Comments

  1. carlie says

    apropos of nothing, I really like Carolyn Hax as an advice columnist, and this was in her live chat last week. It’s in a response to a woman who is going nuts staying home with an infant.

    I’ll just throw out my experience: I tended to have, and feel intensely, three phases.

    1. The sweet-baby-deity*-what-have-I-done phases, with the despair and terror combo that fatigue nudges toward abject desperation, when the kids were hitting a new stage of development and I therefore had no idea how to handle it. The newborn time counts as one of these. It’s just a sense of being caught flat-footed that seems like it will never get better.

    2. The ooooooh-now-I-get-it phase. This is when the learning curve has been scaled and it seems like, okay, I’ve got this, who knows why I was so freaked out before, cheez.

    3. The if-they-don’t-outgrow-this-age/behavior/set of needs-soon-I’m-going-to-check-myself-into-a-hospital (just for observation!) phase. This is when you think you can’t bear another wee-hours feeding, another diaper, another tantrum, another barrage of questions, etc.

    Repeat.

    Having friends or relatives who have been through this really helps with 1, and having help (be it a co-parent, relatives, buddies with similar age kids, babysitters, day care) can really take the edge off 3. No. 2, obviously, you hang onto with both arms.

    *I can’t thank whoever-it-was enough for this.

  2. bassmike says

    All: Thank you for all the messages of support and all the hugs. They are much appreciated.

    I apologise to all those whose significant posts I have missed. Once things are back to ‘normal’ I’ll try and keep up! However Alexandra (née Audley) dark baby one year old. Yay! I know I’m unfamiliar to you and somewhat late saying hi, but your child is 6 months younger than mine so I follow both children’s development with interest.

    Talking of my daughter: she is finally out of hospital. It turns out that she had flu which became pneumonia. She had to have an oxygen mask for a week and various antibiotics. My wife and I took turns to stay with her during the night. It’s great to have her back home, but I’m struggling emotionally. I should be on a high, but I’m on an incredibly short fuse and back at work. I’m trying to keep away from people in general but some people specifically as I am likely to explode and I don’t want that. Maybe it’s lack of sleep, or pent up emotions, I don’t know. But I’m finding it tough.

    The support I get from the louge is a source of great comfort. Considering how much of a newbie I am you are all very accepting and thoughtful.You are very much appreciated.

  3. rq says

    bassmike
    It’s great news that everyone’s back at home and on the mend!
    I hope the emotional struggle improves / subsides / gets sorted out sooner rather than later. You’ve been on a stress-high for a while, so it’ll probably take a little while to come back down and to be absolutely emotionally sure that all danger is past. The lack of sleep / down time (alone or with wife) doesn’t help.
    *hugs* or *[other supportive gesture]* as preferred.
    (And apropos of baby ages, it seems your daughter is about the same age as my youngest son… He’s an end-of-May (2012 edition) baby.)

  4. bassmike says

    rq: Thank you! Your son is just a little younger than my daughter as she’s an end of April 2012 birth.

  5. rq says

    Because I’m Canadian by birth, here’s some things that are Canadian, and here’s a very Canadian thing (except, as one of the comments points out, where’s the maple syrup and moose?).

    And because flu season is nigh (that’s almost like the end of the world, right?), some flu vaccine myths get debunked. Here’s to herd immunity!

    I don’t think her shift in modelling focus will

    lead to less rigid standards for youth in female modeling

    but it might make people think about gender and how we perceive it or present it in other ways.

    carlie
    Yup, I think I can agree with those 3 phases.

  6. rq says

    Kevin
    Tell them it’s a necessary religious ritual, and that they’re discriminating against your little known sect of Daily Somnolence Christianity if they don’t let you nap or disturb you during your nap. Should work. I bear no responsibility for consequences.

  7. says

    Kevin In addition to rq’s suggestion, I’d recommend claiming to be Spanish-born, and a worshipper of Bast.

    Then you can say you have to have your religiously- and culturally-mandated catnap/siesta.

    Until they fire you for being a foreigner and pagan.

  8. birgerjohansson says

    Hooray! My mom’s move to a senior managed living home is done, she was at hospital for a checkup after chest pains (fortunately this was a false alarm) and while she was there for a day and a half we could move her things without disturbing her. She seems to have surprisingly few problems with adapting to the new environment.

    Cat is also fine and has random pangs of running around for no particular reason. South Sweden, Denmark and parts of Germany were badly hit by a storm Sunday-Monday (Yes, I know by Florida standards a lot of felled trees and traffic chaos is nothing) but we were spared.
    Clear, dark winter skies and the moon is not messing things up. Jupiter shines like a beacon.

  9. birgerjohansson says

    Kevin, rq, KatieKat
    if the felinoid AI combat droid in “Hilldiggers”* is looking for (terrrestrial) work, we could hire it to deal with anti-Bast discrimination.
    Except what do you pay a self-repairing pugnacious nuclear-powered combat droid that can live in vacuum?

    *by Neal Asher

  10. Esteleth, statistically significant to p ≤ 0.001 says

    Comment I got on Twitter the other day:

    “After you finish nursing school, you’ll be “Esteleth, BA, RN, PhD”! You’ll be a BARN DOCTOR.”

    Tragically, I did have to say that the rules say that as “RN” is not a degree but a license, it cannot be mingled in with a list of degrees. The correct format is “name, degrees, licenses.”

    And, in any case, it’ll be “Esteleth, BA, BSN, PhD, RN.”

  11. Esteleth, statistically significant to p ≤ 0.001 says

    In any case, after I start work as a nurse, I’ll almost certainly not list the PhD. If for no other reason than people would assume that I have a PhD in nursing science.

  12. carlie says

    Esteleth- but that would be most likely a DNP, doctorate of nursing practice, right? That’s the most common one, I think. You might want to list it just to keep those uppity MDs in line. After all, all they had to do to be called “doctor” was memorize a lot, not do actual research. ;)
    (I’m kidding and I love you, rorschach and dianne and all the other MDs who post here)

  13. Nutmeg says

    Ugh. For the anxiety workshop-group-thingy that I’m part of, we’re supposed to do breathing exercises this week. Just sitting and breathing and trying to relax. It is not going well.

    I’m going to do my homework as assigned, but ugh. After I finished the exercise this morning, I had to curl up into the tightest ball possible for a few minutes to feel better again. All that pretending-that-I’m-not-tense is hard work and seems to have a rebound effect. (I know I’ll probably get better at it. It just feels icky now.)

    I’m hoping next week will include exercises for people who have to trick their brains into relaxing. That’s what I need. I need to be thinking about something else and not noticing that I’m chilling out. Unfortunately, I can’t spend every waking moment swimming laps, and that’s the only thing that really works for me right now.

  14. Nerd of Redhead, Dances OM Trolls says

    Taking one of my vacation days as a “sanity day”. Between the Redhead wanting to go to a gem and mineral show Saturday, and the Ghosties/Ghoulies Sunday, I couldn’t get my normal weekend work done. Then she had an opera (Otello) last night, and I didn’t get to bed until after 2 am. Needed some sleep.
    So now, I get to pick up the car with the new water pump from the repair shop, get a headlight and install it on the other car, and get some blood drawn at the hospital. Then I can sit down and rest for a few minutes before starting laundry.

  15. Ogvorbis: Apologies Available for All! says

    Esteleth @ 514:

    Esteleth, BA, BSN, PhD, RN

    See, I read that as “Baby basin, Ephedrine”.

  16. says

    Lynna@495 Jumping Jehosaphat, WTF!?! I’m so glad that I never allowed LinkedIn to trick me in to having anything to do with them. I keep hearing stories of how they scrape this or that (people’s contact list, etc) and send out spam, but that really, really sounds beyond the pale.

    Crip Dyke@499

    So I have this question about your future activism: when will you take a principled stand against using gender-segregated bathrooms until all trans* people have safe public bathrooms?

    Maybe this is, as you say, trans* 101 [sorry if it is so] but is this “safe public bathrooms” (just?) the desire to use whichever existing facilities that you feel most comfortable with? Because I’ve never understood the concern people have with this.

    carlie@502 re: Carolyn Hax. Early on in her splashy debut I stumbled across a few columns that I thought were egregiously stupid and wrote her off completely. I take it she’s improved.

    bassmike Glad to her about your daughter’s improvement.

    birgerjohansson Some how I read that last line as “Jupiter shiles like bacon”, had to do a double take to see if there was a cat taped to it. Perhaps my mind isn’t quite as clear as I’d hoped … still a bit wobbly after being out of commission for four days.

    Nerd of Redhead Where’s the gem and mineral show? Given the lack of family “fun stuff” the last several weekends (2 of them w/ me working + 1 sick) I’d like to get out this next weekend. Hopefully we’ll get to visit Mathhessen and Starved Rock State Parks, but such a show might be a handy fallback in case of bad weather. Oh, drat. I see you meant it was last weekend… My wife sees Parsival on the 9th.

  17. carlie says

    dontpanic – maybe you were reading during the midst of her divorce, or right after she had the twins? I can’t remember when I started reading her, but she’s always been pretty solid from my perspective. Might be worth another look to see if you think she’s any better now.

    Nutmeg – I have no idea if it would be relevant to you, but there were two big things that kept me from ever being able to relax, no matter what the exercise, until I worked those things out.
    1. There is so damned much to do, and it all has to be done, and thinking and worrying about something feels like doing something about it, so constantly worrying about it means being productive and if I’m not always being productive then I’m a complete slacker.
    2. I don’t deserve to relax, ever, because of all of these x reasons. I am fundamentally a loser of a person, and everything that needs done is my responsibility, and I am obligated to do all of these things, because otherwise I am not Good Enough, and I must work hard to become Good Enough because I sure as hell am not now, and don’t deserve anything that would make my own life better in any way.

    I couldn’t ever do relaxation exercises, because of 1 and 2, and wasn’t until my therapist and I started tackling especially 2 (since 1 kind of follows from 2), and then it got easier.

    Congrats, birgerjohansson, on the run of goodness!

    So glad your daughter is home, bassmike. It will take awhile to readjust, definitely.

  18. opposablethumbs says

    dontpanic, I understood that to be a reference to the fact that there are piece-of-shit bigots who will react so violently to encountering a transperson in the “wrong” bathroom that they will assault them and endanger their lives (and of course there is a different degree of privacy in a bathroom. People look at each other differently. And some men’s bathrooms don’t have many stalls, or maybe it would look strange to use a stall only to pee. And what about fixing your makeup, etc. etc.)

  19. Esteleth, statistically significant to p ≤ 0.001 says

    Yes, Carlie, that is what a doctorate in nursing generally is. And I don’t have one of those (my Ph.D. is a doctorate in research in biochemistry). *shrug*

  20. Nutmeg says

    carlie:

    I have no idea if it would be relevant to you, but there were two big things that kept me from ever being able to relax, no matter what the exercise, until I worked those things out.
    1. There is so damned much to do, and it all has to be done, and thinking and worrying about something feels like doing something about it, so constantly worrying about it means being productive and if I’m not always being productive then I’m a complete slacker.
    2. I don’t deserve to relax, ever, because of all of these x reasons. I am fundamentally a loser of a person, and everything that needs done is my responsibility, and I am obligated to do all of these things, because otherwise I am not Good Enough, and I must work hard to become Good Enough because I sure as hell am not now, and don’t deserve anything that would make my own life better in any way.

    That is helpful, thank you. I’m glad that you’ve made some progress on those issues.

    I’ve been thinking a bit about why I can’t do these exercises without freaking out. I’ve definitely got some of your problem #1 going on. And there’s also a variation on that:

    1a. There are so many bad things that could happen, and no one but me will stop them. Other people are either irresponsible because they aren’t worried about all the bad things, or they’re causing the bad things to happen. I have to be constantly vigilant so that I can prevent all of the bad things from happening. If I relax, I won’t notice bad things happening until it’s too late to stop them.

    Yeah, my brain hates me. It is reassuring to know that other people have the same problems, though.

  21. Nutmeg says

    *passes some spoons and energy-replenishing snacks/beverages to Nerd*

    The Redhead is extremely lucky to have you in her life. Take care of yourself too.

  22. says

    opposablethumbs@524, I guess that’s what I thought it meant; just that I don’t “get” (as in understand) those bigots at all. Its a bathroom: you go in, you do your business, you get out. What should anyone care with the other people sharing that space as long as they’re not actively interacting with you? If said bigot is creepily checking out everyone else doing their thing, they should just stop. I guess it’s all part of that authoritarian “your business is my business” thing that so many exhibit in so many tiresome ways. I’m sorry for all those affected by such crap.

  23. Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden says

    @dontpanic:

    Though physical assaults are rare on a per-use basis, being visibly trans in a place where you have no history (like one’s own workplace, where an ongoing personal effort can transform the specific situation) does not allow one to use public restrooms on the same basis as others. Nor, being visibly trans*, are the risks reduced by limiting oneself to the bathroom that would be expected from one’s birth certificate.

    From deliberate actions to deny equal welcoming – including staring and judging comments – to trying to humiliate/insult someone, to trying to get someone to leave because of social consequences, to getting authority to arrest/detain/compel departure, to violent assault, there is a range of tactics employed against trans* people in gendered public restrooms. Moreover, the lesser tactics always implicitly contain the threat of the greater tactics.

    To be visibly trans* in a gendered public bathroom is to be unsafe from these things. A trans* person harassing a cis* person for using a gendered public bathroom would be considered insane and dangerous, themselves subject to intervention of authority to protect the victim. A cis* person harassing a trans* person is considered justified and entitled to authorities aid to the victimizer, up to and sometimes even including perpetrators of physical assault.

    It is what it is, but I’ve never heard of a movement – even one as fringe as refusing to get married until marriage equality is implemented – of persons declining to use gendered public bathrooms. Why is that?

  24. Menyambal --- inesteemable says

    There’s a cat on my chest, a dog under my elbow, another dog and another cat on the bed with us, it is raining, the laundry is running and the garbage truck just left. My bowels are still in an uproar, but this is nice.

  25. Nerd of Redhead, Dances OM Trolls says

    Nerd of Redhead

    Where’s the gem and mineral show?

    Actually, they are all over. Last week’s was in Gurnee, Il, a few miles from where we live, sponsored by the Lake County Gem and Mineral Society. The big one here in Chiwaukee is the Chicago G&MS show over Memorial day weekend, held at the Du Page county fairgrounds.

    Use Google with “gem and mineral show” and add a local county/city to limit the search to find one in your area. I believe there is one in Milwaukee area shortly, based on what the presenters said.

  26. says

    carlie and Nutmeg,

    Your problems with relaxing sound sadly familiar – sometimes it seems that the moment I sit down and stop running around trying to Do All The Things, a big black cloud descends on me.

    Nutmeg, your 1a is just like me.

    I’m going to read and try to remember all your helpful tips for relaxing, because I really could use them. Thanks, both of you.

  27. Hekuni Cat, MQG says

    bassmike – I’m glad to hear your daughter is home. *hugs, chocolate, and support*

    birgerjohansson – I’m happy to hear your mother’s move went smoothly/is over, and that she is adapting well to her new environment.

    Nutmeg:

    I’m hoping next week will include exercises for people who have to trick their brains into relaxing.

    If you learn any of these, I’d be very happy to learn how to do this. Good luck with your workshop.

    Nerd – *hugs and chocolate* Please remember to take care of yourself too.

    Menyambal – I hope you feel better soon, but I’m glad your animal companions are keeping you company. I miss having a cat on my chest; my current cat Chloe doesn’t do that.

