This is an entirely sensible ad promoting safe sex from Botswana. How do you think it would be received in the US?
We already know. Remember Jocelyn Elders, fired from her position as Surgeon General because she said of masturbation that “I think that it is part of human sexuality, and perhaps it should be taught”? One brief sentence on this taboo subject led to her dismissal. Amusingly, the president who fired her was that dismal old prude and paragon of propriety, Bill Clinton. I guess that’s an indication of just how narrow and strait-laced this country is.
Doesn’t seem like something that needs to be taught, actually.
Glen D
http://tinyurl.com/6mb592
what was the old saying…
5% of men masturbate
the other 95% lie.
Martial artists learn breathing techniques. Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you’re making a good job of it. :)
When I was 19 and got a dildo, I thought I might never need a man again. If we really want to stop teen pregnancy as a society, we should give them to every single teenage girl in the country.
and unbalanced washing machines
Hilarious. Imagine all the fun things that you could put in the bubble.
For women, wouldn’t this involve thinking *inside* the “box”? Or at least plinking inside the box?
or we could set up little booths where people in rubber gloves do it for you! it should be a requirement before you enter and exit a public place that you be “serviced” it would create jobs and keep sex off of people minds, but it might lead to chaffing so i say implement a wrist band system if you have already had your turn 5 minutes ago you don’t have to do it again… what would the do with all the byproduct? soylent green?
State Sponsored glory holes!
Does anyone else think that an ad campaign promoting masturbation in place of sex is doomed to failure? I think it would be more effective with the slogan “Masturbation: It’s either this or start wearing the condoms.”
The teaching of it had more to do with hygiene than technique. I think her point was that some young kids, ashamed of what they’re doing, masturbate in ways that may cause urinary tract infections or lasting damage. Then there’s the psychological side of it; I mean at least 50% of adolescent shame is sex and body related.
That would be Abstibation presumably…
The Petey (#2)
Actually, Jocelyn Elders said that in an interview.
I was stunned when I realized that I had sexual urges too. The nuns insisted that all boys wanted sex and good girls didn’t and had to stop them. It was quite confusing for a time. I really thought I was the only girl ever who actually wanted to do “bad” things.
It wasn’t Clinton’s idea to fire Elders. The religious right made such a clamor about Elder’s comments which was picked up by the Republics in the Senate and House that the spineless Democrats, a minority in the govt., apart from the executive office, forced Clinton to act. Remember that the R’s held up many of Clinton’s appointees as well for no good reasons other than that they could. Sort of like what’s happening now with some of Obama’s appointees, like the double amputee appointed to Veteran’s Affairs being stonewalled by the yahoo from some southern state – I can’t remember him or his state.
I’d love to know what he’s watching on that television. Not The Passion of the Christ, I hope.
Julian @11,
50% of adolescent shame is sex and body related
Wait, there was another 50%?
I served as a cook at a naval hospital in Vietnam and I still remember a doctor saying that men went to whore houses because they were too lazy to take things into their own hands.
This is certainly one way to take the AIDS epidemic in hand.
“Anonymous @15”, c’est msi: Mrs Tilton. Bollixed by TypeKey. Have I fixed the problem now?
Oops, Qwerty got there first.
In the 90s, in a fairly typical, state comprehensive school in a small town in a Conservative part of England (Alton, in Hampshire), our sex-ed lessons (to 14 and 15 year-olds, IIRC) mentioned masturbation. They told us what it was (and therefore, unavoidably, the basics of how to do it), that it was common and OK. They used videos to tell us so the teacher wouldn’t have to get to embarrassed, but they told us.
At around the same time a US Surgeon-General was sacked for raising the possibility of discussing it!? WTF? Is it still not mentioned or was quietly slipped into the state teaching codes while the Guardians of Morals had their backs turned?
Even after I read that 99% of people do it, both men and women, it was years before I could actually admit it. You’re not the only one who felt that way, and I expect that it is a common feeling among men and especially women. It’s extremely likely that at least some of the nuns who taught you not to do it were actually doing it themselves. They’d all be surprised to learn that all the other nuns do it too.
