It’s Paul Nelson Day, the yearly event in which we make ludicrous pseudo-scientific claims and promise to back them up tomorrow, as celebrated last year.
Nelson, some of you may recall, is a creationist who made up this wacky claim of “Ontogenetic Depth”, saying he had a way of objectively measuring the complexity of the developmental process in organisms with a number that described the distance from egg to adult. Unfortunately, he forgot to tell us how one calculated this number, or how it actually accounted for the complexity of a network, or even how we’d get a number that was different for a sponge and a cat. But he did say he’d get back to us with the details tomorrow…six years ago.
We’ll keep waiting. We’ll also keep making accurate predictions. Last year I predicted that we’d still be waiting in 2010, and look! We are!
I’ve put on a turban, closed my eyes, and am waving my hands over a crystal ball, and predict…we’ll still be waiting in 2011. Check back next year and let’s see if I’m right!
He obviously meant ‘tomorrow’ as a metaphor for how some interpret days to have passed in the bible.
Therefore, you can expect him to present his argument in approximately the next eon.
“AH! After 10,000 years I have an answer! It’s time to conquer evolution!”
http://www.makeyourownpheromones.com/
Imma reverse engineer this thing and get back to you, probably some time tomorrow.
Just think, Paul Nelson only has to keep it up for two more Paul Nelson Days as we’re all going to die in 2012 when the world ends.
And I have the proof!!
However I’ll have to show you tomorrow because I’m very busy.
Okay. I was wondering what raised this clown over and above the usual crop of whack-a-loons that appear constantly in the Internet. I like the “forthcoming” in scare quotes. That’s a serious symptom of chronic woo contamination, causing a bad case of Crap-I-don’t-really-know-what-I’m-talking-about-maybe-everyone-will-forget-all-about-this-should-have-stuck-to-preaching-to-the-choir.
How nice that creationists are consistant about something!
I have to share my revolutionary new insight: I have discovered that New Zealand does not exist. It’s a fiction invented by the Liberal Elite Communist Conspiracy in order to undermine True American&trade conservative values by promoting the abuse of sheep, or, perhaps, to fill in an embarrassing blank space on the map. All the people who claim to have come from New Zealand are, in fact, agents of the Cuban intelligence services planted to cover up the conspiracy.
I’ll get back to you tomorrow with the evidence.
Oh, and me and my friend finished a Duke Nukem: Forever clone. We are gonna release it tomorrow.
All the people who claim to have come from New Zealand are, in fact, agents of the Cuban intelligence services planted to cover up the conspiracy.
…!
It all makes sense now!
They doubted Fermat, who also didn’t have the time (or perhaps the margin space) to expand on his evidence.
Looking forward (as always) to tomorrow…
Note to self: Should do something about that name.
The creationists and idiot designers are very consistent. The calculations and data are always in their hands, and the publication of such calculations and data is never even “in press”. Must be a character flaw put in by Jebus…
I’ve discovered that Sleazy PZ and Pope Ratzy are the same woman, whose real name is Maggie. I’m sorry if the Trophy Wife is disturbed by this revelation. I’ll be back with overwhelming evidence tomorrow.
Waiting until 2011? Pffff. You with your moderate predictions. I can say with some confidence that 2012 will be long gone before we hear what Paul Nelson promised to deliver, lo, these six years ago.
Louis
@Walton
“It’s a fiction invented by the Liberal Elite Communist Conspiracy…”
This is completely unfounded. Being that I am a member of the Liberal Elite Communist Conspiracy Agenda Commity, I must tell you that you’re barking up the wrong tree. It is the Liberal Elite Lesbian Communist Conspiracy (LELCC), not to be confused with the Elite Liberal Lesbian Communist Conspiracty (ELLCC). Which are both completely different than the off-shoot group, the Liberal Lesbian Elite Communist Conspiracy (LLECC).
I just didn’t want you looking for evidence where there is none, but rather, where there might be some. I’ll get you a full document of our, LECC, agenda tomorrow.
