Interesting wording on this poll » « A tragic tale, made worse by dogma

Another minority persecuted by religion

i-4b43f4c39b671bc3d48958de6e5d7587-garden-gnome.gif

The bigotry is going too far. Now the Diocese of Bath and Wells has banned garden gnomes from their cemeteries. What are we to do with the poor wee buggers, then? Let them rot in the streets?

I do appreciate the excuse given, though.

A spokesman for the Diocese of Bath and Wells said: “There is no such thing as a real gnome so why should we have such unnatural creatures in churchyards?”

Indeed. And what of the unnatural creatures that stock the interior of the churches?

Interesting wording on this poll » « A tragic tale, made worse by dogma

Comments

  4. says

    A spokesman for the Diocese of Bath and Wells said: “There is no such thing as a real gnome so why should we have such unnatural creatures in churchyards?”

    The sheer arrogance! Saying “there’s no such thing as gnomes” without having acquainted himself with even the rudiments of gnomology. I bet his naïve arguments would be torn to shreds by a sophisticated, modern gnomologist!

  5. Ranxerox says

    “There is no such thing as a real gnome..”

    I disagree. There is plenty of literature about gnomes. They must be real.

    Sounds like a republican ploy…Only real ‘mericans believe in real ‘nomes

    :)

  6. Lowell says

    I guess God must be a natural creature. Great. What species is it? Are the cryptozoologists going to start looking for it?

  7. oldtree says

    the gnome’s hat was to hard for the bishop. Not the first time. This time there were photos. Had to pay off the gnome.

  9. David says

    Shall we start knocking all the gargoyles off Gothic churches then? I’ve got an 8lb sledge hammer and chissel ready to start (and I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if a trucked a few of them off to my home to “dispose” of them)

  10. SC says

    What are we to do with the poor wee buggers, then? Let them rot in the streets?

    I propose an atheist gnome-adoption program. We can paint As on their caps and they can be like little godless mascots.

    (Why were people putting them in the cemeteries? Is that a usual practice there?)

  13. SEF says

    It sounds like those religious leaders are closet extremist druids with their cries of “abomination against nature” (D&D ref.)! :-D

    And, of course, hypocrites and nutters and kill-joys and …

  16. E.V. says

    the gnome’s hat was to hard for the bishop.

    DId anyone about the Parish priest last week, who had to have a potato surgically removed from his bum? He claimed he fell onto the potato while hanging curtains in the nude. I kid you not!

  17. Pablo says

    Well, according to the Weasleys, muggle versions of gnomes aren’t very realistic anyway. Real gnomes are more potato like creatures with tiny legs.

    My wife still wants to get a gnome in a pink tutu to put on the top of our christmas tree.

  19. E.V. says

    What about all the gargoyles on the outsides of the churches?

    In America, we call them deacons…

  21. John Morales says

    I presume the Diocese will shortly be taking the hammer and chisel to the gargoyles of Wells Cathedral, then, it being the seat of the Bishop of Bath and Wells. Unless they’re hypocrites, of course.

  24. Rey Fox says

    Unnatural? I dunno. Let’s get Peregrinus in here to show us his proof of the Philosopher’s Gnome.

  25. Brad D says

    Gah! It’s so annoying to see someone have that little spark of rational thought about what is real and what is not, and then proceed to ignore it immediately afterwards.

  26. spgreenlaw says

    Good. I am sick of seeing Travelocity advertisements every time I go to visit my Grandfather’s grave. Does corporate greed know no bounds?

  27. Sastra says

    The article doesn’t just mention gnomes: teddy bears and artificial flowers are also banned. Natural flowers are okay; I presume real, live, actual bears would be acceptable as well.

    In addition to the irony of the Catholic church calling gnomes “unnatural,” there is also the exquisite irony involved in their daring to label them “tacky.” Yes, nothing more true to life and tasteful than a praying angel.

    As for me, if I have a burial site, I want pink flamingos watching over my corpse. It keeps the vampires away.

  31. Pdiff says

    @16 “DId anyone about the Parish priest last week, who had to have a potato surgically removed from his bum? He claimed he fell onto the potato while hanging curtains in the nude. I kid you not!”