Shouldn’t this be “thinking without the box.”
There is a picture on the wall stating, “There is fun without sex.” So the poor guy on the couch has to have THAT staring him in the face each time he services himself?? If he’s out to give himself a complex, I suppose this is one way.
If I walked into a place where someone had hung that sign on the wall, I think I would fall down laughing.
Reminds me of the Colbert quote that “if somebody is teaching you, it’s not masturbation.”
Qwerty, only for guys. Us women masturbate, too.
At my school we got taught sex ed, aged 13, by one of the biology staff. The teacher who told us about masturbation was one of the older, more conservative members of the department and he referred to masturbation throughout the lesson as “self abuse”. Accompanied by the usual sex-negative “down with this kind of thing” pronouncements.
This resulted in an entire class of very confused boys all concerned about this “self abuse” stuff until one bright spark twigged that the teacher was talking about masturbation. Unfortunately for the boy in question realisation came hand in hand with utterance and he said “Oh! You mean wanking! What’s wrong with wanking?”
General mayhem and hilarity ensued.
The boy in question never lived the incident down.
Louis
Somehow, I don’t think they would.
My memory says Clinton fired Elders when she suggested that we study the possible legalization of drugs just before her son was going to be sentenced for cocaine trafficking.
thelrd in TEXAS
It looks more like: “thinking” inside the traditional boxers.
Technique’s rather important too. Think about the sort of things some of the Darwin Award winners were doing wrong …
On the subject of masturbation myself and some friends earlier in the year were talking about how ridiculous it seemed the vibrators/dildos are considered perfectly acceptable for women (in england anyway) but fleshlights and similar products for men are apparently something to be ashamed of. In that spirit (and after consuming many spirits, on valentines day no less) four of us bought some fleshlights over the net. I’m here to tell you that this was a good plan, it really makes doing things manually seem redundant.
Oh, and as I’m still not totally over the taboo and feel a little defensive I should point out that I do have a girlfriend and have regular sex, which is still better but it’s nice to have the other option.
I’ve never felt that they were acceptable for me. I bought mine online and I make sure to hide it from other people, especially my parents. I know that some U.S. towns have big problems with stores that want to sell them, and some have even tried to make them illegal with varying degrees of success. There’s one town (I forget which one) where people are legally allowed to buy them only for medical purposes, so people have to fill out a form as a technicality and it doesn’t stop anyone from buying them. It’s also common to see them in catalogs described as massagers.
Kind of along the lines of one-hitters and four-foot bongs being sold as “stop smoking aids,” eh, catgirl?
catgirl, all of Texas was under a dildo ban, so those selling them had to call them ‘educational aids’ or some such. It was repealed just last year, IIRC. Awesome video with Molly Ivins:
So many of Americans’ hang-ups with sex have their origins with my fucking Puritan ancestors. (Or at least the idealized version of them.)
When I was in college as an older student, I made it into some prestigiously classic honors society or other. The $35 dollar membership fee got us a dinner and a tacky certificate, but the swearing-in was priceless. An entire roomful of college students, repeating the ancient oath after the clerk,”blah, blah…and preserve my body from my own defilement…blah, blah” or something obscure like that. I looked around, but nobody else was even blinking. I asked another older person later, “Did that entire bunch of college students just promise to not masturbate?” “Yep.”
Evidently masturbation used to be a major health concern. I read somewhere that one of the big advocates of male circumcision back in the 1800s hoped that it made masturbation too painful.
@ 30,
fleshlight is indeed god’s gift to man LOL
I dont actually get the connection between masturbation and safe-sex-ed at all.In that context,what made most sense to me and wins the thread IMO,was Captain Mike @ 10.
Also, as far as teaching it goes, the thing that comes to mind is people not knowing what should and should not go in the holes. Anything sugary is very, very bad for vaginal health, and of course anything without a stopper of some kind can get lost in the colon. And given all the shame that gets heaped on anything sexual, I’m sure they would be hesitant to come forward if they were injured in some way, which could easily make it worse. Since teens are going to be looking all this up online (and since they are –newsflash!!– people), they should know what is good for their bodies and what needs to be done with care and caution. Preaching to the converted, I know.