I’ve put on a turban, closed my eyes, and am waving my hands over a crystal ball, and predict…we’ll still be waiting in 2011
You’ll want to be careful about that sort of thing if you ever appear on Saudi television.
I’ve discovered that Sleazy PZ and Pope Ratzy are the same woman, whose real name is Maggie.
Don’t forget that she shot Mr. Burns either.
Really sickening day.
Goats on fire!!
I have to admit, Walton did come up with a pretty good one. :-) Even if he does apparently buy into the whole “Southern Hemisphere” myth, doubting only New Zealand. I mean, come on, Australia? How could anyone believe such a place really exists? Kangaroos, platypuses, and the rest of the bizarre “animals” on that so-called “continent”? Clearly the result of drunken biologists trying to outdo each other on making up bizarre imaginary animals.
Heck, my crystal ball works better:
I predict we’ll still be waiting in [2010 + n], where n is any positive integer.
Not to mention Australians.
How could anything so incredibly strange actually exist?
Have you heard what they’re supposed to sound like?
That’s some hilarious story telling right there.
Kangaroos, platypuses, and the rest of the bizarre “animals” on that so-called “continent”?
Why, it must be a story invented by the libruls to hide the crocoducks of course!
I agree with all those that disbelieve in the existence of Australia.
It is definitely a non-believable country.
Believe me, I’ve lived here for just over five years and I don’t believe in it, either.
I am sure it is just a bizarre dream and I shall shortly wake up safely at home in Ireland, it will still be 2004 and none of this will have happened.
I shall prove it tomorrow.
I have serendipitously discovered the most astounding proof that no matter how far you extend microprocrastination, it can never become macroprocrastination. And I will reveal this proof…
ma
How soon people forget our generous hospitality.
Any more of this Australia bashing and I’m going to demand you return all the beer you drank during the GAC.
What’s that? You already did? It’s where!? Eww.. well I don’t want it now..
I have compelling evidence that Sarah Palin, Dubia and Ombama are all members of a radical leftist splinter group of the John Dillinger died for you society.
The trio hopes to rule america towards a leftist union with Canada. Plans to clone Engels as the new leader are also underway.
All will be proven tomorrow as I release the secret Illuminati files on “operation teabag”.
I predict that someday a former asshat will show up here and admit that they were wrong.
I’m not good at these things, my dowsing rod is broken or something.
I’ve mostly been lurking for a couple of years so it may have already happened. Has it?
Paul Nelson knows that in the long game, he will win. He has a power on his side that is far greater than PZ Myers. A power far greater than Evolution. Greater, even, than Evil Genie Scott and the NCSE.
That power is prayer. Paul Nelson knows that in God’s time, all prayers are answered. Every morning, and every night, Paul Nelson bows his head in fervent prayer, asking God for an answer. He knows one day it will come. God will wait for the right moment, when the unsuspecting Evolution Conspiracy is most vulnerable, most sure of itself, most supremely overconfident. On that great day, though it may be only hours before the Savior himself returns, God will take up his most faithful tool, and strike.
@ llewelly
Yeah, I’ll give you 20:1 odds that never happens.
Want to know where to send your money?
All I can say is “Mission Accomplished”
Splitters.
I have proof that Jim Carey and Jenny McCarthy have actually cured autism and that vaccines are the root cause of all existing cases of autism.
However, because they have announced they are splitting up I will have to reveal this amazing evidence
tomorrow.
@llewelly: God said he’ll get back to him tomorrow.
I have finally, after almost a whole day of work, found conclusive evidence that tomorrow doesn’t exist. All our memories of earlier days are false. Nothing ever changes – we just relive this day over and over again.
I’ll finish typing up the evidence for this and present it to you tomorrow.
I also have a highly scientific theory that tells me that if Most Holistic Prophet Graeme Bird would read any of the wild claims written in this thread (especially the part about Obama, Palin and Bush being in a radical leftist splinter group together) he would instantly believe it. As long as it was written somewhere other than here, of course.