  28. carlie says

    It’s happened a few times now, but the first time my Spouse and I talked about it, it was a revelation to both of us. It was well over a decade into our marriage, but had never quite come up how differently we think all the time and how much my way of thinking contributed to my constant stress levels. One time we were talking about some topic, and I rattled off every other thing that was remotely related to that topic that was an issue either right then or in the near future or in the intermediate future, probably about 10 things. He was floored and couldn’t understand how I could be worried about so many things at once and I was all “how can you NOT be thinking about all of these things all of the time?! This is why I don’t sleep at night!!”

  29. says

    FWIW, my chronic insomnia is strongly related with the “can’t turn my brain off” anxiety. When there’s something specific – and there usually is – to be worried about (cable bill, rent, meds, finding more clients to make the first three less scary), then I rotate in what I like to call a viscous circle, because I can’t get out of it once I’m in it. Though it’s really more of an inward spiral than a circle.

    So, for me, prevention is the answer. I’ve discovered that having something on the TV or computer that I know really well – for me, Firefly, BSG, Doctor Who – and that doesn’t contain anything triggering (which is why Criminal Minds isn’t on the list), can be a soother. The better I know the episode(s), the better overall. Ideally, I know it so well that I can say the words along with it (BSG miniseries, a few Dr Who episodes), then it becomes just a comforting recitation, like a mantra, and soon I’m asleep. It also works (for me) to put the Very Familiar Thing in a different language that I understand, because as a linguist I find that absorbing.

    Reading can work, if I’m reading just the right thing, but it’s risky, because I can get caught up in reading and then miss the whole night’s sleep, usually noticing around dawn.

    Also, powerful meds can help. :D

  30. says

    Crip Dyke yes, I’m intellectually aware of the concept and range of actions of the bigots. And oppose them — though I’ve never encountered such an instance in person so mostly it’s give vocal support for people to make their own free choices without coersion.

    I just can’t fundamentally grasp why these people care. But then a lot of things people give a “shit” (so to speak) about boggle me as well — partly it’s probably my non-NT-ness and partly a general “no skin off my back” attitude on my part. Why trans* people care, I get … the threats are directed at them. How someone’s choice of bathroom personally affects anyone other than themselves … I don’t.

    I’m sorry that anyone has to put up with such behaviour from others. To the extent that you’ve suffered any repercussions from your choices in this regard, I’m sorry and sad on your behalf.

    Here have a cat picture

  31. UnknownEric the Apostate says

    Insomnia caused by anxiety? Ahh, I know it well. :(

    What sometimes works for me is putting the local classical radio station on quietly in the background.

  32. Nerd of Redhead, Dances OM Trolls says

    Ugh, another episode in the continuing “walk” argument. The Redhead complains she doesn’t walk enough. She says I should be ready to walk her every day. I say under those conditions, when I am ready to walk her with the course set up, she isn’t ready to walk for various reasons and it becomes a waste of my time. Therefore, I say she should TELL me when she is ready to walk, and do so once I get the course set up. It doesn’t matter what I have to do, I will adapt….she sees that as saying “I don’t want to walk you, never improve”. Somebody explain what is going on here. It makes no sense to me.
    From my perspective, it is who is in control. Her or me? It should be her.

  33. Nerd of Redhead, Dances OM Trolls says

    For more information, the Redhead is also afraid to wake me at night for commode duty, etc. From my perspective, she should be free to call, even a couple of times a night, she but should give me appropriate time to sleep. Funny how that means her getting to be a bit earlier, which means me going to sleep a bit earlier than now….

  34. carlie says

    Nerd – my completely uninformed guess is that to her, telling you that it’s time to get things ready to walk feels like an imposition/order, whereas you getting it all set up yourself is on your own timetable and less of her demanding what to do.
    All I can say is that I’ve been so impressed with you both, based on all of the things you post about yourselves. I know you probably hold back on some of the uglier and more frustrating stuff, but you’ve gone through more troubles together than many couples do in a lifetime and show such a good attitude about it all. You’re amazing.

  35. says

    WeedMonkey, that would probably do it for me, if it had the Dr. Strangelove ending theme version…explosions and pretty song. :)

    UnknownEric, classical music is also good, but like the TV, it has to be stuff I already know. New stuff is too fascinating, and is a great way to make sure I *never* go to sleep. Anything engaging my learning faculty is a Very Bad Idea when sleep is the goal.

    One I’d forgotten, I used to use when I was in university and studying Russian and German lit, I would recite poems I’d learnt over and over, and the recitation would often put me out. The bad part of that is that now, some of my favourite poetry* can be a bit soporific.

    I know the BSG miniseries’ first hour and a half or so perfectly, I can say pretty much every line along with the actor, pauses, tones of voice, you name it. It’s a rotten thing to do with a show you like, but sleep is more important, and I don’t tend to use my favourite episodes for it.

    * Primary choice, Anna Akhmatova (my favourite poet, bar none), Летний Сад (The Summer Garden), a gorgeously multi-layered piece of nostalgic love for St Petersburg. My best prof in Russian was an emigrée from St. P, with the most wonderful accent, given I was very used to Muscovites who’d been all my teachers before that. I still have a Moskvichka accent when I speak Russian, despite dear Nina Alexeevna’s best efforts to instil a cultured St.P accent in us. She made us memorize one poem a week, and recite them in our small class for each other, and would “correct” our accent when we failed to conform to her very exacting standards. Wonderful teacher, she’s probably passed by now, was in poor health in her late 60s then, and it was over twenty years ago.

  36. rq says

    *hugs* for the HugTruck!! Self-serve!

    carlie

    I don’t deserve to relax, ever, because of all of these x reasons. I am fundamentally a loser of a person, and everything that needs done is my responsibility, and I am obligated to do all of these things, because otherwise I am not Good Enough, and I must work hard to become Good Enough because I sure as hell am not now, and don’t deserve anything that would make my own life better in any way.

    Just so you know you’re good enough. Back when I was naming roses, you said to pick a weedy one for you. Well, I’ll have you know I picked a weedy one… but only because, once it bloomed, it had the most amazing flower in the most fantastic shade of bright fuchsia/magenta that I’d never imagined a rose could possibly have. So I named it the carlie rose.
    I can’t prove it, because the camera (on phone and off) has been broken since mid-summer and I didn’t get a photo. But it’s still out there, and I have every intention of seeing it survive until next spring and beyond.

    CaitieCat
    I see you are a great admirer of BSG (the miniseries), too. *fistbump* I don’t know if I can recite it verbatim from memory anymore, but I take pride in the fact that I got aaaallll my siblings addicted to it, too.

    My go-to anti-anxiety movie has been Gladiator for quite some time. I’m not sure why, but it has a lot to do with the music.
    That movie, and the old Star Wars.

    dontpanic
    I’m with you on the incomprehension. I know people take issue with other people, but I just can’t fathom why. Why it should matter so much, why it does, why why why…

    Menyambal
    Feel better soon!

    Nerd
    Good luck with walking the Redhead. I hope a mutually beneficial solution is reached soon!

  37. Nutmeg says

    Anne D: Thanks for confirming that I’m not the only one who has the “I and I alone must prevent all the bad things!” thought pattern. I was a little worried that it was just me and I’m crazier than I realized.

    Hekuni Cat:

    If you learn any of these, I’d be very happy to learn how to do this.

    Well, damned if I know what tricks to use to make the exercises work for me. I might experiment once I’ve had more practice with the basic form. But in general, for tricking my brain into not freaking out, I find two kind of opposite things help.

    1. Mild distraction. When I was writing my thesis, putting words on the blank page or making edits to a previous version was pretty much the most terrifying thing ever. It was awful until I started listening to music while writing. I found that if I had some music going, the part of my brain that’s normally devoted to freaking out would go, “Hey! Music!” and get caught up in the patterns. That would allow the rest of my brain to focus and not be so scared of the task at hand. For me, classical or instrumental stuff, played through earbuds that block out ambient noise, works best. I use the 8-tracks site a lot for this.

    2. Complete, blocking-out-the-world focus. I don’t know how to make this happen on demand, but in a few situations I will get really hyper-focused, and I’ll be much calmer afterwards. I noticed it when I was working a crazy-stressful job as a camp counsellor in high school. Belaying at the climbing wall was my favourite activity because I had to be completely focused and it was almost like having a break. I also get like this when birdwatching and doing math.

  38. carlie says

    rq – that sounds like a beautiful rose! Now I has an embarrassed. But really, that’s one of the nicest things anyone’s ever said to me. Thank you. :)

  39. Nutmeg says

    I’m lucky that my anxiety issues rarely cause major loss of sleep. I generally just have to wait until I’m exhausted enough to fall asleep within a few minutes. If I try to go to sleep before that point, I often get caught up in worrying, and then I’m awake for much longer. Of course, the anxiety and my habit of not sleeping until exhausted both contribute to the night terrors, but at least those aren’t too frequent.

    Like a bunch of others here, I like to re-watch well-known episodes of favourite shows when I’m stressed out. I find that when I’m feeling anxious or blue, I don’t want any new material to think about.

  40. Menyambal --- inesteemable says

    When I have trouble sleeping because of what I call the brain squirrels, I use a nice, soothing audiobook under my pillow. I have P G Wodehouse books, mostly, and use the same one for months.

    Dammit, I used to lie half-awake inventing, designing and writing. Now I just worry, and feel frustrated, and worry about that. I almost always need my audiobook.

    During the day I sing to keep from thinking.

    Damnation.

  41. Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden says

    @don’tpanic:
    In my 529, I was responding to this (especially the bold, italic part) in your 522:

    Maybe this is, as you say, trans* 101 [sorry if it is so] but is this “safe public bathrooms” (just?) the desire to use whichever existing facilities that you feel most comfortable with? Because I’ve never understood the concern people have with this.

    where you addressed me directly, not your 528 to opposable thumbs.

    Why do people care? For a number of reasons, but one is this: your behavior changes not only with location (act differently in school than when meeting the head of state of your country than when you’re cooking breakfast for a lover where the two of you are otherwise alone in the house), but also with the gender/s of the person/s with whom you are interacting. It is easily shown that women make eye contact with other women for different amounts of time than they do with men, given a social situation otherwise as similar as possible. If such details of our behavior are changing with gender context, imagine you suddenly don’t know the gender rules: how does a woman interact with a man in a woman’s restroom? Answer: she doesn’t. Thus to the gender-naive, visibly trans* persons in a gendered public bathroom directly affects – in a negative way – others by rendering them unable to be certain of the social rules, thus rendering them “vulnerable” in a social sense.

    From their point of view, it’s a “logical” reaction. It’s not rational in general, but it is logical to push back against effects that render one vulnerable. The rationality of it, however, depends on the rationality of the gender system, which utterly fails.

  42. carlie says

    Like a bunch of others here, I like to re-watch well-known episodes of favourite shows when I’m stressed out. I find that when I’m feeling anxious or blue, I don’t want any new material to think about.

    I’m that way with books. It’s a sign of getting really bad in stress world when I break out the Little House on the Prairie and the Wrinkle in Time series.

  43. carlie says

    I keep wanting to buy a season or two of Bob Ross to have something to watch to de-stress. They occasionally have a half-price sale, so I keep thinking about jumping in there. :)

  44. Parrowing says

    rq:

    I see you are a great admirer of BSG (the miniseries), too… I take pride in the fact that I got aaaallll my siblings addicted to it, too.

    Heh, I got my sister and husband addicted to it.

    *

    I’m another massive worrier.

    carlie @ 537:

    One time we were talking about some topic, and I rattled off every other thing that was remotely related to that topic that was an issue either right then or in the near future or in the intermediate future, probably about 10 things. He was floored and couldn’t understand how I could be worried about so many things at once and I was all “how can you NOT be thinking about all of these things all of the time?! This is why I don’t sleep at night!!”

    This sounds exactly like a conversation my husband and I had. On the one hand, I feel terrible asking my husband to take on some of my worries because it’s no fun thinking about these things all the time and if he doesn’t do it naturally, I don’t want him to start on my behalf. On the other hand, I really need to not be the only one thinking of certain things. It’s just too much. And then I get crippled by the anxiety and I can’t figure out how to start and I can’t do everything I need to do anyway so I’ll just sit here and worry. In truth, I actually do get the necessary things done because of it and they get done pretty early, too, because I’d worry myself silly if they didn’t. But that leaves no emotional energy for the things that aren’t quite necessary but would be pretty cool to get done.

    My go-to fall asleep movie used to be Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. The tone really worked for me. But now, almost every night, I watch ASMR videos or Let’s Plays. I have to keep my mind occupied and those are engaging enough that I’m distracted away from worrying but not important enough for me to care if I fall asleep before they’re over. Plus, if I use my sleep headphones, I can turn on my side and drift off…..

    *

    Nutmeg:

    I tend to not like breathing exercises either, but I’ve found that for me it’s mostly because I’ve only ever done them when someone else was guiding it. As I’ve realized, it’s the guided part I really dislike. The other person’s breathing pace almost never matches mine. I find myself breathing faster than feels relaxing to speed up or getting caught in the middle of a second breath when they want to move on because I finished earlier than they did. Also, it reminds me of being told to breathe when I go to the doctor and I don’t like doctor visits, so the association is unpleasant.

  45. Menyambal --- inesteemable says

    Thanks for the good wishes, folks. I got out to the grocery store and found thick pork steaks on sale. I indulged, and fried one up. I did not share with the pets.

    As for genders and bathrooms, it seems obvious to go into the one you are dressed for, and everyone mind their own business. Bathrooms should be built for as much privacy as possible. There should be one-person bathrooms anywhere there are complications. (One school I was at was all in a tizzy about how to deal with trans students, and nobody thought of redesignating one of the staff rooms … there are many kids who shouldn’t be allowed to use restrooms with others, trouble-makers, I mean, so a single-user room with limited admission would be handy for them, too.)

  46. Nutmeg says

    carlie:

    It’s a sign of getting really bad in stress world when I break out the Little House on the Prairie and the Wrinkle in Time series.

    Yep. For me, it’s Harry Potter for moderate stress, and Tamora Pierce or Robin McKinley for really tough times.

  47. says

    Actually the music in the aforementioned Trinity and Beyond is one of the strong points in the film. Composed by William Stromberg, performed by Moscow Symphony Orchestra, it’s powerful but not overwhelming.

  48. says

    Nutmeg @557,

    Now I’m curious – which McKinleys are your comfort book choices? Because I have several myself – Spindle’s End (Rosie reminds me of the Daughters at that age, which makes me giggle), Chalice, Deerskin and just lately Shadows. I have no idea why, but they’re soothing and reassuring.

    I also find myself rereading Seanan McGuire, Cranford and some of Jane Austen when my brain hurts. We have a bookcase headboard to our bed, which I’ve filled with my comfort books. Fortunately Husband prefers reading in his comfy chair, so his books are in the living room.

  49. Nutmeg says

    Anne D: It’s usually Sunshine for me. I don’t have paper copies of any of her other books right now. And Sunshine is my favourite. I don’t think I’ve read Shadows – I’ll have to find a copy.

  50. chigau (違う) says

    My ‘comfort reading’ is usually short stories that I read for the first time in the mid 1970s.
    Just like a lullaby.

  51. cicely says

    bassmike, glad that your little one is home, and doing better.

    It’s great to have her back home, but I’m struggling emotionally. I should be on a high, but I’m on an incredibly short fuse and back at work. I’m trying to keep away from people in general but some people specifically as I am likely to explode and I don’t want that. Maybe it’s lack of sleep, or pent up emotions, I don’t know.

