You must read this overheated paean to his semen by a pickup artist (or if you prefer, you can have Saruman read it aloud to you). This guy literally thinks his seed is so wonderful that women ought to be begging him for it.
But, excuse my bio-pedantry, there’s one part that I found factually annoying. It reflects a fundamental misunderstanding of basic reproductive biology and genetics.
My salty essence and genetic code is a gift from my father, and his father, and his father, and on it goes. Its the sticky genetic code of self-sufficient men who have protected and provided for family, women and children. Its the haplogroup of men who built civilization. I have the genetic lineage of warriors, business owners, firefighters, blacksmiths, farmers, herders, poets, politicians, soldiers, artists and even chefs. Hard jobs that help build the world, thinking jobs that help build a culture, they’ve all been done by men in my bloodline. My ceiling for accomplishment is limitless.
That leaves out a significant fact. Approximately half of the genetic sequence in Mr Raving PUA’s sperm comes from his mother, and from her mother and his father’s mother, etc. Half of it is from the women who built civilization. I think that’s a fine thing, but I wonder; does he believe it dilutes the quality of his semen that it isn’t exclusively passed on from father to son?
(Sorry, passing semen from father to son is a really icky image.)
Further, half of his glorious seed will generate mere daughters. Clearly, his proud man-juice is weak and tainted with the poison of femininity.
Also, for some reason, I couldn’t help thinking of the Kronar stories on Oglaf (NSFW!).
That’s where you are mistaken, PZ. See, his forefathers (and he only had forefathers) didn’t lower themselves to reproduce with women! It’s obvious that, just as he will someday, his forefathers simply jerked off in some field and where ever their drops of semen touched the ground up popped flawless specimen of human perfection, such as the ubermensch that wrote that. Like little flowers, you know?
It’s magical thinking at its finest.
Too bad none of his forefathers included biologists…
Or humans, apparently, since this guy’s family reproduces by budding. Plant man is MANLY. Testosterone courses through his mighty stem and BURSTS FORTH as complete and utter bullhonky.
If I didn’t know that it wasn’t satire, I’d be laughing my arse off.
All his mitchondria come from his mother. All his energy, all his strength, all his power….
… The very motility of the sperm in his semen….
And here I thought that was the point of pick up artistry.
#3 Sophia
It’s not satire. Follow the links.
That’s the most bizarre and horrifying thing I’ve read in months. It’s like… his own personal theory of eugenics, coupled with breathtaking misogyny and even more breathtaking arrogance. I’d suspect him of being a neo-fascist, except that I imagine his “master race” would consist only of himself.
@7
Indeed. If I didn’t know it wasn’t satire = I know it’s not satire. … I think. Hence not laughing. :(
That dramatic reading is a masterpiece. I laughed so hard I almost forgot to feel despair for humanity.
“women’t aren’t rejecting me! I’m denying them MY ESSENCE!”
sure dude!
someone on jezebel posted a screencap of a cash4gold commercial. I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time.
I thought it was the creationists who asked “How many millions of years was it between the first male and the first female?” I didn’t realize all-male lineage was… a thing.
http://freethoughtblogs.com/cuttlefish/2009/07/07/lonely-percy/
Women sense my power and they seek the life essence. I, uh… I do not avoid women, Mandrake but I do deny them my essence.
I just want to say…. reading his blog was the most disgusting thing I have ever read. Rarely do things I read produce and actual gag reflex… what I read, and his other blog posts made me seriously angry and made me literally gag.
I just want to warn people… reading the sht that he writes on his blog.. is not for the faint of heart. Seriously, do not read it unless you are prepared to be angry as sht and vomiting in disgust at the same time.. and the comment section on his blog is that much worse…
Just don’t… to even know such people exist and others support the ideology seriously…. I mean, I do not even know how to express my disgust. Just be warned.. YES IT IS THAT BAD.
Go that route. Trust me.
Is there a Pick-ed Up Artists blog/network somewhere? That title needs work but hopefully you get the idea. It’s still that opposite perspective which you don’t hear enough of.
I think it’d be a bit of a shock to these guys systems to read stuff like that. They are so convinced, it would seem, that they are walking in an imposing themselves on a neutral or passive situation. They’re cajoling and taming unbroken ponies or something, via ancient masculine knowledge and willpower with their firm but sensual touch or whatever garbage (or using high tech, latest thing bio-psy-ops-hacking bullshit).