#20:
I predict that, on at least one occasion in the coming year, you’ll criticise another poster for hatin’ on Southerners.
Here is a letter I rec’d recently here at ScooterBilt Foundation Ministries.
Don, magic is transacted via non-existent invisible forces.
Miracles are the result of transcendental invisible forces.
It is difficult to distinguish between the two, especially while bound by artificial constraints such as the so-called scientific method.
However, it has been found that people of faith, in double-blind studies, can correctly differentiate between miracles and magic as often as 50% of the time, and this has been proven over and over.
It is the atheist’s worst banana.
I’ll get the abstracts from the peer reviewed journals where you can look into these studies more carefully by tomorrow.
Hope this helps, and keep up the good work.
Rev Scooter
Steve @ 23
GOOD one !!
Into my quote folder.
This should become an Internet tradition everyone should be aware of…
The people claiming the nonexistence of major land masses are barking up the wrong tree. The reality is that there is a major continent that the Global Conspiracy has kept hidden. That’s right, Atlantis is real. Of course, they deliberately gave it that name as part of the gambit to keep it hidden – you see, Atlantis is in the middle of the Pacific. I’m just working on getting the original satellite photos (not the doctored versions you’ve all seen) and the sworn statements of three astronauts.
I’ll put them here tomorrow.
your point?
Whoops submit too soon
And will you be presenting evidence for this right now?
or later?
But Mr. Nelson, how can humans be the pinnacle of The IDer’s creation if there are FERNS + SALAMANDERS ???? Why does tomorrow never come? :`(
Nelson has kissed the spider woman. I didn’t realise he had that good taste.
I too have made a discovery! It turns out that the Big Bang was actually an explosion in space-time with all of the antimatter traveling backward and the matter traveling forward in time. This means that our alleged existence is entirely due to the equation 0 = 1 – 1, with us proudly claiming the positive term (why? because fuck negative time. that’s why).
I call this the SFAT (Sweet Fuck All Theory), because it implies that over the course of all time and space, the universe contains, on average, precisely fuck all.
I will post my proof tomorrow.
Hang on, we’re expecting an accurate time estimate from a guy who thinks the universe is 6,000 years old?
Ah, you’re good, Professor Myers, but you’re no Swami Ginmayananda.
Happy monkey!
I have produced the elusive Higgs boson in my home lab. Full details available tomorrow.
Don’t know how many times I’ve been told the paper that proves homeopathy works is in press in The Lancet/NEMJ
I’m still waiting ….
One of the nice things that Paul Nelson has on his side is the minor issue that tomorrow never comes.
It’s never tomorrow. It’s always today. See George Carlin.
My background in social research has led me to a calculation for Palimpsestic Dispersion (denoted as uppercase pi) on the internets. I would publish my work, but I can’t get maths symbols embedded in this damn blog thingy. (I say “maths” because pretending to be British is a legitimate rhetorical tool, as everyone knows.)
My wife and I also found proof that Stephen King and Garrison Keillor are the same person. Also.
You idiots,
He said tomorrow. As in the day after today, in God days, which as I understand, is about 2 billion years.
Yeah… in fact, we don’t know yet whether Paul Nelson has fulfilled his promise.
You see, Paul Nelson doesn’t measure time in the fancy-schmancy “years, months and days” that those pointy-headed librul inteleckshuals use. Oh no. He uses Real Christian&trade True Biblical Days of Creation. So whereas, the age of the Earth, to us pointy-headed librul types, is 4.54 billion years, to him it’s only 6,014 years.
By my calculations, this means that for every True Biblical day as used by Paul Nelson, 754,905 days pass on the librul elitist secular calendar. So he’s got more than 2,060 years left before the deadline arrives. Of course, Real Christians like Paul Nelson know that Christ will return to earth in a blaze of glory long before then (though, admittedly, they were saying the same thing 2,000 years ago, and he seems to be taking his time).
#39:
Chain-yanking, on behalf of Australians, more Southern that which not many people are. Ugh, it’ll probably take me until tomorrow to think of a more poorly-constructed sentence than that.