    Dessert topping and floor wax. You’ve been under a lot of stress. Controlled Decompression can be hard.
     
    Don’t leave any bodies where just anyone can stumble over them, and you should be okay.
    :D
    -
    *dancedancedance*
    Son is coming to part of Skepticon with me!!!!
    *dancedancedance*
    -
    rq, thanks for the linky to the flu myth debunkment. I’ve posted it to my Farcebork page for my crunchier, more granola-esque friends to ignore.
    :P
     

    … And Jesus slept.

    And on the third day, He rose.
    -
    Glad to hear your mother’s move went well (though probably not entirely painlessly) birgerjohansson. Also glad to hear that Cat is fine and ripping around the way cats do. Nature of the beast, and alla that.
    :)
    -
    *hugs* for Nutmeg.
    At first glance, I read “anxiety workshop-group-thingy” as “anxiety-worship group thingy”.
    :)
    -
    CaitieCat:

    FWIW, my chronic insomnia is strongly related with the “can’t turn my brain off” anxiety.

    Brain time-shares! ‘Cause it sure sounds like you’re using mine…or it’s using you….

    When there’s something specific – and there usually is – to be worried about (cable bill, rent, meds, finding more clients to make the first three less scary), then I rotate in what I like to call a viscous circle, because I can’t get out of it once I’m in it. Though it’s really more of an inward spiral than a circle.

    On accounta being thick and sticky?
    :)
    I call it “circling the drain”, because it never goes anywhere but down. Obscene *slurrrping* “sounds” optional.

    Also, powerful meds can help. :D

    I used to use a little wine…but these days, have to limit the alcohol intake.
    The meds don’t like it.
    -
    Nerd, all this stuff that carlie says.
    -

  52. chigau (違う) says

    Nerd
    I’ve edited and deleted and re-edited several wisdom-spewing comments. feh
    just have some *hugs* for you and Redhead and all of your support people

  53. cicely says

    Question: Does a sentence “without possibility of parole” really mean what it says?
    -

  54. Menyambal --- inesteemable says

    Well, I had seen pen-spinning, but not for years and never thought it was a thing. Gotta love the internet and Japan.

    There’s a cane-twirling move I once saw and had to copy. It was just a casual thing done by Hugh Laurie as Bertie Wooster, before he was Dr. House, who leans on a cane all day. I dunno if House has ever done it. (It annoyed the crap out of my daughter, who called it a pimp roll, so I really worked on it.)

    If you want some comfort video, find Jeeves and Wooster. Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry doing P G Wodehouse and having a good time.

  55. Hekuni Cat, MQG says

    Nutmeg – I go for favorite books or tv series too when I’m stressing.

    cicely:

    Son is coming to part of Skepticon with me!!!!

    Hooray! Also, *pouncehug*

    rq – *pouncehug*

  56. cicely says

    chigau, it reminds me more of office-capable baton twirling.
    -
    *returnpouncehug* at Hekuni Cat.
    -

  57. jste says

    chigau, I knew it was a thing, I never realised that some places actually recognise it as a sport!!

    Generally if I’m stressed enough to need a distraction, you’ll find me buried undera pile of paper cranes. Books are dangerous. I have to get up at 5am, and it’s quite easy for me to forget that I need to, y’know, put the book *down*.

    So, this place is the broadest collection of opinions worth listening to that I know, and I’ve also seen a few interesting food conversations, so I’ll just throw a question out there. Anyone got any suggestions on good vegetarian recipes for someone who generally prefers a good piece of meat to just about any vegetables? Possibly involving tofu?

  58. says

    cicely

    Question: Does a sentence “without possibility of parole” really mean what it says?

    Yes, it does mean that, although some jurisdictions no longer allow such sentences, and later changes to law may require a parole hearing for someone who was previously not eligible.

    I also have a rotating selection of books that I go back and read when I’m stressed (rotating because some of the old chestnuts I can no longer stand).

  59. chigau (違う) says

    jste #572
    Slab-o-meat is hard to fake.
    If it’s something with ground beef (like a big pot of chili) then chopped tofu is a pretty easy replacement.

  60. jste says

    Yeah. I was thinking less “Here, this almost fakes a slab of meat” and more “this is something you might also enjoy.” ;)

  61. A. Noyd says

    @jste
    If this person likes mushrooms, try herbed polenta slices topped with roasted portobellos, tomato sauce and lots of mild, fresh cheese. A meal like that will be light on genuine veggies but heavy on the umami and animal-fat flavorings that make meat popular. And it should be delicious in its own right.

  62. says

    Crip Dyke@552. Okay, thanks for the 101 (102 perhaps?). Still, at some level I’m back to rq‘s 547 in a failure to grok “why”.

    Though as for the bulk of what you said, it’s possible current circumstances might have me better understanding some of the eye contact, etc bit you’re saying. I think one of my former bosses is transitioning, perhaps, maybe, possibly.

    I’m not close enough to him (I’ll stick with that until I know otherwise) to inquire, but to my mind there’s been the feminizing of clothes, addition of earings (both ears), other signs. Meeting them in the elevator I found myself consciously trying not to stare. Like the Steve Martin Roxanne movie sequence:

    Ralston: Man, whatever you do, don’t stare.

    Chris McConnell: Look, I’m not gonna stare, come on.

    Jerry: None of us would. But you get there, and you feel yourself not staring.

    Ralston: Then you think, “it’s obvious I’m not staring.” So you look, and you
    think, “I’m staring.” So you say, “this is ridiculous,” and you take a GOOD
    LOOK. And you think, “I’m looking at a man who, when he washes his face,
    loses the bar of soap.”

    Chris McConnell: [laughs] Thanks guys, all right.

    Ralston: Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

    I’m fine with whatever is up with him and obviously wish him no ill-will, but did I feel guilty for pseudo-staring (I didn’t proceed to the full-on stare stage) and felt bad that I might have made him uncomfortable in any way.

    _____________________________________________________________

    Arrgh! So, first day back from 4 days sick (2 missed work days). Feeling maybe 70% and even further behind than usual. Deputy Group Leader drops by my office at 3pm to ask “what’s the title of your 30 minute talk tomorrow at 1pm?”. “Ah. I thought X was giving the talk on our project?” “No, he’s giving a talk on his and Y’s part of the project; you’re supposed to have a separate talk on your aspects.” Ugh.

    Well, I rejiggered a previous talk (changing emphasis + adding/subtracting material) and just finished a little while ago. And I’ve run it though … at least in my head for material not directly on the slides (’cause just reading huge blocks of text slides is freaking boring everyone!).

    Now to quiet my mind so I can sleep. Though no doubt I’ll spend the night re-running it in my head. With added anxiety about not getting enough sleep and still recovering (skipped dinner tonight as I did yesterday, didn’t feel like eating — hey, I had something for breakfast and lunch).

    _____________________________________________________________

    chigau@566 pen spinning: checked the wiki page (don’t usually do youtubes). Yeah, I’m not sure I ever knew it was a “thing”, but I’ve seen it — can’t remember where or even whether it was in person or movies. I’ve tried it a few times, thought it might be a cool fidget activity, but I’m not dexterous to pull it off

  63. rq says

    cicely

    And on the third day, He rose.

    What a lazy bum!
    (May your crunchy granola friends ignore the link soundly. Mine were very good at ignoring my last vaccine link… So good, in fact, that I posted this one up for them as well. I have not yet moved into directly-on-their-wall territory, but Ah’m thinkin’ about it.)

    Hekuni Cat
    *sleepypouncehugs* (It is, after all, morning-before-tea = not real morning yet!)

    re: pen spinning
    (Forgive me for reading it wrong the first time, it’s morning.)
    I had a friend who did a lower-grade version of this while figuring math and/or physics problems. It was veeery distracting.

    dontpanic
    Good luck with the presentation!

    +++

    I think I’m going to a blood-stain analysis workshop next week, if I can 100% convince Husband that, for three days, we can switch work schedules (me – day, him – evening). *fingers crossed*

  64. says

    dontpanic, I will say the sad thing, that you probably did make your former boss uncomfortable if he’s transitioning. I know when I started doing the “little femmey stuff I could get away with”, like shaving my legs (“I’m biking to keep up my fitness off-season, and I don’t wanna get road-pizza’d”) or shaping my eyebrows slightly, or wearing my (then nearly waist-length) hair in a french braid, with a scrunchy that matched both my shirt and boat shoes, the little stuff.

    The staring didn’t upset me much initially, but once I’d transitioned for proper, staring became terrifying. Because staring is (IME, Y(L/100km)MV) always the first stage when someone’s going to initiate some form of abuse, whether verbal or physical. So being stared at, for a long time, creeped me out no end, and it’s still a bit hard to get used to. I’m now okay with making eye contact while conversing, and I’ve grown a lot less immediately freaked out when it does happen, not least because matching ID makes part of the problem less bothersome. Few people anymore misgender me in person, which is a nice place to be at. When I first transitioned, my goals were much lower. In the first couple of months, I really just wanted to be able to go out, do what needed doing, and come home, without being verbally or physically abused. My first goal was that I should make at least one outing in two without being misgendered.

    That took maybe three months or so, including a rather intense two-week session where I pretty much locked myself in my room with the Indigo Girls‘ album Rites of Passage, and didn’t come out until I could match Amy Ray’s voice note for note (the voice I still use today; it’s like my old one, which was a tenor/baritone, only with the bottom half of the range chopped off). Other people say they like it, which i always find odd, because in my head I sound like crap.

    After that, my next goal was that 3/4 of my outings would have no less than 3/4 of the people I met gendering me correctly; that was another three months or so.

    The last goal I set took a fair bit longer, that was 90/90, which meant that ’90% of my outings, 90% of people are reading me right’.

    But in all that, I very quickly learnt that people who stared and weren’t smiling were potentially dangerous, because a series of incidents of beatings on the street and the like were preceded by non-smiling stares. Now I notice people staring at me, every time it happens. It’s a survival skill.

    So, if your old boss is transitioning, then yes, there’s a decent chance you kinda freaked ‘em out by staring some. IMNVHO, the easiest way to disarm your stare is with eye contact and a genuine warm smile, the kind that reaches your eyes. The other possible disarm after realizing you’ve been staring could be a nice compliment, “Oh, sorry for staring, you just have really remarkable features, my apologies.” This is a polite fiction that can let you both out of the Awkward Bag when it drops on you.

  65. Beatrice, an amateur cynic looking for a happy thought says

    Last day at work. Weird.
    I’ve been here less than a year, but I got used to it and now I’m afraid of doing the “new at the job, getting to know people and work” all over again.

  66. says

    Hi folks
    Kinda ‘rupt

    bassmike
    I’m glad your little one is back home again.
    As for being on a short fuse: shouting at inanimate objects like the washing machine helps.
    And you can vent here, that helps, too. Chewtoys may be also appropriate anger-reliefs.

    Cripdyke
    Did I tell you you rock lately?

    +++
    Yay for socialised healthcare. I just got: Thyroxin, anti-gastritis medication, anti-shit -yourself medication and a flu shot. Out of the pocket? around 10$…

    +++
    And this week from the department of “being a member of a diadvantaged group doesn’t necessarily make you more aware”: One of the people who need to access the building via the ramp is currently parking so that no one else can access it…

  67. Ogvorbis: Apologies Available for All! says

    Good morning.

    Not feeling good. Calling in sick. Heading back to bed.

  68. says

    @rq:

    There are a large number of women in science that I don’t know, and that’s really sad. History is white-washed and male-washed, so I imagine we’ve lost a lot of that knowledge because “oh, she’s just a lady” or “oh, he’s just a negro” sort of things…

  69. rq says

    Giliell
    … Kitty litter cake? Photo or recipe, please.

    Kevin
    You know what? I was going through that list of women (of whom I knew so little), and it struck me that they were all white – more than that, they were all from a very narrow set of backgrounds (United Kingdom/Ireland, Germany/Austria, with a dash of America…). Where’s the rest of the world? I mean, there’s 12 women in that photo. You’d think at least one would be of colour, from a completely different set of cultural backgrounds…

  70. Pteryxx says

    via Ed, reports on how having judges elected through dark-moneyed campaigns causes them to act Tough On Crime: source

    For each of these courts, CAP examined 4,684 rulings in criminal cases for a time period starting five years before a given state’s first $3 million high court election and ending five years after that election.

    The findings reveal a clear trend: As campaign cash increased, the courts studied began to rule more often in favor of prosecutors and against criminal defendants.

    -The 2004 Illinois Supreme Court race broke judicial campaign spending records. As Illinois voters were bombarded with attack ads featuring violent criminals, the high court ruled in favor of the prosecution in 69 percent of its criminal cases—an 18 percent increase over the previous year.

    -Some states saw a sharp increase in rulings for the state just after their first elections in which spending reached $3 million. Mississippi’s high court, for example, saw its first $3 million election in 2000 and some nasty political attack ads that same year. When the next judicial election rolled around two years later, in 2002, Mississippi’s justices ruled against criminal defendants in 90 percent of the high court’s criminal cases—a 20 percent increase from 2000.

    From an earlier article on Wisconsin specifically: source

    Independent spending grew even more in 2011, with at least $3.5 million spent on television ads. The re-election campaign of conservative Wisconsin Supreme Court Justice David Prosser was supported by more than $2 million from conservative groups and big-business groups. Nearly half of this money came from a secretive group affiliated with Americans for Prosperity, the conservative group backed by billionaires Charles and David Koch that ran misleading attack ads against Justice Prosser’s opponent, then-Assistant Attorney General JoAnne Kloppenburg. [...]

    These bitter political battles led to a sharply divided bench as consensus became scarce. The schism in the high court grew even wider as the state was torn apart by the fight over Gov. Walker’s anti-collective bargaining bill. As the court was deliberating a challenge to the bill, Justice Prosser was accused of choking a fellow jurist. Justice Prosser also called Chief Justice Shirley S. Abrahamson of the Wisconsin Supreme Court a “total bitch,” adding that he would “destroy” her in a “war.”

    The articles have PDF reports available.

  71. Pteryxx says

    via Ed, reports on how having judges elected through dark-moneyed campaigns causes them to act Tough On Crime: source

    For each of these courts, CAP examined 4,684 rulings in criminal cases for a time period starting five years before a given state’s first $3 million high court election and ending five years after that election.

    The findings reveal a clear trend: As campaign cash increased, the courts studied began to rule more often in favor of prosecutors and against criminal defendants.

    -The 2004 Illinois Supreme Court race broke judicial campaign spending records. As Illinois voters were bombarded with attack ads featuring violent criminals, the high court ruled in favor of the prosecution in 69 percent of its criminal cases—an 18 percent increase over the previous year.

    -Some states saw a sharp increase in rulings for the state just after their first elections in which spending reached $3 million. Mississippi’s high court, for example, saw its first $3 million election in 2000 and some nasty political attack ads that same year. When the next judicial election rolled around two years later, in 2002, Mississippi’s justices ruled against criminal defendants in 90 percent of the high court’s criminal cases—a 20 percent increase from 2000.

    From an earlier article on Wisconsin specifically: source

    Independent spending grew even more in 2011, with at least $3.5 million spent on television ads. The re-election campaign of conservative Wisconsin Supreme Court Justice David Prosser was supported by more than $2 million from conservative groups and big-business groups. Nearly half of this money came from a secretive group affiliated with Americans for Prosperity, the conservative group backed by billionaires Charles and David Koch that ran misleading attack ads against Justice Prosser’s opponent, then-Assistant Attorney General JoAnne Kloppenburg. [...]