Where the truth is plenty of women know this crap well enough and know exactly what’s going on and if you, PUA, are really lucky, they’re trying to see past it to some real you worth salvaging.
Seeing as enough guys flock to this stuff because they want to reverse the emasculation explanation they have in their heads for their sex life and want to know The Secret to getting ahead of the game; . there’s a certain perverse delight in imagining them contemplating the ladies already knowing this “secret” themselves and adjusting accordingly.
I’m going to have a hard time seeing the “Liquid GOOOOOOOLD” commercial in the same light as I did before.
American Psycho?
I promise. Promise. I would not be “giving” sex to a psychotic narcissist semen worshiper who also apparently thinks his ejaculate itself is the most desirable thing one can get from sex.
Men of lesser genetics probably are better with their tongues, for instance. I doubt very seriously his seriously noxious personality wouldn’t result in a high percentage of neurotic offspring.
@13 That was my first thought, exactly. Greatest film evar.
This guy clearly subscribes to the homonculus hypothesis of embryogenesis. A good conservative: no actual science will disturb his 17th Century view of the world.
I second the suggestion of SC (Sally Current) to follow that link to the guy imitating Saruman reading out this.
On that note I find it quite impressive that he managed to keep up without breaking out in any form of laughter or exasperation.
Typical though. Impossible demands on the any female he’d want to court (note: he’d think he’d court them, most people would run away from it).
“Men invented ceilings. Lie back and worship us.”
/end snarky paraphrase
Seems to me that if he explains his rules for the dispensing of his royal jizz to any woman he meets, he’s not exactly going to have a problem with over-dispensing it.
Also, if his stuff is really “liquid fucking gold”, I certainly do not want it anywhere near me. Ouch.
Also, regarding Kronar, I cannot read the line “free from woman’s taint” without giggling.
“my salty essence, the rope of Holy Yogurt”
AHHAHHAHAHAHAH
Are you dehydrated or something?
Heh. I completely lost it right about here:
This one might be an ancestor of his. If I remember rightly, he behaves like a douchebag at the end of the film…
Somehow, I just get this gut feeling that this guy is one of those narcissists who’s been given numerous chances to prove himself, but sabotages himself and his co-workers with his attitude, ignores advice and criticism, and holds unrealistic expectations of personal success when everyone else accurately predicts mediocrity and failure as consequences of his naive actions. Then, when he’s held accountable for his foolishness, blames the co-workers for being uncooperative saboteurs because they’re envious of his superiority and want to see him fail.
Then again, I often get that feeling from a lot of misogynists and racists. Many of them seem to lack any sort of virtue tied to their individual identity, so it seems like they swing around their sexual or racial privilege and rationalize their failures away as sabotage by outsiders to feel better about themselves without actually doing anything productive.
This needs to be my ringtone. Glorious.
@ Muz 16
Good grief why?!?! Out of curiosity, why does it make sense to look for diamonds in shit? When was the last time anyone found any?
Very sad, but one can understand it from the perspective of confirmation bias and anecdotal experience. Also, if someone’s dumb enough to believe the BS artists’ claims of success.
It’s interesting that you didn’t mention scientists. They are the ones who built the modern world.
For fuck’s sake, everybody “built the modern world.” If you really want a world full of scientists who built the whole fucking thing, go find one and bring the evidence of that back with you.
karmakat
For some reason, this comic comes to mind now.
So we need to convince this guy that since his seed is “liquid fucking gold,” he should make sure to collect every drop in a latex purse and never let any enter the vagina of a mere woman. That would be good.
The term “self-fulfilling prophesy” comes to mind for some reason.
Looks like a long winded way to say “sour grapes”.
I guess we can assume that the Saruman reading is from Saruman…the White??? Ahem.
SADunlap @28
Yeah it is a worry. But it seems in certain circles it’s all people know (there is various ‘degrees of severity’, I suppose you could say, of PUArtistry of course). I recall the endless theorising and redrawing of courtship ‘semiotics’ in youth, where nothing is actually straightforward. It’s pretty much an extension of that really.
What’s curious is how they don’t seem to think think they’re interacting with a dynamic, reactive system (to put it in a crass sort of inhuman way). It’s a wild, skittish herd and they are the horse whisperer.