One timy nit to pick: Her name is Joycelyn, not Jocelyn.
Elders was fired for being a loose cannon, including the legalization issue.
The masturbation statement was the trigger that Clinton pulled to send her packing. She wasn’t really fired “over that issue,” it was a convenient excuse. But as well as I can remember, she was fired shortly after that statement.
It would be silly to think she was actually fired because of such a relatively innocuous statement, as it wasn’t nearly as problematic for the Clinton administration as, say, the legalization statement. Probably because drug legalization does have so many arguments in favor of it that the government doesn’t wish to acknowledge.
Glen D
http://tinyurl.com/6mb592
@ Matt Heath, no. 20
That’s quite wierd – you’re from the same town as me.
Some of our sex ed lessons, maybe a few years later, were given by the school nurse, who also worked in a sexual health clinic. She told us horror stories about things people had used instead of condoms – such as crisp packets, or cling film, which apparently get tighter and tighter…
Looking back, I kind of wish I’d have paid a bit more attention in my High School health class. I ignored every second of it because 1) I could only fit it in my schedule by taking it during summer school and 2) It was nothing more than common sense with a lesson plan.
Apparently the book we used is infamous for the amount of misinformation that it contains. Our teacher probably didn’t have a problem making things up either. But I really only remember one thing: the absurd “political correctness”. I shit you not, this book had a picture of a paraplegic woman playing tennis, and the caption was “People who don’t smoke can live healthy, active lifestyles”. Boggles the mind.
@ #33 — The Texas dildo ban was indeed narrowly overturned last year. Here’s a wikipedia page if you care to read more on it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Texas_obscenity_statute
Long story short, the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals overturned the dildo law in a 2-1 vote. The State (Attorney General) did not like this ruling.
So, the State of Texas argued that:
The State Attorney General filed to have the Circuit Court rehear the argument, and the Circuit Court refused. The State Attorney General declined to escalate the matter to the Supreme Court, which means the dildo law is no longer in effect.
RedPersephone @36
The exchange between Danberg and Chisum in the video you posted (at around the 5 minute mark) is amazing. The idea that lawmakers are so worried about what (consenting) people are doing in the privacy of their homes is astounding.
“Doesn’t seem like something that needs to be taught, actually.”
It needs to be taught to the extent that we should tell kids it’s ok, it won’t hurt them unless they do really stupid things with machinery, and they don’t need to be ashamed about it.
Or maybe we just continue to leave that job to stand-up comedians on late-night cable.
Well, if you think about it, we all know Clinton’s stance on masturbation: why do it yourself when you can get somebody else to do it for you? :D
Why did he leave the curtains open?!
Tyler from Appalachian Emergency Room didn’t get the memo.
Captain Mike:
That was the reason the National Lampoon created the Palma Sutra.
Don’t they already teach about it in sex ed?
I remember health class in fifth grade, Hudson, Florida.
They talked about masturbation in class and while a lot of kids were saying “gross”, I was thinking to myself “I have to try this.” So after school that day I went home and did. It wasn’t until sometime after college I was comfortable enough to actually ADMIT it.
The dildo thing for me is a different matter. LOL
Not entirely sure how many people want the male perspective on buying his first dildo.
I started masturbating when I was 4; didn’t realize it was called that until I was 19.
I have a funny story about that. I started when I was probably 8 or 9. I didn’t know what it was called, but I knew that I should keep it a secret. When I was 12, I read the word in a magazine and I innocently asked my mom what it meant. As soon as she explained it I knew that’s what I had been doing.
catgirl’s mum not dodging the question FTW!
Sex Ed? Health class? What are those? In Biology class (9th grade) they showed a film with some drawings of basic human reproductive anatomy (ovaries, etc.), but I’m not sure they even mentioned the act of sex, and certainly did not mention masturbation or contraceptives.
