1. Scrofulum says

    “So is Jesus gonna be the final boss in the next Resident Evil . . .”

    Hope not, cos he’ll only come bacck and haunt you. Wooooooo!

  2. says

    “Hope not, cos he’ll only come bacck and haunt you. Wooooooo!”

    Dude, that’s awesome! It can be like Nightmare mode in Doom, where you kill Jesus but he respawns super fast and tries to overwhelm you. The only way to defeat him would be to staple him to a special cross somewhere in the vicinity of the Catholic League’s HQ.

  3. akshelby says

    If you click on the link, one of the comenters there has Jihad Envy and challenged her to do one about the Muslims. Some people have no sense of humor.

  4. Newfie says

    Ritualized cannibalism to gain immortality. Not to be confused with Pagan or Satanic rites.
    Our human flesh eating is the good kind.

  5. skyotter says

    there’s gotta be SOME way to tell the difference!

    just hang on, i’ll think of something …

  6. Kerry says

    skyotter #10 –

    Zombies have a greater probability of happening than a cracker and some wine being transformed into the bastard son of a virgin and an invisible sky being.


  7. says

    Mass or Zombie Takeover

    Like others above, I fail to see the difference between the choices given.

    Hell, the two even share a penchant for attacking and destroying healthy brains.

  8. JonathanL says

    there’s gotta be SOME way to tell the difference!

    just hang on, i’ll think of something …

    The catholics have an adversion to brains? :)

  9. says

    There is little in the historiography to indicate that zombies drink blood. Check out the classic works in the field- Oral History of the Zombie War and the Zombie Survival Guide.

  10. Eli says


    Yes, they do have an aversion… otherwise they would have the brains to get out of there.

  11. Jared Lessl says

    #15 – World War Z

    Awesome, I was smack in the middle of reading this one. Can’t wait to get my paws on the Survival Guide.

  12. speedwell says

    What about the other overlaps?

    – Drinking blood/eating flesh: Animal predation?
    – Drinking blood/droning crowds: Live-action vampire role-playing games?
    – Eating flesh/droning crowds: Church barbecues? Family reunions? The Minnesota state fair?

    Help me out, guys.

  13. JoJo says

    …otherwise they would have the brains to get out of there.

    Hence the zombie cry for brains.

  14. says

    We struggle in vain to distinguish a Mass
    From your typical Zombie behavior
    As they guzzle down red by the bottle or glass
    And delight in Filet of Our Savior.

    Perhaps it’s a matter of what’s on the menu;
    Your Catholic is more of a snacker,
    But if you feel teeth on your shoulder, why, then you
    Know zombies want more than a cracker.

    I worry it’s some sort of slippery slope
    Where they struggle ‘gainst gravity’s chains
    And I wonder if Ratzinger got to be Pope
    By eating the Cardinals’ brains.

  15. says

    Sweet Zombie Jesus!

    Nah. He must be pretty stale by now.

    That’s why he’s been eaten with a thimble of Vin e’Gar several times a year, for c.2000 years: To keep him fresh and moist.

  16. speedwell says

    Hooray Cuttlefish! LOL @ the mental picture of standing in a pew at church, placidly singing along to a hymn, when *CRUNCH* and I look down and the nicely-dressed-and-hatted lady in the pew behind me attempts to smile with her teeth embedded in my shoulder… this reminds me somewhat of the backstabbing biddies in the Baptist church where I married my ex-husband…

  17. Bride of Shrek OM says

    “there’s gotta be SOME way to tell the difference!

    just hang on, i’ll think of something …”

    Zombies probably have a better sex life than the average Christian.

  18. Dan says

    Two cannibals are talking. One of them says to the other: “I ate an atheist today, but I would have rather eaten a Christian.”

    “Why is that?” says the second.

    “Well, I really like soul-food……” Says the first.

  19. Dan says

    A life long atheist dies and soon finds himself waking up upon a cloud of extraordinary softness. As his eyes become adjusted to the brilliant light that seems to be coming from everywhere he begins to notice androgynous beings with white wings carrying golden harps. His ears begin to notice the sweet sounds of choirs of thousands that seem to be singing the sweetest of hymns. Soon he notices a bearded man with long hair, and a long white robe of the finest material ever seen.