    Why would you kid about that?!! It’s not funny when that happens! Now, when you fall onto carrots…. Now, that’s funny!

    Pdiff

  32. Sven DiMilo says

    What’s that in the sky now?
    Teapots that can fly now
    Voices in your head
    Tell me what they said
    …
    Radio Gnome…
    Radio Gnome Invisible

  33. says

    Indeed. And what of the unnatural creatures that stock the interior of the churches?

    Don’t go telling them that! They’ll start taking the gargoyles off the buildings – and those are the only things I like about them c.c

  34. windy says

    A spokesman for the Diocese of Bath and Wells said: “There is no such thing as a real gnome so why should we have such unnatural creatures in churchyards?”

    The sheer arrogance! Saying “there’s no such thing as gnomes” without having acquainted himself with even the rudiments of gnomology. I bet his naïve arguments would be torn to shreds by a sophisticated, modern gnomologist!

    Indeed! It seems that this person has not even bothered to read Master Huygen’s treatise on gnomes before making such ignorant pronouncements.

  37. Tom L says

    Using the diocese’s definition of “real” there is no such thing as a real headstone either. Let’s stop putting those in churchyards too.

  41. says

    “The historic churchyards are part of Somerset and we want to keep them tidy and safe.”

    Damn rural gnomes, coming over ‘ere with their fishin’ poles…

  42. gazzaofbath says

    This is happening on my patch! The only thing I can add is from the local paper; “The Chancellor of the Diocese, Worshipful Timothy Briden, produced the list of regulations, which also bans items such as fake flowers, teddy bears and plastic containers.”

    So be fair to him, he’s not just got it in for gnomes but also for any other possibly sentimental item that may lift the mood of visitors to a grave. And can you imagine having the title ‘Worshipful’ in front of your name? That must really play games with your frame of mind….

  43. says

    Phase 1. Collect Underpants

    Phase 2. ???

    Phase 3. Profit!

    Maybe phase 2 involved getting banned from cemeteries? Mysterious are the ways of the underpants gnomes.

  44. says

    Really, the only thing that woulda made that article better would’ve been having one of those defending this decision standing proudly and defiantly in front of a headstone something like this one.

  47. Lowell says

    @gypsytag

    they can’t prove there are no real gnomes and therefore that means they exist.

    Well, to be fair gypsy, it doesn’t prove for sure that they exist. It just proves that their existence is equally likely as their non-existence. Therefore, you can’t really make a decision either way except on faith. And that makes you as religious as gnome-worshipers. [/creationist]

  48. says

    Here’s my plan, find a way to get buried in that cemetery and have a headstone carved into the shape of a very large gnome, the inscription can be on it’s belly.

  50. Wowbagger says

    And what did he say when you told him I know the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and Wells?

    Great booze-up, Edmund.

  52. pikeamus says

    Nice to have some local news, I work right next door to the cathedral. I’ll have to bring this up with the guy upstairs, he’s a devout god head and generally quite reasonable aside from the obvious cognitive dissonance.

  53. says

    I’m citing religious discrimination. These poor gnome-placers are merely following their interpretation of Exodus 20:4, which clearly states “Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.” Since they’re not allowed to make likenesses of things on Earth or in Heaven, their likeness-making abilities are limited to fictional creatures like gnomes, fairies, and ducks with raincoats on. The diocese is trampling on these poor mourners’ religious convictions!

    Either that, or the diocese’s complaint is based on the same passage, and they’ve just done a more thorough survey of wishes, dreams, and happy homes.

  54. ihateaphids says

    i believe that garden gnomes are the reincarnation of jesus christ. this ban has made me completely lose faith in christianity. i plan to worship satan now. or do nothing, whichever is easier.

  57. Pdiff says

    EV: well uhhhh, no not MY personal experience. I uhhhh, heard about it from a friend of a friends brother ….

    Pdiff

  59. ggab says

    They first came for the gnomes, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a gnome.

    Will we ever learn?