Hehehe
Yeah had a follow up to my post because it looked overly grumpy
Christ has returned on several occasions; on each one, he has been derided as a loony and/or locked up.
Proof of this will be in the next postal delivery.
Wow, tomorrow is gonna be a big day in the world of science, so many new discoveries are due for release. I was going to release my new evidence of how the spaghetti monster is the ultimate super-god that controls all the other gods with his spaghetti tenticles, but that will now have to wait till the day after Paul Nelsons proof is given so it makes a suitable impact.
James F and Walton,
To correct you on behalf of Paul Nelson, who gets unutterably pissy on the subject, Paul Nelson does not believe the earth is ~6000 years old despite happily self describing as a Young Earth Creationist. In fact he usually refuses to answer the question on how old he thinks the earth is.
His continual pissiness and utter inability to answer the fucking question on the subject in no way marks him out as a pointless, disingenuous creationist douchebag who is useful only as a cheap paper weight. And even then he usually moves at inopportune moments, the complete turdbox.
Take for example this lovely exchange at Sandwalk. Paul Nelson is quite literally nanoseconds of fun when it comes to rational discourse.
Not that this in any way annoys me, oh no.
Louis
Needs more “Ommmmmmm lingalingalingalingalinga killi! killi! killi!”
Maybe tomorrow….
As for the whole unbelievable/Australia thing, as a European they certainly do some things in a way that you just couldn’t here. Aussie motor shows are genius, if only because of the different way that they treat the idea of ‘concept cars’:
European: Like something out of a bad Japanese animation with electric wheels at each corner and a built in juice bar instead of rear seats.
Australian: 5.7 litre V8 at front, as many speakers as can be loaded without breaking suspension at back, paintwork modelled after a bad night on the McGuiggans in the middle.
Love it!
I wonder if Nelson can help me get my own theory published? It goes like this: “All brontosauruses are thin at one end, much, much thicker in the middle, and then thin again at the far end.”
I have overwhelming evidence of the existence of faster than light travel. While it has been extensively documented in the sacred transmissions from the future known as “Star Trek,” you unbelievers refuse to believe. So, I will show you that humans have indeed broken the faster than light barrier. I will do this tomorrow. Today, I have to procure my sacred texts about the Kryptonian savior you call “Superman.”
@ 36
oops, I meant SVEN @ 23
Paul Nelson is just being a good fundie xian. They are always making prophecies. They are always wrong.
According to one kook, the world ended 5 days ago. Of course, there are other predictions for the Rapture and End Time every few months into infinity.
According to Deuteronomy, false prophets are to be killed. While that would solve some problems by eliminating all the televangelists, many ministers, some creationists, and assorted wacko xians, the hypocrits always pick and choose from their magic book of fairy tales.
I have overwhelming evidence of the existence of faster than light travel.
The speed of darkness?
(fucking neverending story 2)
@ 63
I have infinite evidence of faster than light travel but I cannot post the results right now because they are too infinite.
maybe tomorrow.
Not sure where tomorrow fits in beyond light speed, but I’ll get back to ya.
Suppressed Hadley/CRU data show that global warming started the instant Elvis died. The Truth. Right here. Tomorrow.
That is basically an admission of profound ignorance.
At least most YECs will say 6,000 years old. They are wrong but at least they gave it a try.
I suppose Paul Nelson wants this taught in kid’s science classes to millions of kids. “Well kids, Paul Nelson, a delusional fundie xian crackpot doesn’t have the slightest idea how old the earth is. End of lesson, don’t bother asking any questions. Nelson’s version of science doesn’t know the answers to those either.
There’s a regular fellow on Usenet’s talk.origins named Ray Martinez who has been writing a thesis that will unequivocally overturn the evil doctrine of Evolution. It’s been “forthcoming” for about a decade, now. Ray is a small fry compared to Paul Nelson but their pathology seems to be the same. It occurs in four stages:
1) A brief flash of possible insight, a tentative mental association, a sketchy idea occurs. Schizophrenia helps, but tends to keep you from getting a fellowship. Or winning Nobel prizes, but there are exceptions.
