I took one look at the hideous Washington Times website and almost had mercy on you, dear readers — it’s that ugly that I had second thoughts about inflicting it on others. But then, as you knew I would, I said “screw it” and decided if you weren’t tough enough to cope with bad web design on a mad man’s website, you wouldn’t be Pharyngula material anyway.

Of course, it’s not that far off kilter for a cult newspaper, but still…we can do better.

Should parents be allowed to refuse cancer treatments for their children?

Response Percent
Yes 39%
No 47%
Undecided 10%
Other 2%

I wonder, if I meddle in more Mooney polls, will it annoy God on Earth, Sun Myung Moon?

Would you believe what kind of inane question they’re asking now?

Do you believe you evolved from an ape-like creature?

Yes – 7.10%

No – 91.07%

Unsure – 1.83%

Gaaaah. I am an ape-like creature. My mother and father are ape-like creatures, as are my brothers and sisters and grandparents and distant relatives and ancient ancestors, going back tens of millions of years. And I’m proud of them all, every one of them, except for the lackwitted atavisms who squat in squalid ignorance at Christian news sites, congratulating each other on how their ancestry is only 6,000 years old…and every one of their parents was a similarly mindless blob with no connection to the deep history of life on earth.

This will be a tough one to dent since it already has tens of thousands of votes, but I’m sure you can give it a little bump. The Gideons have been getting aggressive and invading high school cafeterias and leaving bibles scattered about, and AOL addresses this invasion of secular schools with a hard-hitting internet poll.

What do you think about the Bibles left on tables inside public schools?

I’m for it
58%

I’m against it
28%

It doesn’t matter
14%

Are you Christian?

Yes
75%

No
16%

It’s personal
9%

I wonder how the people voting in favor of giving kids Bibles would feel if it had been Planned Parenthood that crashed the cafeteria to leave pamphlets about birth control?

I can hardly believe that Bill O’Reilly wants our opinion, but there it is, he’s asking, we should deliver.

The O’Reilly Factor wants to know what you think the WORST Entertainment TV show series of all time is. No news shows or specific episodes should be given as answers. The winning show may be featured in a new “American TV Icons” segment!

What do you think is the WORST Entertainment TV show series of all time?

Isn’t the answer obvious? This has to be a trick question. It’s got to be “O’Reilly Factor”.

His restriction that it not be a news show doesn’t disqualify it, since the O’Reilly Factor isn’t a news show.

Unfortunately, this poll doesn’t show the results, so you’ll be going in blind — you’ll have to cast your vote and trust that Bill O’Reilly will later report it accurately. I know, I used “trust” and “Bill O’Reilly” in the same sentence, just quit laughing, get up off the floor, and vote.

Secularists in Indiana wanted to run a simple message on buses in Bloomington: “You can be good without god”. The transit authority refused their money because the message was “too controversial”. Too controversial? Is it their position that it is controversial that atheists can be good? I would love to see a debate on that issue: let’s line up everyone in the transit authority who thinks atheists are always going to be evil, get their names and faces and opinions on record, and see if this really is controversial.

Since it is unlikely that anyone will ‘fess up to that, we’re going to have to settle for asserting ourselves on a poll.

What is your opinion of an advertisement rejected by Bloomington officials because its message of “You Can Be Good Without God” was deemed too controversial?

I agree with the advertisement and I think it should be allowed. 37%
I don’t agree with the advertisement, but I think it should be allowed. 11%
I don’t agree with the advertisement and I don’t think it should be allowed. 48%
I agree with the advertisement, but I don’t think it should be allowed. 3%
I don’t know. 1%

Click click click!

He has put up a poll on his website that asks a simple question.

May 7th is the National Day of Prayer. Will you join us in prayer on Thursday?

Yes 88%
No 10%
I don’t know. 3%

Hmmmm. Let’s see. I think…

NO.

You should be flattered. The Germans are asking you — yes, you, that person sitting at your computer — what you think of the Catholic Church. When Germany asks, you must answer.

What do you think of the Catholic Church?

35% Sie ist eine gute und wichtige Institution (it is a good and important institution)
20% Sie hat gute und schlechte Seiten (It has good and bad times)
34% Sie ist überflüssig (It is superfluous)
11% Sie ist mir egal (It doesn’t matter to me)

That first answer needs to be knocked down a peg or two, I think.

You know how I feel about the uselessness of internet polls, so you can guess how my feelings are mixed by this one. It’s a good cause: grants are being given for preservation of historic places in Boston. But they’re allocating funds on the basis of votes in an internet poll! This isn’t even a proper popularity contest, because polls are so easily skewed.

Anyway, go vote. I went for the New England Aquarium for obvious reasons, but there are several worthy sites: a museum of African American history, for instance, or a ballet theatre. There are even churches (lots of churches) on the list, and despite my biases there, I wouldn’t even count those out, if they are of historical value. The Old North Church is there — that’s worth keeping around.

Still, what a weird way to distribute funds. Wouldn’t it be better to do this with an informed committee, that could actually look at need and value objectively? Maybe the New England Aquarium is flush with money, while the Salem Old Town Hall is crumbling into disrepair…I don’t know! And they’re asking me to determine who gets a grant?

Maybe it’s not a pointless poll. It’s just a misdirected poll.

Can you bear yet another poll today? The initial results of this one, before all of you readers get to work and use your magic clicky fingers, is mildly interesting. The readership of Christianity Today consists primarily of scientific illiterates and wishful dreamers, split between people who seriously believe the earth is 6000 years old, those who think the Bible is a science text and are willing to stretch a metaphor, and fuzzy thinkers who want a god to have guided natural processes.

I imagine the readership here can rock their little world.

What best describes your view of the origins of creation?

Young-earth creationism
29%
Old-earth creationism
28%
Theistic evolution
26%
Naturalistic evolution
4%
I don’t know
7%
None of the above
6%

WHY DO PEOPLE STILL BELIEVE IN THIS HOMEOPATHY CRAP?

Do you think homeopathy can help in the current swine flu pandemic?

Yes (71.4 %) 1484 votes
No (13.3 %) 276 votes
Can’t say (2.3 %) 47 votes
Yes, but won’t be allowed to! (13.0 %) 271 votes

The only way homeopathy could possibly help is by preventing dehydration…but why pay for an imaginary medicine when you can get that benefit from your water tap?