consciousness razor says

    Of course, the PC left whiners lie about how there was more to it than that. There was more to it than that. There was also the fake birth certificate and Benghazi. But my best historians tell me it was mostly the covfefe.

  10. Larry says

    Extracurricular activities?

    What, he had band or choir practice or maybe the debate club was meeting that day?

  11. Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden says

    @What A Maroon, #5:

    I can’t believe no one has yet informed you of the brand new Internetz you have won! Well, this way it’s my privilege to inform you that the statement

    Napoleon was trying to repeal and replace the Russian Empire, but he was defeated by ABBA.

    has been awarded the Steven Wright memorial prize for short-form, intellectually provocative humor of the DaDa form.

  12. lumipuna says

    It was last night in Russia, the same night when there was also a chronic immigrant crime problem in Sweden.

  13. keithb says

    I just scored a free copy of Tufte’s “The Visual Display of Quantitative Information” and “Visual Explanations”!

  14. psychomath says

    Dear Penthouse Forum,

    I never thought it would happen to me, even though I am the Emperor of France (I crowned myself, it was huge, the Pope was there but, y’know, L’etat C’est MOI!), so, believe me, I was making France great again! I remember Josephine, who is my wife, who is very beautiful — her breasts, my God, perfect — anyway, my wife wants some caviar for the big dinner we are doing, and this dinner is just going to be huge, everyone there, all the big people, and so I need caviar. A lot of people don’t know this, but the best caviar is from Russia! Surprising to most people, but believe me I know caviar.

    Some people — low energy people — would just send someone to Russia for caviar, but the fact is when you go crawling to Russia for caviar they laugh at you! They think you’re weak asking for caviar all the time, even though, and a lot of people don’t know this, but the Russian caviar is the best. Fish eggs, but still, you get it well-done with a little ketchup on top and it really is very good.

    So, when I go to make a deal for caviar, a big deal that will make me and everyone else a lot of money, believe me, I bring my entire army. Huge army. Horses like you wouldn’t believe, cannons, all these men. Strong French men. Maybe a few Austrians too, because I love all the people of Europe. A lot of people don’t know this, but Russia is quite a ways from France. Took a while. Anyway, I arrive in Russia and am commanding battles, huge battles every couple of days, and we win every battle. Beautiful, you just wouldn’t believe it.

    Then, on the last day, last battle, and no one knew warfare could be so complicated, no one woke me up for the last battle. I only sleep two or three hours a night, but those damn Russians want to fight just then. Anyway, there were some problems, but I fix it all and decide I don’t really need the caviar. I taught those Russians not to laugh at me, and went home.

    Also pee hookers. Pee hookers like you wouldn’t believe.

  15. davidc1 says

    I did read somewhere that Napoleon lost at Waterloo because he was suffering an attack of the Farmers ,Farmer Giles =Piles .
    I can’t wait until the snatch snatcher gives us his take on WW2 ,what a treat that will be.

  16. obscure1 says

    It seems as if Donny-Boy is trying to impress his followers by using a multi-syllabic word (extracurricular) instead of his usual monosyllabic drivel. At least he put a leash on the Langley Mob. Supposedly, the agency will cease arming the anti-Assad opposition. A tiny step in the right direction?