They’d probably say “Oh of course we know!”, but the way they talk (the less absurd than this guy at the top anyway), I think it’d really upset a few apple carts to see people really know this stuff and probably play it back accordingly. (Yeah, hard to think that it’d shock anyone to know that locking eyes with someone an extra long time, sitting extra close etc isn’t some sort of hormone stirring magic but a sign you’re following a script someone else can choose to play along with. But people do seem that obtuse)
I played this on my livestream this morning and the entire room was rolling on the floor, I had to mute my mic because I couldn’t breathe through laughing. This is LIQUID FUCKING GOLD! lmao
……. wheezing with laughter……..
is this the guy?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-ZiI3iVgpM
uncle frogy
Kronar of course values “manly” strength regardless who wields it (check the follow-up comic), so he’s actually much more progressive on this than that guy.
As a biologist, I also felt like telling him “liquid pearls” would be a better metaphor. If it’s a ruddy yellow, it’s probably got blood and urine in it, and he’s probably had a blowout somewhere.
me too
Well, if all you really want at the moment is a vibrator, a dildo with a buzz is a reasonable substitute.
As a male, he inherited on Y chromosome from his father and one X from his mother. The X is much bigger than the Y. That and the mitochondrial DNA means that in fact more than half of his genetic sequence comes from his mother.
I meant to say that is it interesting that Kronar did not mention scientists.
Without scientists, we wouldn’t have vaccines, modern medicine (as imperfect as it is), the internet, cars, airplanes, phones, etc.
Saruman voice guy is AWESOME.
The gift that keeps on giving. You must hear it.
Well, punching in, y’know. Makes the well-nigh impossible easy.
karmacat@46,
Orwell could just as easily have added “In order that scientists may discover new truths about the world”, and could have said much of what he did about miners, about agricultural labourers, textile workers, sailors, steel workers, glass-blowers, rubber-tappers… and of course (although he was probably too conventionally sexist for it to have occurred to him) the women who bore, and overwhelmingly did the work of rearing, the next generation.
Karmacat:
And without everyone else doing what they do, scientists wouldn’t have been able to do shit. That’s the point you insist on missing.
And Kronar is the dude in the Oglaf cartoon, not the liquid gold dude.
PZ:
It would have made a much better artistic metaphor as well. There’s a touch of the poetic in it, and it doesn’t have the rather repellent image of liquid gold ejaculate. That’s just eeeeuuw. And the liquid gold business made think of the old tales about King Midas.
+ 1
“Mine is FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOLD!!!!! What’s yours!?”
O hai! I maded you an Internet out of lavender cookies, and I did not eated it. kthxbai
Bookmarked.
Yup.
Thread won.
He’s like the John Galt of spooge.
Definitely a traditionalist! Only finest, sun-kissed, dewy-eyed beauties (female, it goes without saying!) of unquestioned virginity for Liquid Gold Man’s one night stands!
–
Genetics could be relevant, I suppose; how much does being able to roll it actually help? O.o
Still seems to pale in comparison to the combination of seeing one’s partner as a human being and caring about her pleasure…and being really, really entertained/amused by the noises and reactions that accompany it. :3
Or so I’ve *cough* heard…
Another random thought.: gold melts at about 1046 C. I find the fact that this is “1337” K amusing, but I don’t think more than a few hundred people on earth would find having liquid gold inside them appealing even to think about. O.O
And how are pearls formed?
By constant irritation!
Also, aragonite only melts at 825 C. I guess it’s an improvement.
Kronar only pawn in game of life.
For valuation purposes, magical unicorn pussy trumps liquid gold spunk.
The Saruman reading was…. no words…… but it could have been improved upon by a little interjection of Gollum… say, right after the bit about enjoying every last drop of the Royal Essence….
“We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious.They stole it from us. Sneaky little feminists. Wicked, tricksy, false!”
I’ve got the WTF blues @ 57:
:Snortle: Ah, that would have been the :ahem: cherry on top.
Azkyroth: ” but I don’t think more than a few hundred people on earth would find having liquid gold inside them appealing even to think about. ”
Interesting that there is a lore around Roman statesmen being killed by having molten gold poured down their throats–Crassus, Valerian. Maybe he has a background in the classics. All I can say is that his genetics are so precious that he shouldn’t waste them on any ovum. He should horde them ’til he dies.
A_Ray:
A common punishment for servants or slaves who helped women to elope with a lover of their choice was to pour molten lead down their throat.
All I have to say is that Sarumangry reading was liquid fucking gold! I really needed that laugh.
