Also, you probably can’t masturbate when your hand is on fire


Sorry, this almost made me choke while I was proctoring an exam. Bad twitter. Don’t distract me with funny images while I’m reading.

hands

Well, what if God is helping?

Comments

  1. Becca Stareyes says

    You also can’t hold hands with anyone while cradling a newborn, removing cookies from the oven, or playing a violin concerto.

    (Also, isn’t this a job that doesn’t necessarily need two hands? That leaves one for holding hands.)

  2. throwaway, never proofreads, every post a gamble says

    That’s because he’s got both fists in my ass.

  3. UnknownEric the Apostate says

    “Holding hands with god” sounds like it should be a euphemism for masturbating, actually.

  4. says

    And, in a more professional response, there are a lot of artifacts round the type that would suggest a rather amateurish session playing with his Photoshop.
    And the edge of the black area looks a bit wanky too!

  5. sciamannata says

    Proctology also seems inadvisable while your hand is on fire. (I think “proctor” is one of the funniest academic descriptors available. Ok, i’m 13, so sue me…)

  6. rodw says

    Eric said:

    “Holding hands with god” sounds like it should be a euphemism for masturbating, actually.

    I think you’re on to something there, but I’d modify it to “holding hands with Thor”

    Anyway, getting back to the original sign, isnt it obvious that you could hold hands with God with one hand while you masterbated with the other? That would probably annoy the hell out of God but still…………Come to think of it the sign actually implies that such Theophiles would get to heaven

  7. Jeff K says

    Never have understood people who obsess over personal private behavior.

    95 percent of men admitted to masturbating. The other five percent were lying.

  8. gog says

    I only need one hand to masturbate. I could hold God’s hand with the free one, but how will I move my mouse pointer to the porn that’s opening my mind and body to be possessed by one of Satan’s demons?

  9. davidnangle says

    Jeff K @ #19, 95% of men admit masturbating… the other 5% were too busy masturbating to answer the question.

  10. says

    gog @20:

    I only need one hand to masturbate. I could hold God’s hand with the free one, but how will I move my mouse pointer to the porn that’s opening my mind and body to be possessed by one of Satan’s demons?

    I no longer had this problem once I gave those demons my soul in exchange for telekinesis.

  11. Deacon Duncan says

    “But if they cannot exercise self control, let them marry, for it is better to marry than to burn.”
    — 1 Corinthians 7:9

  12. Trebuchet says

    @10: Thanks for the link! The RW page actually points out that PZ has previously been taken in by one of their fakes!

  13. says

    @21 sirbedevere
    ‘I think you mean “wonky”, not “wanky”. Oh, wait…’
     
    I’m glad you saw what I did there, and don’t call me ‘Shirley’ ‘Jessica’

  14. says

    I wish I’d kept the clip, but a few months ago I was listening to a Catholic radio call-in show called “Go Ask Your Father” when an elderly woman called in to explain how she explained the Catholic Mass to her young grandson.

    She said she had told him, “When you take the communion wafer, you are putting Jesus in your mouth.”

    I almost drove off the road.

  15. lorn says

    Hmmm … the writer must be unaware of human anatomy ( from another planet?), most of us have two hands. Rare is the person who really needs both hands to get the job done.

  16. PaulBC says

    tacitus #31

    an elderly woman called in to explain how she explained the Catholic Mass to her young grandson.

    Clearly from a more innocent generation. Have you ever tried reading the ending of Amelia Bedelia to a small child:
    https://books.google.com/books?id=QLbhO9TqC24C&pg=PA242#v=onepage&q&f=false

    Finally, for all the creative ideas offered around here, wouldn’t frotteurism with an inanimate object be the obvious solution? Particularly if your hand was on fire.

  17. Dave, ex-Kwisatz Haderach says

    Well I for one am thrilled that the makers of this sign were willing to step up and challenge the overwhelming right-hand privilege. A giant flaming high five for all the lefty masturbators out there!

  18. Trebuchet says

    @40: Don’t get ahead of yourself. The left hand is on fire. The right is still busy.

  19. coffeehound says

    In my professional opinion there’s nothing here that a little Valtrex won’t fix. You can’t see the vesicles for the flames . Just saying.

  20. rq says

    God himself (@TheTweetOfGod) said, Yes you can. Why do you think I gave you two hands? Idiots. (I paraphrase, but god on twitter is full of very wise words.)

    Trebuchet @41
    That’s because the left one is already touching god. Or, wait… how does that work again?

  21. anym says

    Isn’t the notion of an ‘obvious Poe’ a contradiction in terms? Because if you can distinguish between parody and victim, then Poe’s law doesn’t apply, right?

    #17, rodw

    I think you’re on to something there, but I’d modify it to “holding hands with Thor”

    Additional lubricant may help prevent thorness.

    #20, gog

    I could hold God’s hand with the free one, but how will I move my mouse pointer to the porn that’s opening my mind and body to be possessed by one of Satan’s demons?

    One of the earliest useful uses of javascript I recall was an automatic page scroller with adjustable speed, conveniently embedded into the content pages of a site that served written porn. Sounds like the solution to your problem, right there.

  22. Ichthyic says

    A giant flaming high five for all the lefty masturbators out there!

    what happens if you get left hangin’?

  23. Ichthyic says

    funny, I thought the idea was that you could start fires by rubbing two sticks together…

    now I find out you can start fires by only rubbing one stick.

  24. azhael says

    Also, you probably can’t masturbate when your hand is on fire

    You are greatly underestimating how far a teenager is willing to go….

  25. says

    An aggrieved wing of Tantric Buddhists are heading to the offices of whoever it was that published that. By knowing far too much about breathing techniques and generally making everyone in that office feel a bit uncomfortable about the oversharing of personal information, they will be avenged! Vamachara!!!

    In the aftermath of such events, Sting will be forced to apologise on their behalf.

  26. Alain Van der Eycken says

    And if you _could_ masturbate with your hand on fire, you’d probably end up starting a bush fire !