Love the graphic–though for meta-humor I would reproduce the overall scene as the man’s fantasy in the fantasy balloon. A man masturbating and fantasizing about a man with a woman fantasizing about masturbating, …
#34:
Yes, it was a major health concern back in the day. The current moral panic about it didn’t come from religion or anything like that. Fear of masturbation really took off in the 1800s or so, when it was believed to cause mental illness and diseases. The religious angle came later. It’s really similar to the abortion issue in terms of cultural attitudes.
The Biblical passage about Onan isn’t actually a condemnation of masturbation. Onan’s crime wasn’t rubbing one out, but cheating his brother out of a descendant. (Not that we should really care about what the Bible says—I just think it’s an interesting thing to note.)
No kidding! Mr Sanctimonious himself fired her?! No surprise there.
What was it that Woody Allen said about this ancient art of fist-friction?
Remember this bomb scare at an airport back in 2006?
http://archives.tcm.ie/breakingnews/2006/08/23/story273566.asp
I have real sympathy for that sad guy.
Re: #34:
John Harvey Kellogg, M.D. Treatment for Self-Abuse and its Effects, Plain Fact for Old and Young. Burlington, Iowa: F. Segner & Co. (1888).
“A remedy for masturbation which is almost always successful in small boys is circumcision. The operation should be performed by a surgeon without administering an anesthetic, as the brief pain attending the operation will have a salutary effect upon the mind, especially if it be connected with the idea of punishment. In females, the author has found the application of pure carbolic acid to the clitoris an excellent means of allaying the abnormal excitement.”
Yes, the same Kellogg Family of cereal fame! This was a standard medical text advocating barbaric “treatment” for masturbation. F’ing amazing.
I will soon be returning home for a visit to the great xian state of Alabama. (Pray for me.)Since Texas declined to take the “Free the Dildos” case to the Supreme Court it has allowed Alabama’s anti-sextoy law to remain intact. (Texas’law was overturned on the basis of the Supreme Court ruling that found the laws forbidding consensual gay sex to be unconstitutional.)I think that since Alabama’s law is a commerce regulation it may have withstood the challenge as it related only to sales of such items in Alabama. There was a famous, fatuous statement made by the Governor (iirc) to the effect that the Constitution “…did not guarantee anyone the right to an orgasm.” I mentioned this to my wife and she said that:(A)We weren’t in Alabama, and (B)Shut the fuck up and get back to work.
Damn, Matt. That’s the most evil thing I’ve read today :U
There are probably many good songs on this subject, one of which is “He’s My Best Friend” by Jellyfish.
Hahaha just another reason why scientists should rule the world.
I’m impressed. Nobody’s mentioned hairy palms or needing glasses.
Something Bill Hicks said about Wiping enitre civilizations off of his chest with a gray gym sock. And that entire nations had flaked and crusted in the hair around his navel.
Maybe that’s part of the puritanical objection to, well…how did Billy Idol put it? “Dancing with” one’s self.” lies in the fact that every time guys have a go, you’re basically conducting a pogrom on all the little homunculi, souls, potential little future believers or whatever they ‘think’ is going on with the little swimmers.
*gasp*!!
They used the *m* word in the poster!! I need to go in the restroom and was my eyes out.
[internal voice]…hmmm, I wonder if there’s lotion and tissues in there too…[internal voice]
Thanks, Matt, that was scarily it. The Kelloggs were crazy. One brother invented healthy grain cereals for his patients at his famous health farm at Battle Creek, the other made sugary goop and marketed it on his brother’s reputation.
Natalie @ # 25 – Duh, maybe I am dumb as a box (of rocks).
You’re soooo right.
Orgasmatrons
I guess I’m the only person in the world who didn’t know what a fleshlight was…
Just thank your personal deities (or non-deities or the universe or whatever) that you all live in developed countries where aids to self-gratification are freely available, and there is not really a strong taboo against them.
Sex-toys, particularly artificial masturbatory aids, are banned in India, and you can be charged with criminal intent if you are discovered having some in your possession.
On top of that, in a move scarily reminiscent of the abstinence only sex-ed regime, a Parliamentary Panel headed by a senior leader of a Hindu fundamentalist political party decreed that there should be no sex-education in schools, saying that the “Message should appropriately be given to school children that there should be no sex before marriage which is immoral, unethical and unhealthy.”
