THIS JUST IN:
Who isn’t ready to EXPLORE FLORIDA? Just ignore this wrongly titled graph from today’s New York Times:
What this graphic actually shows is the number of new virus cases per million residents in four states since March 15, 2020, not the “last seven days,” with Florida skyrocketing over the last two weeks from less than 500 cases to over 2,000. But either way, it’s just more FAKE NEWS from LOSERS!
So that’s an enthusiastic YES from me! I am 100% ready to explore closed theme parks and crowded beaches! And where else could I better explore over-capacity hospitals and ICUs with ventilator shortages? Not to mention the Millions of Maskless MAGA Minions? OMG I LOVE CULTURAL ANTHROPOLOGY.
Sunday’s edition of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver captured some of Palm Beach County’s citizens sharing their… um, interesting thoughts on wearing masks. But this only entices me to want to explore more! More Florida counties! More Maskless MAGA Minions!
WHERE. DO. I. SIGN. UP.
What’s that? Oh, right, I totally forgot I could explore the Caribbean instead! In fact, I totally forgot I already have a safe destination: I will only go to my own home on my own private Caribbean island! OBVIOUSLY.
Of course my staff will have to quarantine themselves there for two weeks before my arrival, but that’s hardly an inconvenience (to me) as long as they bring their own food this time and stay the fuck out of my wine vault George (yes I know it was you). Just as the cover of that EXPLORE FLORIDA & The Caribbean magazine depicts, my partner and I will be napping and sunning ourselves on the bow of my sailing yacht while the crew navigates us safely to the shores of Iris Island, while keeping us well-fed and very well-cocktailed during our languorous journey.
Gotta run! I need to order my crew to get quarantining on my yacht right away: we set sail in two weeks!
Picture of my boat Eos approaching Iris Island
taken by George (one of my butlers,
whose last name I forget).