    He runs over to the guy with the beard and says: “Sweet Jesus I’ve been an atheist all my life, and all I ever did was make fun of others for their beliefs. I never would have thought that I would end up here – if anything I figured I’d go to hell.”

    The bearded guy looks puzzled for a moment and says to the atheist (just about the time that the choir music began to get on his nerves, and the light began irritating his eyes) “My child, for you this IS hell…”

  20. Bride of Shrek OM says

    As someone who used to be Catholic I beg to differ. Maybe in other parts of the world the distinction is maintained but here in Australia “christian” is a more generic term and a catholic certainly does identify as christian.

    Hell, I had surgery last week and on admission I was asked to identify on the forms as christian/muslim/other. I kid you not those were my three options. I scratched a big line on it and wrote atheist over it. Since I wasn’t smoted down under anaesthetic or anything I figure St.Andrew’s Hospital, Ipswich is under the big guy’s radar.

  21. Dan says

    An old atheist is in a nursing home. He likes to walk around, but has to use a walker. He constantly gets his gown stuck under the feet of the walker, and he always says: “dammit to south Georgia!” when his gown gets caught.

    Finally one of the nurses can’t take it any more and says: “Mr Myers why do you keep saying ‘dammit to south Georgia’ when your gown gets caught?

    Old Mr. Myers turns a jaundiced eye to the nurse and says: “I’m an atheist, so I can’t believe in hell, but for me, the middle of the Bible-belt is the closest thing to it.”

  22. says

    What? You mean all you need to pacify zombies is an industrial supply of crackers? The movies had me believing that you need a CROSS! WTF?

  23. Holbach says

    Dan @ 33 That is atrocious. Which of your heads constructed such dreck? Perhaps a switch from Mad Magazine to Reason magazine will provide you with a little more availability of sappy pap.

  24. Dan says

    “What, me worry?”

    I think I learned in Catholic school that it was once the motto of the Spanish Inquistion……

    “So much torment possible – such a piss poor internet connection!”

  25. Marty says

    Bride @ 32:

    Catholics identify themselves as christians, but here in the states, fundies and evangelicals do not consider them christian.

  26. gaypaganunitarianagnostic says

    Aren’t zombies unfortunate haitians who are kept doped for cheap labor?

  27. Holbach says

    Dan @ all over the place. Enough of your pathetic droll dreck jokes. Where did you get that crap from, bishop Fulton J Sheen? Of course; that moron has been dead for many years and has given them in legacy to you to beguile us with. What puke!

  28. Holbach says

    Dan @ all over the place. Enough of your pathetic droll dreck jokes. Where did you get that crap from, bishop Fulton J Sheen? Of course; that moron has been dead for many years and has given them in legacy to you to beguile us with. What puke!

  29. says

    You know, I was going to ask about why the “or” was there in “mass or zombie takeover”, but at least a dozen people so far have beaten me to it. *sigh*

    Of course, it didn’t stop me…

  30. windy, OM says

    Dan, that’s just lame. Here’s how it’s done:

    A man walks into a talent agent’s office with his trophy wife, three kids and two cats, carrying a wafer and a rusty nail…

  31. MikeM says

    Well, here’s my take on

    Zombie Takeover

    I view it as more of an “Also known-as.”

    How can you tell the difference between the two? Not relevant. They’re the same thing.

  32. Dan says

    Holbach #40

    Ha! You ancephalic dolt! (pinhead in case you don’t understand) I really think that you need to lay off the self abuse for awhile, before the testicular atrophy becomes irreversible! Just STOP! while there is still time.

    Man you made that same post TWICE – hands off the groin, okay?

    As for me, as a Catholic, masturbation is considered sinful – so my ‘cohones’ are huge. HUGE!! I tell you.

  33. says

    so that explains my small ‘cohones” and large other parts… not, of course, being catholic any more, heh. Not that I really ever was….

  34. eigenvector says

    I love “Indexed!” Highly recommend it to everyone wanting/needing a refresher course in logical thinking! Might I suggest a slight modification in this case: “Mass a.k.a. Zombie Takeover.”

