If you really do exist, could I ask one favour? Please save me from your bloody self-appointed representatives.
Yours hopefully,
Daz
Alverantsays
This is proof of telepathy. God isn’t telling them to run for President, there’s a person out there with ESP implanting ideas in people while pretending to be God for kicks.
Larry Kearneysays
Why only three? I seem to recall from the previous GOP Klown Kar o’ Krazy Kandidates, Santorum, Bachmann, and Perry were also utterly convinced that Gwaaadddd was whispering to them to run. Now that I think about it, all of them were saying that god was behind them in their run for popepresident. Must be something in the water.
I just been in a conference call with God, himself. And The Big Man, Himself, wants me to be president. Not because I am qualified, or even remotely competent. But mainly, because He hates you all, and He wants you to suffer.
It really makes you understand why most polytheisms have a “trickster god” — clearly someone has to run the primaries.
Menyambalsays
God wants them all to be president. God wants a lot of people to be president, just like he wants us all to get to Heaven. It’s part of the whole lovey-dovey aspect.
It doesn’t mean they can all be president, or even that God can be arsed to make one of them president. But God can want them all to be president – no obligation, no huhu.
They seem to think that what God wants, God gets, but that isn’t part of the package. He wants the best for all of us, but he also wants us to have free will and live here on Earth for a while.
(God also wants me to be [redacted]’s boyfriend, but he also allows restraining orders to exist.)
robrosays
Where’s Rick Perry? Doesn’t god want him to be president, too?
Kevin Kehressays
Gonna need a MUCH bigger graphic.
savantsays
Clearly two of them are having their hearts hardened by God to demonstrate the power and glory of the lord. Or something.
Saadsays
No, I’M Spartacus!
k_machinesays
They might have misheard god, maybe he said the he wants them to be president of the My Little Pony fan club?
azhaelsays
Either they all mean different gods and the polytheists have been right all along…..or…..
johnwoodfordsays
No, no–God wants them all to *run*, because that’s really funny to watch. Actually becoming POTUS? Not so much.
Cuttlefishsays
Remember that moment at a GOP debate last time around, when three candidates’ hands went up affirming that they do not believe in evolution? I want a direct question asked “which of you are running because God wants you to be president?”
It would remind me of the “Three Christs of Ypsilanti”, I think.
Anthony Ksays
“You get a presidency! And you get a presidency! Everyone gets a presidency!”
Seems like that should be some kind of meme.
Randomfactorsays
Easily explained. Calgary Ted Cruz is the one God wants to be president.
He’d originally settled on Allen West, but allowed him to retire honorably rather than face an electorate.
Carson just plagiarized the endorsement from the other two.
Mitt Romney trumps all these wannabes. He thinks Joseph Smith and God want him to be president. In his mind, dead Joe is in the Celestial Kingdom, right next to God, and the two collaborate, dontcha know.
Mitt Romney forcefully declared his interest in a third presidential run to a room full of powerful Republican donors Friday, disrupting the fluid 2016 GOP field as would-be rival Jeb Bush was moving swiftly to consolidate establishment support.
We need to know how many mythical figures have endorsed each candidate.
There is something like 4200 religions, and not all of them are monotheist.
Therefore, there is a lot more than 4200 possible gods, all of them with the same probability of existence.
Maybe Zeus, Shiva and Osiris have different candidates.
I don’t see the issue.
ravensays
Mitt Romney trumps all these wannabes. He thinks Joseph Smith and God want him to be president.
Joseph Smith and Kolob god? Who cares. They are low level bottom feeders.
I’m waiting to see who Thor, Isis, Gaia, Frigga, Sophia, Estre, and Bast endorse. Deities who have some class.
ravensays
It is ironic that the xian god party, the GOP ended up nominating a…nonxian. Some say Obama won because god wanted a xian to be president.
(Most xians don’t consider the Mormons to be xians. The Mormons agree completely. They just disagree on who are the True xians.)
Larry Kearneysays
Use to be people who heard voices in their head would be given treatment. Now they run for President on the GOP ticket.
azhaelsays
“God wants me to be president”
Makes you want to respond with:
“God wants me to tell you that wasn’t him, it was Lucifer playing you like a fiddle”.
Why is it that nobody ever says something like “God wants me to give you all my money and shut the fuck up” did i, ask rethorically…?
azhaelsays
My brain apparently went off for a bit there…that should be “i asked rhetorically”
robrosays
Why doesn’t god run for president itself? It can do anything it wants, right? Why all these proxies?