  60. Michelle says

    “I said KEEP YOUR FUCKING GARDEN GNOMES OUT OF… Wait, huh? It’s a statue of GOD? Oh well I guess it’s fine.”

  62. says

    <logic type=”creationist”>…but can you PROVE that Gnomes don’t exist? Can you? You can’t, can you? You agnomists claim to know that gnomes don’t exist, but you can’t prove that gnomes don’t exist.

    My Dungeons and Dragons book disagrees. Therefore, gnomes exist.

    </logic>

  64. Devonian says

    “I guess God must be a natural creature. Great. What species is it?”
    Ketran (points if you get the reference).

  65. 'Tis Himself says

    Sastra #27:

    In addition to the irony of the Catholic church calling gnomes “unnatural,” there is also the exquisite irony involved in their daring to label them “tacky.”

    The Diocese of Bath and Wells is Anglican, not Catholic.

  66. Richard Simons says

    DId anyone about the Parish priest last week, who had to have a potato surgically removed from his bum?

    When I read the headline I assumed it was a variant on the story I heard many years ago, of someone who had a wine glass in his rear end. He told the doctor that he had read that cold cooked potato was good for hemorrhoids but he found it difficult to apply. So, he piled some up in a wine glass that he placed on a chair. He was carefully lowering himself when the arms of the chair broke.

  70. Levi says

    Maybe the gnomes can talk about what it feels like to be rejected with Sarah Palin in Gnome, Alaska.

  73. Diego says

    I’d now like to design a cemetery plot with gnomes riding on the backs of unicorns. I could even add compassionate conservatives to the mythical mix. It’ll be great!

  74. John Morales says

    E.V. @71:

    DId anyone about the Parish priest last week, who had to have a potato surgically removed from his bum?

    Why, yes! It was… E.V. @16.

    However, it was a natural root vegetable, so that’s OK :)

  75. Kseniya says

    That’s right, John. If God had intended potatoes to see the light of day, He’d have had them grow on vines, or trees, or clouds or something.

  77. Kseniya says

    Thank you, John, I appreciate that. I don’t know if I’m really back, but my intention is to avoid being gone. :-)

  81. Ragutis says

    Separately, posts #16 & 17 are ok, but together, they sound like an idea for some messed-up Harry Potter fanfic.

  82. Sili says

    For shame. Never met the bishop, though (didn’t bother getting tickets for induction of the new rector a coupla years ago). But the Bath staff were nice enough.

  83. says

    So, if we were to summarise the state of the British Anglican clergy (based on the comments above) they are currently occupied with landscaping architecture by excommunicating garden gnomes, while stuffing their butts with potatoes.

    I thought Monty Python was nothing but a humour show, and then it turns out to be a documentary series…

  86. Peter Ashby says

    Have you lot been at the comments or are the Torygraph readers surprisingly sane?

    There is a strong sense of independence in Tory circles in England. They don’t like being told what to do. Ally that with the curious fact that there is strong affection for apparently childish things like Pooh and Paddington Bears, Beatrix Potter etc (The English are a sweetly sentimental race and unashamed of it) and you get annoyed people who see their self expression being trampled on. At least gnomes don’t go soggy in the rain, unlike teddy bears. Banning plastic pots just taxes the poor, anything else shatters in the frost and has to be replaced regularly. I gave up on earthenware pots in the garden and now use only plastic and wood.

  89. Nick Gotts says

    DId anyone about the Parish priest last week, who had to have a potato surgically removed from his bum? He claimed he fell onto the potato while hanging curtains in the nude. I kid you not! E.V.

    I blame the potato; it was probably provocatively dressed.

  90. Nick Gotts says

    From #29 and my #88, I see there’s the possibility of an international alliance to defend the gnome! Or, I suppose, an ideological feud over the correct line.

  94. Tim H says

    All you gnomophiles out there need to get a grip. Only garden gnomes have been banned. Mountain gnomes, river gnomes, and of course lesser great plains horned gnomes are still perfectly ok.

    I actually think the best place to put all the displaced garden gnomes would be the nearest industrial furnace. I don’t even care if they give off poisonous fumes when burned; it would be an acceptable trade-off. For other suggestions on where to put garden gnomes, see an old Fawlty Towers episode.

