I thought I’d never vote for a vampire, but…

So, in the last election, we Minnesotans briefly enjoyed the company of a vampire running for governor. Unfortunately, Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey was arrested before the election and we missed out on the potentially amusing spectacle.

Somehow, though, he is now free (damn those cunning vampires!), and is planning to run for president. As a most interesting and admittedly tempting part of his campaign platform, he is promising to impale GW Bush if elected.

He’s crazy, I wouldn’t have given him a chance, but dang if he didn’t come up with a vote-getting idea. They’re cunning, those vampires, they’ve had centuries to think up these plans. If he tossed Cheney in as a bonus, he might just sweep the election.


  1. says

    Actually, he does promise to impale Cheney too. Well, “Chaney,” actually (I guess vampires can’t spell very well). Others that he promises to impale include Osama Bin Laden (whom he promises to impale at Ground Zero), Fidel Castro, Donald Rumsfeld, Shirley Phelps-Roper, O. J. Simpson, Louis Farrakhan, and the entire Speedway, IN Police Department.

  2. says

    The headline when I click through to the Columbia Chronicle says that Sharkey is a santanic (not satanic) vampire– does this mean that he worships Santana?

  3. says

  4. says

    As for his “threat” against the President, it’s really more of a campaign promise. Keep in mind that he’s only said he would impale Bush after he became president himself… and haven’t we all learned by now that “if the president does it, it means that it is not illegal”?

  5. Ribozyme says

    And don’t forget to include Karl Rove, Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Perle, and my compatriot Alberto Gonzalez (who considers quaint the Geneva Conventions, and torture of prisoners of war acceptable; by his own expressed ideas, impalement would be an acceptable punishment)in the future impalement list.

    Those secret service people sure are silly. They previously investigated a teenager rock band in a high school talent contest for singing “Masters of War”, by Bob Dylan. It’s a great song with a great message. Some of the parts that made the SS (what a coincidence in terms!) nervous might be:

    You that never done nothin’
    But build to destroy
    You play with my world
    Like it’s your little toy

    You put a gun in my hand
    And you hide from my eyes
    And you turn and run farther
    When the fast bullets fly

    You fasten the triggers
    For the others to fire
    Then you set back and watch
    When the death count gets higher

    You hide in your mansion
    As young people’s blood
    Flows out of their bodies
    And is buried in the mud

    Let me ask you one question
    Is your money that good
    Will it buy you forgiveness
    Do you think that it could

    I think you will find
    When your death takes its toll
    All the money you made
    Will never buy back your soul

    And I hope that you die
    And your death’ll come soon
    I will follow your casket
    In the pale afternoon

    And I’ll watch while you’re lowered
    Down to your deathbed
    And I’ll stand o’er your grave
    ‘Til I’m sure that you’re dead

    I think they found that the shoe fit…

  6. eSteve says

    In other vampire-related news, do check out the decidedly cool vampire who plays a central role in the new Peter Watts novel, “Blindsight.” This is no cheesy, I-vant-to-suck-your-bluuud vampire, either. Watts, a former biologist, creates a reasonably plausible backstory where vampires really existed (as cannibal predators), went extinct around the Pliestocene, but nevertheless remained embedded in our collective unconsciousness.

    In the book, set in the near/middle future, the vampires are reconstituted through advanced genetic engineering (a’la Jurassic Park) because we need certain traits and advantages they have.

    All the characters are totally creeped out by the vampire (with good reason). Along with the other plot elements, he adds a satanic fizz to an already potent mix of claustrophobic horror.

  7. Kagehi says

    Actually, I think this guy hasn’t been using the proper vampire sun screen. Isn’t staking supposed to used “on” vampires and exsanguination the proper means for the vampire to do someone in? lol

  8. Paul W. says

    Kagehi, you (and a number of other people) may be missing the historical reference to Vlad the Impaler, a.k.a. Vlad Drakul, an actual historical figure who was the inspiration for Dracula.


    The real guy who was mythologized into Dracula, the most famous vampire, was known for some rather severe punishments, particularly impaling a lot of folks.

    Jonathon seems to know his precedents better than most of the article-writers. (And his predecedents, such as Vlad III and “Chaney.”)

  9. Kseniya says

    Geez, dontch’all ya’ll watch Buffy? A “Santanic” vampire worships (or draws his power from) Santa. One who worships (or draws his power from) Santana would be a “Santanaic” vampire.

    San-TAN-ik …. San-tan-AY-ik …

    It is a subtle, but important, distinction.

    James Blunt, on the other hand, is clearly a Nemcovayan.

    Ribozyme: Maybe the band should have played “Idiot Wind” instead?

  10. Azkyroth says

    A vampire planning to impale Bush and Cheney?

    Good grief. Whatever happened to professional courtesy?

  11. says

    Well, in his defense, he did say that he would try Bush for his crimes and then impale him.

    Apparently even vampires have more repect for the law than Bush does.

  12. sSteve says

    Hat tip to jackd for the link to the Peter Watts vampire presentation (above). Highly recommended if only for the hilarious self-serving corporate tag lines in the lower corner!

  13. says

    Paul W: I have it on the (limited) authority of a Romanian-born classmate that Vlad the Impaler is remembered as a hero in Romania because he was tough on crime, prostitutes, etc.

    As for this nut case … actually, I would have prefered that Mr. Bush be Saddam and Milosovic’s roomies in some prison at the Hague, but …

  14. Jon H says

    “As for this nut case … actually, I would have prefered that Mr. Bush be Saddam and Milosovic’s roomies in some prison at the Hague, but …”

    That could still be arranged…

    Might be a little…. pungent.

  15. Xanthir, FCD says

    Should I be sad that I’m the first to notice this? The reporter couldn’t even bother to spell lycan correctly – he went for “Likens”, which I’m sure is the hooked-on-phonics phonetic spelling.