An outbreak of vampires in Kentucky this weekend?


It’s the only way to interpret this rather ominous newspaper ad.

Except, right, it’s Easter, that weekend when the death-cult celebrates involuntary sacrifice and grisly torture methods.

It’s all OK, because maybe their victims of slow murder will pop back up and be alive again, despite the fact that in two thousand years of repeated trials with billions of participants, it’s never happened, not once, other than the occasional apocryphal hallucination.

Comments

  1. birgerjohansson says

    Maybe the cross is intended to kill zombie lies?
    You know, Democrats are muslim atheists who are pedophiles who eat their victims”.
    No, wait, it is the other side who would like to kill zombie lies, not Real Christians (TM).

  2. gijoel says

    Maybe it’s a Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon. Only it’s a Christian version, where Buffy is a guy, and is played by Kirk Cameron or Kevin Sorbo.

  3. bcw bcw says

    So Jesus walks into a hotel with four nails and asks “can you put me up for the night?”

  4. birgerjohansson says

    Another Kirk fought the antichrist in a 1977 film, which was marginally better than the Sorbo/Cameron stuff.
    .
    Maybe they are hoping to fight off Lucy, the secular super-heroine of another film (the McGuffin of that film is ridicilous, but not worse than for Matrix). I liked how she basically morphed into a secular deity at the end.
    .
    Lightbulb moment! They have watched one of the Nigerian “Vultures of Horror” films, and realised they need a mixture of West African folk religion and crucifixes to fight off the demons!
    (thank you, God Awful Movies)

  5. birgerjohansson says

    The original Xian symbol was a fish, because of the abbreviation that was Ichtys.
    So the Scottish fish-slap
    -dance (seen in the documentary “Monthy Python”) was originally a christian ritual, possibly dating back to the Picts.

  6. birgerjohansson says

    Re@ 6
    A weapon for life? Bring a chemically preserved halibut, big enough to provide a good punch!

  7. raven says

    Not vampires but close.
    Tomorrow is Zombie Uprising day also known as Easter.

    Odd factoid.
    The fundie xians hate Easter. Or at least they hate the word “Easter”.
    Easter is named after the Pagan goddess of spring and fertility, Eostre, as the xians once again, stole another Pagan holiday.

    They usually call Easter, Resurrection Sunday instead.
    A few years ago, the local fundie churches handed out white cardboard lawn signs that invited everyone to “Resurrection Sunday” services. They looked really tacky. Fortunately they weren’t very durable and never appeared the next year.

  8. HidariMak says

    It never made sense to me that the festival of “happy dead guy on a stick” is referred to by Christians as “Good” Friday. And tomorrow, they’ll celebrate the rise of Zombie Jesus, which (according to the book of Matthew) also caused the zombie uprising. https://youtu.be/jldnqyC_L_0?t=130

  9. Pierce R. Butler says

    If Kentuckians apply those things to their best possible use, they’ll need to elect new Senators afterwards.

  10. Akira MacKenzie says

    Speaking of Kentucky: I know I’m a late-comer to this, but I discovered the Old Gods Of Appalachia podcast. It’s a fantastic blend of folk and cosmic horror. I highly recommend it!

  11. Rob Grigjanis says

    raven @8:

    Easter is named after the Pagan goddess of spring and fertility, Eostre, as the xians once again, stole another Pagan holiday.

    Saying that they ‘stole’ a pagan holiday is a misunderstanding. Christian Easter derives from Jewish Passover, and was being celebrated long before the Anglo-Saxons were converted. The link to Ēostre, according to Bede, is that the month of celebration (what we now call April) was called Ēosturmōnaþ by the Anglo-Saxons.

    Ēostre is attested solely by Bede in his 8th-century work The Reckoning of Time, where Bede states that during Ēosturmōnaþ (the equivalent of April), pagan Anglo-Saxons had held feasts in Ēostre’s honour, but that this tradition had died out by his time, replaced by the Christian Paschal month, a celebration of the resurrection of Jesus.

    Of course, Passover itself could be a theft, or repurposing, of a pagan Canaanite spring rite or festival…

  12. StevoR says

    Except, right, it’s Easter, that weekend ..

    FWIW its also Passover and Ramadan all simultaneously this year.

  13. StevoR says

    @ birgerjohansson : Halibut good enough for Jehovah?

    Who, erm, presumably could magic up all the fish he wanted if he wanted anyhow so .. yeah, the old “why does gawd need a halibut / starship” issues arises again..

    PS. How do you serve people a helping of “fasting” as the poster suggests I wonder?

