Listen my children, and then discuss
The stupidity found in the Palin bus
At the end of May, and beginning of June,
A visit we can’t forget too soon
That the media types force-fed to us.

She said to supporters gathered there
In folksy phrases, full of charm,
“You patriots are all aware
That Paul Revere, he gave that alarm
By ringin’ that bell, and shootin’ that gun,
That red-blooded patriots weren’t gonna run
He was ready to ride to keep us free
And tell them all ‘don’t tread on me’
So, one if by land, and two if by sea”

Reporters there were heard to say
They hadn’t learned it quite that way
As writers, some were English-lit-ish
And questioned if he’d warned the British
Who were, of course, the enemy,
Invading us—by land or sea—
So Sarah missed a thing or three
Her more important task that night
Was “make the news”, not “get it right.”

Meanwhile, her teabag friend Michele
While touring in the Granite State
A fortnight sooner to this date
(Well, give or take a day or two)
Was misconstruing facts as well
Her “shot heard round the world” was great
New Hampshire, though, was heard to boo.

The Concord where the shot was fired
“Heard round the world,” you may recall
Was not New Hampshire’s town at all,
Thus not the one where she was mired.
It seems there may be no Repubs
Who haven’t uttered stupid flubs
Their grasp, it seems, of history
Is battered, bruised, and blistery,
And why they’re on the public stage
In this enlightened day and age
Is more or less a mystery

Reader Kathie has alerted me (and so, I alert you) to a bit of versical fun at the Washington Post. You are invited to submit your own poems, honoring those there great patriot types, Paul Revere and Sarah Palin.

For a while, I considered writing a verse the length of the original. Then, I slapped myself in the forehead and scolded myself for contemplating such a waste of time. But hey, maybe I’ll add on to what I have here. When I’m all caught up with more important things, like alphabetizing my socks.

Boy: Woof! There sure are a lot of people talking about this new scandal! I wonder what started it all!

Oh, I’m just a tweet
A congressional tweet
Just a photo that he’d like to delete
Well, if he’d stopped for a moment
Or considered just a minute
And thought “what would happen
If the whole world saw what’s in it?”
Now he wishes I would go away
And he hopes and prays that I will
But today I am still just a tweet

Boy: Gee, Tweet, that’s an awful lot of commotion over one picture!

Tweet: Well, I’m not just a tweet—I’m a lewd tweet by a Democratic member of Congress! I’m like a gift from the gods to the media, and especially to the right-wing pundits on Fox News! I started out small, but here’s the thing; any attempt to make me go away just makes me bigger! And any attempt to make me bigger, also makes me bigger!

Oh, I’m just a tweet
A congressional tweet
And he’s wishing that he’d been more discreet
Well it’s a long, long way
From initially denying
To a full press conference
With confessionals and crying
Now the media have come to play
They are sensing prey they can kill
So today, they are still on the tweet

Boy: Listen to the media talk! Is all that discussion and debate about you?

Tweet: Oh, it’s not debate; that would require more rationality. This is blood lust, and it’s only mostly about me. Some of it is about old grudges and insults, and I’m just a proxy issue. If they didn’t puff me up with importance, my story might die.

Boy: Die?

Tweet: Well, the news cycle is a stern taskmaster. But it looks like Fox News is going to run with me! Now the rest of the networks, papers, and websites have to choose whether they want me.

Boy: If they do, what happens?

Tweet: I’ll be the only thing on every media outlet until the next scandal hits!

Boy: Oh no!

Tweet: Oh yes!

I’m just a tweet
A congressional tweet
And the media are howling for meat
So now I’m stuck in the headlines
As a useful distraction
Diverting attention
From every other action
I’m the dirty laundry on display
Leading folks astray is my skill
So today I am still just a tweet

Boy: You mean there are other stories in the news, that people won’t see because they are focusing on you?

Tweet: Yes, that’s called the Modern Attention Span. The media believe you can only pay attention to one thing at a time, so that’s what they give you.

Boy: Wow, I guess it’s not easy to get out of the public eye when so many people have reason for you to stay, is it?

Tweet: No!

But how I hope and I pray that I will,
But today I am still just that tweet

News Anchor: Look! Sarah Palin said something stupid!

Tweet: Oh yes!!