    These bitter political battles led to a sharply divided bench as consensus became scarce. The schism in the high court grew even wider as the state was torn apart by the fight over Gov. Walker’s anti-collective bargaining bill. As the court was deliberating a challenge to the bill, Justice Prosser was accused of choking a fellow jurist. Justice Prosser also called Chief Justice Shirley S. Abrahamson of the Wisconsin Supreme Court a “total b*tch,” adding that he would “destroy” her in a “war.”

    [asterisk mine]

    The articles have PDF reports available.

  72. Pteryxx says

    aaaand in not entirely unrelated news:

    http://www.salon.com/2013/10/31/the_rights_war_on_pregnant_women/

    According to research compiled by NAPW, between 1973 and 2005, there have been 413 documented cases in which a woman’s pregnancy was a necessary factor in criminal charges brought against her by the state. In these cases and the 200 others that have been documented since 2005, women have been deprived of due process, the right to legal counsel, freedom of movement and other basic constitutional protections simply because they were pregnant. [...]

    It’s in these cases that one can see the clear intersections and dangerous consequences of the so-called war on drugs, the ongoing assault on women’s reproductive rights and the dismal state of access to healthcare in the United States. And it is overwhelmingly and disproportionately African American and low-income women who are left trapped by these convergences; a “Jane Crow system of law that establishes a second class status for all pregnant women,” according to Paltrow.

    And the war on workers:

    http://www.salon.com/2013/10/31/newts_revenge_child_labor_makes_a_comeback/

    Lafer highlights a slew of other laws passed in the two years following the 2010 right-wing electoral romp. Among them: Michigan banned safety regulations covering repetitive motion. Florida banned local paid sick leave mandates. Wisconsin banned compensatory and punitive damage suits over employment discrimination. New Hampshire made it easier for companies to classify workers as “independent contractors” lacking the legal rights of employees. Maine allowed employers to apply for employees to be considered disabled, and to determine what fraction of the minimum wage to pay employees classified as such.

    The report also tallies a number of business-backed bills that were pushed in the same period but fell short of becoming law, including 17 “right to work” bills (along with the ones that passed in Michigan and Indiana); a Montana bill excluding tips from workers’ compensation calculations; an Oklahoma bill requiring those receiving unemployment to do 20 hours of weekly unpaid community service; and a Florida bill prohibiting municipalities from passing any rules to address “wage theft” – companies’ failure to pay employees’ their legally owed wages.

    Lafer’s report emphasizes the role of a number of national right-wing groups in pushing such legislation, especially the American Legislative Exchange Council. “Ultimately,” writes Lafer, “the key ‘exchange’ that ALEC facilitates is between corporate donors and state legislators. The corporations pay ALEC’s expenses, contribute to legislators’ campaigns, and fund the state-level think tanks that promote legislation; in return, legislators carry the corporate agenda into their statehouses.” ALEC’s website states that its “Commerce, Insurance and Economic Development Task Force’s model policies on labor preserve freedom of association for employees while protecting worker choice and taxpayer dollars.”

    Sheesh. Is there any right-wing anti-everything wave of policies that ISN’T backed by Koch dark money via ALEC, except maybe the War on Gays?

  73. Tony! The Immorally Inferior Queer Shoop! says

    Hi folks.
    Was cruising down the Lounge doin’ about 45 mph, catching up, when I came screeching to a halt.

    kitty litter cake???!!!

    ****
    Bassmike:
    Glad to hear the little one is back home.
    Re: short fuse–Check out the Thunderdome (if you don’t already). When we get a visit from a creationist or anti-feminist, it can be great for relieving stress and short fuses.

  74. carlie says

    Tony – I avoid Thunderdome like the plague – every time I’ve wandered in I seem to step in something immediately and have to retreat with my tail between my legs. ;)

  75. says

    Paging Caine, Pteryxx, mouthyb, Tethys, Cerberus, woodsong, Giliell, NightShadeQueen, Crip Dyke, Sally Strange, PatrickG, cactusren, Bicarbonate and anyone I may have missed from the Maryville thread who expressed interest:

    UPDATE re: The Fault Line Project.

    1-A trusted friend with web development experience is investigating web architecture and related resources for us.

    2-I am also in the process of securing legal representation for trademark filing, copyright counseling (so as not to run afoul of any copyright issues with The It Gets Better Project) and assistance setting up a 501(c)(3) charitable organization. To that end, we would need people willing to serve as board members. I realize this is a big ask, given the backlash we know we can expect from the Misogyny Brigades simply for being victim advocates. It would be particularly helpful if applicants have either non-profit board experience and/or sexual assault advocacy experience and/or suicide prevention experience. Also: a well-armed private security force and a partner in Anonymous. : |

    If you or anyone you know might be interested in serving on The Fault Line Project board, please let me know or feel free to put them in touch with me directly: irisvpluym AT gmail d0+ c0m. Shoot me a note there if you’d like to be updated by email going forward.

    I probably won’t be able to check in at all today, because I’m making dozens of pumpkin cupcakes for a Halloween party tonight. Priorities: I haz them.

  76. thunk, decus et tutamen says

    ugh… watching everybody I know in stylish Halloween costumes is just reinforcing how badly I fail at standing up for myself transness-wise.

    It’s just annoying how I have no energy left to buy clothes, lent alone do any of the myriad other things that might actually allow me to socially transition. all that’s left is resentment and pipe dreams.

    (and crip dyke, caitie cat, y’all are a great help.)

  77. says

    Dear thunk, I’m happy to ehart be of any help I e66 can. My e-mail addy is buried in that first sentence in bold, and will be complete with the addition of google’s mail domain.

    Feel free to write any time. I have the same attitude to doing Trans 101 on demand as Crip Dyke does, but it does depend on who’s asking. When it’s someone trying to find a way to transition, that’s a lot easier for me to be available for 101 than when it’s a cis person trying to understand trans-ness.

    Hallowe’en is a bittersweet time for a lot of trans* folk, because it often involves some misgendering as people think you’re “in costume” rather than “in your clothes”. But it also allows people pre-transition to have a night of being treated something like ourselves in public, and that can be hella powerful.

    So yeah – you need help, thunk, I’m all over it, just ask. Also, some bent and wobbly hugs into the auto-serve hug machine’s hopper. :)

  78. says

    This business of right-wingers presenting horror stories about Obamacare, followed swiftly by people with working brains debunking said stories, has become a genre of its own. There are dozens of these stories and more are added hourly.

    Of course the horror gets frequent rotation on Fox News etc., but the debunking gets little to no coverage.

    …Deborah Cavallaro has a pretty awful health plan, which costs $293 a month in premiums, along with a deductible of $5,000 a year and a limit of two doctor visits a year, each of which come with a $40 copay. If she sees her physician more than twice, she’s responsible for 100% of the costs.

    Under “Obamacare,” she can sign up for a “silver” coverage plan for $333 a month with a vastly reduced deductible and no limits on the number of times she’s able to see her doctor. She can also sign up for a “bronze” plan and pay as little as $194 a month. She’d have the same deductible she has now, but she’d save on premiums and have no limits on the number of visits.

    Under either plan, this woman would have fewer health care costs and greater security with coverage that couldn’t be taken away.

    When Cavallaro said during a televised interview that “for the first time in my whole life, I will be without insurance,” it simply didn’t make sense given the subsidized options available to her – including a plan that would save her money every month.

    In other words, we have yet another person characterized by the media as a victim who really isn’t a victim at all. The dreaded “Obamacare” monster is allegedly hurting so many Americans, but news organizations keep failing to find genuine examples.

    http://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/another-horror-story-another-debunking

    Additional debunkings of Obamacare horror stories:
    Salon link.
    LA Times link.
    Washington Post link.

  79. thunk, decus et tutamen says

    awww thanks, caitie cat. *hugs back*

    My main problem here is myself, and my transition anxiety didn’t even let me get a costume at all.

    I have supportive friends like whoa… but internalised transphobia (to the point of sheer revulsion at other transpeople). how do I get past it?

  80. says

    but internalised transphobia (to the point of sheer revulsion at other transpeople). how do I get past it?

    That’s a really hard one. In trying to understand my own feelings that way, part of what came to me is that spending time with other trans* people in public might undermine my ability to “pass”, because once people spot one of us, they often practice heightened scrutiny on anyone with us. Also, the more of us in one place at one time, the more it becomes a sort of target-rich environment for those who really hate us.

    So for me, anyway, the “revulsion” was more about the likelihood of being misgendered, and the potential consequences of that happening in public. Since I realized that, I’ve come to have a number of friends who are trans*, and even one of my current partners (I’m poly) is trans*. But I had to become a lot more secure in my own identity before I could open up that much. Y(L/100km)MV.

  81. says

    Rep. Renee Ellmers, R-N.C, wants to revert to the old days when women paid more for insurance than men.

    … Ellmers is correct to observe that human males don’t gestate human children. Likewise, no human female, to the best of my knowledge, has ever developed testicular or prostate cancer. A big part of what the Affordable Care Act does is recognize that treating cancer and bearing children are costly but common things our society places a great deal of value on, and defrays the costs of doing them broadly, even if they’re sex-specific. That women shouldn’t be financially penalized, by accident of birth, for having wombs. Perhaps if human fetuses were incubated in nests like birds, Ellmers would see the value in socializing the costs of advancing the species.

    Having women alone pay the costs of maternity insurance is a good way to transfer wealth from women to men. Meanwhile, a man with prostate cancer can expect his treatment to be subsidized by women. Makes so much sense. /sarcasm.
    Salon link.

  82. A. Noyd says

    @Lynna (#604)
    I wonder how many of the people complaining about sharing the costs of producing babies are the same people who want to restrict birth control and prohibit abortions.

  83. Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden says

    @Giliel, 583; thunk 599:

    huh? Is there anything specific I’ve done for either of you lately? Or is this just having me around on Pharyngula generally? Obviously I’m pleased if I can be helpful.

    Although I’m generally up for helping anyone in the Horde (non-financially, as I’m living off student loans and Ms Crip Dyke’s severance package right now), I do encourage you, specifically, thunk, to ask for help when you need it…and, more importantly, when you want it. We so stigmatize trans folk that it’s hard enough asking for others to pretty-please not misgender us in the public restroom for shits and giggles, that it can be hard to internalize the thought that we get to ask people to actually **assist** us in living trans and that yes, some people will actually gives us that help.

    I think a lot of people around here are willing to be some people.

    @irisvanderpluym

    I founded a non-profit that ran gangbusters for 4 years and then limped on (to this day) b/c I stopped putting in the work to keep it going. I also served for a year on a local non-profit serving persons with disabilities. I’ve worked in shelter with a hotline for 8 years. I’ve consulted for shelters and hotlines for 16 years now, doing trainings on how to do integrated anti-oppression work (work that opposes multiple oppressions at a time while being a supplement to and not distraction from core mission, whatever that is), revising training manuals, that sort of thing. Also, I have a smattering of knowledge about the law in the US and Canada (but no practical business-org knowledge in either country, save bits I picked up during my incorporation process 15 years ago and which is both scanty and outdated now: I won’t take business orgs til 3rd year). My programming experience was years ago and not web or java based, so I think anything I might remember on that score would be pretty irrelevant to anything you want to do. I lack PR experience, and, generally, wouldn’t want to be involved in PR. I do have curriculum and writing experience, though, so creation of content used in a public campaign is something to which I could contribute. I have volunteer recruitment experience, but I wouldn’t want to exercise it as I just don’t feel like I have enough time for that. I’m willing to do committee work, of course, but I’m a bad fundraiser and have no strength in financial matters beyond ability to do math and drive a spreadsheet.

    Given these strengths & weaknesses, I think I could be a useful contributor to such a board, though obviously some of the expertise you’re seeking is beyond me.

    And, yes, its a lot to ask someone with a family in law school, but I’m willing: it’s important.

    I will, of course, also e-mail this, but I wanted to publicly discuss what I had to offer – and my willingness – b/c I hope that others can think of complementary experience that they might bring, and that public commitment by one can inspire public commitment by others.

  84. says

    Like father like son. Ted Cruz’s father says the USA is a “Christian Nation,” and that President Obama should go back to Kenya. The US Constitution is a”revelation from God” according to Rafael Cruz.

    … he went on to say, “yet our president has the gall to tell us that this is not a Christian nation…The United States of America was formed to honor the word of God.” Seven months earlier, Rafael Cruz, speaking to the North Texas Tea Party on behalf of his son, who was then running for Senate, called President Barack Obama an “outright Marxist” who “seeks to destroy all concept of God,” …

    This is not just another instance of “crazy relative says crazy stuff.” Ted Cruz uses his father as a source, as a campaign aide, and as a prominent speaker. Cruz holds his father up as an example of all that is right and holy. He cites and quotes him repeatedly.

    The elder Cruz has become a conservative star as he runs around proclaiming that christians are “anointed” by God to “take dominion” of the world. None of this creepy separation of church and state for him.

    Rafael Cruz also endorsed the evangelical belief known as the “end-time transfer of wealth”—that is, as a prelude to the second coming of Christ, God will seize the wealth of the wicked and redistribute it to believers.

    Mother Jones link.

  85. cicely says

    Dalillama, thanks! The Husband thinks that a sentence of “3 @99 year terms + 55 years, with no possibility of parole” is basically “10 to 15 years, then out with a slap on the wrist”.
     
    Which would be bad.
    Bad, bad, bad.
    -
    Courage, Beatrice. I’m sure you’ll do fine at New Job.
    *hug*
    -
    rq, that brains and sleep cartoon is so awesome-and-true, I immediately posted it to my Farcebork.
    -
    *hugs & chikkensoop* for Ogvorbis.
    -
    *hugs* and support for thunk.
    -
    Crip Dyke, you are just all-round-and-generally awesome, and a real asset for the Hivemind.
    :) :) :)
    -

  86. says

    For Halloween — more horrifying tales of how Rafael Cruz shaped his family and, in particular, his son, Ted Cruz:


    During his sermon at this church, Rafael Cruz preached that men, not women, are the spiritual leaders of their families: “As God commands us men to teach your wife, to teach your children—to be the spiritual leader of your family—you’re acting as a priest. Now, unfortunately, unfortunately, in too many Christian homes, the role of the priest is assumed by the wife. Why? Because the man had abdicated his responsibility as priest to his family…

    As Rafael Cruz recounted at the Hood County tea party event, he had a powerful role in shaping his son, introducing Ted, when he was in middle school, to the Free Enterprise Education Center, where the young Cruz was flooded with Austrian School libertarian economics and archly conservative interpretations of US history. Cruz excelled in this setting and went on to become part of a traveling road show of teens called the Constitutional Corroborators. …

    And there are those freaking Austrian economists again! They recently showed up in one of PZ’s posts about MRA nonsense.

  87. Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden says

    Well, thank you cicely.

    I actually thought about starting a blog recently, but decided that

    1. a significant value of whatever I write here is that PZ’s work guarantees a bunch of people read me that wouldn’t otherwise

    2. a significant value of whatever I write here is its place in dialog: in monolog I think it would be much less valuable.

    3. I can’t guarantee to post consistently: I’m in school (and on student government) and that means random-length absences when things come up, when assignments are due, and when exams role around.

    and,
    4. I have no experience in web development: creating my own website would be a complete pain in my ass, and administering would be another.

