BREAKING: Suicide terrorist squirrel attack in Chicago.

In a speech to Chicago’s city council last month, Alderman Howard Brookins bravely railed against the plague of aggressive, supersized squirrels (!!!) eating their way through the city’s trash cans, and called for efforts to stop the horrifying menace.

He never saw it coming.

Out cycling on the Cal-Sag Trail on Nov. 13, Brookins was jumped by a kamikaze squirrel that leapt into the front wheel of his bike and lodged himself in the spokes, sending the alderman flying over the handlebars.

The attack cost the squirrel its life and left Brookins needing surgery and other treatment for a broken nose, a fractured skull and five or six teeth that were knocked out in the accident.

Brookins is facing months of recovery, including multiple surgeries.

“I can think of no other reason for this squirrel’s actions than that it was like a suicide bomber, getting revenge,” he said.

Anti-squirrel activists are now being targeted directly. Stay alert, people.


  1. Sophy says

    SSS, Suicide Squirrel Squad. They’ve nearly got me a couple of times. The bike trail near here can be very perilous.

  2. Ichthyic says

    Just saw this, and was about to alert you!

    Hey, you’ve made it abundantly clear WHY squirrels should die… as if we didn’t suspect already… but who is actually in charge of dealing with the menace at large?

    Homeland Security?


    because they be slackin’

  3. Ogvorbis: I have proven my humanity and can now comment! says

    See? See? And you wonder why I profess to like the little things?

  4. Crimson Clupeidae says

    I’ve seen something similar happen to a buddy of mine on a motorcycle. Luckily it didn’t end with an accident, but it could have been much worse.

  5. Ogvorbis: I have proven my humanity and can now comment! says

    You will be pleased to know that I ran over two fucking squirrels this morning.

    Well, given the time of year, they were more likely fighting than fucking (though squirrels screw with such wanton and violent abandon, that fucking and fighting are almost indistinguishable), but they were doing it in the street and I ran over them. I could not brake (had a Dodge Powerwagon at my six o’clock), nor could I swerve (one lane one way street with parking on both sides — a Corvette on one side, a Prius and a Volt on the other side), so I ran over them.

    And I do feel bad about running them over. But I did my part to improve the net average intelligence of squirrels in the valley.

  6. says

    chigau: Truth be told, not so great. Burning bridges with Trump voters in my life and mourning those relationships (on top of typical seasonal melancholy) has been taking its toll. I am doing what I need to to keep myself safe and sane; fortunately for my partner and our friends, this includes a lot of cooking (Moroccan is my current obsession), and painting. I’m also rationing my exposure to social media and news feeds because I keep feeling blindsided, triggered by images and words of our new Sexual Predator in Chief with uncharacteristic frequency, even in obviously well-meaning/scathingly critical contexts. Thank you for asking. <3 How's things with you?

  7. chigau (ever-elliptical) says

    Seasonal shit.
    The SO and I have both had colds/coughs for over a month but thanks to some prescription cough syrup, we’re now sleeping through the night.
    Otherwise not bad.