Come back with me, babe, to my villa in France
It’s romantic as hell, and I might get the chance
To get in your—wait! What I mean is, to dance
With my lovely American girl
There’s a pool on the roof; I’ve got flowers, and wine,
And the view from the bedroom is frankly divine
There’s a slight little problem; it’s not really mine,
But I think we should give it a whirl

There’s a poster I’ve hung, that’s of Winnie the Pooh,
To imply I’m a teddy bear, crazy for you,
And to show I’m a rogue, there’s a pirate flag, too
Cos I’ve never known bad boys to fail
My American girl, such a beautiful date
But you didn’t show up, until three hours late
Then refused to come home, cos I didn’t quite rate…
Could you visit me, sometime, in jail?

True story of an insane seduction attempt gone predictably wrong, after the jump:

Via the Beeb—

A 31-year-old British man has caused thousands of euros worth of damage after appropriating a luxury villa on the French coast, media reports say.

The man, said to come from Manchester, reportedly broke into the home near Nice to create a love-nest for an American girl he had met.

He tried to create a romantic atmosphere with champagne, candles and rose petals sprinkled round a bed.

But his attempts to fill the empty roof-top pool flooded the house below.

It gets worse. Or better, depending on how you like your slow-motion train wrecks.

But, faced with an empty pool on the roof, he decided to fill it by turning on the outdoor showers and the garden watering system.

Then he left to go to Nice and meet his date, who turned up three hours late and refused to accompany him back.

When he finally returned he came face to face with the owner, an Italian businessman living on the French Riviera, who was horrified to discover that countless works of art had been damaged and that the ground floor of the home was knee-deep in water.

In a romantic comedy, everything would have turned out wonderfully, and the Englishman (played charmingly by Hugh Grant) would have gotten the girl (oh, let’s say, a much-too-young Zooey Deschanel), while the Italian businessman (overplayed by Kevin Kline) would have turned out to be an evil art smuggler getting his karmic comeuppance. This is why I hate romantic comedies.