And this is also the country, where until very recently, homosexual sex was a criminal offense, carrying a punishment of life imprisonment.
We have a L-O-N-G way to go. Sigh.
If, as Pope Ratzinger (and Monty Python) claim, “every sperm is sacred”, then the character on the poster (so manfully holding his own) is engaging in a sacrament of deeply personal spiritual significance, communing with the sacred in a rite of ecstatic meditation. Or maybe he’s just jerking off. Either way, he’s enjoying it.
I spent some time in Indonesia, not so far from India, and only later found out that Indonesia has some rather strict laws. The penalty for masturbating in Indonesia is death by beheading.
That may explain why the raciest thing that Indonesian big-city hotel TVs had was a fashion channel. Nothing but European fashion models slouching down a runway. It certainly didn’t turn me on, but I made me wonder what excuse they used for featuring it.
That gives me an idea! Someone get in touch with Glenn Beck! For the next protest, they can use a Tax Monkey theme. Which they of course have to punish.
Spank The Monkey protests folks… you heard it here first.
Rev. Johnson: “Oh Lord, do we have the strength to carry on this mighty task in one night, or are we just jerking off?”
Congregation: “Amen.”
–Blazing Saddles
No kings,
Robert
My dad took me to a father/son “sex-ed” thing with the crusty old parish priest.
One of the dads asked if it was a sin to have a wet dream. (Nice way to embarrass your kid!)
I was 12 maybe, thinking that was the stupidest question EVER!
But I already knew these people were weird.
The second I knew it felt good to masturbate I ignored everything I was told about it being bad… to me it was just like “how can something this good be “bad?” If people had more sex they wouldn’t be so up tight.”
I can probably count on one hand the number of days I’ve gone without masturbating.
My parents would be ashamed about it if they knew. For now they’ll have to stick to being ashamed because I’m an atheist.
Only if you don’t feel deeply ashamed afterwards.
Right or left?
Excuse me for a second I have a date with my vibrator.
There sure is. And right after I take care of something, I’ll go find out what it is.
I once was told that something was “the most fun you can have with your clothes on.” I’ll try to remember what that something is.
Elders resignation notice
The link is to Leon Panetta’s announcement of Elders being asked to resign. She was indeed asked to resign because of the masturbation statement. The exact quote:
My reading of the statement is that she was advocating teaching that masturbation was a normal part of human sexuality. I think suggesting she was advocating teaching how to masturbate is a real stretch.
Covert sex in a crowded train?
Elders was definitely pushed out as Surgeon General due to the masturbation comment.
I had the opportunity of hearing her speak a year or so later, and during the Q&A asked if she’d heard the rumors that the person who’d asked her the fateful question had been a plant by the Republican front* which made a scandal out of this bit of nothing.
She said she’d heard that, but denied the questioner (a respected medical professional) was planted, particularly since he later apologized profusely to her.
*aka US News & World Report
Another example of late 1800s-early 1900s paranoia–in this case, about nocturnal emissions.
Gentles, I give youhttp://www.museumofquackery.com/devices/timely.htm The Timely Warning.
I’ve actually seen one in person (at the now-sadly-closed Museum Of Questionable Medical Devices in Minneapolis). The thought of it alone makes me cringe….
It looks like I screwed up the link earlier. Here’s the Elders resignation notice:
http://www.mith2.umd.edu/WomensStudies/GovernmentPolitics/WhiteHouse/PressConferences+Releases/elders-resignation
Teaching monkeys to masturbate?!? There’s my new hobby!
That was John Harvey Kellogg’s Plain Facts for Old and Young, courtesy of
Project Gutenberg, a great place to find downloadable books. And yes, that’s Kellogg of Battle Creek, the guy whose brother corrupted his healthy cereal into the glop you had for breakfast. It’s a scary and funny book. Don’t read it while eating your cornflakes.
Catgirl, the vibrating kind, or the non-vibrating kind?