David Wilfordsays
God cares more about the Packers winning next Sunday in Seattle, surely…
AndrewDsays
Robro@29
Because god isn’t a person born in the United States? he would presumably need to rerun the vigin birth scenerio in the US, but this might make him the child of a single parent and as such not eligable from the Tea Party/Republicans point of view
Rich Woodssays
@robro #29:
Why all these proxies?
The salary is not enough and the hours are too long. God would much prefer to spend his days on the golf course, hitting vicars with lightning bolts.
tsigsays
Sorry all but god wants me to be president. I do not have to campaign because when the Electoral College meets god will inspire them all, as a pillar of fire, to vote for me.
robrosays
AndrewD — I think god’s powerful enough to change his birth records. If Obama can pull it off, so can god.
Rich — Have you never noticed how many presidents play golf? What makes you think the job would interfere with god’s game. Besides, as god, he’s eternal so no problem with time at all.
tallgrass05says
It’s amazing how many GOTea candidates always say God told them to run. Why don’t they just own the decision?
Come on, isn’t it obvious why God wants them all to be President? God is an idiot. He can’t get it through his head that there is only one Prez at a time in the US.
I’m waiting to see who Thor, Isis, Gaia, Frigga, Sophia, Estre, and Bast endorse. Deities who have some class.
I’m with you on that. Let’s ask Thor what he thinks of Ted Cruz.
Lady Mondegreen (aka Stacy)says
You get a presidency! And you get a presidency! Everyone gets a presidency!”
Seems like that should be some kind of meme
God is Oprah?
So the old joke was right…
Al Dentesays
euclide @23
There is something like 4200 religions, and not all of them are monotheist. Therefore, there is a lot more than 4200 possible gods, all of them with the same probability of existence.
The Hindus claim there are 33 million gods, many of them with various avatars, incarnations and manifestations.
numerobissays
Most of them probably are or have been president of some business somewhere.
pharyngsdsays
Maybe God just wants a dumbass for President, and he doesn’t care which one.
The mormon god (presumably in collusion with dead Joe Smith) has been quite successful in getting his sheeple into political office. Yeah, he failed with Mitt Romney in 2012, but there are 16 mormons serving in Congress in 2015.
Mormons make up about 2% of the US population if you accept the LDS church’s own membership figures, which are highly inflated. Mormons actually make up about 1% of the US population. And yet, 3% of the 2015 Congress is mormon. And, with the exception of Harry Reid, they are mind-fucked and rabid.
There’s even a mormon caucus, the “LDS Church Caucus.”
[…] despite the retirement of House Armed Services Chairman Buck McKeon, R-Calif., who had organized an unofficial LDS Church caucus, the group is likely to continue to meet on occasion for a bit of prayer and soul searching.
“We will still get together informally,” Rep. Jason Chaffetz, a Utah Republican and Mormon, who now chairs the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, told me last week.
Several Mormons in Congress, including Chaffetz and Reps. Chris Stewart of Utah and Matt Salmon of Arizona, had met on a somewhat monthly basis to focus on their faith in the last session of Congress. […]
The caucus now has another member who can join: Rep. Cresent Hardy of Nevada, a freshman. […]
Rep. Mia Love, R-Utah, has replaced Rep. Jim Matheson, a Democrat who is also Mormon.
There are seven Mormon senators. Overall, members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints now make up 3 percent of Congress, while the faith’s followers account for about 2 percent [inaccurate] of Americans. […]
LDS members also hold some powerful spots, especially Utahns. Orrin Hatch is Senate president pro tempore (and Senate finance chairman); Rob Bishop is House Natural Resources chairman; and Chaffetz has leadership of the oversight panel. Sen. Mike Lee is a counsel to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and is chairman of the Senate Steering Committee. […]
Kaela Mensha Khaine wants me to be your president. I promise to scour the world clean of filthy Chaos influence… vote now!
mykroftsays
Came across this definition of military ranks some time ago. These clowns are somewhere between a first and second lieutenant.
GENERAL:
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, gives policy to God.
COLONEL:
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, talks to God.
LT. COLONEL:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in indoor swimming pool, talks to God if a DA-4187 request form is approved.
MAJOR:
Barely clears Quonset hut, loses tug-of-war with switch-engine, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, is occasionally addressed by God.