    I really value the idea of controlling the agenda so I get to talk about my own priorities in a way that would feel inappropriate and weird here, and I think I could write things that would be useful to people – things that really get discussed in very few places given some of my specialized background, but couldn’t justify the time as a new commitment and didn’t want to steal from my time with the Horde (from whom I gain a lot…another reason not to de-prioritize it in favor of website design).

    So I decided to skip it and remain a faceless Horde member. Comments like yours (and Tony gave me a nice shout-out recently) makes me feel like I’ve really made the right decision.

  88. Pteryxx says

    my bad… Koch brothers *do* totally fund anti-gay groups too, they just are really quiet about it.

    Miri’s latest on the importance of sex ed in combatting sexual violence is also part of Secular Woman’s sex ed series this month, including:

    http://www.secularwoman.org/Pizza_and_Pregnancy_Tests

    I didn’t have sexual health education at my school until I was seventeen years old. By that time, multiple girls in my class (including my friend) had already become pregnant and dropped out of school. A few boys in my class were teased for impregnating girls who attended other schools.

    The sexual health education we did eventually receive at our school was dismal. Outdated textbooks depicted cross-section diagrams of human genitalia and stock photographs of wholesome teenagers with 80′s haircuts. The texts heavily involved hygiene and diseases, with recurrent life advice focusing on abstinence. We were never taught about condoms or other contraceptives, nor about consent or safe sex.

    and http://www.secularwoman.org/A_Catholic_Girls_Calling_to_Sex_Ed

    Later, as an adult, in thinking about how my interest in sexuality began, I felt angry and ashamed that it was linked prominently to pain and violence, and not pleasure. My interest was steeped in stigma and shame. My access to positive messages of sex and relationships was censored and oppressed by my religious upbringing. Don’t even get me started on my love affair with the Thorn Birds.

    I also mentioned at Miri’s that sex ed shouldn’t be associated with just teenagers, as all kids right down to the very young deserve respect for their bodies and defense against the shaming effects of sexual violence.

    How teaching kids about their genitalia can help prevent sex crimes

  89. blf says

    Zombie Attack at Hierakonpolis

    Nah. It’s just that pyramids resist incoming cheese-seeking penguins, so the mildly deranged penguin resorted to other measures: Instead of tunneling into the cheese stores, have the residents open the doors and carry the cheese out. Removing the heads before reanimating them (all done using your basic remote brainz control technique) was just a precaution against them eating the cheese.

    All a bit pointless, however. Pyramids may be great at sharpening razor blades (except, for some, the Occam brand), but are terrible at storing cheese. Most of what the headless residents carried out had to be dumped in the Sahara Forest.

  90. cicely says

    Pyramids may be great at sharpening razor blades (except, for some, the Occam brand), but are terrible at storing cheese. Most of what the headless residents carried out had to be dumped in the Sahara Forest.

    Thus explaining the disappearance of the Sahara Forest and following desertification of the area; and just incidentally, explaining how “sahara”, once synonymous with “lush, dense forest”, came to mean “lifeless sand dunes”, and finally, “desert”.
    -

  91. says

    Good evening
    Crip Dyke
    A general “I really like to read your posts, value your insights and the food for thoughts you’re giving”

    thunk
    *hugs*

    Halloween food today
    Kitty litter cake
    Ogre snot cupcakes
    Bug soup
    Freshly baked bones
    monster burgers
    Sadly no pics
    But Kitty litter cake is dead easy to make:
    Make a basic sponge cake recipe. I added some extra vanilla and orange peel
    Make custard.
    Mix about 2/3 of your sponge cake broken down with the custard in the most kitty-litterish dish you have
    Either use blue food colouring and mix a small part of the remaining sponge cake with it or just use blue sugar pearls like I did. Crumble rest of the sponge and blue sponge on top.
    And now for the best part: use some bought chocolate cake. Roll it in your hand to make the turd and place on litter.
    Happy Halloween!

  92. Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden says

    @Giliel:

    Thank you. The Horde is pretty amazing in general, lots of stuff I learn, and I look forward to reading a comment when I see your ‘nym on it.

    ============

    As long as we’re giving shout-outs, I’m endlessly fascinated by the relationships between languages and words, and David M’s etymologies, translations, and linguistics posts give me multiple geekgasms.

  93. Esteleth, statistically significant to p ≤ 0.001 says

    My evening so far:
    (1) Get off work
    (2) Buy groceries
    (3) Get home, unpack groceries
    (4) Wonder where handbag is
    (5) Call grocery store
    (6) Go back to store
    (7) Get bag

    Fortunately, nothing is missing.

  94. chigau (違う) says

    6°C, winds gusting to 50km/h and rain.
    How many Trick or Treaters are we going to have tonight?

  95. Pteryxx says

    http://www.salon.com/2013/10/31/what_witches_have_to_do_with_womens_health/

    Second, women were persecuted for associating with other women, accused of forming covens or holding parties with Satan. Women who came together to celebrate holidays or to share information, trade herbs, gossip or otherwise, you know, hang out together were considered dangerous. Third, women were punished for being poor and helping the poor. As Ehrenreich and English point out, the church was inclined to instruct the desperately impoverished, who made up the vast bulk of the population, to bypass the ministrations of women healers and look to the afterlife for solace while, at the same time, supporting medicine and medical help for the nobility. “Male, upper-class healing under the auspices of the medieval church was acceptable, female healing as part of a peasant subculture was not,” Ehrenreich and English explained. Fourth, they appear to have been particularly maligned for providing obstetric support and for using empirical reasoning. Lastly, women were charged as witches because they were successful. Take the case of Jacoba Felicie, who was tried in 1322. Her accusation read, “she would cure her patient of internal illness…visit the sick assiduously and continue to examine…in the manner of physicians.” No less than six witnesses described how she’d successfully treated the when “doctors” had failed. This was evidence against her, by the way.

  96. carlie says

    Just got back from the tricks or treats. Child 2 wanted to go, even though he’s getting a bit old for it. It was drizzling the whole time, so I held the umbrella, but it’s surprisingly mild temps (almost 60). I got a little verklempt while we were out, thinking of how this is the neighborhood the kids have grown up in, and the only place they’ve ever known for the trick or treating. He went as Steve from Minecraft, which some people recognized, some didn’t, I heard one group saying “Where’s the guy with the box head? Oh, there he is!” and another saying “He’s a pixel man! Awesome! You go, pixel man!” and a little girl said “Mommy, he’s a grownup!” and the mom was all “No honey, he’s just a bigger kid”. He went until he was worn out, and he came home with a bunch of loot to eat and a bunch to exchange with us for nut-free versions.

  97. Pteryxx says

    O_o and thanks to a Salon article about women’s health care and witchcraft, now I know where Pratchett’s Monstrous Regiment got its title from.

  98. Pteryxx says

    There is just too much awesome on The Mary Sue tonight.

    Upcoming DC superhero to be based on real-life teen activist

    CBC has the news that not only has Lemire decided to look to real Canadian teens for inspiration, he’s chosen one teen in particular: Shannen Koostachin, a teen activist of the Cree Nation who fought for the rights of First Nation children to be provided with safe and comfortable schools.

    Koostachin began her activist work in 2007 when the Canadian federal government, responsible for funding education on First Nation reserves, broke its third commitment to rebuild her former school. The J.R. Nakogee elementary school had been condemned since 2000 due to a “decades old” fuel leak, with students being taught in makeshift portable units instead of fully equipped classrooms. Her online campaign, Students Helping Students, sought to help her home town of Attawapiskat rebuild its school, and by the age of fourteen, after speaking for Students Helping Students to newspapers, conferences, and in front of the Canadian parliament building, she was nominated for the International Children’s Peace Prize. Unfortunately, Koostachin died in a car accident in 2010, just shy of her sixteenth birthday.

    and squeeworthy costumes everywhere, including this little girl as all 11 Doctors.

  99. FossilFishy(Anti-Vulcanist) says

    I just had a customer ask where the camping store was in town.

    Me: “It’s on this street, two blocks that way.”

    Him: “Oh, so it’s a fair walk then.”

    Me: “…..Uh, it’s two blocks?”

    And to be clear: he walked into the store at a rapid pace without the slightest sign of a limp, hitch or disability and arrived at the counter with no shortness of breath. Perhaps he has some condition, but if so it was in no way obvious. What makes a reasonably fit adult think that two blocks is a fair walk?

  100. ImaginesABeach says

    And if two blocks is a fair walk, why bother with a camping store. Camping takes more energy than walking two blocks.

  101. ImaginesABeach says

    I was half listening to GirlChild and her friend talking this evening while I was preparing dinner. I heard GirlChild declare “horses are creepy.” 2 states away, and cicely has managed to affect my GirlChild.

  102. pHred says

    Took my offspring trick-or-treating at Grandmas house. Her neighborhood is nice and safe and has sidewalks. We always provide Grandma with candy to give out at the door too. Some of the people over there were giving out whole full sized candy bars! The weather is oddly warm here too. In the 60′s but raining. I carried an umbrella and tried to keep my daughter dry. She told me that Batman doesn’t care if it is raining. This was also the first time I ever trick-or-treated from house to house at a run. Because Batman is fast! We got a workout and left Daddy and her brother behind as we flew from house to house.

    When we got home the kids when through their candy and picked out candy to donate tomorrow for the drive. They pulled out stuff they didn’t want like Skiddles and Milk Duds but they also added in some
    “Good Candy” too like Crunch bars and M&Ms. I have good kids.

    Now we are in bed and I can finally surrender to my cold. Ugh. I feel miserable.

  103. morgan ?! epitheting a metaphor says

    Hello Lounge Lizards,

    What is your favorite Halloween costume that you wore, and when? Mine was in 1970. The film The Lion In Winter had been produced two years previous and I had watched it soooo many times… Peter O’Toole and Katherine Hepburn. Wonderful.

    So I donned a bronze velvet suit and teased my hair up into a mane-esque thing. I fabricated a couple of appropriately feline ears from the feet of panty-hose (remember those horrible things), attached them, and sprayed canned snow all over my head and shoulders. I crafted a suitably leonine face with stage make-up. I went to a party of theater people and of course everyone immediately identified my “Lion in Winter”. It was grand fun. The costume prize winner that night was a very tall, very thin fellow who dressed himself in a bright pink leotard and tights and wore a folding director’s chair on his head. He was, of course, bubble gum stuck to the bottom of a chair.

  104. Markita Lynda—threadrupt says

    Crudely Wrott, I just looked in and saw your news. I’m so terribly sorry to hear about your loss. Know that you’re in my thoughts. Invisible hugs to you and your child’s mother.

  105. says

    morgan@634, mine wasn’t particularly special ’cause it got created on the fly (10min or less!). I was living in a college dorm in ’82 and others insisted that I attend the Halloween party going on; I had no prior plans to do so, but I think pranking threats were made. So I went “semi-formal” with suit coat, dress shirt, tie over swim trunks. It was kind’a funny, though women kept lifting my coat tails up to see what was underneath which was a little weird for me. I think there was alcohol involved (mostly for them, not for me).

    My memory doesn’t extend far enough back to remember the days when I could legitimately trick-or-treat so I can’t really comment on those…

  106. Tony! The Immorally Inferior Queer Shoop! says

    Crip Dyke:
    Funny that you mentioned the thought of blogging. I had been wondering if you had one. And now through the power of TeleNetPathy, you answered my question before I asked :)

    ****

    FossilFishy:
    Perhaps the guy simply had no idea what a _block_ is. Or, maybe an incorrect idea.

  107. chigau (違う) says

    I give up (for the night).
    Everything I do logs me out.

    Hi Tony!
    g’night Tony!

  108. Tony! The Immorally Inferior Queer Shoop! says

    Morgan:
    Sadly, I remember very little of my past. No memories of costumes in particular, save the last time I dressed up, which was Halloween 2003, before my move to the Gulf Coast (I went as Morpheus from The Matrix).
    _
    I may have mentioned this before, but I feel a lack of connection to many of my memories growing up. I can rattle off places I lived, some friends I had, noteworthy events, etc–but the way I recall them is akin to watching snapshots from the life of someone else. I know the memories are mine, but they have no emotional resonance. As I think about it, there are a handful of memories I feel an emotional connection to:

    1- Sunday morning brunch with my sister. I was old enough to drive and had a Mazda B2000 truck. Sundays, I would treat the two of us to Shoney’s breakfast bar. Occasionally, I would tease her as we left, locking the door and putting the truck in drive, but my foot off the accelerator. I do not recall her terribly worried about being left. As if she knew I wasn’t going to leave without her.

    2- Coming out of the closet to my parents. I have talked about how devastating that was, so perhaps thats why I remember it well, and connect to the memory.

    3- Coming out to my best friend in my senior year of high school. I remember being scared, deeply scared he would reject me. The relief I felt when he shrugged and said it did not bother him was enormous. He was the first person I came out to and his reaction was an important turning point for me. I can only speculate how things would have gone had he reacted differently.

    4- coming out to my general manager at my first job. She had no problem with me being gay, but when she found out I was attracted to white men –THAT– was a problem. No dating outside your race for her (this was Huntsville, AL…the belt buckle of the Bible Belt)

    5- recognizing something was different about me in the 8th grade. I remember looking at my gym coach and liking what I saw, but feeling it was wrong.

    6- Coming out to my sister. We had lunch at Mozzarella Cafe. To her it was no big deal. I think I told her just prior to telling my parents.

    7- The occasional theft of adult magazines from a convenience store right near the gate to the Army base my father was stationed at. Not my best moments. I probably would have continued if I had not gotten bolder and decided to try shoplifting ON base. This little shop near the commisary carried Playgirl and I knew what was inside. This was still when I had not heard the word gay, nor did I know anyone who was gay. Anyway, I was caught and my mother was paged to the managers office. I really do not remember if I was more fearful of my secret getting out or the fact that I was a thief.

    These are the memories that stand out to me growing up. Curiously, aside from the first, they all involve me dealing with being queer. In a way its like I connected with myself as I accepted my sexuality. I wish I could remember more from my childhood, but alas…

  109. says

    Good morning

    Dalillama
    Urgh, sorry, that sucks.
    BTW, did you get that job you were applying for?
    Sorry if I missed this, but my weeks have been fuller than full lately.

    +++
    About Pteryxx’ link

    How teaching kids about their genitalia can help prevent sex crimes

    It really should be a no-brainer.
    Rape victims need to feel safe to talk about what happened. Children need to be double-safe. Abusers use shame to make sure that their victims comply, so if you can’t pull that lever they have a problem.
    OTOH, it’s still rape-culture kiddie-version. Because then the race for the child with the shitty parents who’d shit diamonds if you fed them coal begins.

  110. Tony! The Immorally Inferior Queer Shoop! says

    Hi chigau!
    Have a good night my friend.
    ****

    ImaginesABeach:
    Wow.
    Who knew cicely had such power?

    I wonder if that power can be harnessed for the good of humanity. Why let those powers go to waste when there are three political parties, a fair number of wholesome Family orgs, some anti-choicers, some birthers, and a plethora of hate groups, that could benefit from

  111. ImaginesABeach says

    Tony, I’m not sure cicely wants to be harnessed, nor am I sure she wants to be used for the good of humanity. That sounds like the kind of thing where you need to be really sure of consent.:)

  112. rq says

    Is it more correct to say a drop menu (dropmenu?) or a dropdown menu? Or something completely different?

  113. Beatrice, an amateur cynic looking for a happy thought says

    I’d say drop-down menu or list.

    Of course, English is my third language, so… with a grain of salt :)

  114. The Mellow Monkey: Non-Hypothetical says

    One time I was at a friend’s house down south and we got onto the subject of her front yard, which was nothing but sand. She couldn’t get any grass or flowers to grow there and so had just let it be.

