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Aug 01 2010

Feminists ride a new wave – sidesaddle

1:57 am 8/1/2010

Spelios Bacoyanis, Blag Hag Staff Reporter

CHICAGO, IL – In what’s being heralded as a shocking move, the National Organization of Women (NOW) announced the end of Third Wave Feminism and the beginning of a Fourth Wave.

“It was time for a change,” said Jennifer Baumgardner, a pioneer of Third Wave Feminism and co-author of Manifesta, a leading treatise of Third Wave thought. “We just got tired of, you know, telling people that fuck-me pumps are empowering.”

Third Wave Feminism stood in stark contrast to its predecessor, Second Wave Feminism. Where the Second Wave addressed inequalities, sexuality, family, the workplace, and, perhaps most controversially, reproductive rights, Third Wave Feminism focused on sex-positivity, which gave a broader definition of what sex means and what oppression and empowerment may mean in the context of sex.

“Essentially, we just wanted to fuck and forget,” continued Baumgardner.

The next wave of feminism diverges dramatically from all previous waves of feminist theory. While gender equality remains the penumbral objective, the road to equality has a new path.

“With the economy being what it is, and the rigors of modern life being so difficult on everyone, we at NOW came to the inescapable conclusion that life before feminism was better for women,” said NOW president, Terry O’Neill. “Finding a good man to stand behind and producing him a son and heir, being soft spoken and subservient, and, most of all, staying in the house and only leaving with your husband’s permission are now the cornerstones. The Fourth Wave will empower women by alleviating them of all the bullshit one has to put up with in a modern society. If you can find a man that has a well paying job and who can provide, why not just live a comfortable life and just, you know, let him deal with it.”

O’Neill then quickly added, “Besides, it’s not that bad being second to the man of the house. You just have to remember your place sometimes.”

The evolution of Fourth Wave thought has been attributed to the success of the Twilight novels.

“While the thoughts have always been there, Twilight really opened up many women’s eyes by showing us that as independent as we want to be, we’re only worthwhile when we have an Edward to hold and love us,” Said Baumgardner. Edward, a sparkling obviously-not-gay vampire, is the love interest of the teen aged protagonist in the Twilight “saga”.

Despite the expedient move from Third to Fourth Wave, there has been very little resistance to the adoption of these new Fourth Wave Principles.

“The Third Wave had its time, but it has really started to get old.” Said Jen McCreight. “Sex is great and all, but every Third Waver knew, in their heart of hearts, that it couldn’t last. We all knew that, at some point, we were going to have to find a man to provide for us so we could just relax. We knew we had to sell out sometime.”

Added McCreight, “I just hope that there’s a sugar daddy left for me.”

This is post 39 of 49 of Blogathon. Pledge a donation to the Secular Student Alliance here.

13 comments

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  1. 1
    LS

    You realize what will result of the final line, don’t you?I’m really torn here. Should I make a joke about the constant arguments tabletop gamers get into over the merits of 3rd edition vs. 4th edition D&D, or should I quote “Inherit the Wind?”Um…Zomg, guys, 4th Wave Feminism is just Feminism: Blogger Edition….I should have gone with the quote. Goddamnit.

  2. 2
    StephenS

    I wonder how long it will be before someone reads this post and believes it is serious?

  3. 3
    LS

    By the way, Jen, I sent that transcription to you via email. I realize I’ve said this via a number of different mediums now, but twitter is going up and down, and I don’t know if you’re actually checking your email or not, given how busy typing you must be. I assume you are reading comments, though.

  4. 4
    Morrcb

    What about the women who don’t like Twilight? We’ll never be happy in this Fourth Wave Feminism. When women fall back into their traditional gender roles, will the women who hate Twilight be the ones to drag them out like in the Second Wave? Will feminism throughout history be just like the stock market with its charts that have lines that go up and down all the time?

  5. 5
    LS

    Women who don’t like Twilight are obviously lesbians, and we should probably stone them or something.

  6. 6
    JvjB

    Twilight? Is this how dumb society has got. I think it’s more empowering for women to live their lives and realise thatr the only thing that really drags them down is the boundaries created by third and fourth wave early adopters. Jeez, it’s like like Microsoft V Apple. Can all people be just recognised for their potential? This is 2010…Still can’t figure why Twilight is mentioned here. This is a joke post isn’t it?

  7. 7
    LS

    lulz

  8. 8
    the_Siliconopolitan

    Phyllis Arschfly must be clapping her little hands right about now.

  9. 9
    Jan Der

    Keeping bitches in check: http://manhood101.com

  10. 10
    Tash

    Bestest post EVAH!!!!

  11. 11
    TerranRich

    We here at the Masculinist Movements are quite pleased with this latest development. Now get in the kitchen and make us some pie!

  12. 12
    TerranRich

    Movement*

  13. 13
    Muffinmania583

    I thought this was serious until I saw Twilight reference. I see what you did there.

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