We hear a lot from politicians about how we must protect traditional, Bible-based marriage against those who would change its definition to allow same-sex couples. Oddly enough, very few seem to be willing to fully embrace traditional marriage in its most comprehensive form, opting instead for such limited legal actions as restricting it to between one man and one woman.
They should be willing to go the distance and to help them out, here is a template for those legislators who want to codify Bible-based marriage into law, complete with citations.
A. Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women. (Gen 29:17-28; II Sam 3:2-5)
B. Marriage shall not impede a man’s right to take concubines in addition to his wife or wives. (II Sam 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21)
C. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed. (Deut 22:13-21)
D. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden. (Gen 24:3; Num 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh 10:30)
E. Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the constitution of any State, nor any state or federal law, shall be construed to permit divorce. (Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9)
F. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother’s widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law. (Gen. 38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10)
G. In lieu of marriage, if there are no acceptable men in your town, it is required that you get your dad drunk and have sex with him (even if he had previously offered you up as a sex toy to men young and old), tag-teaming with any sisters you may have. Of course, this rule applies only if you are female. (Gen 19:31-36)
That should be clear enough.
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raven
May 26, 2012 at 11:11 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
There is no upper limit on how many wives and sex slaves you can have. As many as one can afford, I guess. Solomon, that noted hero of the bible had 700 wives and 300 sex slaves.
Concubines are sex slaves. You buy them. I can see that ebay and Amazon.com will have a new merchandise section in the United Christian States of America.
There isn’t any lower age limit for biblical marriage either. You can sell you kids as sex slaves for a few bucks as it says in Exodus.
Gregory in Seattle
May 26, 2012 at 11:11 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
You might find this entertaining: Betty Bowers Explains Traditional Marriage to Everyone Else.
Trebuchet
May 26, 2012 at 12:00 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Craigslist already has that section!
Since we’re codifying biblical marriage into the Constitution, we may as well add all that stuff about mixed fibers, shaving, eating pork & shellfish, and all the rest.
raven
May 26, 2012 at 12:40 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Don’t forget not sowing two different seeds in the same field. God hates that for some reason.
In for a penny, in for a pound. Might as well put all biblical law in there as well.
Biblical law has ca. 20 death penalty offenses, most of which are not even crimes in the USA these days. It’s estimated that under biblical law, 297 million US citizens would end up dead under piles of rocks.
Pierce R. Butler
May 26, 2012 at 4:19 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
raven @ # 4: … around 99% of the population would end up dead and the remainder would have each, on average, killed 500 fellow citizens.
We’ve gone around about these “figures” before. If 99% of the population gets killed, each of the survivors accounted for, well, 99 others. If each survivor killed 500 others, then 99.8% of the total are dead.
Something tells me that bcse.web probably hasn’t really done the homework either about how many brides aren’t virgins, teens dissed their parents, consumers wore mixed-fiber clothing, etc.
Marshall
May 27, 2012 at 1:09 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Brokenspacebar?
Nice post though.
Mano Singham
May 27, 2012 at 2:36 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Thanks. Corrected.