  35. True Bob says

    Dan, who told you masturbating was sinful? Your balls aren’t huge, you suffer from blue balls. Now take it the pews and relieve the pressure.

  36. says

    Dan, have you gotten what it is you’re after yet? Or are you such a loving christian that your only purpose here is to irritate those you accuse of being so low as to only wish to irritate?

  37. Holbach says

    Dan @ 47 You are an evolutionary abberration, lower than slime mold, and what comes out of your rectum after entering your pathetic brain and mouth, is your god and all it’s inherent and imaginary cesspit puke. You are not worth the dust which the rude wind blows in your face. When you die you will be forgotten in your vermin infested carcass, lying in the ground and forgotten by your phony god, without a whimper, without a prayer.Where is your god now, you subhuman?

  38. says

    This is awesome. The comments are wonderful.

    Dan @ 47, you should know (and I can tell you this as someone who paid attention in Physiology) that that’s not how your nuts work.

  39. Holbach says

    JStein @ 53
    We aim to amuse, please and inform, mostly the latter through a generous slathering of abject ridicule.

  40. jorge666 says

    All this talk about blood and zombies reminds me that Halloween is just about around the corner. I’m already seeing the ridiculous porch productions on sale at COSTCO. Shiver me timbers….which reminds me, when is “Talk like a Pirate Day” around here???

  41. clinteas says

    Cuttlefish,awesome,thank you !

    This Dan troll’s displayed zombie-like braindeadness all over various threads is reaching a degree of annoyance that Im looking lovingly at my killfile.

    Funny how many zombie-like stuff is going on in the various religions,maybe those myths have a common ancestor somewhere.

  42. Phlogiston says

    So a really curious thing just happened. I forwarded the link to this post to a friend in Australia. He wrote back with the following: “That one took me a moment — mass — but not in the atomic sense!”

    I, an American, immediately understood “mass” to mean “Catholic mass.” My friend, an Australian, initially understood “mass” to mean “atomic mass.” Hell, I’m a flaming atheist and “atomic mass” never even occurred to me. I am reeling in shock! Must have Zanax with gin and tonic. ‘Scuze me…

  43. k9_kaos says

    It makes me wonder how Jesus must have felt at the Last Supper. “Cannibals to the left of me… Vampires to the right of me… I’m going MAD!!!

  44. Darwin's Minion says

    Further similarities between Sunday morning mass and the zombie apocalypse: you come out of it feeling slightly hungry and annoyed.

    Though, given the choice, I’d take the zombie apocalypse. At least it has chainsaws.

  45. Ichthyic says

    Dan=attempt at zombie humor.

    now it becomes apparent why we must shoot zombies in the head.

  46. johannes says


    > You ancephalic dolt!

    The correct spelling is anENcephalic

    > (pinhead in case you don’t understand)

    and what you mean with ‘pinhead’ is microcephalia, not anencephalia. If you really feel the need to insult people, at least learn the correct terminology!

  47. Dan says

    Holbach, your comment#47 is pretty good. Is Don Rickles related to you in some way? You are the “EdMcMahon” to P.Z.’s “Carson.”

    Way to go!

  48. Holbach says

    johannes @ 63
    I take note of Dan’s misspelllings, syntax, grammar and overall presentation in his comments, but ignore them in lieu of concentrating on his irrational spewing. Since his brain is besotted with that insane crap he is not as attentive to exactness as he is to getting that crap down quickly, perhaps with trying to overrun us with the crap at hand.

  49. says

    I for one actually enjoyed Dan’s jokes… well only the joke. on #31.

    Number 29 was pretty shite, and #33 looses its funny side pretty quick.

    But, #31, wow that really made me think. That would be hell!!
    Imagine listening to non stop choir music! Especially the old Catholic ones, I for one actually enjoy a couple of the Hillsong Groups songs (but I do of course refuse to support them!)

  50. John Phillips, FCD says

    Dan: it isn’t the music or even your bright lights that would make it hell. After all, I for one greatly enjoyed singing in the choir as a teenager, even after discovering my atheism. However, what would really make it hell for us would be having to share it with a bunch if godbots like yourself for all eternity. Now that truly would be hell, far, far worse than the more traditional fire and brimstone image of hell.

