But The Ads Are The Best Part!

There’s a psychic with an offer that is gonna change your life
And a site where Christians mingle if they’re looking for a wife
Politicians with petitions make you miss the “hanging chad”
But you’d never know that they exist, unless you read the ad

There’s a college in Virginia where they follow Jesus first
(Evolution is the enemy, and Darwin is the worst)
Where for several thousand dollars, you can claim that you’re a grad
But you’d never know it’s possible, unless you read the ad

You can tell the folks in Washington you’d like to fire them all
And replace them with a plumber, and a dancer, and Ron Paul
You can send Glenn Beck your money, just to make Obama mad
But you’d never know you’re not alone, unless you read the ad

There’s a T-shirt with a slogan that’s offensive to the right
And another that’s amusing, and exceptionally tight
You can decorate your clothing, matching every passing fad
But you’d never know it’s possible, unless you read the ad

There’s a pill to shape your body—add the muscle, lose the fat
Sure, it’s only a placebo, but there’s nothing wrong with that
You can jump-start your libido and revitalize your nads
But you’d never know it’s possible, unless you read the ads

You could make the pop-ups vanish, and there’s nothing you would miss
You could read your favorite writers in a quiet, ad-less bliss
Go ahead—you know you want to—it will really make you glad
They can do their best to irk you, but you’ll never see the ad!

In other words, our subscription, ad-free version of FtB is now up and running. Currently it’s Paypal only, but we (read: Jason) are working on opening it up for other methods.


  1. Anthony K says

    So, my $30 gets me no ads AND a free verse (not in free verse) by Cuttlefish describing the ads?!

    Is it my birthday? Can this be a regular feature?

  2. Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden says

    cuttlefish, I don’t say this often enough: you are a joy.

  3. John Horstman says

    Copy-edit: “Glenn Beck” has two Ns.

    This is easily the most delightful ode to advertising I’ve ever read!

  4. busterggi says

    But how else would I be repeatedly told that Mormonism is the only true Christian religion from Kolob?

  5. Trebuchet says

    Copy-edit: “Glenn Beck” has two Ns.

    Glen Benck?

    Eagerly awaiting the non-PayPal option.

  6. Joan says

    Since we’re on a quite fixed income
    I’ll continue not to look
    At the Mormon ads displayed here.
    Saving money for your book.

  7. chigau (違う) says

    When you teach your evening class, in costume, do you lecture in verse?
    If so, where do I sign up?

  8. says

    lol, but, honestly, the ads have improved around here the last couple months. On another tab, I’ve got an ad for Columbia’s Omni-Dry jackets. Nothing horrible about that. Here, I’ve got an add for All State insurance, Google (looks like an ad for businesses to by ads through them), a very cheap looking ad for what looks to be a company for helping set up websites (yeah, like I’m going to sign up for their help when their ad looks like s***) and… an MRA that wants men to “uncover the truth.” So only one of the four I have currently loaded on this page would be worthy of making it into a Cuttlefish verse.

  9. Johnny Vector says

    Alright then, that does it. I subscribe! Course the subscription is half what I’m currently donating. Okay, for now at least I’ll leave the donation turned on too. It’s still cheaper than a newspaper subscription, and I read y’all every day, and I’ve got enough spare coin to do it.

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