    “You know, there are a lot of plants that will grow in sandy soil,” I told her. “Especially in your climate. You could get this whole place covered in watermelon vines. Wouldn’t that be neat?”

    “Oh, that would!” she said. She started to get excited about the prospect of putting in a garden, before suddenly deflating. “But people would steal my watermelons.”

    “Well…you’re close to a school, so maybe kids would take them, but you’d still have the pretty vines and I imagine they couldn’t take all of the melons,” I said.

    “But they’re my melons. They’d be stealing them.” She was clearly deeply bothered by the idea of her hypothetical melons being eaten by someone else.

    I tried to be reassuring and point out how unrealistic her worry was. “I’ve been gardening all of my life and other than some kids in the family picking things when they weren’t supposed to, it’s just never been an issue. I don’t notice if somebody grabs an apple. And, hey, maybe they were hungry and needed it.”

    “But some of my melons would be stolen.” And the thought of things she didn’t even have being used by people who may not exist horrified her so much that she never planted a garden at all.

  115. carlie says

    Mellow Monkey: so instead of “if I can’t have it, no one can”, it’s “if anyone can have it…I can’t” ?

  116. carlie says

    Tony – the Shoney’s Sunday morning breakfast bar was a rare and wondrous treat at my house. We didn’t go out to eat often, and NEVER went to breakfast, so that was weird in and of itself, but on a SUNDAY? When we were supposed to be in church? Why, that was an invisible pink unicorn of an event. So the 2-4 times it did ever happen are etched in my brain like a golden perfect day, even though it was just Shoney’s. Pancake sticks: the taste of freedom and abundance.

    :D

  117. Pteryxx says

    Mellow Monkey: I can’t help wondering if ‘down south’ and ‘watermelons’ meant this person was afraid of attracting, y’know… the wrong kind of people. Or maybe I’ve been living in Texas too long.

  118. carlie says

    Giliell – have you checked all of the box contents? Sometimes they tape the screws to the inside of a cardboard piece that’s holding things in that looks NOTHING like somewhere something ought to be.

  119. Rob Grigjanis says

    Morgan @634: If you’d carried a tin of beans, you could have gone as The Wind and the Lion.

  120. Beatrice, an amateur cynic looking for a happy thought says

    Giliell,

    Sometimes, they staple a baggy with the screws onto the box that goes into the couch. Getting it unstapled leaves traces on the box, but why would you care since they will be inside and not seen, right? NO.

    I like putting furniture together too. The last time, though, they did that thing with the bag, holes for the legs were missing from the mentioned box, some parts didn’t match… It wasn’t as much fun as I expected. Or any fun at all.

  121. rq says

    Beatrice
    I’m going with your version. It sounds more correct.

    I also like assembling furniture. I love womaning the electric screwdriver, actually. When necessary, and also when not. Because it’s a power tool. :)

    +++

    Not sure why, but this was really powerful for me, in a perspective/viewer/frame/something-something-weird-thought-process kind of way.

  122. The Mellow Monkey: Non-Hypothetical says

    Pteryxx, that is a subtext I hadn’t considered. I suppose it’s possible, even if only subconsciously.

    It was such a baffling experience. I can understand if someone put in a garden, had a bad experience and decided not to do it again. I can’t understand someone thinking that maybe, just maybe, someone other than herself could eat something from the garden and therefore she cannot ever plant one.

  123. Beatrice, an amateur cynic looking for a happy thought says

    We have a garden outside of town, and people steal our produce all the time :(

    Since the place is away from main roads, we know it must be neighbors. We’re not sure which. They never take enough to get us seriously pissed, but it’s really galling to know someone who’s all nice and smiles to you, is actually stealing from you.

  124. says

    Follow up to my comment @604, and subsequent comments from A. Noyd @605.

    Rep. Renee Ellmers (R-N.C.) thought it’d be a good idea to ask the cabinet secretary [Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius], “To the best of your knowledge has a man ever delivered a baby?”

    Yeah, this far-right female congress critter thinks it is discrimination when males are forced to buy insurance that covers medical services they do not use. This is so myopic a view one hardly knows where to begin.

    The Affordable Care Act is supposed to put a stop to gender inequality in insurance pricing. That’s a feature, not a bug.

    The same doofuses who are for gender inequality in pricing are also trying by every means to put a stop to coverage for birth control. I guess the view from the far right wing is not supposed to make sense. Viagra for erectile dysfunction, now that’s a different story. God wants women to help pay for that.

  125. Markita Lynda—threadrupt says

    Crip Dyke @610, if you have something especially cogent and timely to say, perhaps PZ would host it as a guest post?

  126. says

    Yay I feel like the shittiest cat dad.

    My little baby Snip has, since he was young, made this weird hacking noise like he had a hairball, but never hacked up anything.I figured he swallowed the hair and got rid of it in the other way that cats get rid of hairballs, so no big whup.

    He’s probably got asthma. That’s what feline asthma looks like.

    However one thing is now clear, I told my vet about the “hairball” problem and she never even said anything about the problem. Now I’m going to a different vet.

  127. Markita Lynda—threadrupt says

    Grr! “To the best of your knowledge, has a woman ever suffered from prostate cancer? Or testicular cancer? Or erectile dysfunction? If not, then clearly they need to be stricken from the list of insured conditions!”

    I was deeply offended when offered U.S. disability insurance to find that it excluded war, riot, insurrection, acts of god…. and anything to do with female reproduction.

  128. says

    First there was good news out of Texas, and then there was very bad news indeed. A battle was won over anti-abortion laws. Swiftly, the battle was resumed and lost.

    A federal appeals court ruled late Thursday that Texas’ abortion restrictions could immediately go into effect, overruling a Monday order from a lower court that found parts of the law unconstitutional. The decision may close the doors of one-third of Texas abortion clinics, many which will likely be unable to meet the requirement of hospital admitting privileges. Of course, that was the point of the law.

    “Today’s decision affirms our right to protect both the unborn and the health of the women of Texas,” said Governor Perry in a statement responding to the ruling. “We will continue doing everything we can to protect a culture of life in our state.”

    I really do dislike it when Rick Perry decides to “protect” women. You know he means to throw women under the bus.

    http://www.msnbc.com/msnbc/texas-abortion-restrictions

  129. The Mellow Monkey: Non-Hypothetical says

    Beatrice @ 657

    We have a garden outside of town, and people steal our produce all the time :(

    Since the place is away from main roads, we know it must be neighbors. We’re not sure which. They never take enough to get us seriously pissed, but it’s really galling to know someone who’s all nice and smiles to you, is actually stealing from you.

    Oh, that sucks. Like I said, I’ve probably lost some produce this way, but it’s never been enough to really be that noticeable. I probably lose more to birds, rabbits, etc. When I lived in the middle of a town, I had the least loss in my garden of all.

  130. Beatrice, an amateur cynic looking for a happy thought says

    The Mellow Monkey,

    We aren’t at a great loss, since we usually don’t eat everything by ourselves anyway. We give a lot to our neighbors in the building, and we’d probably give to the neighbors at the garden place too if they weren’t already stealing from us.
    Just looking at value, we probably give away (plus, throw away stuff that gets bad before consumption) more than we lose by theft, it’s just the fact that our neighbors steal from us and then play dumb and friendly that makes me mad.

    Sorry, got into a bit of a rant there.

    For people with gardens inside the town, the only ones I know to have problems are those with fruit trees near schools. :)

  131. rq says

    Take a virtual tour of the former Cheka building in Riga, now a rather prominent ghost building.
    (It only went out of use a few years ago, though – when I had to get my first police IDs, I had to go to that building. It’s the usual twisty aged corridors decorated in rather bad taste (and not enough funds to renovate/redecorate). But knowing the building’s history, my creepiness radar was definitely on high. They say the basement cells have never been washed, and that all visible stains are originals, so to speak… Either way, not exactly a happy, cheerful building.)

  132. says

    More real information, that is, facts to debunk the ridiculous lies that Republicans are now using to attack Obamacare.

    … In 2009, millions of Americans lacked any health insurance whatsoever and millions more had private health insurance metaphorically designed to explode at the hint of any serious illness or pre-existing conditions or exorbitant medical costs. So, in 2009, 14,000 Americans were losing their health insuranceevery single day. And medical bills were prompting more than 60% of all bankruptcies in our nation. In other words, many health insurance policies were patently dangerous and unsafe. …

    Fundamentally, Republicans are arguing that the insurance industry should be allowed to rip off the American people. It’s Freedom!

    http://www.salon.com/2013/11/01/the_rights_sickest_obamacare_lie_yet/

  133. says

    The way things work in the Land of the Rich Powerful and Unethical: make sure regulators of an industry, say solar energy for example, are all anti regulation, and are all tied to the American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC).

    ALEC plays a major role in writing all kinds of legislation that far-right groups support. Flea-brained legislators are thus relieved of the onerous task of writing legislation. But we the people are being subjected to legislation that is not in our interest. This revelation regarding anti-green energy regulators is just the latest in investigations that reveal ALEC’s sneaky, backdoor tactics.


    A new report released Friday by Progress Now reveals ALEC’s involvement in attacking efforts to address climate change goes beyond clean energy laws — it has actively worked to help drilling companies hide fracking fluids, fight greenhouse gas emissions accords, and advance the controversial Keystone XL pipeline, among other initiatives.

    ACC [Arizona Corporation Commission] Chairman and former state legislator Bob Stump (R) is described as an ALEC member in his state legislature bio, as is Commissioner Gary Pierce (R), who earlier this year introduced and later retracted an ALEC-backed bill aimed at weakening the state’s renewable energy standard. Commissioner Brenda Burns (R) served on ALEC’s board for nine years and became the organization’s national chairman in 1999. And Commissioner Robert Burns (R) is a legacy member of ALEC and former Arizona state chair of the organization.

    The Arizona Public Service Co. has come under fire recently for its conservative corporate ties, as well. In its public marketing efforts, APS has been running ads “explaining its commitment to solar,” but last week the utility admitted that it had been secretly contributing to outside nonprofits running negative ads against solar power…

    As the ACC begins its solar hearings this month, the major question that remains in Arizona is whether the state will continue its successful solar trajectory or if conservative fossil fuel interests, having failed resoundingly in state legislatures, will attack clean energy laws through the utilities and their regulators..

    http://thinkprogress.org/climate/2013/11/01/2873071/arizona-solar-battle/

  134. a_ray_in_dilbert_space says

    Someone is evidently exercising their 2nd amendment rights in LAX terminal 3 right now.

  135. cicely says

    Dalillama:

    I just lost a crown.

    Oooh, that sucks.
    -
    ImaginesABeach:

    I was half listening to GirlChild and her friend talking this evening while I was preparing dinner. I heard GirlChild declare “horses are creepy.” 2 states away, and cicely has managed to affect my GirlChild.

    :) :) :)
    Most excellent!
    Yup, yup, yup; that’s me—Saving Humanity One GirlChild At A Time!
     
    (Later)
    And you are absolutely correct; I would object vigorously to being harnessed, or subjected to any other items of saddlery. It is a certainty that someone would get bit.
    And it wouldn’t be me.
    -

    What is your favorite Halloween costume that you wore, and when?

    Hmmm….
    The one that sticks out in my memory is from about 6 years ago, for a Halloween party at our Local Comic Book Store. I went as a student from Miskatonic U. (Go, ‘Pods!), in a tee shirt with this on it, a Miskatonic U. binder (can’t find a pic on-line), a copy of volume 1 of Budge’s Book of the Dead, a book on cryptid hominids, and a book in a Necronomicon for Dummies slip cover.
    -
    *hugs* for Kevin…and it wouldn’t have occurred to me that it might be asthma, either.
    -

  136. says

    Kevin @ 660, I’ve been around cats all my life, and I didn’t know they could have asthma. The important thing is, you found out what was wrong and you’re doing something about it.

    *Offers hugs for Kevin and petting for Snip*

  137. says

    I’m so tired
    The little one is sick and I didn’t get a decent night of sleep in a few days

    NO, sadly no screws anywhere. There wasn’t much in the box where they could have hidden and I tore up the box anyway. Well, Mr. needs to go back to Ikea next week anyway, liberating more plush hippos.

  138. says

    Follow up to my comment #658. The battle over contraception, (birth control), provisions of the Affordable Care Act has heated up.

    A. Noyd was right, birth control is next on the chopping block. This news is awful:

    … The D.C. Circuit Court has upheld a legal challenge to the provision of the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) that mandates employer coverage of birth control, arguing that it “trammels” the expression of religious freedom. While the legal process over the issue isn’t final, the decision hands a huge political victory to conservative activists that have long made this argument. …

    http://www.theatlanticwire.com/politics/2013/11/anti-birth-control-employer-just-beat-obamacare-court/71176/

  139. says

    … the Gilardi brothers can impose their religious beliefs on their employees through their private-sector business. It is, the court said, part of their First Amendment rights.

    It is, to my eyes, a deeply bizarre ruling. At one point, one of the conservative judges – a George W. Bush appointee – goes so far as to describe contraception coverage as “compelled subsidization of a woman’s procreative practices.” …

    Coverage from The Maddow Blog.
    http://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/court-rules-against-aca-contraception-policy

  140. opposablethumbs says

    Dalillama, sorry about the crown. That does indeed suck :-( Was it lost as in, it came out but you have it in your possession – or lost as in, swallowed/irretrievably gone? Just hoping that if you were able to retrieve it maybe it could be re-affixed … cold comfort, even if you’ve got it; either way, my sympathies.

    No fixings in the pack is one of those bloody annoying flea-bite sort of things, isn’t it Giliell – not the end of the world, but such a frustrating, unnecessary pain in the arse!

    Very glad indeed that child2 had what sounds like a good halloween, carlie! We had/are having a pretty sad time of it here (though with a brave face on) … it’s not to do with trick-or-treating, which is not quite such a big deal here, I think – it’s just that times when lots of people are having parties – and you know that they are – are always the hardest :-(

    Kevin, I’m sorry about Snip’s asthma – but you couldn’t have known, not without a fair bit of expertise/experience, I would have thought. Hope your next vet is a bit more proactive in thinking about explanations for things.

    Many hugs for the Pharyngulite Horde, especially for those dealing with health or money problems. It always helps me to read you, even at times when I’m not talking much it gives me something. {{{{hugs}}}}

  141. says

    This is in reference to comments #675 and 676.

    So, yeah, the other aspect of this ridiculous ruling that private businesses can inflict their religious beliefs on their employees (no insurance coverage for birth control, for example) is that conservative judges on the D.C. Circuit outnumber progressive judges. Meanwhile, Republican Senators are filibustering to deny Obama’s appointments to fill vacant seats. Keep the Republican majority in judgeships at all costs! It’s the only way we’ll keep birth control out of the hands of women!


    Nine years ago, the California Supreme Court upheld a state law similar to the Affordable Care Act’s rules requiring most employers to include birth control coverage in their employee health plans. The sole dissent in that case was Justice Janice Rogers Brown. Nearly a decade later, Brown got her revenge. … Judge Brown is now the author of a 2-1 opinion holding that religious employers can ignore the federal birth control rules. What was once a fringe view held by a lone holdout is now the law in the second most powerful court in the country.