  14. birgerjohansson says

    Akira MacKenzie @ 11
    I must check out this podcast!

    During one of her travels, Granny Weatherwax passed through a vampire-haunted region. Her pet Greebo (who looked a lot like the organism at the enclosed link) promptly decided that there was only place for one top predator in the nwighborhood.
    https://youtu.be/Qv692XJ3SN0

  15. KG says

    Rob Grigjanis@12,

    Also worth noting that it’s only in English and German among the major European languages that the festival has a name reminiscent of Eostre (in German it’s Ostern). In all the others it appears to be derived indirectly from the Jewish Pesach (Passover in English), The Christian festival was established by the mid-2nd century, long before English, or even Germans, were Christianised.

  16. Rob Grigjanis says

    KG @16: It’s also worth noting that the religious profile of Britain before the Germanic settlement/invasion was a mosaic of Roman, pagan Celtic, Mithraic and Christian (and probably other cults). So if, in a given location, a festival of Ēostre was established by the Anglo-Saxons, that in itself would almost certainly have been a replacement of (or addition to) an earlier Spring festival celebrated there (perhaps even the Christian version).

  17. PaulBC says

    “Resurrection Day” sounds like a zombie movie or maybe a Buffy/Angel episode (I know it’s not quite “Resurrection Sunday”–that just sounds dumb to me).

    KG@16 That’s a great point and I hadn’t thought about it. Growing up Catholic, I was well-acquainted with the Paschal candle as well as other uses of the term. And I’m sure if I keep an eye open, I will see “Felices Pascuas” written on signs where I live now (though I have to admit I never really noticed).

  18. raven says

    What is Pagan about Easter, besides its name are the traditions we are all familiar with.
    The deepest roots of Easter are certainly Passover, which is when jesus was (supposedly) killed and resurrected.

    So where do the rabbits, the Easter bunny, the colored eggs, Easter baskets, the flowers, and so on come from? Not from the Middle East. They are Pagan.

    What does the Easter Bunny have to do with Jesus?

    How is the Easter Bunny related to Jesus? In short: The Easter Bunny is not related to Jesus at all. At most, they’re both obviously tied to the holiday celebrating the resurrection, and they’re both considered symbols of new life—but the links to one another, essentially, end there.Apr 4, 2022

    Who came up with the idea of the Easter Bunny?
    According to Time, the concept of the Easter bunny stems from pagan rituals around the vernal equinox (the first day of spring). The pagan goddess of fertility, Eostre, was also symbolized by a hare and eggs.
    https://parade.com/1345644/jessicasager/easter-bunny-origins
    Easter Bunny Origins Explained: The Fascinating History

    Odd fact. Rabbits are mentioned in the bible but not often.
    They are not kosher.

  19. raven says

    A lot of fundies really hate Easter. They say not to celebrate it and call it Pagan**.
    Of course, what they mean is that the real holiday is…Resurrection Sunday. You can find this all over Google search. Here is one.

    Christians should not celebrate Easter – Vanguard Newshttps://www.vanguardngr.com › … › Article of Faith

    Mar 27, 2016 — Most Christians are unaware that Easter is a pagan festival surreptitiously merged with Christianity.
    Easter is not a Christian holiday. The …

    I wouldn’t bother with the link. It would just be fundie xian god babble and fundie xian websites have a lot of malware on them.

    **A point in its favor, IMO.

  20. birgerjohansson says

    Akira MacKenzie @ 11
    “Old Gods in Appalachia”
    Wow, that was dark.
    One of the least venal operators seems to be “the Boy” as he/it is some kind of vigilante.
    .
    -If you are familiar with John Connolly’s “Charlie Parker” novels (80% hard-boiled thrillers with a bit of dark humor, 20% cosmic horror) he would be compareable with the collector (lower-case “c”. Everything about the collector is lower-case, as he strives to not attract attention).
    While technically being on the side of good, he is not someone you would want to invite to lunch. Charlie Parker and his semi-retired killer friends are quite charming by comparison.
    OGiA takes place in the early 20th century, the Charlie Parker novels in late 20th, early 21th centuries.
    .
    It would be fun to have some small crossover; Parker et al certainly spent a lot of time stomping on bad old things they ran across in New England.
    For an example, I would recommend Connolly’s “The Wolf In Winter” – a plot derived from the English “Green Man” concept. Nature worship is not always a good thing.
    “A Time of Torment” is also about a cult on the East Coast, thriving for centuries at the cost of others. And these are among the most normal baddies. Well-written and original, which is more than you can say about most urban gothic.

