Oct 05 2010

The Next Thing I’d Do

If I were the devil, the next thing I’d do…

Seems that there is quite a lot that can be explained about the relationships among differing faith communities, if you simply apply the Flip Wilson defense: “The Devil made me do it!”

My first take was yesterday’s post:

If I were the devil, the first thing I’d do
(I’d be subtle, and not too apparent)
Is create holy writings that all disagree
And announce that each one is inerrant.

Thinker added

If I were the devil, the next thing I’d do
(as if the first wasn’t sufficient)
is to claim god is always benevolent
and almighty, as well as omniscient.

Me again:

If I were the devil, the third thing I’d do
(when the first two had ceased to delight)
Is to find two opponents, with two different views,
And privately tell each: “you’re right”.

Ring Tailed Lemurian added

If I were the devil, the fourth thing I’d do
(because I’d be evil and love to start wars)
is to find a tribe near some inhabited land
and tell them “It’s holy to me, and it’s yours”.

Thinker again:

If I were the devil, the fifth thing I’d do
(after four, I’m becoming quite nimble)
is to tell one group “Here, eat the meat of God’s Son”
and another “The wafer’s a symbol”.

He then observed, quite correctly, “this is fun!”

So go ahead! Pick any number you like, or use “the next thing”, and have fun!

If I were the devil, the next thing I’d do
(As we make our way up to infinity)
Is tell one group that Jesus is simply a prophet,
And others he’s part of The Trinity

Of course, you can write about other topics than conflicts in religious doctrine. Once you get the devil involved, everything makes more sense!

If I were the devil, one more thing I’d do
(cos I work in mysterious ways)
Is to make fundamentalist homophobes preachers
Disclose they are closeted gays


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  1. 1

    For that time in the future when our diabolical imaginations have run their course (and it may take a long time!), may I propose the following closing stanza?If I were an angel, I’d say to the world(looking down at this devilish strife):“Can’t you see this is caused by your groundless beliefs?Get it right: get along – get a life!”Now, let's see, back to diabolical thought… hmm…

  2. 2

    If I were the devil the next thing I'd do(Wilst the whole population is warring)I'd look over at God and I'd  smile and nod, But I'm sure that he finds my game boring.  This IS fun!

  3. 3
    Ring Tailed Lemurian

    If I was Yahweh, the first thing I'd dois invent the devil, and the concept of "sin".Then, whenever I did something typically nasty,I could blame it all on Man, and my "evil twin".

  4. 4

    As our host has been to infinity, I figured I'd also go a little higher, with inspiration from Rhacodactyl's mention of Piña Coladas in the previous thread…If I were the devil, deed six-sixty-six,(as I’m sure you’re aware, that’s my sign)would be to tell some that they can’t drink at alland others my blood is their wine.

  5. 5

    I am the devil and the thing that I do(Which causes me ultimate glee)Is to force your allegiance with threats of damnationAnd then to tell you you're free

  6. 6
    Tempus Vernum

    If I were the devil the next thing I'd do(I think this is number eleven)Is to find some poor suckers and tell them that faith!and not works is the way into Heaven.

  7. 7

    If I were the devil, the next thing I'd do(along with the things I have stated)is to make lots of people and tell them "be good",then condemn them for flaws I'd created.

  8. 8
    Plex Flexico

    If I were the devil, the next thing I'd do To cause division, heartache and pain?I'd convince the weak-minded that love is a crime,And fill them with self-loathing and shame.

  9. 9

    If I were the devil, I’d happily revelAnd laugh at this ‘prison’ called HellI’d thank The Almighty for, while being Smite-y,Forgetting ‘bout bars on my cell…Thus giving me freedom to fly up to Eden(and – since God is none too astute -)To bring down Creation (or cause liberation?) With nowt but a dumb piece of fruit!

  10. 10

    I should have said:"…(or bring liberation?)…"

  11. 11

    ugh. and "while" should be "whilst", I think.

  12. 12

    If I were the devil, the next thing I'd do?I'd establish the true church of Satan!Then the Christians and all of those church-goin' folkwill be sure that there's evil worth Hatin'!And once there's a seed of hate in their heartsI'll rejoice! – as it will be a cinchto make them confused of what's 'black' and what's 'white'That the world will be gray in a pinch!

  13. 13

    If I were the devil the next thing I'd do(While the whole of mankind were my little toys)Is to find some old men, deprive them of women,And supply them with lots of young boys.

  14. 14

    If I were the devil, I'd look at mankind(whose felonious ways are abundant)And observe that they feel to be holier-than-thouWhereas I'd feel wholly redundant.If I were the devil, a trickster I'd be;(For deceit, I've a strong predilection)I'd make rational folks think I really exist -Quite a feat, for an old work of fiction.

  15. 15
    Johnny Vector

    If I were the devil, I'd make people meanBy poking them till they are frazzled.I'd crash their PCs and I'd scratch all their records,Just like Peter Cook in Bedazzled.

  16. 16

    If I were the Devil, I’d find a MessiahTo preach God’s clear and undoubted Word,And then get some rubes to follow the ShoeWhile others follow the Gourd.If I were the Devil, I’d fuddle their mindSo they can’t see the difference betweenThe command “do not kill” and “always be kind”And the urge for mass slaughter obscene.If I were Old Nick, I’d furnish a leaderWith authority grand and austere,Then create a disease a mere sheath will preventAnd have him say “Don’t use that here”.Fun's not the word (in both senses).Zackoz

  17. 17

    This is compulsive!An update first -If I were the Devil, I’d find a MessiahTo preach God’s clear and undoubted Word,And then get some rubes to follow the ShoeWhile others follow the Gourd.From that minor start, all kinds of fun flitAs they’ll fight and dispute and abuse,And they’ll grate and they’ll hate, with split after split,(Gourdists, Shoeists), Papists, Proddies and Jews.And:A rascal called Pascal whose mask’ll not break, Delighted me (Satan) by naming the odds:“You’re in if you win; if not, you’ve no stake”.I adore such a lie, (and it doesn’t prove gods).If I was the Enemy, it would be such funTo proclaim Original Sin,Being sure to apply it to everyoneBecause you’re guilty before you begin.Zackoz

  18. 18

    If I were the devil, the next thing I'd do,A ruse far too fun to resist,Is have folks go to war over how I'm defined,Ironic, since I don't exist.

  19. 19

    Well I am the Devil come up from the pitTo issue a clarificationGuess who it was, the Apple, first bitThen invented prevarication?

  20. 20

    If I were the Devil,(which I am)I'd give people psychotic episodes complete with hallucinations of meThis game is very cleverQ.E.D

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