He could have turned his rant into a poem titled “Ode to a Small Lump of Smelly Yellow Putty I Found in My Cum Rag One Midsummer Morning.”
His poem would have been worse than the Vogons and the Azgoths of Kria but would still be nothing compared to that of Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Sussex.
Wow. Just….wow. Sometimes I wish had been born a woman.
Seth @ 63:
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
Done to Crassus by people who considered him disgustingly rich. Crassly even.
Being a man isn’t either…especially when in the company of judgmental pricks who tear into you for being bi-sexual. (sigh) This world has a long way to go.
I guess there is no guarantee that you’ll turn out any good at all despite having some ancestors-with-accomplishments. Genetics, wut?
I understand why Greg Laden says that male brains are damaged by testosterone, and this guy must have taken a really bad hit, right down to thalamus.
Paulino:
I get the idea that you did not understand what Laden was writing about. This is not a matter of brain damage (and no, Laden wasn’t saying that), and your remark is unnecessary and carries splash damage, so don’t do this, okay?
Mr. Liquid Gold is hardly alone in his feelings, the ranks of PUAs and assholes are many, no brain damage involved.
After reading his article I want to cut my hair, get tattoos and piercings, burp and swear – *anything* that would keep him away from me.
David Marjanović
Which Crassus would that be? Marcus Licinius Crassus, the Trimvir who was famed for his fantastic wealth, died at the battle of Carrhae, as did his son, Publius, while all the later Crassuses I can find appear to have died of natural causes.
@70: agreed. If this clown is actually serious, he’s done us all a favour by telling man, woman, child and dog alike what to do to put him in him proper place (far the fuck away from all decent intelligent beings).
Whereas, if you’re a woman, many people, especially men, are enthusiastic about you being “bisexual,” provided you’re conventionally attractive and by “bisexual” you mean “willing to [at minimum make out with] other women for the enjoyment of male spectators.”
It’s all bullshit, really.
Pascale68:
As long as you aren’t shooting molten gold, and subject to pontificating the rare value of said molten gold, I think you’re safe.
I suspect that by now everyone has heard of this post
FYI-If You’re a Teenage Girl
in which a mother reviews pictures posted by her son’s friends on Facebook, and slut shames girls who post pictures she considers inappropriate before blocking them.
I’m pretty sure her boys are all going to grow up to be like the Liquid Gold dude. After all, they have to come from someplace.
OK, it seems we have a new corollary to Poe’s law. We can call it Kronar’s Law, after the man whose seed is so special Monsanto wants patent rights. I really can’t think that any PUA/MRA parody can get any more bizarre than this guy.
That dramatic reading is the funniest thing ever. Holy cow I laughed a lot.
Dalillama, I believe that in actuality, the whole gold down the throat thing was posthumous with Crassus. Similarly, there are tales of Valerian being killed by the molten gold cocktail–also apparently propaganda. That is why I referred to them as lore. There is a similar tale of Valerian being flayed alive, and then getting the molten gold treatment. In actuality, Valerian seems to have actually been fairly well treated.
ROTFLMAO!
Ok, after (yet another) crappy day at work, I needed this thread.
OT:
@75 coleslaw
I did see that. A friend of mine linked/liked it on her facebook. I made sure to tell her how awful I thought it was.
She has different pictures up now, but it was originally a bunch of beach pictures of her sons half naked and flexing while she slut shamed girls. There is a comment from her expressing her dismay that anyone could possibly see those pictures of her boys as anything but innocent and wholesome and she explains that she hadn’t even given any thought to what pictures she posted. That’s the point dear: you can post pictures of teenage boys with the full expectation that people will see them as people and not the objects of someone else’s uncontrollable lust.
The pictures she has up now are all of them looking at pics on their phones and laughing. Maybe it’s just me but I feel like it creates the impression that they’re looking at the pictures her post is about and mocking those girls. It’s probably accidental given how clueless she obviously is but it’s disgusting all the same.
Mr. Liquid Gold: http://oglaf.com/fancy/
We’ve dubbed him GoldSpooge over on Manboobz. There has been much hilarity over this bloke for the last couple of days. It’s been a welcome relief from the incredibly depressing election outcome here, so at least Mr Liquid Gold has done one worthwhile thing in his life, even inadvertently.
I love that Oglaf cartoon. Well, I love most Oglafs, so no surprise. :)
it dissolves readily in acid though.