Since our arms are just long enough to reach comfortably, I’d say God had intelligently designed us to masturbate. In fact, masturbation is an atheist’s worst nightmare! /Ray comfort
@recovering catholic #69:
“I guess I’m the only person in the world who didn’t know what a fleshlight was…”
*smile* How do you think the rest of us found out?
The reason one Kellog made dry and boring cereal was so it breakfast wouldn’t excite unhealthy passions in young men.
In spite of the fact that women weren’t supposed to like sex, at one time part of doctors’ practices was manually relieving women of their sexual tensions so they wouldn’t get hysterical. And some men, too, it seems.
As a woman, I must add: Fleshlight FTW! I gave one as a present and it turned out to be very much appreciated. Ladies: give a Fleshlight to someone you love.
I’ve even seen vending machines here with “just add water” masturbation aids that apparently work much like the fleshlight does. Obviously haven’t been able to use one personally, but I’m told they’re pretty good considering they’re rather cheap throwaway things. Maybe the UK needs some of those?
Another quote from John Harvey Kellogg’s Plain Facts for Old and Young, c.f. Menyambal @87.
Well, as a decided autosexual anyway, this suits me down to the ground!
I’ve never known my genitals be feeling horny when my hand wasn’t, or vice-versa. Once I discovered (far too late) the added benefits of chemistry and physics, no way was I going back to inefficient, old-fashioned two-person sex.
Remember, 99 999 999 sperm die in vain in a fuck that makes a baby. I honestly can’t feel too bothered about one extra.
@Jon Anderson # 45
In a country which is progressive enough to advertise the virtues of masturbating, I doubt they have too many problems with ‘Peeping Toms’. Anyone else who might be a potential voyeur is probably quite happily at home having a nice long wank with their friends.
Voyeurs at the window are much more likely in the narrow, twisted, repressed, stratight-laced and religiously indoctrinated countries like yours and mine.
BTW – it is those same countries who like to pretend they should be the world’s role model and policemen who are in reality are sending the whole planet down the gurgler by their habitually feeding fanatical religious wars, stuffing up the global economy, and effectively convincing the population they must be devout, fearful, and always feel extreme guilt and shame at being human and for the human urges that come with the territory.
To illustrate the point, I suggest you review this article about Happeh Theory.
What I can’t understand is why the fellow in the ad is wearing his boxer shorts!
The sex education I had (UK Catholic school, late 70s) was almost entirely sex-free. The only ‘explicit’ part was a TV program on the subject: when it mentioned masturbation the religious studies teacher involved switched channel to a documentary about newts, saying ‘actually, no – that’s a sin’ and checked his watch until he knew that part was over.
At that moment, I officially became an atheist. Still got a thing about newts 32 years later though. ;)
Newts are lovely.
I’m reminded of a talk I went to at a local science festival on the history of vibrators. At one time, respectable women would go to doctors to be given “paroxysms” by manipulation of their vulvas in order to reduce their “hysteria”, thought by some to be caused by their wombs wandering around their internal organs, or something like that.
The doctors were paid a lot to perform this onerous service, but it took such a long time, and was so boring, that when the opportunity arose, they sought to use mechanical devices to perform the task. At first these mechanical contrivances were of a size that required them to be built into doctors’ surgeries; later they were wheeled devices that could be trundled about. Later still, the technology advanced so that they could be hand-held devices, and indeed they were among the first electric household appliances.
Any housewife could buy one, not needing to pay exorbitant fees to have their vulvas massaged, so doctors got out of the business entirely. But they had their revenge by revealing the fact that a paroxysm was the same as an orgasm, which made these at one time common household appliances vaguely sordid things. And so we have the situation we have today.
Dude looks so sad. This is supposed to make guys feel better about not getting action?
I didn’t know, but I assumed the definition from the context.
That guy and I must have the same decorator, because I have the same picture hanging in my living room.
I also have a special masturbation blanket, but who doesn’t?
NelC,
The talk you heard may have been based on this book, which is a pretty good read.
I remember Jocelyn Elders.
Maybe some were against her because she favored masturbation, but the real problem was she wanted the federal government to be in charge of it.
Would you really want some Sergeant Schultz teaching children about masturbation according to federal regulations that would keep changing according to political whims?