  96. Fluffybunnyfeet says

    “And what did he say when you told him I know the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and Wells?”

    He said, “I AM the baby-eating Bishop of Bath & Wells!! You haven’t any children, have you, Blackadder?”

    “No.”

    “Well, then, I’ll skip breakfast, and get right down to business. Have you my money?”

  97. noodles says

    #94: “Only garden gnomes have been banned. Mountain gnomes, river gnomes, and of course lesser great plains horned gnomes are still perfectly ok.”

    That’s nonsense. Because we can’t prove garden gnomes don’t exist (QED, they do exist). Doesn’t mean one can extrapolate and assert that imaginary mountain gnomes, river gnomes, and lesser great plains horned gnomes exist. In fact, a quick check of “dnd.wikia.com/wiki/Gnome” makes no mention of these alleged varieties of gnomes. You have the right to free speech but when you mock other people’s beliefs you cross the line.

  99. paradoctor says

    Let’s be fair, folks, the reasons they give are indeed absurd, but the real reasons are sound enough. Garden gnomes _are_ tacky fictions, and new-fangled to boot. Angels are tacky fictions too, but they’re traditional. The church is simply trying to ensure that all the tackyness in the cemetary is of a traditional sort. It’s an _artistic_ decision; they want to maintain a certain style.

    If you want pink flamingos over your grave, then you’d better find another cemetary.

  100. davem says

    Hmmm… methinks this guy is a repressed gnomosexual.
    ..and…
    Maybe the gnomes can talk about what it feels like to be rejected with Sarah Palin in Gnome, Alaska.

    Please, Gnome more jokes!

    PS So, being biblical, are unicorns and behemoths OK?

  101. davem says

    Hmmm… methinks this guy is a repressed gnomosexual.
    ..and…
    Maybe the gnomes can talk about what it feels like to be rejected with Sarah Palin in Gnome, Alaska.

    Please, Gnome more jokes!

    PS So, being biblical, are unicorns and behemoths OK?

  102. Johnnie says

    I think there should be a moratorium on the sale of potatoes to the clergy. Possibly a two week wait if they want to buy more than ten pounds at a time.

  103. Steve says

    I wish I lived closer to Bath or Wells. (The latter of which has a staggeringly beautiful cathedral; look it up.)

    My plan would be to sneak out and put atheist gnomes in the cemeteries at night.

    It might be fun to make it look like they were having a gnome dark mass…ooo! I know! I’d have them stamping on wafers…

  104. Nick Gotts says

    The ex-husband of a close friend works for the diocese of Bath and Wells (he’s a Christian, but a nice chap). I’ll have to find out whether he’s in any way responsible for this antignomian outrage!

  106. SEF says

    My main source book about gnomes is an English translation of a Dutch treatise “leven en werken van de Kabouter”. It focuses mainly on the Woodland Gnome – giving a fairly detailed account of their natural history and culture. But it also mentions the Dune Gnome, Garden Gnome, Farm Gnome, House Gnome and Siberian Gnome.

    There’s gnomention of the mountain, river and plains gnomes cited by others as examples of gnomes unaffected by this blatant anti-gnome discrimination. Nor, as it happens, are churchyard gnomes covered as a separate species.

    The map does show gnomes living in the relevant area. So, since gnomes do have Regional Councils, that would probably be the appropriate authority with whom to liaise over holding any form of protest in support of gnomes and against infringement of gnomish rights.

  107. xth_scholar says

    Am I the only one who thinks it’s promising that the Church of England is following the example of D&D in eliminating gnomes?
    One of the few spots of light in an otherwise dismal new edition has now been reciprocated by the Anglicans.
    Perhaps this is the beginning of a glorious rapprochement between religion and gaming.
    …or perhaps not.

  108. says

    Aren’t gnomes just worker cherubs? No wings, they don’t breed, provide food for the cherub hive with their little fishing rods.

    Genesis 3:24 – So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims

    Biblical proof that god created the first garden gnomes.