2) Intervention of the Holy Spirit leads to the subject’s conviction that he is onto something of great importance that will justify his lifetime of devotion to a doctrine of nonsense. Convinced that God is speaking directly to him, the subject announces his thesis to the world, vastly exaggerating his progress in order to provide hope to the faithful.
3) Dotting the iotas and crossing the tildes turns out to be harder than assumed. Unexpected obstacles, contradictions and mistakes turn up repeatedly as the subject continues attempt to “polish the paper for publication.”
4) The subject takes a break from the arduous work, hoping for inspiration, then another break, and finally forgets about it, knowing that the faithful will not call him out on it since they know he is righteous, if not necessarily right. Besides, if they understood what he was talking about in the first place they would have told him to keep it quiet until he has something more rigorous to show.
When Paul Nelson backs up his claims, can we have jam? We haven’t had it since yesterday.
Tomorrow will never come, because Palin, Bachmann, and Hannity will be together in Minneapolis TODAY! We’re all gonna be sucked into a black hole of stupidity.
Actually, Paul Nelson has made great progress on explaining and extending his theory of ‘Ontogenetic Depth.’ All he needs now is someone to come in and put it into mathematical language.
Having involved myself in various discussions over the years, on line and in meat-space, there are also a few things I am patiently waiting for:
1.) Definitive proof for the paranormal.
2.) A reconciliation of quantum physics and a conscious universe.
3.) The return of Jesus.
4.) A paradigm shift in how we do science.
5.) A coherent definition of “God,” from a process theologian.
Any day now. Soon.
Splitters.
When I first saw that, I thought it said spitters, and my filthy little mind said, and what about those swallowers, hm?
Sastra @ 70
Once the time cube is in proper alignment with tomorrow, the answer to all these questions will be 42.
I still love this assessment by PZ:
I can see this being quotemined: “… probably the best piece of work to emerge from the Intelligent Design crowd yet….” – PZ Myers
Much to (my) consternation, (I) have come to conclusive evidence that I do not exist. It has been a long and difficult process, but rest assured the proof does not rest merely on a lack of evidence for my existence or any inherently contradictory traits I might hold. I’ll be posting full details on this shortly.
Probably tomorrow.
I always get a kick out of this one when I drive by it:
You fancy ass liberals and your linear, sequential views on time.
God is beyond time. Now, I don’t know what that even exactly means and it’s not really in the Bible and it’s sort of something I just heard from a friend. However, if all humans are made in God’s image and Paul Nelson is a human does it not logically follow that Nelson is made in God’s image and thus has magical abilities with regards to time? Is it not also possible that time is cyclic and not only will he give you his proof, but he has given it to you and is giving it you? (Note: this might also provide an out for failed Biblical prophecies.)
Of course I have a proof of this cyclic-time God that is nothing like the God I worship in church. (Empirical evidence? You and your scienticism views on having “emprical data supporting claims”.) I can’t post it now but wait until when tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow creeps in.
Louis #56
I hereby rephrase my question.
Hang on, we’re expecting an accurate time estimate from a guy who refuses to reveal how old he thinks the universe is?
thinks the universe is 6,000 years old?The problem with large n is that makes it later than 2012 CE, which is when the world ends. Or 2038 CE, which is when time ends.
#67:
Thanks, I was looking for a new euphemism for masturbation.
I have definitive proof of the practicability of faster-than-light travel, and I plan to publish yesterday. Day before yesterday at the latest.
Parse #68
The rule is, jam tomorrow and jam yesterday – but never jam today.
I suppose your predictions are better and more accurate than Paul Nelson’s.
He did it.
OK, that was just yesterday’s teaser. There will be, as he states, “more tomorrow”.
re: #6
Monstrous! ]}:>
I must confess to my own discovery: We are all God! We are nothing more or less than the mental machine of the Almighty and all knowledge is simply hidden inside all of our heads.
