Florida Trip part 2

We started at Magic Kingdom and went directly to Space Mountain, so I could conquer my fear of the ride. Of course I got stuck being in the very first car – but it was a lot of fun. I guess things aren’t exactly as scary as you remember them being from 12 years ago.Overall, I had a blast at Magic Kingdom. We went on pretty much every ride, and I don’t think we ever had to wait more than 15 minutes. Hooray for strategically using their Speed Pass system!

I almost couldn’t get through the bars because of my boobs.

I was also impressed by the amount of food they gave you for lunch. I was expecting to be ripped off by high prices, but they were all reasonable and I could never finish what they gave me. Though I did have a facepalm moment when a middle aged American woman asked the cashier what a taco was and needed a detailed explanation. She was seriously shocked by this exotic cuisine she had never heard of. What the fuck, America.All that’s missing is a scarlet A.

The one downside to Disney was that it was a ton harder to get a photo with any of the characters. There were way less characters than when I went at age 10, and there were always huge lines to get a photo with them. Last time you could just walk up to any character to get a photo. We ended up settling on a photo with Woody (Speaking of which, I can’t believe Toy Story came out when I was EIGHT. And now there’s Toy Story 3? Ugh, I field old.)Actually, I take that back: the other downside to Disney is all the annoying children. No, not children in general – Disney is more for them than for me, and they’re allowed to have fun and be loud and all that good stuff. I mean the kids who are running around completely unsupervised, or are throwing tantrums even though they have light-up color-changing Mickey Mouse balloons. No. Once you get that, you are not allowed to throw a tantrum for the next year.


And if you’re young enough that you can’t stay by your parent’s side, then mom or dad should be holding your hand. If not, I am probably going to step on you. Seriously, I have no idea how many little kids I trampled at Disney. I’m 5’11” and have big boobs. There’s a cone shaped blind spot around my feet, and if you’re under four feet tall and running at me because of the triple scoop ice cream you just ate (albeit most of it is on your face), you’re going to get kneed in the head.

Trying to get a weapon to keep away the hordes of children.


I’ve also come up with a great idea for a more terrifying replacement to the Haunted Mansion. It wouldn’t cost Disney a lot of money, since all they would have to do is combine parts of already existing rides:

  1. Take the acid-trip…I mean, honey-trip part of the Winnie the Pooh ride (formerly Toad’s Wild Ride).
  2. Take the scary Deliverance-like scenes from the Splash Mountain ride.
  3. Let the robots from It’s a Small World go without maintenance until they’re slightly falling apart and have ragged movements.
  4. Slow the It’s a Small World music down, lower it an octave, and then make it slightly off key.

Fucking terrifying. (And yes, I went on It’s a Small World, mainly because Ben had never been on it. And yes, the ride decided to stop while we were in the final room. If the US ever needs new interrogation techniques, there you go.)Other random observations about the Magic Kingdom:

  • Alien Encounters was turned into some stupid Lilo and Stitch thing! What the hell. That was my favorite ride from last time, and it was legitimately scary. Now it’s just Stitch spitting on you. Lame.
  • Apparently they’re now selling Hooker Minnie Mouse:
  • The designated smoking area was called Miner’s Cove. This made me giggle.
  • We accidentally got on this horrible ride/theater thing about progress, mainly because Jeff thought it was something else. The only comical thing was when they got to the scene about a family living in the “future,” it looked like the late 90’s. I mean, their video game had graphics worse than an N64. This small amusement was not worth them singing “It’s a great big beautiful tomorrow” over and over and over…
  • My friends were all going to pitch in to get me a Fairy Princess Makeover. Thank goodness the line was always full of little girls, and they didn’t want to take the opportunity away from them to see me in gaudy sparkly makeup. Especially because this is pretty much how I feel about the Disney Princesses.
Sweet Jesus this could have been me. Except I would have totally picked Belle or Mulan.

We ended up eating at the Winnie the Pooh buffet area. The food, at the time, was the most delicious thing I ever ate. This is almost entirely due to the fact that I was exhausted and starving, especially since we had to wait an hour to get in. In retrospect, it was the same quality as Old Country Buffet and cost $35. The perks were 1) The ability to go back for seconds, thirds, and fourths (hey, we’re college students) and 2) Photos with Tigger, who’s badass. We were all so full we started making jokes about how we were going to have foodbabies later (yes, that’s a poop joke). I was extra classy and joked that maybe I should go have a food abortion (vomit) since I felt so full. Our waiter happened to walk by right at that moment and give me a strange look. Note to self: refrain from poop and abortion jokes in Disney World. Hey, at least I didn’t say it in front of Winnie the Pooh!

By the end of the day, I had come up with a new ride for Disney: Sleeping Beauty. All they would need are a bunch of beds for adults, and a separate play room for children. I think that ride would have the longest wait in the park.

I also bought the most adorable Fat Mickey:
Vanessa: (after buying a Fat Buzz Lightyear) I wonder if they have a Fat Woody.
Me: *laughs like a five year old for about a half hour*
Vanessa: …It was a serious question :(


  1. DEstlund says

    You know what came out when I was eight? Tron, that’s what. Come crying when there’s a super-badass remake of Toy Story coming out, when Toy Story looks laughably low-tech.