    … Brown labeled the New Deal a “socialist revolution,” and she likened Social Security to a kind of intergenerational cannibalism … she authored a concurring opinion suggesting that all labor, business or Wall Street regulation is constitutionally suspect. …

    … Brown’s opinion comes just one day after Senate Republicans reignited the filibuster wars by filibustering the first of three Obama nominees to her court. Currently, the D.C. Circuit is evenly divided between Democratic and Republican active judges, but a large number of Republican judges in partial retirement allow the GOP to dominate the court. Senate Minority Whip John Cornyn wrote in a Fox News op-ed that Republicans should prevent any of Obama’s nominees from being confirmed to this court to prevent Democrats from gaining a majority.

    … The deal that allowed Judge Brown to be confirmed also paved the way for Judge Priscilla Owen’s nomination. Yesterday evening, Judge Owen authored an opinion reinstating a Texas anti-abortion law blocked by a lower court judge. …

    Think Progress link.

  142. Pteryxx says

    urgh… following up on Lynna’s #678, here’s the sort of opinion Judge Owen writes. (Reposted from Jason’s)

    Analysis from RHR:

    http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2013/11/01/decision-reinstating-texas-anti-choice-law-heavy-on-judgment-light-on-reasoning/

    The Fifth Circuit’s reputation as one of the most anti-equality, anti-abortion rights jurisdictions is well-deserved, but granting the State of Texas’ request for emergency relief was nothing short of extraordinary. To begin with, the state was required to first seek a stay of the injunction with the lower court, or at least present some evidence that doing so would have been impracticable. Never mind, said the Fifth Circuit, it will consider the state’s request anyway. [...]

    Once the Fifth Circuit had replaced its judgment for the district court’s on whether there was a rational basis for the state to require hospital admitting privileges, it moved on to consider whether the requirement—which will result in 24 counties in Texas losing access to safe abortion care—is an undue burden on the right to choose abortion. Naturally, the Fifth Circuit said no, it is not. “Measured by the text” of the statutory language itself, there is no undue burden, the court found, because the statute doesn’t say its purpose is to “place a substantial obstacle in the path of a woman seeking an abortion.” The court then disposed of any sympathy for those who will not be able to access abortion care by curtly noting that “at least 100 miles” is not too far to travel for care.

    thascius, about that exception for life and health of the woman: here’s the tiny figleaf of constitutionality that remains, with respect to medical abortions since those (and the admitting privileges bit) were all the injunction addressed. [brackets mine]

    In addition, it argued that there is no need for a “vague and amorphous ‘health’ exception” since HB 2 provides a limited medical emergency exception.

    Amazingly, the Fifth Circuit didn’t just stay the injunction on these grounds, though the justices made it clear that refusing to do so in no way suggested it wouldn’t lift the injunction entirely in January. Instead, the court narrowed it because it found that the “health exception” imposed by the district court was “broader than necessary to remedy the undue burden” found by the restriction. Pending appeal, then, the Fifth Circuit stayed the injunction pertaining to medical abortions with one exception: The district court’s injunction [meaning, permission for abortion under the law] “continues to apply pending appeal with respect to a mother who is 50 to 63 days from her last menstrual period if the physician who is to perform an abortion procedure on the mother has exercised appropriate medical judgement and determined that, due to a physical abnormality or preexisting condition of the mother, a surgical abortion is not a safe and medically sound option for her.”

    Thursday’s decision doesn’t undo all of Judge Yeakel’s decision—just most of it. The sliver that remains does so likely because the judges couldn’t come up with a constitutional rationale for endorsing a pre-viability ban that contains no exception for when the patient’s life is in danger. But if the tenor and tone of the rest of the decision is any indication, I’m sure they tried to find one.

  143. Ogvorbis: Apologies Available for All! says

    Lynna @680:

    because the statute doesn’t say its purpose is to “place a substantial obstacle in the path of a woman seeking an abortion.”

    So, according to this court, intent matters? So I can shoot someone and then claim I cannot be tried for murder as my purpose was only to wound? I am not a lawyer, but that sounds suspect to me.

  144. rq says

    Three things that have kept me entertained during tonight’s translation sessions:
    1) Kimbra (no further comment necessary; if you don’t know her voice, you should, and for more than her contribution to Gotye’s (in)famous Somebody That I Used to Know, which has spawned many covers, of which Canadian band’s Walk Off the Earth is still the best, IMO);

    2) this series of photos discovered when looking for the True Meaning of the word ‘rakurss’ (final result: not at all what I had inferred) and for some reason a lot of them make me laugh and giggle inappropriately;

    3) the totally inapplicable but perhaps-one-day-useful tutorial on the 7 best text effects in Microsoft Word. Yeah, don’t need such shiny text in this particular set of documents, but the lessons seem useful (and he could use some assistance for more similar tutorials).

    I share in the hopes that maybe one of you will be similarly entertained.
    Good night!

  145. carlie says

    We had/are having a pretty sad time of it here (though with a brave face on) … it’s not to do with trick-or-treating, which is not quite such a big deal here, I think – it’s just that times when lots of people are having parties – and you know that they are – are always the hardest :-(

    I know – I’m sorry. :( We’re just before party age here (late middle school), so it’s not quite as obvious yet as it will be in the next year or so.

  146. opposablethumbs says

    {{{{hug}}}} to you carlie, if I may – reading your comment just now felt like being on the receiving end of a much-appreciated hug, so this is by way of hugging you back. All my very best wishes to child#2 and to all the family.

    Midnight in Blighty now – goodnight, Horde.

  147. thunk, decus et tutamen says

    I wanted the set of all the knowledge you get from trying it at age twelve and screwing up and being told you need to take it off because it’s too chipped

    Please oh please why can’t this be a thing. for all gendered things which are only taught to cis people.

    I’m just too afraid to look.

  148. Nerd of Redhead, Dances OM Trolls says

    Carlie

    Nerd – my completely uninformed guess is that to her, telling you that it’s time to get things ready to walk feels like an imposition/order, whereas you getting it all set up yourself is on your own timetable and less of her demanding what to do.

    I think you are correct. She has had trouble asserting herself when she needs to do so since the stroke. My problem has been she expects me to make presuppositions, and/or be able to interpret vague suggestive statements as “orders”. I keep telling her, if I have to presume or interpret, she isn’t speaking with a plain declarative sentence, and it will be misinterpreted due to chronic fatigue.
    Today was fishy Friday, so she had me stop by Popeyes and get here the crawdad tacklebox for her. The crawdads disappeared down her craw.
    When I came home today for the afternoon commode/her lunch, she showed me her left hand. She was getting minimal, but repeatable movement of the fingers at her command. This has happened before for a few minutes, but she said she had been moving them for two hours. We don’t know if this is the start of something, but any control is better than none.

  149. Nerd of Redhead, Dances OM Trolls says

    Well Tony, my first thoughts are what are they adding to the welfare benefits, or what are they defining as welfare?

  150. Nerd of Redhead, Dances OM Trolls says

    And Tony, the question to ask is why aren’t low level jobs paying a livable wage, which is often far larger than the minimum wage….

  151. Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :) says

    So, according to this court, intent matters? So I can shoot someone and then claim I cannot be tried for murder as my purpose was only to wound? I am not a lawyer, but that sounds suspect to me.

    Worse. You can shoot someone in an obviously cold-blooded, deliberate fashion and say nothing at all. As long as you don’t SAY “I intend to kill you” it’s fine.

  152. Nerd of Redhead, Dances OM Trolls says

    Dang, this is going to be a long evening. The Redhead found out the local PBS station was showing an opera based on the book, Moby Dick, being presented by the San Francisco Opera (the Lyric often does the same opera a year later using the stage settings from SFO). Quick stuff in a VCR tape, check that the VCR is actually working, and set it to shut off in few hours. She wonders why I keep mentioning DVR to her…

  153. cicely says

    rq!!!
    Responding emails read. No apologies needed!
    ;)
     
    (Later)
    I agree with you about Walk Off the Earth’s cover of Somebody That I Used To Know; I re-watched it just this last Tuesday.
    -
    Nerd, best hopes and wishes for The Redhead’s hand control.
    *hugs* offered, for the both of you.
    -

  154. Pteryxx says

    Libby Anne’s post on the one-year anniversary of her post that went viral: How I Lost Faith in the Pro-Life Movement

    http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2013/10/one-year-ago-today-my-viral-moment.html

    About six months or so ago, I began training to do counseling at Planned Parenthood and began working on the inside rather than simply on the outside. Since then, I have spoken with dozens of abortive women face to face. I have seen their resolve, their tears, their hopes, and their fears. What I’ve experienced in this position has only served to back up and confirm everything I wrote in my viral post one year ago. That single post has changed my life, and the lives of others along with it.

  155. Markita Lynda—threadrupt says

    CaitieCat @538, I keep some types of books handy for wind-down reading. If entertaining, they must be shorter than novels: novellas and short stories are fine. Then I can stop at the end of one. Poems would work, too, I guess. If engrossing, they must be so familiar I know them almost by heart, and even that is a bit of a risk. Finally, some of the best things are interesting things that I like to know more about but have no plot whatsoever. It might be field guides for identifying wild plants or birds or rocks; or perhaps tips for better camping; or how mix glazes for ceramics, or a dictionary of word origins. Any of them help.

    I think the idea with the breathing exercises is not to say, “I’m relaxing, I’m relaxing,” but to just feel breath moving in and out. A nice visualization exercise is to pull in clean, clear air and blow out all the dirt of the day.

  156. Tony! The Immorally Inferior Queer Shoop! says

    So I decided to simply question the “truths” my FB friend offered. After mentioning that it is unreasonable to have opinions unsupported by evidence, I asked him how he knew that his claims were true and backed by evidence.

    As one can surmise, I am turning purple holding my breath waiting…

  157. Pteryxx says

    Tony: glancing over that Forbes article, besides the obvious assumptions + elisions + dismissals, here’s a few problems:

    Tanner and Hughes count 126 distinct federal means-tested anti-poverty programs in force today. For the purposes of their study, they looked specifically at: (1) Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF), the post-1996 cash welfare program; (2) the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP), formerly known as food stamps; (3) Medicaid; (4) housing assistance; (5) utilities assistance; (6) the Women, Infants, and Children program (WIC), and (7) the Emergency Food Assistance Program (TEFAP).

    …and then they added them all together, as if every single welfare recipient receives all of them at once.

    Also, minimum wage incomes don’t break the poverty line, which is WHY these workers can hold down one or more minimum wage jobs and still qualify for assistance in the first place, by definition.

    Other articles picked up on these themes in their takedowns. Send ‘em this:

    http://www.forbes.com/sites/rickungar/2013/09/03/the-conservative-case-for-welfare-reform-suffers-massive-blow-via-cato-institute-study/

    Accordingly, Cato has rigged the result by taking only the most highly paid recipients of welfare (women with two children) as their basis for comparison, and then proceeds to pretend that all of these recipients receive benefits from each and every one of the eight programs included while completely omitting those on welfare who receive dramatically less. Then, for extra measure, the study falsely pretends that working families receive absolutely no welfare benefits whatsoever in order to make minimum wage earners look like their income is lower than a welfare recipients’ take.

    Can you just imagine the cries of anguish that would arise through the conservative blogosphere were a liberal skewing study to try and craft an argument using such stunningly shoddy and rigged methods?

    Or this one:

    There’s A New Study That Says Welfare Pays Better Than Work — Here’s Why It’s Total Nonsense

    Meanwhile, Democrats have implemented a reform that actually does help to address the poverty trap issue. The Affordable Care Act, when it’s implemented next year, will make it possible for people on Medicaid to go back to work without fearing loss of health insurance. It will turn what benefit cliffs exist in the Medicaid program into a gradual slope, so nobody will have to fear that an extra dollar of income will make them uninsured.

    That is, the Affordable Care Act will do this except in Republican-led states that are rejecting the Medicaid expansion. In those states, the welfare-versus-work tradeoff will be more tilted toward welfare, and a cliff in Medicaid benefits will still be providing a disincentive to take a job.

  158. FossilFishy(Anti-Vulcanist) says

    Off course it’s broken. It’s been that sorta day. Mind you, I just got hit on* by a twenty-something woman, so maybe weird is a better descriptor of today.

    Trying again. Last time I tried to keep it from embedding and clearly I don’t know how to do that.

    *First time in over a decade I’ve been obviously propositioned by anyone, of any age.

  159. rq says

    *non-propositional hugs* for a better immediate future.
    That is a pair of hauntingly loud women. Love it!

  160. opposablethumbs says

    Ugh, Giliell. It’s wretched when they’re ill and miserable :-(

    Hope the antibiotics do the trick.

  161. opposablethumbs says

    … and if she feels better quickly, and then wonders why she has to go on taking the rest of the antibiotics when she feels fine now … yay educational opportunity! :-) (you’ve probably already taught her this, so it’ll be a chance for her to revise the topics and relate to them on a personal level ;-) ).

    Seriously, though, I’m sorry she’s ill and about how tiring that is for everyone.

  162. says

    opposablethumbs
    Thanks.
    I don’t think that taking them all will be an issue. Those kiddie antibiotics are sweet sirup and this one has nasty little bacteria printed on the box and you can punch one in the gut with a pencil every time you take your medicine. Which is also a nice way to illustrate why you have to take them all or else some nasty bacteria will make you sick again.
    But yeah, I hope she gets better soon, we could all do with a night of sleep. And I think I need to get my MIL a voucher for the hairdresser as a “thank you” for babysitting her all the time.

  163. Ogvorbis: Apologies Available for All! says

    Got into work today. Coworker out sick (wonder if it is what I had). Guess who gets to do a training module for new volunteers about (a) what the NPS is and what we do, (b) how do VIPs fit into the NPS, (c) why interpreters exist in the NPS, and (d) fit it all into thirty minutes? Off to train.

  164. The Mellow Monkey: Non-Hypothetical says

    Last night I had a dream that I was a homicide detective investigating a string of murders of women. Eventually, my investigation drew me to a group of MRAs and PUAs. Their ringleader was just some ordinary guy. It turned out he didn’t actually believe most of the stuff he said, but he was just callous enough to not care who he hurt while making money off of conning these other men into buying his books and lecture podcasts.

    I did not find the murderer before waking up. Damnit.

  165. rq says

    I had a dream I was reading this amazing, Lounge-worthy story – except they kept misspelling the word ‘heroine’ as ‘heroin’, which I didn’t find strange until the very last two pages of the book.

    +++

    Giliell
    Thank you for your contributions here in the Lounge – specifically, those where you remind me (among others) that it is important to take care of oneself in order to be useful to others, that it is ok to ask for help and that it is ok to shirk one’s duties in order to gain a moment of relaxation and reduced stress, that I am a piece of my relationships and a human being, and as such worthy of attention and time.
    I was able to pass on much of this information to my best friend, who is currently struggling to combine two children, a job and a husband who travels often, plus finding personal time. Thank you for providing me with the information and the confidence to be sure enough of these things to pass them on to someone in need, to tell her she is not alone and that she is not a failure.
    (And that bacteria-stabbing idea on antibiotics for children is pure genius. Hope everyone is healthy soon! And that you get some rest!)

    opposablethumbs
    You and any and all of your Spawn are welcome to come party here anytime. Seriously. I know that probably does not help much considering age differences and language barriers and everything else, but if you’re ever around here, do drop in. :)

  166. opposablethumbs says

    if you’re ever around here, do drop in. :)

    Thank you, rq! Very much. {{{hugs}}}

  167. ImaginesABeach says

    Tony – I see that your FB friend has not been back. Perhaps you have convinced him?

  168. Pteryxx says

    via BB, a UK proposal to pay defense lawyers a bonus if their clients plead guilty rather than go to trial.