CAPTAIN:
Makes high marks by trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury, dog paddles, talks to animals.
1ST LIEUTENANT:
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed in the Mae-West, talks to walls.
2ND LIEUTENANT:
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings, says look at the Choo-Choo, wets himself, plays in mud puddles, mumbles to himself.
CHIEF
Lifts tall buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them, freezes water with a single glance, HE IS GOD.
zetopansays
“There is something like 4200 religions, and not all of them are monotheist.”
That depends on how you count “religions”. I would not consider your number to even be within an order of magnitude of being correct. There are somewhat over 42,000 Christian sects alone and they are increasing at a rate of 2.2 per day. When you total up all of the various sects worldwide the numbers for all religions are easily within the several hundreds of thousands if not in the few millions.
Ishikirisays
Invoking the divine right of kings, huh? Can we have them fight it out with swords as well?
militantagnosticsays
Can we have them fight it out with swords as well?
I think it would be better if they fought with hand grenades in an elevator.
gerrylsays
But … president of what?
Amphioxsays
One will declare the others anti-presidents.
One will set up a shadow White House in Kansas.
The third will make an executive order to deport the other two.
God wants me to be president. I told him I had better things to do, now he’s all pissy and whining about sending tornadoes to wreck some random people a thousand miles away.
pwuksays
Which one? Loki presumably (or another trickster gud)
blgmntssays
What if that is God’s way of weaseling out of his promise to not go genocidal anymore (that nasty Flood business)? I find that thought… unsettling…
The doofus pictured in the bottom right corner of the photo is Allen West. Here is one of West’s latest excursions into LaLa Land:
We have to put the president in the position to say of whose side are you on: Are you on the side of liberty and freedom or the Islamic terrorists? Are you on the side of the American people and true economic recovery or do you just want to continue to run around the country to talk about free community college tuition?
That’s West’s advice for the new GOP majority in the House and Senate of the USA: find out if Obama supports Islamic terrorists or freedom. Link.
It’s probably not out of the question that if you would believe that some sort of god is whispering in your ear, you really believe snakes can talk, women can magically become preggers and there’s life after death, a whispering god fantasy that only “they” can hear is not unexpected. It’s all as silly as the other. The main problem is that people seem to believe them and that people believing this nonsense, sincerely, could get elected. They are obviously not suitable.
Athywren @3 — thanks for ten minutes of nagging uncertainty before I could finally confirm that yes, that was a paraphrased quote from Babylon 5. I was pretty sure it was, but not sure enough.
chigau (違う) says
That’s Trinity.
Which one is which?
newfie says
God hedges his bets and still always seems to lose.
Athywren, Social Justice Weretribble says
“You will be emperor. And you will be emperor.”
“…How can we both be emperor? Don’t be ridiculous.”
“One of you will be emperor, and one will be emperor after the other dies.”
*uncomfortable silence*
richardelguru says
The answer is obvious: the G-man wants a triumvirate!!
Daz: Keeper of the Hairy-Eared Dwarf Lemur of Atheism says
Dear God,
If you really do exist, could I ask one favour? Please save me from your bloody self-appointed representatives.
Yours hopefully,
Daz
Alverant says
This is proof of telepathy. God isn’t telling them to run for President, there’s a person out there with ESP implanting ideas in people while pretending to be God for kicks.
Larry Kearney says
Why only three? I seem to recall from the previous GOP Klown Kar o’ Krazy Kandidates, Santorum, Bachmann, and Perry were also utterly convinced that Gwaaadddd was whispering to them to run. Now that I think about it, all of them were saying that god was behind them in their run for
popepresident. Must be something in the water.holytape says
I just been in a conference call with God, himself. And The Big Man, Himself, wants me to be president. Not because I am qualified, or even remotely competent. But mainly, because He hates you all, and He wants you to suffer.
Marcus Ranum says
It really makes you understand why most polytheisms have a “trickster god” — clearly someone has to run the primaries.
Menyambal says
God wants them all to be president. God wants a lot of people to be president, just like he wants us all to get to Heaven. It’s part of the whole lovey-dovey aspect.
It doesn’t mean they can all be president, or even that God can be arsed to make one of them president. But God can want them all to be president – no obligation, no huhu.
They seem to think that what God wants, God gets, but that isn’t part of the package. He wants the best for all of us, but he also wants us to have free will and live here on Earth for a while.
