Your Chance To Be A (Reality) TV Star

So… I just received an email
Sent especially to me;
Cos he’d stumbled on my blogging
And he’d really like to see
If I’d like to take my chances
On reality TV,
If I’m leaving the religion of my roots

Now, he doesn’t get the concept
Of a cuttlefish, I think;
Never seeking out the limelight—
Rather, hiding in my ink.
I would sooner find a little glass
Of cyanide to drink
Than engage in any televised pursuits

I guess I should be flattered
Though for me, it’s clearly wrong
But my readers might be braver,
So I’m passing it along;
If you’d like to test your courage
(Clearly, mine’s just not that strong)
If you want to try, he’s looking for recruits!

No, seriously. I got an email inquiring whether I would like to try out for a proposed reality TV show on people who have recently made a change, or are looking to make a change, in their spiritual lives. This is clearly not a job for a cuttlefish, let alone a Cuttlefish. Sure, I’ve got the telegenic looks, the witty repartee, the quiet confidence that draws others to me, and I naturally speak in rhymed heroic couplets… but I can’t stand those shows. This show (about which, more below) is by the people who give us “Breaking Amish” and “Amish Mafia”, among other shows. Sure, the shows are on networks that pretend to be sciencey, like NatGeo and the Science network… but I would sooner chew my foot off at the ankle. I’m not even curious about the money–there simply isn’t enough in the world, even with the house needing work and the car now 14 years old.

But I know full well I don’t represent everybody, and if someone else wants to give it a shot, I would not think any less of them. It could be a really nice project, a positive look at leaving religion that will open people’s eyes to that possibility, one that many never consider. So, yeah, this could be a really good thing… just not for me.

Anyway, the blurb:


Have you lived your entire life devoted to your spiritual beliefs? Do you constantly find yourself following along with your religious order even if you don’t necessarily agree? Whether you simply don’t believe in the customs and traditions, or are looking to branch away from your “extreme” religious lifestyle in a quest for self-empowerment, we want to hear from you.
An acclaimed television production company is searching for individuals who want to leave their religious communities. We are especially seeking people with unique personalities and compelling backstories, who have the courage to stand up for what they truly believe in.

To be considered, or to nominate someone, please write to us at with the following information [**if you are nominating someone else, please be sure to include their contact info, as well**]:
-Name & any nicknames
-Your city & state of residence
-Brief cover note discussing your story and religious background
-A few current photographs
-The best phone number(s) at which to reach you

Thank you for your time, and we look forward to hearing from you!


  1. Dave, ex-Kwisatz Haderach says

    Dear gord no! There’s no power on this planet that could compel me to want to be on tv. Pass, very much pass!!

  2. rikitiki says

    Yes, I’m leaving my religion
    ’cause I saw this on T.V.
    So it must be true, of course it is,
    Televised reality.
    And although misspelling’s common,
    Misunderstanding’s no real fun,
    I just think in their ‘reality’
    They forgot to lead with “Un”.

  3. Aaroninmelbourne says

    This show has a real chance of being hilariously awful. Think “This… is Big Brother” meets “My Strange Addiction” and you’ll have some host (which I’ll bet anything will be referred to…somehow… as “angel”) tugging at every string necessary to get people yo-yoing between “Finding Gawd” to “Feeling abandoned by Yahweh” to “Rejecting Gawd” and back again along with lots of bickering over how “you’re not an atheist, you’re agnostic!” and that “The reason you lost your faith must have been because something happened to you!”, replete with lots of tantrums, tears, pushing the camera away while simultaneously dancing in front of it, and amazing amounts of Bridezilla-worthy Drama Queen scenes in churches and on buses so that people “who still have faith” can condescendingly yet calmly tell the camera about how “sad” the “atheist” seems and that they “will pray” for the person to “find God again”.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, time to get popcorn.

  4. Dana Hunter says

    I got the same one. I larfed. It’s transparently damned obvious he’s not read me blog, and that company looks awful. It’d be great if our readers could get some cash money, though. One never knows, might be a good fit for someone.

    You should’ve emailed requesting a tank and extra ink for a defensive cloud. Heh.

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