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Sep 11 2012

Luke 4 (the longer text)

And the devil, taking Jesus up into an high mountain, showed unto him all the kingdoms of the world in a moment of time. And the devil said unto him, “All this power will I give thee, and the glory of them: for that is delivered unto me; and to whomsoever I will I give it. If thou therefore wilt worship me, all shall be thine.”

And Jesus answered and said unto him, “Get thee behind me, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve.”

And he departed from thence, and the devil was filled with rage. But as he lingered upon the mountain, behold, three of Jesus disciples approached him and said, “O great one, give us this power also, that we may have power over the kingdoms of the world. For we are not mighty like our Lord, and we fear lest our preaching be without effect, because of our weakness.”

And the devil said, “Behold, to you I shall give great power, and you shall build mighty empires, and at your word rulers will rise and fall. But there is a price you must pay.” And they said unto him, “Tell us.” And he saith unto them, “Behold, one day a man will arise who worships many gods, yea even a god with many wives. And you shall command your followers, that they obey this man and make him their ruler, for by such blasphemies does my own power grow.” And they said unto him, “How shall we do this? For our people will never elect a man who worships many gods having many wives.” And the devil said, “Go, for I will raise up a ruler before him, who will be different from his predecessors, and I will stir up hatred and enmity against him (for in hatred and enmity are my strength) and your people will vote for anyone just to be rid of him.” And they said unto him, “May it be as you have said.”

And their names were James and Jerry and Pat. And he gave unto them great power, and wealth, and many followers, and they commanded them to elect whomever their party proposed, even a ruler who worshipped many gods having many wives, and they obeyed, for they had grown accustomed to obedience.

And the devil was well pleased.

 

11 comments

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  1. 1
    scottbleasdale

    Excellent!

  2. 2
    baal

    Very nice :)

    (my one quibble is that it doesn’t include a part where the televangelists enhance stan’s power by increasing the wealth inequality between the named and their followers)

    1. 2.1
      Anonymous Atheist

      I’m amused by Stan = Satan :) (and this great post :D )

  3. 3
    shripathikamath

    Is there a name for the genre that creates reality-based fiction out of Biblical fiction.

    There ought to be, and you need to TM it or something

  4. 4
    Randomfactor

    Obama only won with help from the Devil? I guess that would go over big with the fundies, but…

    1. 4.1
      Deacon Duncan

      Well, you know, had to stay in character, sort of thing. :)

  5. 5
    mikespeir

    Is there a market for manufactured Scripture? I mean newly-minted Scripture.

  6. 6
    A Hermit

    Inevitably as I read it I heard the whole post in the voice of Rowan Atkinson…https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTzXJMU1sLc

  7. 7
    RKHB

    May I suggest a slight edit to the holy scripture? Instead of saying “And the devil said, “Go, for I will raise up a ruler before him, who will be different from his predecessors, and I…”why not go with “And the devil said, “It shall come to pass that a ruler will come before him, who will be different from his predecessors, and I…” I think it neatly removes the implication of “You know who” having anything to do with the election of our current president.

  8. 8
    PatrickG

    Great post, made me giggle (in a cynical way, if a giggle can be cynical).

  9. 9
    jamesskaar

    i suggested on my fb that, since less than 10% of those professing to be christian have actually read their bible, someone should make an animated film, leaving no details out, it got approval from several of my xtian friends, may as well go for it. it’d be fun to ‘it’s blasphemous? that never happened? well, let’s see what your bible says, you did bring it with you, right?’, subtitled with verse numbers and references to inconsistencies, translation error notes, that kind of stuff… expensive but fun.

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