(God also wants me to be [redacted]’s boyfriend, but he also allows restraining orders to exist.)
robro says
Where’s Rick Perry? Doesn’t god want him to be president, too?
Kevin Kehres says
Gonna need a MUCH bigger graphic.
savant says
Clearly two of them are having their hearts hardened by God to demonstrate the power and glory of the lord. Or something.
Saad says
No, I’M Spartacus!
k_machine says
They might have misheard god, maybe he said the he wants them to be president of the My Little Pony fan club?
azhael says
Either they all mean different gods and the polytheists have been right all along…..or…..
johnwoodford says
No, no–God wants them all to *run*, because that’s really funny to watch. Actually becoming POTUS? Not so much.
Cuttlefish says
Remember that moment at a GOP debate last time around, when three candidates’ hands went up affirming that they do not believe in evolution? I want a direct question asked “which of you are running because God wants you to be president?”
It would remind me of the “Three Christs of Ypsilanti”, I think.
Anthony K says
“You get a presidency! And you get a presidency! Everyone gets a presidency!”
Seems like that should be some kind of meme.
Randomfactor says
Easily explained. Calgary Ted Cruz is the one God wants to be president.
He’d originally settled on Allen West, but allowed him to retire honorably rather than face an electorate.
Carson just plagiarized the endorsement from the other two.
Lynna, OM says
Mitt Romney trumps all these wannabes. He thinks Joseph Smith and God want him to be president. In his mind, dead Joe is in the Celestial Kingdom, right next to God, and the two collaborate, dontcha know.
We need to know how many mythical figures have endorsed each candidate.
Rob Grigjanis says
When the President talks to God
euclide says
There is something like 4200 religions, and not all of them are monotheist.
Therefore, there is a lot more than 4200 possible gods, all of them with the same probability of existence.
Maybe Zeus, Shiva and Osiris have different candidates.
I don’t see the issue.
raven says
Joseph Smith and Kolob god? Who cares. They are low level bottom feeders.
I’m waiting to see who Thor, Isis, Gaia, Frigga, Sophia, Estre, and Bast endorse. Deities who have some class.
raven says
It is ironic that the xian god party, the GOP ended up nominating a…nonxian. Some say Obama won because god wanted a xian to be president.
(Most xians don’t consider the Mormons to be xians. The Mormons agree completely. They just disagree on who are the True xians.)
Larry Kearney says
Use to be people who heard voices in their head would be given treatment. Now they run for President on the GOP ticket.
azhael says
“God wants me to be president”
Makes you want to respond with:
“God wants me to tell you that wasn’t him, it was Lucifer playing you like a fiddle”.
Why is it that nobody ever says something like “God wants me to give you all my money and shut the fuck up” did i, ask rethorically…?
azhael says
My brain apparently went off for a bit there…that should be “i asked rhetorically”
robro says
Why doesn’t god run for president itself? It can do anything it wants, right? Why all these proxies?
David Wilford says
God cares more about the Packers winning next Sunday in Seattle, surely…
AndrewD says
Robro@29
Because god isn’t a person born in the United States? he would presumably need to rerun the vigin birth scenerio in the US, but this might make him the child of a single parent and as such not eligable from the Tea Party/Republicans point of view
Rich Woods says
@robro #29:
The salary is not enough and the hours are too long. God would much prefer to spend his days on the golf course, hitting vicars with lightning bolts.
tsig says
Sorry all but god wants me to be president. I do not have to campaign because when the Electoral College meets god will inspire them all, as a pillar of fire, to vote for me.
robro says
AndrewD — I think god’s powerful enough to change his birth records. If Obama can pull it off, so can god.
Rich — Have you never noticed how many presidents play golf? What makes you think the job would interfere with god’s game. Besides, as god, he’s eternal so no problem with time at all.
tallgrass05 says
It’s amazing how many GOTea candidates always say God told them to run. Why don’t they just own the decision?
markmckee says
If Santa can deliver presents all around the world in 2 hours, why can’t god deliver the presidency to all the clowns around the world.
markmckee says
oops, 2 hours
markmckee says
Just found out the four button on my keyboard is broken.
timgueguen says
Come on, isn’t it obvious why God wants them all to be President? God is an idiot. He can’t get it through his head that there is only one Prez at a time in the US.
chigau (違う) says
markmckee
It’s a Sign®!
Lynna, OM says
raven @24:
I’m with you on that. Let’s ask Thor what he thinks of Ted Cruz.