  2. says

    Is very glad ya had a good time. As fer the Carousel of Progress, well, is best when is eleventy-jillion degrees out and yer feets is sore. Then ya gets an excuse fer ta sit in the cool for twenty minutes.Favorite rides bein’ takin’ out and replaced with sumthin’ crappy is a Disney tradition. Mr Toad’s Wild Ride being another fine example.The Crystal Palace is always me favorite place fer lunch (helps if ya gots rezzies), and yeah, Tigger is great.Sleeping Beauty ride sounds like a damn good idea.

  3. libraboy says

    Was on “It’s a Small World” for over an hour, once. As a Christian at the time, I prayed to God to get me off the ride. He didn’t listen, as usual.

  4. JimG says

    I live in Orlando, and I went to the Magic Kingdom recently with some visiting friends and their 4-year-old. We also took a rest in the Carousel of Progress, and the 1920s dad-robot gave us the best line of the day (he was talking about primitive electrification): “Oh, no, I’ve blown the whole neighborhood again!”

  5. says

    Well being that I’m 4’11” I should probably avoid running out in front of you. I might get punched in the face with your boobs.

  6. Introbulus says

    I totally remember the “see the future” ride. Though I could’ve sworn that was at Epcot…well I and my girlfriend were on that ride, and we wound up making silly faces when it took our picture, so that watching the video turned out to be hilarious. Sounds like you had a great time. ^^ Glad you enjoyed it.

  7. plublesnork says

    heh, I feel slightly better knowing that I was only 4 when Tron came out.I did do a quick double-take and then giggled when I saw graphics worse than an N64. I first read it as C64, and that is an analogy I can get with. :)Anyways, must get back to walking to and from work, up hill both ways while telling kids to get off my lawn.

  8. Joey Maloney says

    I wish to tell you a story about Winnie The Pooh jokes. A few years ago (counts on fingers…o mai gawd, TWELVE years ago) I was experimenting with candy-making and when my oldest niece’s sixteenth birthday rolled around, because Winnie was more or less her personal totem, for her birthday I made her a giant stained-glass candy Winnie The Pooh.It was a huge hit at her party, all her friends and family were ooh-ing and aah-ing over it. Everyone except her dad, because as usual he got delayed trying to leave work – such is the life of any office’s resident IT genius.So dad missed the beginning of the party, but when my niece heard him come in the front door, she shouted from the other end of the house, in a voice full of joy and excitement, “Daddy, come see my Pooh!”

  9. MeanMrMustard says

    How dare you malign the Carousel of Progress! We stayed at Disney World for a week one time when I was about 11 (roughly 1983) and at the time I was convinced the future was going to be straight out of that ride and the newly opened EPCOT. I went back a couple years ago and forced my kids to ride the Carousel of Progress and they were unimpressed. But they did keep singing the great big beautiful tomorrow thing. I do love the carousel of progress being kept in its old state…it’s a kind of nostalgia for the futurism of yesteryear.

  10. says

    MeanMrMustard is spot on – Carousel of Progress was created in the mid-70’s, and while it’s been updated several times the basics of “the future” have been kept as a reminder of how we think about what thought the future would be like. As for the Characters – As a former Disney Cast member I can tell you why you don’t see them walking around the Parks like you used to. There are three reasons, all of which are safety based;1 – You mentioned your “cone shaped blind spot”, imagine the limited sight lines that “Pooh” or “Tigger” have and trying to navigate around with those. Even with the help of a “handler” too many kids were getting trampled. 2 – Speaking of kids getting trampled, part of the problem with walk around Characters is that because there’s no queue it can get a little unruly with parents pushing their kids to the front, or worse pushing other kids out of the way (seen it on more than one occasion). It gets ugly…3 – Finally, there’s Character safety. You’d be surprised how many times Mickey (usually a female) gets punched, kicked, etc. I don’t get people…Anyway, hope that helps. Glad you got over your “fear” of Space Mountain (my favorite attraction)!!

  11. says

    Heh – I agree with pretty much everything you and the commenters said, Jenn. I am inordinately fond of Disney World, and regret that it’s been so long since last I was there.However, the last time I _was_ there, they had just replaced the ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter with Stitch’s Spitting Adventure and I was quite put out. As you say, the preceding ride was actively frightening – Stitch, not so much. (Though I was impressed by the armature on the cannon.) I assume, though, that they killed the frightening ride because it was “out of place” in Magic Kingdom. Where they throw you into a briar patch and giant anthropomorphic animals walk around.Also, my brother and I have a picture in those stocks from last visit.

  12. Denis says

    Carousel of Progress actually dates from the 1964-1965 New York World’s Fair. After the fair it was moved to Disneyland (along with it’s a small world, Mr. Lincoln, and the battling dinos from Ford’s Magic Skyway).A few years after Walt Disney World opened, they moved the CoP to WDW in 1975, made a couple of scenes updates, and changed the theme tune from “Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow” to “Now is the Time” (also written by the Sherman Brothers to etch into your brain like small world and GBBT).The current Carousel of Progress show is stuck in its 1994 redo which brought back “Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow” and added the super modern virtual reality game and the references to “car phones” and “laser disks”.The original 1960’s show was pretty neat as each stage was about 20 years after the previous one. The jump from the 40s to the 90s is incredibly jarring compared to the original 40s to 60s jump.Also note that the current version’s narrator is the late Jean Shepherd – author of “A Christmas Story”. The original narrator from the 60s, Rex Allen, is still heard in the 90s segment as the grandfather.I always loved the successor to the CoP, Epcot’s Horizons, which took the family into the future in city dwelling in the desert, floating on the ocean, and into space. Sadly Horizons was replaced by the thrill ride “Mission Space” a few years ago.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/H

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