The members of the media
Were moved, it seems, to tears;
They hadn’t seen such honesty
In far too many years
The congressman spoke openly
And did not try to hide;
He did not say “mistakes were made”
But rather, said “I lied”
He’d hurt his wife and family;
He’d hurt some friends he’d met
(Though they’d never met in person,
Merely on the internet)
His sin was, frankly, private,
And the public was not hurt;
He simply was a man who’d found
He rather liked to flirt.

The members of the media
Decided it was right
To keep his private troubles
From a harsh and public light;
They thought he’d had his punishment
Just facing them today
They thanked him for his troubles, and
They turned and walked away.

As virtually every news source in the world is reporting, Rep. Weiner has confessed. He did a bit of cyber-foolery, and lied about it.

I don’t recall Weiner as having been a moralizer, so I can’t easily laugh at him. He is in a world of hurt with his wife, but this is a big nothing, as scandals go. The measured response by the media should be… to leave it be.

So, how many weeks/months/years do you think they will actually drag it out?

Won’t you listen to my story
Cos it won’t take very long
It’s a tale about a Chinese boy,
Whose name was Little Zheng

Just a boy like any other
And he liked the latest stuff
But it costs a lot of money
And he didn’t have enough

So he thought about his problem
But he didn’t have a clue
Till he saw a notice posted
And he knew what he must do

If you’re feeling some frustration with your current situation
Here’s a little operation, if your conscience will allow
It’s a serious incision, but it’s done with great precision
It’s the rational decision if you want your money now

Little Zheng, he called the number
And they told him where to go
But he had to keep it secret—
It’s illegal, don’t you know

But he really needed money
Cos an iPad costs a lot
And a kidney was the only
Thing of value that he’s got

So he signed away his organ
And he vanquished any doubt
And they gassed him up, and laid him down
And cut the sucker out

If you’re feeling some frustration with your current situation
Here’s a little operation, if your conscience will allow
It’s a serious incision, but it’s done with great precision
It’s the rational decision if you want your money now

It’s a gory little story
But this isn’t where it ends
See, he got a lot of stitches
But he couldn’t show his friends

He devised a bit of fiction
But it wouldn’t get him far
And his mother got suspicious
So he had so show his scar

Now his story’s hit the big time
So I’ll make this guarantee
That this tale of Little Zheng’s is
Not the last one that we’ll see

If you’re feeling some frustration with your current situation
Here’s a little operation, if your conscience will allow
It’s a serious incision, but it’s done with great precision
It’s the rational decision if you want your money now

Yup, Xiao Zheng allegedly sold his kidney to buy an iPad and an iPod, the BBC reports. Video at the link. The cynic in me suspects that this story (mother’s shame and all) will result in a boom of kidneys available for rich people, and a new iPad market among teenagers.

Let us raise our voice in chorus
For that deep-fried, doughy torus
Though it’s not the best thing for us
It’s a super special treat

Found in bakeries or delis,
Dipped in sugars, filled with jellies,
We can stuff them in our bellies
Just as fast as we can eat

And it’s Donuts, Donuts, Donuts, and Hooray, Hooray, Hooray!
So let’s all go out and go nuts, saying Happy Donut Day!

Surely, nothing could be duller
Than a day without a cruller
In that toasted-almond color
So you know it’s cooked just right

I love fritters and berliners
Some say Boston Cremes are winners
Cider donuts for beginners
So you’re hooked at just one bite!

And it’s Donuts, Donuts, Donuts, and Hooray, Hooray, Hooray!
So let’s all go out and go nuts, saying Happy Donut Day!

In the US, the first Friday in June is, as you all know, National Doughnut Day (or National Donut Day). Rumor has it that both Krispy Kreme and Dunkin’ Donuts are handing out free donuts (or doughnuts) today. I don’t know; I’m on a diet. Besides, the best donut in the known universe (as determined by me, but objectively true nonetheless) is no longer being made. It was the apple fritter (don’t complain that it is not technically a donut–it is the perfection that every donut would want to be if were able to choose) made by a small bakery one town over from Cuttletown. I lived next door to that bakery 27 years ago, and never tired of those fritters. We moved away, and when I went back to visit over a decade later, they had discontinued their fritters! Customers just weren’t buying deep-fried pastries, so they got rid of the equipment (gasp!) and the recipe (horror!).

