With Due Respect To Stephen Fry, A Message To God…

I’ve been looking at the evidence
I thought was out of reach—
Like those disappearing footprints
As I walked along the beach

Cos it wasn’t when You carried me
Instead, to my surprise,
You were cruelly putting parasites
In little children’s eyes

You were giving infants cancer,
You were letting toddlers die
You were offing mums and daddies
And were never saying why

Now I’m standing here before You
I am truly, rightly pissed
You were more deserved of worship
When You didn’t… well, exist.

If You couldn’t stop the torture
If You couldn’t stop the pain
If there wasn’t claimed omnipotence
There’s nothing to explain

There was never need to hate You
There was never need to care
There was never need to blame You
When I knew that You weren’t there

But I’m standing here before you—
Unexpected Judgment Day—
And you’ve got some nerve, demanding
What it is I have to say!

What the fuck have You been doing?
Why in Hades should I care?
Why should anyone, at any time,
Believe that You are there?

You should kneel and beg forgiveness
From the people You have screwed—
If your “bible” held a message
It was largely misconstrued—

You should kneel and beg forgiveness
Though the concept may seem odd…
Or admit, all things considered…
You’re a fucking useless god.

Ok… if you haven’t seen Stephen Fry’s response to the question “what would you say to god?” (you can find Fry’s response here, or here, or probably half a dozen more), here’s the deal. You come face to face with God (they don’t specify–they never specify–which god)… what do you say to him-her-it-them-unspecifiedpronoun?

And yes, Fry is good. Utterly expectedly good. And I’ve seen his response just everywhere. Including in Christian sites that complain Fry is making waves (um… he is responding to specific questions), and/or claiming he is claiming to say something new (my goodness, these observations are centuries older than Fry, and could have been dealt with long ago… if they could have been dealt with).

Yes, there is an entire line of writing called “Theodicy” which has existed for centuries. The fact that Fry is able to ask the questions he does is evidence that questions like his (which have existed for thousands of years) have never adequately been answered. This is not Fry’s problem, this is theodicy’s problem.

Or…. fuck it. (sorry, just got an email from my parents that makes me despair about ever making a difference with anyone ever. Never mind.)


  1. Cuttlefish says

    Ok, frankly, whether good or bad, if something I write can put someone in mind of Twain, I will not complain.

  2. cafeeineaddicted says

    ” (they don’t specify–they never specify–which god)”

    Actually in this case they kind of do. A reference to the Pearly Gates is made, a clear nod to the popularized view of Christian heaven.

  3. michaellatiolais says

    Even calling it the Christian heaven leaves us with dozens, if not hundreds, of versions to choose from.

  4. ali alu says

    Only a fool would say their is no… Of course god is watching and is closer than your jugular vain but you don’t speak your limbs will testify against you the fire in hell is much hotter than anyone can imagine and whoever enters it only suffers for eternity this world will feel like a blink of your eye and that kid with cancer won’t remember the pain it went through as paradise is for ever

  5. John Morales says


    memehunter, alas, Christianity has already harvested the low-hanging allegorical fruit (“… some seeds fell on rocky ground …”), making you seem derivative.

  6. Linda Grilli Calhoun says

    I don’t know what your criteria are for “making a difference”, but you certainly have made me laugh, made me think, and made my day on several occasions.

    Thank you. L

  7. A Hermit says

    That bit about the eye-eating parasites brings to mind Monty Python’s “All things dull and ugly” (to the tune of “All Things Bright and Beautiful.”)

    …All things scabbed and ulcerous,
    All pox both great and small,
    Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
    The Lord God made them all.


  8. EigenSprocketUK says

    @Ali Alu #6, wow but you are a despicable person. You think that it’s OK to put an innocent child through pain and torment and tell yourself that it’s OK because they’ll get everlasting paradise?
    Stay away from me, and your pathetic god can stay away too. Your imaginary god could grant them paradise without putting them through torment first, but decides it doesn’t want to do that. Yuck. Your god manages the amazing trick of being simultaneously malign AND pathetic.

  9. Cuttlefish says

    Not to mention, there are bound to be a substantial number of those kids who suffer while alive, and are then sent to suffer in hell for eternity. The kid with cancer won’t remember cancer’s pain in that case either, because it will fade to nothingness in comparison. Isn’t god wonderful?

  10. says

    Cuttle, on the subject of your Question to the Great Norwich City Supporter (“On the ball City… go Canaries!!”).
    Do you know Hood’s Nocturnal Sketch. It starts “Even is come and from the dark park, hark ! The signal of the setting sun, one gun…”. Can’t remember any more, but the last line is wall to wall internal rhyme.

  11. says

    “whoever enters it only suffers for eternity this world will feel like a blink of your eye and that kid with cancer won’t remember the pain it went through as paradise is for ever”

    You’re not really making the case for God being good. Eternal punishment in hell for finite crimes is perhaps the most despicable aspect of Yahweh. Can you honestly think of anybody that deserves this level of torture? Even to Godwin myself – even Hitler under the most sadistic of punishments (and even granting that vengeance is valid) would I think be punished severely enough by personally experiencing all the suffering he caused 1000 times over. What type of sick being would make that torture go on forever?

    Also – punctuation is your friend.

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