I would share my overwhelming proof of this, but we all already know.
A dear friend of mine is a legend in the Linux community- tho I shall not Kw*k his name. Long ago, in a mania fueled by DXM and 5-MeO-DMT, he claimed to have come up with a mathematical proof that 0=1. I can’t recall the formula these 20 years later but I’ll shoot him an email and post his reply here tomorrow.
That’s incredibly trivial.
x=0
x(x-1)=0
x-1=0
x=1
0=1
Expecting a creationist to have something more than a bare assertion… who’s the naive one here?
Good luck with that one, if Shermer is right then “paranormal” is just a placeholder for as yet unknown phenomena. So by definition there already is proof for the paranormal at the same time that the paranormal doesn’t exist!
This might be promising
I thought he never left, otherwise those WWJD bumper stickers are completely irrelevant for any modern issues…
I just watched an incredible movie called Expelled, and it showed that there is a paradigm shift in science – it’s just that the Evil Darwinists don’t like it so they are freezing God out of academia.
I looked up “process theology” – what the fuck?
The sun’ll come out
Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
There’ll be sun!
Just thinkin’ about
Tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs,
And the sorrow
‘Til there’s none!
When I’m stuck a day
That’s gray,
And lonely,
I just stick out my chin
And Grin,
And Say,
Oh
The sun’ll come out
Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
‘Til tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow!
Tomorrow!
I love ya
Tomorrow!
You’re always
A day
A way!
Dividing by zero!
Pfft, statisticians.
Dividing by zero!
Pfft,
statisticianseconomists.(oops)
I’m from Australia and I have conclusive evidence that we don’t exist. I left it at home though… wait here while I go get it…
@heaventree #46
I’ve seen the Higgs bosom too… it’s scary.
He pretty much admits that the whole thing was made up here and has retreated into the vague non specific criticism we are used to from creationists.
@Rev. BigDumbChimp
You want to be a bit careful round these parts, I was cursed out for being a bigoted racist when I made fun of the Texas accent. Should be alright making fun of the Australian accent, we know we sound ridiculous.
#94
HYPOTHESIS FAIL
OK….
*facepalm*
The People’s Front for the Liberation of Penguinistan (Antarctica) will be contacting you shortly…
Of course, you have to take into account the length of the day at the pole when I say that this may take a day or two.
While I’m glad to see the myths of Australia and New Zealand debunked here I’m more concerned that no one has revealed the truth about the alleged continent of “Antarctica”. You see the global liberal communist climate conspiracy (GLC3) created a mythical ice bound continent far away from inhabited regions just so they could then claim that it was melting away. They have even used CGI techniques to create adorable fictional animals such as “Penguins” which inhabit the place and are of course endangered and in need of protection. I will post the real undoctored satellite photos proving that all these mythical Southern hemisphere places are nothing but expanses of open water – except for Tasmania, Tasmania’s real.
Even worse is the insidious liberal myth of a place called “America.” They made up an imaginary country so they could make up imaginary problems in that country – whereas we all know that America doesn’t have any problems.
Hooray! My theory is so crazy that it causes a time paradox! TIME CUBE, HO!
Meathead,
Must be, I’ve seen the map of it.
ontogenetic depth = 6 feet
I will provide my proof tomorrowish
Announcing the HyperTimeCube!!11!
(crickets)
Announcing the Super-duper HyperFantasticalTimeCube!!!11!111!
(dodges brick)
PHILISTINES!
Um, yeah. Thanks for the advice. I’m new here and all. ;)
Plus I wasn’t really making fun of it. It was in the spirit of the thread.
Plus I’m from South Carolina so I don’t have much room to talk on accents, though mine isn’t very strong I’m told.
Australia is a real place!
Proof
#97 Meathead
Yashawbouthat?
To all those people making fun of Australia:
Be warned, we will conquer your country tomorrow.
By the way, Australians don’t have accents; it’s the rest of the world that has accents.