BREAKING NEWS WASHINGTON, DC Tens of millions of American patriots advanced on the nation’s capital today with the goal of overthrowing the current regime and installing an overtly Christian conservative government, by force if necessary. The intended overthrow was disrupted, however, when the Lord Jesus Christ Himself appeared in the skies over Washington and Raptured away all but a few of the protesters, in accordance with the prophecies of I Thessalonians 4:15-17, before any TV news crews could capture the awesome spectacle. The remaining protesters, apparently insufficiently pleasing to God, have vowed to dedicate themselves to becoming even more irrational and intolerant, in hopes of weaning their way back into God’s good graces. Further bulletins as events warrant.
(I mean, that HAS to be it, right?)