So, you can have your National Donut Day (or National Doughnut Day); for me, it is a day of mourning, for what was, for its time in the universe, the best possible argument for Platonic Ideals.

God is not dead; God never lived.
There was no God to begin with.
No Eden’s fall, no Hell at all,
No matter who you sin with.

There is no reason, is no plan,
And purpose, what we make it.
No god above—but merely love
For all who don’t forsake it

Ok, so quite some time ago I posted something about a “Socrates Exchange” program I had happened upon on the radio. For no particular reason, I was looking through past posts, clicked a link, and found the upcoming Socrates Exchange… rather annoying. “Is life ultimately meaningless?” is the question, but that doesn’t begin to tell the story. The real question is, if there is no god, is life meaningless? If there is no ultimate purpose, is life meaningless? And the odd thing is, those questions are assumed to be identical!

Most of the comments, thus far, suggest (reasonably) that purpose is what we make it. There are one or two that say God gives life purpose, and that the “if there is no god” clause is just silly. Ok, they don’t use that phrase.

What would be our purpose, if there was a god? I’d really like to know. How would it make our lives meaningful, if our purpose was to suck up to a deity? Might be nice for him/her/it/them, of course–might give h/h/i/t a purpose, much like stamp collecting gives a collector purpose–but what does that say about our own purpose?

If god gives us purpose, are we the equivalent of beany babies to a collector? More active, perhaps. Pawns? No, far less powerful. Goldfish?

I don’t think the Socrates Exchange people have really thought this through. True purpose must be our own, and cannot be god’s. It can only be determined by us–a false “ultimate purpose” (you may insert any god’s wishes here) is nothing but fantasy. Real purposes, our own purposes–learning about ourselves and our universe; making our world a better place; collecting all the beany babies–are, no matter how trivial, superior to god’s purposes in one very important way.

They are real.

(BTW, the actual program does not start for about a week, so if you have comments to add to their site, you could go a long way toward polishing the image of atheists/skeptics/humanists/cuttlefishists (or just plain humans) and our view of the world as it actually is.)

Just a quick note, because I am busier than I ought to be after handing in grades.

The Camp Quest fundraising challenge is over, and the clear winner is….

Camp Quest!

As for any other winners, you can take a look at the final tally here. Or a few other places, but I wanted to link to PZ’s because he’s wrong. It was actually ever-so-slightly closer than that, with a late donation to Team PZ.

The final numbers, for those who don’t wish to click…

Team Awesome: $13,550.06
Team PZ: $13,016.01

Matched amounts:
Team Awesome: $1,868.73
Team PZ: $1,640.00
Total Match: $3,508.73

Team Totals (with matches included):
Team Awesome: $15,418.79
Team PZ: $14,656.01

Grand Total Raised: $30,074.80

So, yeah, thanks to all who helped!

I’m looking for writing
That’s cool, or exciting,
Or just has a nice turn of phrase
That’s calm, or frenetic,
Or even poetic
There’s so many wonderful ways
Your favorites, selected,
Compiled and collected
For use, any way you see fit
So it’s time to get cooking–
Keep writing! Keep looking!
Go find all the best, and submit!

The background: Cuttlefish University does not have an atheist student organization. There are half a dozen Christian orgs, two Jewish orgs, and some sort of multi-faith thingie (no Muslim orgs, which my Muslim students have certainly noticed). I don’t feel it is my place to start a student organization, when I am not a student, but it certainly would be my place to offer to meet with any of the believers’ organizations as a “meet an atheist” day sort of thing.

Which brings me to the present, and to this post. I can certainly represent myself. But atheists have no central authority, no binding principles; we are privatively defined by our lack of belief in a god or gods. Someone could give the Catholic party line, but no one person can give the atheist perspective. I’m more than happy to share my own beliefs, but to really show these groups the breadth of atheist belief (because, of course, we do believe in stuff… just not in gods), I would like to be able to share other people’s beliefs as well.

In that context–an atheist, invited to address a group of believers–what would you propose should be read? I would like to develop a database of relatively short pieces (there are some wonderful books out there, but they are clearly too long a form for the current situation) that anyone could have access to, to augment their own experience in representing atheists while addressing religious groups.

