Jesus-Ween Coming Up!

Someone, on Twitter (I think it was @BugGirl) was pointing out that JesusWeen is a real thing. With the Cuttlekids out of the nest for the most part, I had forgotten that it was that season again.

Good Grief!

The dumbest thing I’ve ever seen
Is Jesus-Ween.

At Jesus-Ween,
the zombies walk the earth—well, one, at least.
At Jesus-Ween,
there’s blood and body, ready for the feast
At Jesus-Ween,
the demons are afraid to show their heads
At Jesus-Ween,
good boys and girls are safely tucked in beds
At Jesus-Ween,
good Christian children keep their bibles handy
At Jesus-Ween,
we all refuse to eat satanic candy
At Jesus-Ween,
we steal another holiday for Jesus
At Jesus-Ween,
we wonder why the other people tease us.

I suspect that if, after Charlie Brown had gotten a rock in his trick-or-treat bag, some other kid had gotten the little green Gideon bible, even Charlie Brown would have pointed and laughed.

Yes, it’s a re-run.


  1. eyeroll says

    With christianity being a cult of death, they should feel right at home during halloween. Recently, at the local baptist church there was a sign reminding us how much better off and happy we will be when we are dead.

  2. carpenterman says

    “…we steal another holiday for Jesus…”

    They didn’t steal this one; it’s always been a Christian holiday. All-Hallows eve; the night before All Saints Day, when the imps and demons would try to get in a night of mischief before the holy day. Turning the whole idea into a secular kid’s game is actually a step forward. Typical that these present-day fanatics would try to reclaim it by taking all the fun out of it.

  3. Rawnaeris, FREEZE PEACHES says

    Except that All-Hallows Eve was conveniently placed on top of Samhain. So it is yet another co-opted holiday.

  4. says

    First of all, the name is hilarious. Jesus-ween? That sounds utterly ridiculous. But I decide to go to the site to see exactly what was up. After wading through all the bad grammar and confusing syntax, here’s what I discovered.

    On the founder:

    A few days before Halloween, a word came to him to give out bibles to everyone knocking at his door expecting candy…All it took was putting a bible into every bag as they opened each bag with a smile. It was much easier than expected…

    That asshole. Some little kids who are just trying to enjoy themselves come knock on your door and smile at you, and you give them a bible instead of candy? What is that? Seriously, I can’t even. That would piss me off so much. I swear if I had kids and someone gave them a bible on Halloween I would probably lose my cool.

    On the benefits of getting children to participate in Jesusween:

    They will definitely be received by families as it is just natural not to turn a child down.

    What the actual fuck? Now you’re using your fucking kids to trick people into taking your bibles? Seriously?

    Other benefits:

    This will definitely result in church growth

    Yeah, because if some douche-bag hands me a bible instead of candy I am certainly going to want to go hang out with them on a regular basis.

    During Halloween people expect treats and the best treat is the truth.

    Oh, well in that case maybe we should hand out tiny copies of The Origin of the Species on Halloween.

    But in all seriousness, can you imagine the backlash if Muslims were handing out literature to kids rather than Christians? Everyone would flip their shit about there being a Muslim plot to brainwash America’s youth.

  5. says

    Never mind that Christianity already appropriated the day after the existing festival of Samhain (Celtic New Year) and called it “All Hallows’ Day”, renaming Samhain to “All Hallows’ Eve” — which eventually got corrupted to “Hallowe’en”.

    Anyone ever tried burning an effigy of Jesus on their 5 November bonfire, instead of Guy Fawkes?

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