“My ceiling for accomplishment is limitless.”
Really? Then, oh limitless one, how is it a ceiling? Something which is, by definition, a limit.
I think too much concentration on how glorious his jism his has robbed this driveller of his ability to do logic. Well, I say robbed….
Louis
“My ceiling For accomplishment is limitless!”
Usually you don’t see this sort of narcissistic megalomania outside of mad scientists or super villains. Just to be on the safe side, I’d have someone check if he’s building a weather control machine or a mind-control laser in his Mom’s basement.
@I’ve got the WTF blues(#57):
Oh that is a good one. Maybe we can convince Sarumangry to splice it into the original.
@ 86
We can be pretty sure he does not have the smarts for much at all after reading his other drivel.
Reading that “genetic lineage” it I picture some guy in an SS uniform …
Louis:
I was confused by this as well. Perhaps it’s a spherical ceiling, so it’s limitless in the sense that it isn’t bounded by any edges, even though in other respects it’s finite (and in this case, happens to be very small). I believe you British people refer to this as “the sky,” but perhaps all of that was just painted on the inside surface.
The limitations on his accomplishments are themselves boundless?
I kinda figure the ceiling of his accomplishments is sticky, mostly.
Yes, very small and also sticky. I forgot to mention that. It also smells like feces, after having so much poop thrown at it — but only like it, as they are distinct smells. One thing we know for sure is that there is a such a ceiling. That’s just logic.
No, no, it’s sticky with gold! Gold! Wonderful, precious, sticky gold!
Remember a month or two back when some people did try this and it turned out it was lucky the police arrested them before they tried it and irradiated their stupid asses?
What, and prevented a great addition to the annals of the Darwin Awards?
Where’s their sense of fun?
IIRC they were trying to build a cancer ray to sell to the Klan
Ingdigo Jump
No, they were Klansmen who were trying to build a death ray and sell it to Israel via the local mosque so it could be used to kill Arabs.
jeez
Klan deathrays.
Y’all got links?
my google-fu is failing…
Chigau
Here’s one, here’s another. Any more an I’ll trip the filter.
Dalillama
thanks for the links
that is even stupider than I imagined
Now I have an entirely different view of “Goldfinger”.
It was refreshing, not having a wave of MRA / PUA types invading this thread. A person might think they find Señor Oro Liquido an embarrassment.
All of which jobs require a penis. I mean, the chef alone … probably needs two for really difficult chefing, like Cordon Bleu. And business owners, well puh-leeese! You can’t possibly have your company go public and expect the IPO to succeed without three or four penises. And I mean functioning, if you catch my drift. Why this fellow feels he has to repeat the obvious is beyond me.
Amongst all the icky metaphors, waxing lyrical about his own spunk, he reveals a contemptuous attitude towards women, a deep belief in gender essentialism, and a deep-seated need to convince himself that he is more than average despite all evidence to the contrary. Quelle surprise (and come to think of it, I’m fairly certain the the former two are merely symptoms of the latter, making my list rather redundant).
Amongst all the self-important mental wankery, I think my favourite phrase is “volume of cock” *giggle*.
@Ichthyic #100
Eeeeewwww!
Ichthyic, so that’s what Shirley Eaton was actually covered with.
Oops. So it was probably made up by some history-writer/-faker who hated M. Licinius Crassus for being so rich.
+ 1
Seconded!
Also seconded. I’m still giggling here. X-)
See also: Goldmember.
+ 1
Remind me to never look up who that is. :-)
Its the haplogroup of men who built civilization.
Actually, I am more bothered by the racism than the sexism in this one. The sexism is just stupid, the racism is classic “white man’s burden”. His haplogroup built civilization? Deary, I don’t care what your haplogroup is, I can flat out guarantee that it wasn’t your ancestors alone who built civilization. Or only the men. And it sure as shit ain’t you that’s building it.
@David Marjonovic
Yeah, I had no idea who Shirley Eaton was either, until somehow thread context intruded on my brain and Bamf! there appeared the image.
And, oh, am I so, so sorry.
Thumper:
Tempting though it is to laugh at the probable gulf between his self-image and the less golden reality, I think that misses the mark. He could be a Nobel-winning Olympic medallist, and he’d still be a ridiculous, disgusting douchebiscuit. Plenty of highly successful people have loathsome attitudes and grandiose fantasies: that’s not limited to losers.