So I ask–what essays have moved you? What stories would you want to share? Don’t limit this to well-known writers (but don’t neglect them!); don’t limit this to positive stories (or to negative!); don’t limit this to whitewashed or bowdlerized stories, if the unvarnished truth is what moved you; the whole point is to have a collection of real atheist voices, that anyone could draw upon to demonstrate “what atheists believe” or “who atheists are”. Be specific–not just “X is always worth reading”, but rather “this particular essay by X is perfect.”

I did a quick search before posting this–there are a few sites that seem somewhat related to my question, but frankly, none that fit what I am looking for. Certainly, I might have missed the perfect source–if so, please correct me! But if I am right, this could be a very useful resource. It will be available for anyone to pick and choose from, for their own “get to know an atheist” talks.

Please pass this on to others–nominate links in the comments. I will contact the authors for their permission, and will maintain the list to the best of my abilities. (I have no real ego, so if there is someone better qualified or better able to do so, let me know.)

And, for the record, anyone can use any of my verses in such a situation–consider this my explicit consent. I’ll likely look through and put just one or two verses into this collection, though.

For two things, actually–first, to decide which side gets to break out a razor, in the battle between Team PZ (a one-man-gang to be reckoned with) and Team Underdog (aka Team Awesome). For current totals, see PZ’s post here. The consensus is, PZ is an evil genius.

The second thing is, I just found an email (sorry, I was grading) that gives not a 20% discount, but a 25% discount, on my book. Just follow the link:

and use the code word CYBERMAY305, and save 25%–up to $500, if you order in bulk. (I keep mentioning this, but none of you own bookstores, it seems.)

Both of these good causes are toast at the end of the month. You can still give money to either, but it would be considerably more altruistic on your part.

Meanwhile… my grades are turned in, my parents have visited and left, the family is healthy. Almost makes me wish I had something to complain about.

Reminds me of a song I wrote a while ago–either a true story, or bitter sarcasm…

I’m in love with a beautiful woman
When she’s beside me I can’t lose
I’m in love with a beautiful woman
When she’s beside me I can’t lose
I’m so sad because I’m too happy to sing the blues

(chorus)
I got a ninety dollar necktie
Seven hundred dollar shoes
I got a ninety dollar necktie
Seven hundred dollar shoes
I’m so sad because I’m too happy to sing the blues

Don’t you give me no three wishes
Got no wishes I would choose
(X2)
I’m so sad because I’m too happy to sing the blues

(chorus)

I got everything I ever wanted in the whole wide world
Offer me more, I’d just refuse (go ahead, I dare you, make me an offer)
(x2)
I’m so sad because I’m too happy to sing the blues

(chorus)

Got more money than I can handle
It’s just me and Howard Hughes
(X2)
I’m so sad because I’m too happy to sing the blues

(chorus)

(etc.– at one point I had dozens of verses, I think…)

The Monster of Morris was loved and adored
He commanded the awesome Pharyngula horde
When he mentioned the contest, the mighty crowd roared
“We are stronger than even Chuck Norris!”
But the balance of power must soon be restored
We’ll defeat the Monster of Morris!

The call echoed over the length of the land
For the underdog team, it was cluster’s last stand
With a weekend to go, they were still down two grand
So they raised up their voices in chorus:
Won’t the generous atheists please lend a hand,
To defeat the Monster of Morris!

Now the underdog team has a simple request:
If in humankind’s future you’d like to invest,
There are many good reasons to give to Camp Quest
And no reason at all to ignore us
The underdog team could be best of the best
And defeat the Monster of Morris!

The humanist, atheist, free-thinking kind
Who look not to heaven but to their own mind
Are asking the folks who are likewise inclined
To support, you don’t have to adore us
But the power of many, when all are combined
Can defeat the Monster of Morris!

Forgive us, I ask, if we poke or we prod
But I’m really concerned for the underdog squad
And we won’t have the help of some meddling god
Like Jehovah or Hermes or Horus
We rely on our readers to overcome odds
And defeat the Monster of Morris!

We are at the final weekend. If you were waiting, wait no longer. This is a good cause, no matter who wins, but I like underdogs. Hell, I’m a Browns fan.

So, if you have friends who might be interested, forward this along. Relatives? Neighbors? Pets? The odds are against us, but there are very few odder than me. Hey, if you are in good with some creationists, tell them they can rub PZ’s nose in it. Their money still works.

Here–read Greta Christina’s last-ditch post if you need context. Or you could just trust me, and forward this to all the benevolent millionaires on your list.