Flying Homosexual Chemtrail Fire Ants

Does she look gay to you?

Now we know why Texas is full of homosexuals: it’s all the fire ants down south. And they’ve been spreading to England since 2015!

The World Heath Organization has put England on high alert as swarms of genetically engineered fire ants have been seen swarming the countryside in quick approach to London. The ants have been laced with chemical homosexuality via a modified homosexual chemtrail containing liquid sweat from gay men.

WHO has not issued any alerts about genetically modified fire ants swarming England.

There is no such thing as “chemical homosexuality”. You cannot “catch the gay” from sweat, especially not sweat that has been ingested by ants.

These mutated ants are thought to be the first filial (F1 hybrid) generation offspring of the the fire ants Obama deployed in Texas to bite Christians and turn them to homosexuality, a part of the Jade Helm invasion.

I amused at the use of technical genetics terms (“first filial (F1 hybrid) generation”) as if that makes the claim more sciencey. It doesn’t.

Obama didn’t deploy fire ants in Texas.

Texans bitten by fire ants don’t turn gay.

A likely unforeseen consequence of putting raw homosexual endorphins into the parental generation of the fire ants was that it gave the ants genetic diversity at a rate even higher than Drosophila melanogaster, the common fruit fly. The flying homosexual chemtrail fire ant purportedly shows all the classic signs of homosexuality: an insatiable appetite for straight men, ravenously snapping its jaws and becoming agitated when a non-gay man’s flesh is in prox restless and its sleek body fueled by an eccentric cocktail of lurid chemical drugs.

Putting “homosexual endorphins” (which don’t exist) into a fire ant won’t modify their genetics, and it won’t increase their genetic diversity.

Homosexuality is not associated with an insatiable appetite for straight men, and ants wouldn’t recognize human sexuality at all.

I’m non-gay. I haven’t noticed any gay men ravenously snapping their jaws when I pass by, or even becoming restless when in proximity.

I have known gay men with sleek bodies fueled by eccentric cocktails of lurid chemical drugs, so maybe that part is true.

All I was doing was looking up some simple Mendelian genetics problems for my impending genetics class! Maybe I need to turn “safe search” on. Is there a setting to turn off stupid search results?


  1. DonDueed says

    Seriously, PZ? You don’t recognize satirical humor when you see it? Or are you just playing the part of the over-serious professor type?

  2. davidc1 says

    Oh no ,is that why i have been watching gladiator movies and humming show tunes all of a sudden?

  3. bcwebb says

    So are homosexual fire-ant endorphin genes dominant or .. submissive? Just asking for a friend.
    I’m thinking this kind of generic engineering is probably versatile.

  4. monad says

    Satire or not, I notice that for a topic that explicitly turns around heterosexuality, it seems like only one gender is ever considered. The people most commonly associated with any “appetite for straight men” would be straight women.
    (And if the term covers attraction between species, which it probably shouldn’t, a worker ant going for a human man would have to be heterosexual too.)

  5. dianne says

    I’ve been bitten by fire ants. I wish the result was homosexuality. It would have been much more fun than intense pain, which is the actual outcome. Global warming does mean that fire ants are headed north, but England seems a bit far.

  6. wcaryk says

    “President Trump Blinded By Eclipse Glasses”.
    “Tom Brady Is Part of Russia’s Plan to Overthrow America”
    “Obama’s Hurricane Florence Leaves 500 Million Without Power, Destroys Christianity in South Carolina”

    Yeah, I’d hazard a guess that it’s a satire site.

  7. DonDueed says

    jrkrideau — Joke’s on you. We’re well along with our plan to use our CO2 emissions to melt your silly snow wall. Won’t be long now!

  8. brightmoon says

    I frequent a Christian chat room. I’ve heard similar equally as stupid stuff from people who were dead serious.

  9. cartomancer says

    Admittedly there is a gay nightclub in London’s Vauxhall called Fire, and in the early 2000s the people who frequented it were sometimes known as “Fire ants”.

    I went there once, when I was a postgraduate, and fairly quickly wished I hadn’t. When you find yourself squatting in a car park at 2am, while a pair of international lawyers try to hide behind you so they can snort ketamine off their keys without the security people seeing, you begin to reassess the life choices that got you into that position.

    But I’m not sure the fire ants plan is a terribly good one. As far as I can tell, the only difference between gay men and straight men is that straight men tend to apologise more when they inevitably refuse to sleep with me.

  10. leerudolph says

    I think “Chemical Homosexuality” was an obscure David Bowie b side.

    One side’s the ant side, the other the bee side? But what if you’re bitten by a drone?? Or an asocial bee???

  11. numerobis says

    You realize this story came out nearly a year before the Brexit referendum? More than 2 years before Trump got elected?

    It was a different time then, you can’t judge by today’s standards for normalized stupidity. Back then, this was obvious satire.

  12. Ragutis says

    I thought it was satire as well, but “Tom Brady Is Part of Russia’s Plan to Overthrow America”. rings true.

  13. unclefrogy says

    as an aside those people who I have had conversations with who believed in the “chemtrail” conspiracy also did not believe in human caused global warming.
    very odd that!
    uncle frogy

  14. starskeptic says

    Oh for Jeebus’ sakes, it’s a spoof!
    I missed this one, “Gays Are Lacing Easter Eggs with Homosexual-Inducing Food Colorings”
    from a few years ago….

  15. Owlmirror says

    I still remember the time when someone was posting comments @Pharyngula (long ago enough that I don’t even remember if it was Sb or not) from Landover Baptist, and someone had a thinko and misread that as Westboro Baptist.

    (No, it’s not the rabid homophobes, it’s the ones who satirise rabid homophobes . . . )

  16. flexilis says

    Oh, great. Now I have something else to worry about besides the homosexual semen in my Starbuck’s.