Lady Mondegreen (aka Stacy) says
God is Oprah?
So the old joke was right…
Al Dente says
euclide @23
The Hindus claim there are 33 million gods, many of them with various avatars, incarnations and manifestations.
numerobis says
Most of them probably are or have been president of some business somewhere.
pharyngsd says
Maybe God just wants a dumbass for President, and he doesn’t care which one.
Lynna, OM says
The mormon god (presumably in collusion with dead Joe Smith) has been quite successful in getting his sheeple into political office. Yeah, he failed with Mitt Romney in 2012, but there are 16 mormons serving in Congress in 2015.
Mormons make up about 2% of the US population if you accept the LDS church’s own membership figures, which are highly inflated. Mormons actually make up about 1% of the US population. And yet, 3% of the 2015 Congress is mormon. And, with the exception of Harry Reid, they are mind-fucked and rabid.
There’s even a mormon caucus, the “LDS Church Caucus.”
Salt Lake Tribune link.
Holms says
Kaela Mensha Khaine wants me to be your president. I promise to scour the world clean of filthy Chaos influence… vote now!
mykroft says
Came across this definition of military ranks some time ago. These clowns are somewhere between a first and second lieutenant.
GENERAL:
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, gives policy to God.
COLONEL:
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, talks to God.
LT. COLONEL:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in indoor swimming pool, talks to God if a DA-4187 request form is approved.
MAJOR:
Barely clears Quonset hut, loses tug-of-war with switch-engine, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, is occasionally addressed by God.
CAPTAIN:
Makes high marks by trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury, dog paddles, talks to animals.
1ST LIEUTENANT:
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed in the Mae-West, talks to walls.
2ND LIEUTENANT:
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings, says look at the Choo-Choo, wets himself, plays in mud puddles, mumbles to himself.
CHIEF
Lifts tall buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them, freezes water with a single glance, HE IS GOD.
zetopan says
“There is something like 4200 religions, and not all of them are monotheist.”
That depends on how you count “religions”. I would not consider your number to even be within an order of magnitude of being correct. There are somewhat over 42,000 Christian sects alone and they are increasing at a rate of 2.2 per day. When you total up all of the various sects worldwide the numbers for all religions are easily within the several hundreds of thousands if not in the few millions.
Ishikiri says
Invoking the divine right of kings, huh? Can we have them fight it out with swords as well?
militantagnostic says
I think it would be better if they fought with hand grenades in an elevator.
gerryl says
But … president of what?
Amphiox says
One will declare the others anti-presidents.
One will set up a shadow White House in Kansas.
The third will make an executive order to deport the other two.
birgerjohansson says
The great presidential schism? I like that.
WithinThisMind says
God wants me to be president. I told him I had better things to do, now he’s all pissy and whining about sending tornadoes to wreck some random people a thousand miles away.
pwuk says
Which one? Loki presumably (or another trickster gud)
blgmnts says
What if that is God’s way of weaseling out of his promise to not go genocidal anymore (that nasty Flood business)? I find that thought… unsettling…
/sarcasm
ArtK says
God’s just spreading his bet across multiple hands to help ensure victory. God’s lousy at blackjack, though.
Crimson Clupeidae says
I see the hand of Loki in this.
Someone call Thor!
Lynna, OM says
The doofus pictured in the bottom right corner of the photo is Allen West. Here is one of West’s latest excursions into LaLa Land:
That’s West’s advice for the new GOP majority in the House and Senate of the USA: find out if Obama supports Islamic terrorists or freedom. Link.
opus says
The good old USofA really needs an episode like the state of Georgia went through a few brief years ago, and these may be the clowns who can provide it:
http://www.georgiaencyclopedia.org/articles/government-politics/three-governors-controversy
robster says
It’s probably not out of the question that if you would believe that some sort of god is whispering in your ear, you really believe snakes can talk, women can magically become preggers and there’s life after death, a whispering god fantasy that only “they” can hear is not unexpected. It’s all as silly as the other. The main problem is that people seem to believe them and that people believing this nonsense, sincerely, could get elected. They are obviously not suitable.
Kagato says
Athywren @3 — thanks for ten minutes of nagging uncertainty before I could finally confirm that yes, that was a paraphrased quote from Babylon 5. I was pretty sure it was, but not sure enough.
damien75 says
Solution: The three of them are just one person.