This article leads with a photo of a spectacularly beautiful joro spider.

Beautiful. I’d love to see more, but I am content with our native Argiope, we don’t need to import invasive species.

The title of the article, though, is this troubling claim.

Studies show Joro spiders are easy to kill and virtually harmless

That’s a disturbing juxtaposition: Harmless! and Easy to Kill!

Well, great. If they’re harmless, leave them alone, you don’t need to kill them. They tested how to kill them, anyway.

Coyle and a team of co-authors from Clemson, Southern Adventist University and Union College tested various products, some of which are labeled as spider killing products, while others came from scouring the internet to see what people were telling others to use, such as water, isopropyl alcohol, foaming dishwashing detergent, window cleaners, bleach, hair spray, vinegar and WD-40.

Those labeled as insecticides were effective in killing the spiders. Coyle said that while some household products did kill the Joro spiders, he would not recommend using them.

“They are not labeled as insecticides, therefore it is illegal to use them as such,” Coyle said. “Beyond that, it is not safe, both from a personal standpoint, or ecologically. It’s not good to be spraying machine lubricant or some household cleaner all over where your dog or child might be playing. We strongly encourage people if they must use an insecticide, use a labeled, legitimate one.”

Aaaargh. I would not be able to carry out a study like that — collect healthy animals, and ask students to kill them with random products from the garage and kitchen? It’s not ethical, and also, we already know the answer: our homes are full of industrial glop that can kill animals. I also don’t need to test whether dropping a big rock on a bug would kill it. I also wouldn’t do the study and then recommend that you use a commercially available insect neurotoxin to hose down a place where your dog and child might play.

I also wouldn’t be able to do the other part of the study.

For the second part of the study, the researchers forced the spiders to bite volunteers, who then ranked the pain based on the Wong-Baker FACES Pain Rating Scales, a pain assessment used in pediatrician offices where six faces ranging from a neutral expression (no pain) to a crying face (worst pain) are used to identify the pain level.

“We asked participants their pain level at several time points,” Coyle said. “It was never more than a 4 for anyone. Most were in the 1 range, which would be similar to a mosquito bite to most people. We also measured redness around the bite. Our conclusion was that Joro spider bites don’t do much and it doesn’t hurt most people.

I already have enough trouble recruiting research students.

But OK, the studies have been done, time to stop torturing spiders. Leave them alone.