  51. Luke the Lurker says

    I must agree.
    I can only take so much of people who argue illogically… That would probably be why most of my friends are Atheists…

  52. SteveM says

    Bride @ 32:
    Catholics identify themselves as christians, but here in the states, fundies and evangelicals do not consider them christian.

    They consider them Papists. But even so, I think it is not so much that they deny that Catholics are christian (lowercase “c”) but to emphasize that “Christians” are not Catholic, that they follow the word of Jesus directly and not the dictates of a Pope.

  53. SteveM says

    Religious distinction? A pig in satin is still a pig.

    I don’t understand, I’m not claiming either one is better, but they are distinct. I was commenting on,

    …but here in the states, fundies and evangelicals do not consider [Catholics] christian.

  54. Holbach says

    SteveM @ 72
    I was not belittling your comment per se, but just using that old expression to denote that any religion that has as it’s tenet a belief in imaginary gods are all similiar in the matter of that main belief. I am not making any distinction between the sects but just a blanket expression that covers all religions. Methodist, Lutheran, catholic etc; all religions with a belief in an imaginary supreme being. If the pig was dressed to look like Ben Stein, no matter; it’s still a pig.

  55. Patricia says

    Holbach, Perhaps you should recommend brain surgery to Dan, as you did to Max last night.
    That wisecrack made me laugh out load so hard my dog started barking in surprise.

  56. Holbach says

    Patricia @ 74
    Heck, that brain readjustament did not seem to have any effect on Max; perhaps the whole brain should have been removed and replaced with a turnip. In Dan’s case, we can give him the complete overhaul; occipital, parietal, frontal, and clear down to the amygdala which will leave him free of his fear of the imaginary. Better yet, let’s go hog wild as with Max and replace Dan’s brain with a log. Then he can honestly say that he is incapable of any lucid thought or behavior. Brain surgery can become an art and very useful in controlling the ravages of religion. You think there is a god? Fine. We’ll relieve you of that pernicious derangement with a little close work on your coffee break. Of course if things went awry you may have visions of donuts instead of gods. But hey, proselytizing on donuts won’t hurt anybody. “Did you speak to donut today?” What a hoot, from gods to donuts in one easy snip!

  57. Patricia says

    Do you ever listen to Free Thought Radio? I usually always have it running in the background. It’s very good. I get the FFRF newspaper and enjoy every page. The church crooks and molesters pages are pretty hard to take.

  58. Holbach says

    Patricia @ 77

    Oh yes, I listen several times a week to Free Thought Radio on line. Great stuff. I used to belong to FFRF but dropped out a few years ago; will get back in as the need is so important now. Annie Laurie Gaylor and I were with American Atheists when Madalyn Murray O’Hair ran it. We need these organizations more than ever to stem the onslaught of insane religion. Have you read Annie’s book “Women Without Superstition: No Gods, No Masters’?

  59. Patricia says

    No, I haven’t read No Gods No Masters, but I will order it. I do have Woe to the Women, The Bible Tells Me So, it’s a really good reference. It would make me so mad that I would have to leave it alone!
    The End of Biblical Studies by Hector Avalos is tough going in places. If he does make a really good case for the end of biblical teaching a lot of people are going to hate him worse than Dawkins.
    You will get a horse laugh out of this – what started me down this path, the first pebble in my shoe so to speak, was The Da Vinci Code. I got furious at Dan Brown and started doing research. Robert Price has me stumped, I don’t know whether to buy his latest book or not.

  60. says

    I already have my Talk Like a Pirate Day posts scheduled; but why is it September 19th? Blackbeard’s birthday?

    And is there somewhere I can sign in here so I don’t have to keep re-entering my identifying information?

  61. says

    It also took me a minute to realize that “Mass” meant “religious ceremony of ritual cannibalism.” My first thought was “mass of what?”

  62. CosmicTeapot says

    Dan @47

    “As for me, as a Catholic, masturbation is considered sinful – so my ‘cohones’ are huge.”

    So you’re not having sex then? Explains a lot!