    “A client pleading guilty to a standard actual bodily harm charge in crown court will earn their lawyer as much as a 20% fee increase,” the LCCSA said. “There are some cases in the crown court where a quick guilty plea will earn a lawyer a 75% fee increase.

    “Likewise, in magistrates courts a simple guilty plea [for instance, for common assault] will reward lawyers with a 17% pay increase. This flies in the face of the government’s advertised 17.5% cuts to save £220m from the legal aid budget.”

    The association said the revised fees would result in some lawyers losing out as much as 65% in some magistrate court cases and up to 73% in some crown court cases. Steven Bird, a London solicitor and LCCSA member, said: “The only conclusion to draw from these figures is the sad truth that the new fee structure is ideological and has nothing to do with austerity.

    “By law, we’re already obliged to advise our clients about the benefits of an early guilty plea, by way of credit on their sentence … It doesn’t take a legal background – or criminal record – to realise that these incentives for a guilty plea and disincentives for a trial are an affront to justice.”

    Responding to the claim, the MoJ said: “For a lawyer to advise a client to plead guilty when they are not would be one of the most serious breaches of the profession’s code of conduct, and could see them lose their right to practise. We do not believe a professional lawyer would do so.

    http://www.theguardian.com/law/2013/nov/01/lawyers-higher-legal-aid-fees-early-guilty-plea

  169. says

    Watch Rachel Maddow’s coverage of the judges who have made certain that women pay a price for compromises that were made on Bush-appointed judges, and on the ways in which women are currently paying a price for the Republican refusals to approve Obama-appointed judges.

    http://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show (First video in the lineup.)
    16 minutes of history and of current news. Be patient with the almost five minutes of historical ground work. It pays off in the end.

  170. rq says

    Hockey player beats up girlfriend. Keeps playing hockey. Because, you know, they gotta focus on the game. The domestic abuse, that’s a law thing. Yeah, that’s some real class you’re showing there, coach. Class.

  171. says

    Ogvorbis @682, you are right about the illogic and the lack of legal reasoning behind the Judge Owen ruling that Pteryxx highlighted. Owen is basically an undereducated conservative, and particularly ignorant when it comes to the law. See the coverage of her nomination and approval process by Rachel Maddow. (Link @718.)

    Both Owen and Brown are female conservatives with lifetime appointments.

  172. says

    Coverage in Slate on the issue of judges and why they matter.


    If Priscilla Owen and Janice Rogers Brown sound familiar to you, that’s because they were the two Bush judicial nominees at the center of the Great Filibuster Showdown of 2005. In May 2001, just after taking office, Bush introduced 11 nominees for vacancies on the federal appellate courts. He was signaling his intention to reshape the federal judiciary, and his willingness to fight for his nominees, right down to the bloody end. … And as Charlie Savage detailed at considerable length in 2008, the effect of the Bush nominations on the federal judiciary was staggering. It still is. As we’ve seen it again this week.

    A close reading of Owen and Brown’s opinions shows how far they are willing to go. A little history first: In 2000, when Owen was on the Texas Supreme Court, she had to interpret a law that allowed girls to have abortions without telling their parents if they could show a judge they were “mature and sufficiently well informed” to make the decision on their own. Owen and another judge repeatedly dissented when their colleagues opted to give girls a second try to meet the standard. They chided 16- and 17-year-olds for not speaking with members of the clergy and, in one case, for not considering “marrying the father of the child.” Another judge on the court at the time accused Owen of “unconscionable judicial activism.” You know who that was? Not a guy known for his great solicitude for the right to abortion: future Bush Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.

    In Thursday’s ruling, Owen champions the double speak of abortion opponents that is their new favorite weapon. This is the argument that regulations designed to fundamentally block access to abortion are really all about protecting women’s health. ….

  173. A. Noyd says

    Pteryxx (#717)

    Responding to the claim, the MoJ said: “For a lawyer to advise a client to plead guilty when they are not would be one of the most serious breaches of the profession’s code of conduct, and could see them lose their right to practise. We do not believe a professional lawyer would do so.

    Then what the fuck is the bonus even for?! I want to thump the creators of this proposal about the head with the book Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me).

  174. Pteryxx says

    Thanks Lynna. From that Slate article, the overlap between abortion access, poverty, and crackdowns on immigrants:

    Owen next minimizes the effect that the admitting privileges will have on women. Planned Parenthood says that 22,000 women across Texas won’t have access to a clinic if this law goes into effect. Owen shaves that down to the women who live in 24 counties in the Rio Grande Valley by finding that 90 percent of women who lives elsewhere in Texas still live within 100 miles of a clinic—and that is good enough. As for the women of the Rio Grande, well, they can just jet off the 150 miles to Corpus Christi, and that too is not a real burden. As for evidence presented to the district court that many women in the area are immigrants who don’t have the papers to make it to Corpus Christi because of checkpoints: “This obstacle is unrelated to the hospital-admitting-privileges requirement.”

  175. Pteryxx says

    Then what the fuck is the bonus even for?!

    A. Noyd: I know right? Especially on the heels of financial abortion obstacles, which they’ll admit are there to force women into one course of action over another; and that welfare-disincentive flap Tony referenced (which isn’t even true). But financially penalizing lawyers won’t tempt them at all because they’re just so noble that money doesn’t matter?

  176. says

    Speaking of judges, and of Republicans filibustering Obama appointees so that no votes can be taken, you would think that all this offing around would result in members of the House having to be in session longer, in them having to work longer hours. You would be wrong.

    House Republicans worked very little last year, and they are going to do even less in 2014. They have laid out a schedule that requires them to work a grand total of 113 days next year. That’s about half as many as we the people with jobs.

    Republicans blithely skipped an Obamacare briefing they furiously demanded. This is just one of their duties they shirked. They just don’t have the time, you know.

    In the meantime, these shirkers get an annual salary of $174,000, plus all the “donations” and other perks they rake in, including high paid jobs as lobbyists or consultants in industries to which they bowed during their tenure as congress critters. $174,000, but money must be saved somewhere, so they will savagely cut the social safety net for all the poor and lower middle class people.

    This perfidy holds true at the state level as well. Take Ohio for example: one day ago a Senator Chris Widener, R-Springfield, proposed to take the $400 million gained from expanding Medicaid and turn it into an income-tax cut.

    And then there’s this:

    Female Republican House staff made on average $10,093.09 less annually than male Republican House staff.

    Link to National Journal article on pay discrepancy.

    Female staff fare better in the Democratic House, but, “Female Democratic House staff made on average $1,473.65 less annually than male Democratic House staff.”

  177. Pteryxx says

    The Rachel Maddow show clips probably aren’t visible outside the US, and msnbc has gone to a weird in-line synced transcript that can’t be copied as text. I need to complain at them again about that…

  178. says

    In response to Pteryxx’s note that Rachel Maddow Show segments may not be accessible outside the USA, here are some other links that house at least portions of the Maddow segments on judges, abortion, and contraception (Affordable Care Act):

    http://www.dailykos.com/story/2013/10/31/1252216/-5th-Circuit-Of-Appeals-Overturns-Stay-Of-Texas-Abortion-Law?detail=hide

    http://video.msnbc.msn.com/rachel-maddow/53439209/#53439209

    Hope these links work for our Pharyngulites living outside the USA

  179. Hekuni Cat, MQG says

    Dalillama – I’m sorry about your crown.

    Kevin:

    He’s probably got asthma. That’s what feline asthma looks like.

    I had a cat with this problem. It was scary to watch, but there really wasn’t a treatment for it, at least at that time. I don’t know if things are different now. *hugs* for you and Snip

    Nerd – *hugs* for you and the Redhead.

    Giliell – *sterile, virtual hugs* for you and your little one.

    Lynna and Pteryxx – Thank you for all the links you post. You help me stay informed on so many important issues.

  180. Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden says

    @thunk:

    where did you find that quote? What was the context?

    Thanks.

  181. Pteryxx says

    Crip Dyke re thunk’s quote, it’s from here: (I went and searched)

    http://freethoughtblogs.com/gruntled/2013/10/29/on-nail-polish-and-pizza/

    The thing is, it was rarely just a single task that I wanted to know, like, how does one paint their nails? I didn’t actually want the specific information about getting the smelly stuff on your nails and only on the nail parts–though seriously, how does one do their right hand?!–I wanted the set of all the knowledge you get from trying it at age twelve and screwing up and being told you need to take it off because it’s too chipped. It’s knowing which colors are considered professional and which aren’t and whether or not it matters if your nails match your clothes (it seems impossible to do, but teen magazines kept assuring me it’s a thing). So it never was “how do you paint your nails?” that I was asking, it was “how do I get all of the knowledge you have from painting your nails without screwing up a simple step and looking foolish in the process?”

    …I’ve been places where the gay community helps teens with gender presentation. The local drag queens (who do stage performances and musicals and Rocky Horror) run supportive workshops on how to don makeup, nail polish, wigs, clothing, and how to walk and gesture, even voice training, under the aegis of “stagecraft”. Silly me… I thought it WAS just for “stagecraft”.

  182. Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden says

    @markita (and tony, I guess):

    2 things, my most timely work is often my angry work – directly responding to something messed up in the moment.

    My most cogent work is decidedly *not* my most timely work…though it is sometimes angry, it is not my most angry, get-out-of-my-way,-injustice,-or-I’ll-just-trample-you-as-I-pass-by work.

    Beyond that, PZ has seen my work before. He asked Walton for a guest post. If he wanted it, he could ask, but it’s his space, not mine. I have no trouble feeling guilty about writing in this PZ-owned comment space, that is the purpose for which it was created, but I won’t ask that of him. I’m not the best at social rules, so maybe I’m wrong, but I think it would be awkward, even if done on private e-mail [which, being busy, he might not get to in a timely manner anyway].

    Finally, the stuff that I really would want to say that I don’t end up saying here is the stuff that isn’t “timely”. It’s not responding directly to things happening here. It’s the stuff of a blog: my own priorities, not the Horde’s.

    For instance, we sometimes talk about transfeminism, but what is transfeminism? How do we know when we’re doing it?

    Much has been made of the racism of some branches of feminism: were/are those feminists just evil, or is there something else going on? What, specifically, were the objections of women of color when they were creating a new feminism that respected woman of color life and agency? Was it just bad personal treatment? Was it bad public policy? Was there an ethical disagreement, a values disagreement?

    And given all that, what can we learn from this most celebrated (or cursed, I guess, depending on whether or not you’re a racist jerk) branching of post ww2 feminism? Are these lessons directly applicable to the situations of other women who have felt marginalized within feminism? How do they apply to trans folk? Does the development of transfeminism parallel or diverge from the model of womanism, third-world feminism, sub-alternity, Joyce Green’s indigenous feminism (which I argue has been around longer than Joyce Green, but it’s worth noting that someone as important as Joyce Green still sees it necessary to articulate that there is such a thing: it doesn’t speak well of us that we don’t speak of indigenous feminism as a long-recognized and important branch) and other movements of feminists of color?

    I also am and have long been a critic of intersectionality I have, obscurely, called it a “failed theory”. What does it mean that intersectionality is a “failed theory”?

    Plus I like to explore how all these things lead to specific decisions. As I’m in law school, sometimes this is in response to learning something new (or deeper) about the law, but often I’ll know about the law, because I’m geeky, but I don’t know that there exists an association of feminist lawyers trying to change the law to X. Sometimes I think this is great, sometimes I am horrified, but I’m endlessly fascinated at the consistency with which I disagree with their reasoning. Law attracts certain types of people, and moreover is strongly reinforcing of tradition. So while people might propose new policies, their moral reasoning tends to be conservative in its **process** even when it comes to new (even revolutionary) conclusions about what is moral. This makes sense to the extent that you’re going to have to convince other people that you’re right, so you have to engage the traditional moral reasoning at some point.

    But why embrace it? Why not just demonstrate that traditional moral reasoning leads to a bad outcome and suggest a new way of reasoning, not just new factors to plug into the same equation? It’s hard to understand, but I explore it frequently.

    And at its core, this is all about meta-social ethics: not what do we determine is correct, but how do we go about determining what is correct.

    I disagree, on a core level, with the moral reasoning of quite a few justice movements. I think we can build better ones. I think we can build ones that are more persuasive, more cross-fertile, more mutually supportive, more fulfilling, and more successful. I often see why people make some of the choices that they do, but that doesn’t mean endorsing the why.

    There’s tons there to explore that has nothing to do with “timely” though hopefully I’ve been cogent. And if PZ made me a guest poster on some of this stuff, it would change the flavor. I’m more meta than PZ. Obviously I engage the now, but a blog, even one that used the now, the current to explore the meta (I often find that current events give a good hook and can provide help in understanding the practical consequences of a concept, of a way of thinking, but very often my goal is that deeper understanding, not just educating about the status quo or current events, not even just to condemn them), would be different. PZ deals with the current to take it down, but take it down using an established frame of interrogation with which every regular reader should be familiar.

    And he wishes to build something new, he’s not only about destruction, he wants to create something better. So my frame isn’t more about building and less about tearing down, or anything like that. But nonetheless, it’s a different frame that asks of readers a different set of skills. I think it would feel really different, and I don’t have any wish to change the character of PZ’s space. I mean, look at Walton’s guest post: it was very current, and very critical, but not at all meta. It used established values that are shared with PZ to take down some horrible happenings with which PZ was just unfamiliar. I would likely take on some of the same things that PZ takes on (but not oncogenes, thank-you-very-much, I know at least SOME of my limitations), but take them on very differently. We might share some outrage on pedagogical issues, and we will almost certainly share outrage on political interference in pedagogy, but I’m more critical of teaching as an institution, and from what I can tell, when I talk about pedagogy, I’m talking about power in the classroom from a more fundamental level. PZ does a good job talking about sexism in STEM. But he doesn’t take on the idea that to be an academic, one gets a job and takes on value for knowing things that others don’t. If you are really, really successful at communicating your ideas to the point where what you know is common sense (at least in your field), that robs you of a certain currency in your field. You might gain fame for having a successful theory or teaching career, but fame is a different currency. Are these currencies compatible? To what extent?

    So yeah, I read science, but wouldn’t post much about it: to that extent we’re mutually reinforcing. But I don’t think I’d have anything I’d want to offer as a guest post for reasons of awkwardness of asking and also b/c what wouldn’t work as a comment likely also wouldn’t work as a guest post, but for different reasons.

  183. Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden says

    @pteryxx:

    Ack! Bad google-fu! I searched using the domain restriction site:freethoughtblogs.com/pharyngula b/c I didn’t want to type in the whole quote and didn’t want to get overloaded with false positives. When it wasn’t here, I didn’t think it might be elsewhere on FtB.

    My bad. thanks for the help.

  184. says

    More conservative action (and money) being thrown into the fight against LGBT rights:

    The Heritage Foundation, arguably the most powerful ideological force in the modern conservative movement, has declared war against LGBT workplace rights.

    Heritage’s Action Fund announced on Friday it would “score” an upcoming Senate vote on the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA), meaning that any Republican who votes for ENDA would get a black mark on Heritage’s influential legislative scorecard. Though protecting LGBT Americans from being fired on solely on the basis of the sexual or gender identity is massively popular, Heritage’s threat could scare off Senate Republicans wary of a Tea Party primary challenger. …

    Allowing employers power to fire employees who come out of the closet, full stop, subjects LGBT employees to immense coercive pressure. Their most basic right to conscience, the right to express a core part of their identity, is obliterated. …

    http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2013/11/02/2879921/opposing-enda-heritage-tells-gay-people-hide-closet/