  21. Rob Grigjanis says

    raven @19:

    The pagan goddess of fertility, Eostre, was also symbolized by a hare and eggs.

    There’s a lot of speculation there.

    …Eostre, an Anglo-Saxon goddess who is not documented from pagan sources at all, and turns up in only one early Christian source, the writings of the English churchman Bede. Bede may have been right that there was such a goddess, or he may have been spreading the received wisdom of his era, and scholars have debated this point for years.

    https://blogs.loc.gov/folklife/2016/04/ostara-and-the-hare/

    So it’s not even established that such a goddess was worshipped by the Anglo-Saxons, never mind her supposed link to hares, rabbits and eggs.

  22. PaulBC says

    I remember Pandas Thumb back when it had a “bathroom wall” for free-for-all mostly religious discussions that was frequented by ‘FL’, an evangelical minister.

    What I gleaned from all this was that contrary to my (raised Catholic) understanding that Christian religions at least agreed on the Resurrection as the most import article of faith, there was a certain branch that believed the big deal was the crucifixion itself as “penal substitutionary atonement.” I.e., whether “He is Risen” is mostly besides the point. The main thing is that God punished his son out of some sort of necessary balance of justice. You can ignore everything else, but you have to believe in PSA.

    I got the impression that if I could show up in a time machine, say with modern weaponry and cow the centurions into stopping the whole thing, then FL would be right there in his time machine saying “No! This horrible.” The magic wouldn’t work, and probably he’d nail Jesus to the cross himself just to make good and sure it happened right on schedule. Like a “demon apocalypse” Joss Whedon style.

    Not to assign any privilege to my own birth religion, but the whole thing strikes me as a weird death cult. That and the fixation on Noah’s Ark. I just don’t get any of it.

  23. birgerjohansson says

    PaulBC @ 24
    An effective meme- or in this case, meme complex- does not have to be logical. It has to be emotionally appealing, to the level that it can compete with rival meme complexes, and preferally replace them.
    The Roman Empire supplied the necessary substrate. There were many other Christian belief traditions, and many other religions with strong similarities but the version that won during the Council of Nicaea was both successful spreading through the minds of the rubes, and appealing to the Roman rulers.
    Any version version with a stronger enphasis on equality would have failed the latter criterion.

  24. birgerjohansson says

    PaulBC @ 24
    A Christianity 2.0 wanting to last in well-educated times should downplay PSA and reject the Noah BS as old testament tradition, on a par with talking snakes.
    As the NT is the important stuff, most of the embarrassing stuff in the OT can be put aside.
    .
    Islam 2.0 would have to reject the idea the koran should be read literally – This is much harder as Mr. M stated over and over again it should be interpreted literally. This will doom islam to a future living inside the heads of mostly low-educated people.

  25. birgerjohansson says

    Fun fact: the closest thing to vampires in Chinese folk lore do not suck blood, but the life force, Chi, sorta like the aliens in the second Stargate TV series.
    And they move by jumping with their feet held close together. The last part makes them the opposite of telegenic.
    A Hong Kong outfit tried to make a film about them titled “Vampire Robot”. It was not successful.

  26. Akira MacKenzie says

    @ 22

    There will be more heroic characters forthcoming, particularly the Walker sisters.

    @ 27

    Ah yes, the Jiangshi, better known as the hopping vampires because rigor mortis has only left the the ability to jump around as their means of locomotion.

  27. whywhywhy says

    Jesus Saves!
    Proving once again that the most powerful force in the universe is compound interest!

  28. Walter Solomon says

    raven @19

    Odd fact. Rabbits are mentioned in the bible but not often.
    They are not kosher.

    I thought they were kosher because they consumed their cecal feces.

  29. blf says

    Speaking of chocolate bunnies being tortured into laying eggs, the tradition here in France, les cloches de Pâques, is all the cult’s bells, on the Thursday, fly off to Rome to be lectured / leered / laughed-at by teh popeye-sans-ye, and then return on the Sunday. Hence, the bells are silent on “good” Friday until a loud barrage on the Sunday. During the return flight, the bells bomb children with chocolate eggs.

    Only this year, at least locally, something seems to have gone wrong (or there’s more to the story than I am aware of): The local bells did not stop ringing, and I’ve yet to hear the barrage. Dunno about the chocolate bombing, but it’s quite warm at the moment (where I am in S.France), so they’d probably melt.

    Except, obviously, for the chocolate bit, this tradition apparently dates back to c.7th century.

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